A/N: Like I said: Too much time. This one is a prompt Spiigirl sent me half a year ago and then uni came in the way but I had taken some notes and even though I never really knew how to go about it, I took it as a writing exercise and wrote it. As you can see, this got slightly out of hand. I'd appreciate any and all feedback on the characters, I'm not entirely sure they act as themselves. Anyway, Ishd wrote a story for the same prompt which you can find in her 'The Discards' as Chapter 7, you're welcome. Now, enjoy this outrageously long fic. x
Always trying to find
A safer place to hide
Always felt I was protecting my...
Heart and mind
Heart and mind
But it seems like to really feel alive
I cannot hide
My heart and mind
The bag slung over her shoulder was heavy. And it wasn't the weight of her dust- covered clothes that pulled her down but rather the documents next to them. Who would've thought some pieces of paper could mean so much?
Jane's heart was beating savagely in her chest and if she hadn't endured worse already she would've been sure that it would burst out of her ribcage at some point, but it didn't. Her stubborn heart continued to beat, just as it always had. No matter whether or not she wanted it to. Not caring what its beating was doing to her, how its falling destroyed her.
Her heart had never listened to her but right now it was her mind that was pulling the strings, controlling her actions.
Once the Sandstorm mess is cleaned up, you'll be freed of any further obligation. Given a new identity, relocated to… wherever it is you'd like to go.
She stepped onto the elevator, avoiding the looks she was sure were following her from the director's office and pushed the button more forcefully than she had intended to. The numbers on the display moved unbearably slowly but she concentrated on them, rather than on the contents of her bag and the beating of her heart.
Finally the elevator reached her destination and suddenly she needed to get out of it, as if the ground was burning right through the soles of her shoes, as if the elevator wanted to get rid of her. Breathing became harder as she tried to steady herself on the wall across from the still open doors, thankful that everyone else had already left and the halls were deserted.
The office, the whole building really, had never been this empty that she could remember. It was an eerie quiet she was walking through when she made her way to the locker room, taking in her surroundings closely.
I mean, look around. It's over.
Jane could feel the truth of that statement especially now that she pulled the door to the locker room open and was, again, greeted by utter silence. Sure, that had been before they had won but did their victory really make a difference for everything else that had already happened? The lives lost, the people dead?
Ever since you came out of that bag, every aspect of your life has been decided for you. Hell, even your name. I think you need to ask yourself, what do you want?
What did she want?
She couldn't even remember a time in her life where her wants had made any difference, where they had been taken into consideration. And she wasn't sure what to do with all the possibilities now.
Opening her locker she let the bag drop to the floor while she gathered the meager belongings she had stashed inside it, staring at a few forgotten notes, a water bottle and workout clothes. There used to be a picture of the team and her in there as well, but that had been before.
Before they had found out she betrayed them. Before she had been tortured. Before she had lost her family.
They had managed to come back from that, mostly, and for the longest time Jane had believed that this was where she belonged. That this team was her family, New York her home and this work her purpose.
How do you know if you've never done anything else?
The lump in her throat was getting bigger with every passing minute, threatening to suffocate her and she couldn't fight back the tears that fell from her eyes and left hot traces on her cheeks.
She had made the choice, signed the papers, accepted the documents and now she was on her own again. As she sat there, sobbing uncontrollably, she felt the loss of the people in this small world she had erected for herself, more strongly than she had felt the gunshot Zapata had put into her side not so long ago. The pain was all-consuming, it overpowered every last clear thought she might've had and left her in a pool of her own tears.
It took a while but at some point she felt her breathing even out and she managed to sit up straighter, tossing the few things into her bag and instead pulling out the stack of documents that felt so heavy.
Gently she ran her finger over the biometric photograph on her new ID and the new name next to it while she sat there, hugging her knees to her chest.
We can't all stay here forever.
"Hey there, Jane", Tasha greeted her, pulling her into a half hug while her other hand was holding on to a bottle of champagne. The brunette scrutinized her friend from head to toe, frowning, "I thought you'd put on something a little more… colorful for the occasion. You know, having saved the world and all."
Jane managed to grin back at her open expression and tried to smoothen out some imaginary wrinkles on her black shirt. "I didn't want to scare you with changing my style."
Tasha went on about clothes and styles and the expensive alcohol she had bought to celebrate tonight all the way up, giving Jane the option to just nod from time to time and hang on to her own thoughts otherwise.
In truth she had stood in front of the few clothes she possessed for almost an hour and had played with the thought of putting on that dark red blouse she had bought on impulse after a date with Oliver. She remembered the feeling of the smooth material, how the silk garment had caressed her skin when she had pulled it over, feeling empowered and beautiful in it.
But then the doubts had set in once more. What was she trying to accomplish here? She had already packed her bag before leaving her apartment. Who did she want to impress?
She knew the answer. It was as obvious as it was distressing because she knew that she had to leave. For his own good, because she brought pain wherever she went and she didn't have it in her to continue hurting him.
"Jane?"
Tasha's voice pulled her back into reality, startling her. "I'm sorry, what did you say?"
The Latina raised an eyebrow at her. "Just wanted to know if the girl's night still on next weekend."
"Of course", Jane nodded, "For Patterson's birthday, right?"
Her friend nodded and was about to add something when they reached Weller's floor and the elevator next to them pinged, announcing the arrival of Patterson and Reade and suddenly Jane's arms were full of the blonde and her ears full of friendly laughter and the clinging of glasses. Her heart was full to bursting with her love for the people around her and, for once, she let herself savor the feeling and enjoyed the evening.
For hours they sat and drank and laughed in Weller's apartment, migrating from the table to the couch and only leaving their safe haven when they needed a refill. All the while, Jane could feel his gaze on her. His eyes never once left her and more often than not she felt herself returning his gaze, not being able to resist the magnetic pull between them.
They never talked, though. Never just the two of them, not really. She was almost grateful for it, hadn't she missed his proximity so much, hadn't she felt the absence of his hand on the small of her back whenever they moved next to each other. Her longing for him was painful, especially considering that she knew it could never be. That they could never be.
When the others made moves to go, she had gotten to a point where she knew she needed to get out of here before she lost the last of her self-control. Where she knew, that with another look he could anchor her with him forever, even though she could never do that to him. His words where still ringing in her head.
Stay here… With me. I love you.
They said their goodbyes but when she tried to pull away to follow Patterson out of the door she felt him grab her hand, pulling her all too willing body to him and into his embrace. Against her better judgment her eyes fluttered close and her body melted into his like two pieces of a puzzle that were meant to be.
She felt his warm deep breaths in her ear and she couldn't stop herself from pulling back slightly only to be able to raise her head and look into his eyes. Those eyes that made her heart skip a beat and gave her the feeling that she was the center of his universe.
Suddenly they were so much closer than she had anticipated, their lips merely inches apart. She could feel his breath on her mouth that had opened slightly of its own accord while she was still trying to control her beating heart. To no avail.
His hands traveled up her arm slowly until he gently framed her face with them. His hands where hot on her skin when he leaned his forehead against hers and her body was yearning for this connection. When she managed to open her eyes she could see that his were closed and she wanted to pull away but his thumb had started moving over her cheek ever so softly and she couldn't bring herself to move.
"I love you, Jane."
Her eyes grew wider, her breathing ragged and if it hadn't been for his strong arms holding her in place, she might've dropped to the floor resigning to her legs that didn't seem to be able to hold her upright anymore.
She loved him too and she knew she would never be able to hide it from him, not if he was this close and this vulnerable. She was sure that he saw this love reflected in her eyes and that was what made him inch just that little bit closer and her body responded, meeting his lips in an innocent, brief kiss.
The kiss was not more than a brief contact and both their eyes fluttered open afterwards, communicating silently.
Without warning their bodies were drawn together once more and they met halfway, hungrier this time.
As she pulled his shirt open impatiently and raised her arms to let him pull her shirt over her head, she knew she should tell him. When he pulled her closer and maneuvered them into his bedroom, she knew she needed to tell him she loved him at least once and that he needed to hear it. She had to tell him that she would set him free, that she would leave and he should be happy.
But with his mouth caressing her body, she couldn't form a coherent thought and so she didn't say anything, only pulled him closer, relishing in this one time she would get to be happy with him even if this would never truly be hers.
Jane woke up to Kurt's body folded completely around her, tugging her to him and shielding her from the outside world like her very own security blanket.
For a moment she let herself relish in the feeling of safety he gave her, pretending that this was a normal day and that they would wake up together, get breakfast later and go to sleep together at night. She tried to memorize the feeling of his hand on her stomach and his breathing in her ear. She tried to put it into a box in her mind that she would be able to access afterwards, when she would be alone again.
Rolling onto her back she could feel him shift with her movement, but he still held her securely in his arms. Gently she moved his hand and rolled off his other arm, trying her hardest not to wake him. It took her a while but she managed to slip out of his grip and pull on her clothes they had dropped beside the bed the night before.
Once she was dressed she paused again, looking down at the sleeping man who had captured her heart. Slowly she walked over to his side of the bed where he lay, turned towards where she had just been, his face completely peaceful. She swallowed the tears that threatened to surface anew and reached out, stroking his cheek tentatively.
Feeling him lean into her touch she caressed his stubble gently, appreciating the scratching on her skin.
"I love you, Kurt", she whispered before she took a step back and slowly turned away. "And I am so sorry."
"Maybe this is the lead we've been looking for! We can't not follow this!", Patterson heard Tasha exclaim just as she stepped into her lab where Reade and Zapata seemed to be arguing.
"Do you wanna be the one to bring this to Weller?", Reade shot back, crossing his arms in front of his chest when she didn't reply. "That's what I thought."
Patterson frowned at them and was about to ask what they were fighting about when it dawned on her. There was only one thing they didn't see eye to eye on that involved Weller, or one person more like it.
The blonde could feel the familiar lump in her throat form as she stepped towards her working place her two co-workers were currently standing next to, staring at a spot on a map with a CCTV picture right next to it that showed a rather blurry someone crossing the street, back turned towards the camera.
It had been months since Jane had left them without as much as a goodbye. One day, the day after the Sandstorm take down, she simply hadn't shown up for work and only afterwards did the new FBI director Hirst tell them about her wish of a fresh start.
Since then the dynamics in the team had shifted and everything regarding Jane or her tattoos left an uncomfortable tension in the room. They still followed the tattoos when they came up but had stopped looking into them actively. Patterson had gotten more than a few harsh words from Weller after he had found her hunched over a puzzle yet again.
She got it. As much as he was trying to pretend that he didn't care, she knew that he was all but trying to forget about their former consultant because he cared too much and that love tore him apart from the inside. She had watched her friend from afar and had tried talking to him, tried helping him but the infamous walls were back up and she doubted anyone could ever get through them again. Apart from Bethany, his daughter, who seemed to be the only reason he smiled these days.
Reade felt betrayed as well. She knew that because at least he talked to her. Watching him now, his arms still crossed in a defensive move, she remembered the painful expression on his face after one too many drinks where he had confessed to missing Jane and partly blaming the team for her departure.
We brought down her only family. How should she have known we wouldn't do the same to her once she isn't useful anymore? We should've shown her that she's not that pawn anymore. We let her down.
Secretly she felt that way, too, but what good did it do to point fingers now, after it was already too late?
But Tasha, Tasha had her own way of dealing with the loss of a friend. Like Weller she had always maintained solid walls that rarely ever came down and instead of feeling guilty, and hurting because of it, Patterson watched her friend suit up as if she was going to war. She was suspicious of everything Jane had ever said and done, even once claimed that the tattooed woman left to go in search of her brother to team up with him instead.
She still remembered how that conversation had gone.
"How can you say that?" she all but shrieked, her eyes still red- rimmed and puffy from crying too much "After all she's given for us? After everything she went through because of us?!"
Tasha's gaze softened at her friend's pain but her lips stayed in a firm line "Maybe that's exactly why she did it. Maybe she thought she'd be better off without us, maybe she recovered more memories and went rogue."
"Or maybe she was scared for us."
Jane's departure had hit Patterson almost as hard as it had hit Kurt. She suspected that something else had happened between them that he wasn't telling her about and while it was his good right to keep it to himself, it made her feel even more alone.
Tasha tried to brush it off, Reade managed to get back to a new sense of normal and Kurt simply avoided human interaction while she was left to grieve her best friend on her own. The one who had always been there to talk to, who had taken every second of her day to make sure Patterson was alright and that she ate.
Jane had understood her and even when no one else from their team had talked to her, Patterson always had and when Borden had betrayed them – betrayed her – she had spent most nights at Jane's safe house, tugged to her chest while she had tried to calm her down. They had gone out for lunch and joked over the most random things and now she didn't even have someone to mourn with.
She couldn't help but imagine Jane all alone in such a big, unfair world, not knowing where to go. She couldn't even be angry at her because she knew she had helped her decision along and now they were all paying the price.
But Patterson was nothing if not stubborn and even after Weller had pulled her off the tattoo cases, she had continued working them in her free-time. A tiny part of her hoped that maybe Jane was doing the same thing and that she would find her when they happened to stumble across the same puzzle. Or she would pick up a small glimpse of her on a camera but so far she hadn't been very lucky.
Well, maybe today would be different.
"What's that supposed to be?", she wanted to know, clearing her throat to disrupt the silent fight between her friends.
"I think that could be Roman", Tasha replied, pointing to the shady figure.
Squinting her eyes at the pixelated image the blonde took another step forward, grabbing the tablet from the panel. "Why would you think that?"
"Because Tasha thinks that every bearded man with sunglasses and a baseball cap, holding a phone to his ear is Roman who's planning our downfall", Reade jibed at her, frowning at the image, "This could literally be anyone."
Tasha clicked her tongue in annoyance. "Well, do you have a better lead hidden somewhere? Because I'm all for following leads but it seems that no one seems to be really interested in taking them anywhere even if we do happen to find one."
Before Reade could throw another comment at her Patterson raised both hands, effectively shutting both people up.
"I'll take a look at it, okay? Meanwhile what did the lead on the Ashworth case get you?"
Of course that blurry image turned out to be of no use, like every single picture before and it took another two weeks until Patterson found the first real lead on Jane's whereabouts ever since she had left.
It was way past midnight when she was, once again, scrolling through the CCTV footage of the places she knew Jane felt familiar in, like Kurt's neighborhood or even where her safe house had been or in a certain perimeter around her favorite bakery and coffee shop.
She almost missed the glimpse at the, mostly covered, neck tattoo of someone who had entered said bakery at 9am that morning.
Patterson felt her heart beginning to beat faster as she tried to enlarge the image until she was certain that it at least showed some resemblance to Jane's bird tattoo. Almost scared to hope she pulled up the footage of the days prior to that and every day around the same time there was a woman in the same coat, but her face and neck where usually covered.
Feeling energized by this she tried following the woman's way out of the bakery, to find out where she came from and where she went afterwards but as soon as she left the range of this one camera, she was nowhere to be found.
Glancing down at her phone she realized it was already 5 am but the thought of this woman didn't leave her mind and the blonde kept tossing and turning in bed for three hours until she got up, got dressed and sent her boss a quick message that she would be late.
She had to check this out. She had to find out if maybe this really was Jane.
Maybe it wasn't and she kept telling herself that that would be fine as well, but she knew that her heart had found a new hope that it now desperately clung to and she was a little scared to find anything but Jane.
When the time came, the same time she had seen the woman in the beige trench coat enter the bakery the last five days, she held her breath and hoped to god that she wouldn't make her run. It wasn't until she stepped out and looked to the side, effectively avoiding being caught on camera that Patterson could see her profile.
Her breath caught in her throat because that right there was the woman she had been looking for for months. She looked tired even from afar and Patterson couldn't bring herself to just walk up to her, afraid of spooking her and never finding her again. Instead she followed her, meticulously staying hidden because she knew that Jane would feel it if she was being followed.
It was her luck that her friend didn't seem all too hyper aware of her surroundings for once, even though that did worry her, because she managed to follow her to a small house about thirty minutes from the bakery and watched her walk inside, closing the door behind her.
It took Patterson almost an hour to work up the courage to knock and when she finally did, her hands were shaking, her knees weak and her mind was running wild with all the possible outcomes of this confrontation. While she was scared of Jane's reaction, she also felt the anger about having been left by a friend rising up inside her. All of that was overshadowed by one emotion: happiness. She had missed her friend so much and she couldn't wait to finally hold her again.
When the door didn't open Patterson realized her mistake. She was standing in front of the peephole and if Jane saw her…
"Jane?" she called out, knocking again "It's .. it's me, Patterson. I'm on my own, I promise. I just want to talk."
After another minute that she stood there, staring at the wooden door she could hear the clicking of a lock before the handle moved and she almost jumped back down the stairs when she came face to face with Jane.
She was pale, wearing a pair of leggings and a rather wide shirt, staring at her with her big green eyes and it was all Patterson could do not to fall apart right then and there.
"It's really you" she whispered in disbelieve.
Awkwardly Jane took a step backwards, pulling the door open for the blonde and looked at her questioningly "Do you.. want to come in?"
They talked and they cried and they hugged.
Both women were slowly getting used to one other again and when Patterson stood to leave it was well past 2 pm but they felt both emotionally drained and exhilarated.
"You're not gonna leave again, are you?", she whispered when she had almost reached the door.
Jane stared at her, shaking her head slowly, a small smile on her lips, "It took me a while to find a house like this that I can pay for without leaving a trail.. And…", she seemed to want to say more but stopped midsentence, "You're not gonna tell the others that I'm here, are you?"
Patterson swallowed, "Why don't you want them to know? They miss you, too. I mean, they're hurt but they would love to see you again."
Again Jane shook her head, with more vehemence this time, "It's better for them this way. I thought I could leave for good but", her gaze dropped to the floor "Something always comes up. I tried following some leads on my tattoos, doing some good but I left so all of you could have a better life."
"All of us or.. Kurt?", Patterson asked quietly, "I'm not better off without you and if it makes any difference, I don't think he is either." When Jane stayed quiet after that, she pressed on, "I know something else happened between the two of you. He didn't tell me, he won't tell me anything anymore, but I know. And I know that's why this is so hard on him. And I know this is hard on you, too", she added softly, "I can see that you miss him. Why… why can't you come back?"
Jane sighed, leaning against the door frame for support. "It's complicated. You're right, something did happen and you're right that I miss him. I love him." She could barely hear the last sentence that left her lip. She felt so empty after having said it, as if saying it would change anything.
"I've had more than a few threats on my life", she finally confessed, "The people behind Sandstorm that are still alive, they know me and they are trying to hunt me down. And I'm hunting them", she added fiercely, clenching her fist, "I know how to find some of them and they need to pay. Sandstorm has to be eliminated completely. I couldn't bring that back to you… not all of it is legal. And then there's…", she paused, thinking her next words over in her head, "There's too much baggage between Kurt and I. I can't come back."
Patterson was about to argue when she found her friend's eyes and what she saw in them was determination mixed with something she couldn't identify just yet and she knew that, for now, she wouldn't be able to change her mind about this and in a selfish move she simply asked, "Can I see you at least? I… I miss my best friend. And I need someone to talk to. After you left… everything changed. Please, I promise I won't tell anyone."
She knew she was pleading but she didn't care. The few hours today had shown her just how much she needed Jane in her life and everyone else had already seemed to move on in one way or the other. Was it really so bad to keep her secret?
"I've missed you, too, Patterson", Jane replied gently, hugging her friend, "Of course we can see each other."
They did and it took Patterson only two more meetings to realize that something was going on with her friend that she wasn't telling her.
She never said anything but she noticed a few changes in her behavior. At first she thought nothing of it, after all people could change from preferring coffee to rather drinking tea for absolutely no reason. But Jane was also lot more sensitive than she used to be. Not for the first time Patterson found her staring at happy couples with tears in her eyes, or excusing herself to go to the bathroom a lot more often than felt normal.
It wasn't until she visited her at home one day that she found her sitting on the couch, a large bowl of pickles in her lap, dressed in one of the loose-fitting shirts that seemed to have become her default style, watching Revenge Of The Sith and crying dearly for Anakin and Padmé and their children, that she knew what had changed.
"Jane."
She stood on the doorstep, glancing into the living room, finding her friend looking up at her with her tear stained face and involuntarily took a step to the couch, dropping down beside her, taking her into her arms.
"Are you okay?" Jane nodded and Patterson could feel her pulling away.
"How far along are you?", she wanted to know quietly and watched the other woman closely.
Jane could do nothing but stare at the blonde woman in terror as a million responses came to her mind of which she knew she could only bring out one. She couldn't lie to her friend and even if she could it wasn't as if she would be able to hide it forever. Her heart was beating fast and she almost wished she had stayed true to her original plan, to stay away from everyone on her former team.
But when Patterson had knocked on her door and she had seen her blonde curls through the peephole it had felt so good to see someone familiar again that she hadn't found it in her to ignore it. She had so desperately wanted a friend with her at least some of the time and now her secret was out in the open.
"Three and a half months", she replied weakly and saw Patterson's brain doing the math, making a rough estimate of the times and dates and then covered her mouth that hung open with her hand.
"Is it…?" Jane could see her fighting an internal battle and losing it shortly before she reached the finish line but she answered the half-finished question nonetheless.
"There hasn't been anyone else", she whispered, hugging her knees to her chest tightly, trying to ground herself with some of the breathing exercises she had learned as she waited for a reply.
It took Patterson a while to form another coherent thought and Jane let her have the time, watching her closely as she thought, her eyes moving from her, to where her stomach was hidden, to a spot just above her shoulder staring into nothingness. All the while she was shaking her head in disbelief.
"You have to tell him", she said finally, meeting Jane's eyes who was already shaking her head. "But you do. You can't do this all on your own. And he… it's his kid. He deserves to know he has a kid and take care of them… of you", her voice broke.
Jane cleared her throat. "Kids", she said, "They're twins. And he already has a kid. He… He's better off without me."
Patterson stared at her. "Twins", she repeated slowly. "You can't just decide that your kids are better off without knowing their father or that he's better off not knowing them", she then said and Jane could see how angry she was getting as her cheeks were turning a bright shade of pink. "You can't keep this from him, Jane!", she exclaimed, obviously trying to calm herself down, "What if something happens to you and they… You are so strong but it's not weak to ask for help."
"It's not that", Jane countered, letting go of her knees and instead letting her hand travel to her stomach as it had so often in the last weeks. "I only found out a few weeks ago. My period hasn't been that regular anymore ever since the CIA… questioned me. I didn't think anything of it when it skipped a month but then it skipped another and for a week I could tell myself that it couldn't possibly be true, that there was no way", she looked up, her green eyes haunted, "I mean, my body is too broken to have a normal menstrual cycle, how could it be healthy enough to carry a baby?"
"And then… I had already left all of you and Kurt most of all", she explained, "I couldn't just come back into his life because I was carrying his kid. Kids", she corrected herself, with a small smile, "I'm not even sure they're going to make it. It's still so early and like I said… My body is made for fighting, not for parenting. I don't want to bring him even more heart break because that's all I've ever brought any of you."
Patterson was shaking her head vigorously by the time she had finished, tears shimmering in her eyes as well. "You're wrong", objected, "You've brought love and friendship into our lives most of all. We haven't been the same ever since you left. Before you joined us we were mostly just working together, none of us had even seen Weller's apartment from inside. Sure, sometimes we went out for drinks but that was the exception not the rule. When you were with us… we basically could come and go as we pleased and he was so… open, hopeful. He smiled more in the time he knew you than I've ever seen him smile before. Even when you were angry at each other, he was always better with you there. We all were."
"And now", she continued, "Now we're back to where we started, only that it's worse because we now know what we're missing. We're missing you. You left a Jane- shaped hole in our hearts when you left and all of us try to go about it in a different way, try to ignore it or talk about it but in essence, our life is dull without you in it. We haven't gone out for drinks once since you left. We haven't had a board game night in just as long." She was sobbing by the time she finished. "So you're wrong about only bringing heart break. You're my friend, Jane. And I'm begging you to tell him."
"He will get over it", Jane said quietly, reaching for Patterson's hand, "Please don't tell him. I need him to move on with his life and he will be better once he's over me."
Patterson bit her lip, clearly not convinced but turned her hand to cover Jane's with it, "I'm gonna go through it with you. I'll be by your side every step of the way, I promise."
And for another five months and a half Patterson did just that, joining her for every ultrasound appointment, for every emotional break down and everything else that accompanied the pregnancy. They went shopping for maternity clothes together, read up on the healthiest way to eat while pregnant, on the do's and don't's and what to do once the two rascals joined them. All the while Jane refused to tell anyone about it. Until the last day she was scared of complications and Patterson could understand that.
So the blonde was the one by her side, holding her hand when she went into labor and pushed out a girl that had inherited the piercing blue eyes and the grumpy frown from his dad and a boy with jet black hair and eyes that looked just like his mum's. When she held them in her arms for the first time, joy and love for the two bundles of life overtook her heart and she couldn't stop herself from beaming at her kids and Patterson. All the worries, which accompanied her situation, forgotten for that one moment that she held them and kissed them and loved them.
"Have you decided on names yet?" Patterson whispered in awe as she gently swayed the girl in her arms who had the sweetest yawn she had ever seen.
Jane nodded, watching her friend hold her girl. "You're holding Elise, because she's a godsend", she told her softly and then looked back at the tiny boy currently resting on her chest, "This is Leo, because he's going to be so strong one day."
For the longest time everything seemed perfect for Jane. She had two tiny human beings she loved unconditionally and who seemed to love her just as much and Patterson supported her in everything she was doing. The only things they were ever really arguing about how much spoiling was allowed and Kurt.
For some reason Patterson still seemed to think she should tell Kurt about his kids and she still refused to destroy the normalcy he had just started building up again in his life with his daughter. Patterson had told her about Bethany and even showed her a few pictures that Allie had sent her of Kurt with the little grump.
The longer she refused to tell him about it – no matter how much she dreamed of them going through all these things together – the more she told herself, that by now it was already too late. If she had wanted to tell him, the right moment had long since passed and with every day that passed she managed to tell herself that it was better this way and that it would all turn out just fine in the end. The kids had Patterson and had contact with other kids their age at playgrounds and even on the playdates Jane went on every once in a while – grateful for scarfs and long-sleeved jackets that covered up most of her tattoos, hiding them from the other parents.
But as always fate had other plans for her life than she did and on a sunny Saturday, when Patterson was too busy to join them for a late breakfast as had become the norm on weekends, Jane bundled Elise and Leo up in their jackets and they made the trip to one of their favorite playgrounds that was a little further outside of town.
Her kids spent most of their time playing on the fringe in the giant sandbox that also held a large spider net like climbing contraption they were still too young for. Most of the time she sat next to them, helping them play with the sand toys they brought and watching out for them so they wouldn't eat the sand, as much joy as that seemed to bring them. Leo especially was a very talkative kid who, even though he hadn't mastered walking just yet, was always going about his way, crawling away from his mother to meet new friends.
Elise was more of a mommy girl and preferred keeping to familiar faces and Jane suspected it was only because of her brother that she felt brave enough to face new situations at all. She usually didn't worry too much about him, somehow she had a special radar for when the boy got himself in trouble and so she stayed seated in the sand with Eli as Leo went on his tour around the sandbox only occasionally glancing up to make out his bright blue jacket among the other kids.
"Is that a turtle?" she asked her daughter who was currently throwing all the sand she could find into the green sand mold she loved so much, pressing it flat so it fit even more sand, babbling to herself.
"Do you want to turn that around?" Jane grinned at her girl, who was showing her the mold very proudly "We can make a turtle if you want?" When she babbled in agreement and beamed up at her mother, her usual frown forgotten for the moment, Jane put her hands over her daughter's and helped her turn the mold, tapping a melody on it to get the sand loose. Once Elise was satisfied with their work she helped Jane pull it off, delighted at the almost perfect turtle they had created.
Jane watched her daughter for a bit, slowly destroying the turtle and starting to build another one with the same sand, before she raised her head, looking for her son. When she didn't find him straight away, she rose to her feet, knocking off the sand from her jeans and making sure Eli was still busy. She saw a flash of his jacket only 10 feet away and walked over only to find him babbling happily with a kid who was sitting on their bum, her back to Jane seeming to be listening intently.
"Leo" Jane laughed, walking towards her son whose eyes lit up when they found her.
"Mama" he exclaimed, trying to scramble to his feet and even managed to stand on them for a few seconds, a little wobbly but he was getting better every time.
"Who's your new friend?" Jane asked him, reaching for him, grinning at his delight when he reached up for her and continued babbling, the only thing she could make out was "Eli."
"That's not Eli. Eli is building a turtle" Jane smiled at the boy, pulling him up next to her, helping him stand. That was the first time she looked up at the girl who seemed to be a little older than Leo, a pink hat pulled so far down it almost covered her eyes but she could see the tiny frown on her face and understood why Leo would find the resemblance to his sister.
"What's your name?" she asked the girl who was still sitting in the sand, a police car mold in her hands. She seemed rather shy, barely meeting her eyes but giggled when Leo repeatedly called her Eli.
When suddenly a voice called out "Bethany?" from behind her, already apologizing for being absent and Jane froze, her hands still holding on to Leo's who was wiggling in her grip, kicking his feet out, not realizing his mother's distress.
Kurt kneeled down next to his girl but before he could look at her, Jane lifted her son up who started complaining as soon as she did, and tried turning around before he could see her.
"I think we should go", she said before she all but ran back to Elise.
Kurt had been on the phone, putting off yet another request to take a look at an ongoing investigation. With every call he kept getting more and more agitated. It was his weekend with Bethany and he wouldn't let his work take him from her yet again, especially when he had already debriefed with the team in charge on Friday.
When he came back the mum of the boy Bethany had started playing with had gone in search for her kid and he watched as his usually grumpy girl managed to crack a smile at the overly excited boy. He loved seeing her smile and so he had thought maybe they could grab a coffee together seeing as Bethany didn't have as many playmates in New York as she had in Colorado but the boy's mother hadn't even looked at him before she fled the scene.
It was weird, sure, but he wouldn't have thought anything of it – people in New York tended to be weird – hadn't he caught a glimpse of a tattoo on her neck, hidden underneath her dark scarf, when she had turned around. He watched her leave, the boy pressed to her chest, as his heartbeat grew louder and the only thing keeping him from losing it completely was his daughter who had cuddled up against him once more, her hands holding onto his neck.
This couldn't be…
No way that this was…
His thoughts were running a mile a minute and still he didn't seem to be able to form a coherent one. His mind was blank. It was his body that acted autonomously when it got up, Bethany pressed to his chest a hand securely on her head, and followed after the woman, calling the name he had sworn himself to never take into his mouth again.
"Jane!", he called, prisoner of his own body. As always she was the one he was drawn to even when he wanted to run in the other direction. Or maybe he had just never wanted to do that. His heart tended to betray his mind whenever she was concerned. Just like it did now.
She didn't turn and he almost wanted to turn around again, maybe he had mistaken her, maybe he had dreamed of her too often to tell reality from fantasy anymore, but in his heart he felt that it had to be her. His body only reacted this strongly to one person. One person who had shown him what it was like to be alive, only to leave him again and to break his heart worse than it had ever been broken.
Maybe she would be gone before he could reach her again. He was about to give up when he made out the bright blue jacket of the little boy who had been talking to Bethany and the woman, who he believed was Jane with every fiber of his being, held him on her hip but there was another child as well. Kurt frowned at the sight but then it made sense.
She would have to work as something and she had enough compassion to pass as a great nanny. At least that's what he would have thought over a year ago.
"Jane?", the last calling of her name left his lips just as she turned and for the first time in an eternity he could see her face again and his heart stopped. She looked just as beautiful as he remembered her, the only thing tarnishing her beauty was the haunted look on her face, a shadow she tried to keep from the two kids in her arms but then their eyes met and when her green eyes locked with his he forgot everything he had wanted to say.
He was taking a step towards her when he remembered all the hurt she had put him through and he felt his face turn into the hurt grimace, the same one his heart had worn ever since she had left but he had to keep up appearances for Bethany, he didn't want her to see him this… lost, weak.
"Kurt", Jane acknowledged him quietly, giving him a curt nod.
His mouth was dry with fear, anger and longing. There were too many emotions to put them into words so he simply returned the nod with his own throaty voice savoring the pain and wonder of her name once more.
They stared at each other for the longest time before he managed to get another word out, "Can we- Can we talk?"
"Kurt", his name was on her lips again but she sounded like she was about to decline when the boy in her arms gave her a nudge into the side, seeming concerned at her quiet. Instead of continuing to look at him, she looked down at the kid and a bright smile appeared on her lips "It's okay, Leo. We'll go home soon, okay?"
But he had to try again. He couldn't let her go again, not even when everything hurt because the hurt she brought him seemed better than the nothingness he had felt without her. "I know you have to bring them home but maybe we can talk later? At my place. Or-", he added quickly when she looked at him with a frown, "Or at a coffee shop or someplace. Anything. Just… please."
"I don't think-", Jane started when the boy interrupted her once more, babbling "Eli home! Leo home! Mama home?"
Mama?
Kurt froze once more. "They're-"
She nodded slowly, "They're mine."
It seemed as if the world was standing still and he was the one turning, the only thing anchoring him was the warmth of his daughter's body in his arms. Jane had moved on, had found a way of living her life without him and she seemed to have so much more now. A family of her own.
But hadn't he done the same thing? Hadn't he created his own family without her as well? Although not the classical family that she was surely having. The mother of his child was marrying someone else and he was still pining after the woman he could never have, but he still had a family with Bethany. And now she had, too.
"Please", he pleaded again, "Bethany is staying with me this weekend. The kids can play together and we can talk."
"I don't think that's a good idea", she replied quietly and involuntarily he shook his head, the well-known anger returning that he was only able to keep at bay because of the kids present.
"I think you owe me that much", he said as calmly as he could, rocking Bethany back and forth who seemed to be getting restless.
"I know, I know", she agreed, "But I think we should talk alone." She wasn't about to scare her kids when he started yelling at her. "Monday afternoon? I'll find a babysitter." Patterson would be thrilled.
"You're meeting with Kurt?", Patterson all but shrieked, jumping off from the couch she had just settled on. "Why? Why now? Why didn't you tell me?" With every question her voice grew louder.
Jane shushed her with a look at the two kids who were still playing on the carpet but had looked up, babbling excitedly, when Patterson had raised her voice. "I met him when I was out with Eli and Leo on Saturday", she began, glaring at her friend who seemed to want to interrupt her, "And he begged me to talk. He said that I owed it to him."
"Well, that's what I've been telling you for more than a year!", The blonde exclaimed, immediately quietening when she saw Jane's glare. "I'm just saying. Maybe that's fate giving you a huge hint that this is meant to be. You miss him, I can see that. And he misses you, too. You're just hurt, both of you."
"Yeah, well", Jane kneeled down next to Elise, pressing a kiss to her head and rubbing her stuffed toy's cheek, "I think he will be a lot more than hurt when he finds out the truth."
"Wait", Patterson paused, "Who does he think Eli and Leo are?"
"He knows they're mine. And that's it. I didn't want to bring them with me in case he starts getting really angry… I wanted to spare them that", Jane swallowed, "I want to spare him that, too. What am I supposed to tell him, Patterson? I can't tell him they're his kids! I- I can't do that to him. He hates me now, he will despise me then."
"Jane! You can't lie to him! Please. He will love his kids and he never hated you."
"I wouldn't blame him. I'd hate myself if it wasn't for these two bundles of joy." Jane pressed another kiss to her son's head this time and rose to her feet. "I'm going to go. I hope I won't be too long but I probably will. So I've prepared them something for dinner, you only have to heat it up. And you can call me any time if something's wrong and you know Eli only sleeps with her rabbit and Le-Leo needs-"
"Jane. Calm down", Patterson whispered, putting her arms around her friend and hugging her tightly, "It's going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay."
"You don't know that", she replied shaking her head weakly, trying to stop the tears from falling while her chest tightened, "You can't possibly know that."
"Do you want a drink?"
She was about to shake her head but then thought better of it and managed to croak out, "Coffee, if you have any."
He went to work behind the counter, while she stayed seated on the other side of it, letting her gaze travel through the apartment. The pictures were different, a lot of them showed Bethany now. The rest seemed to still be the same as when she had last seen it. The furniture, the books on the shelves, even the smell – everything just like she remembered and just like she dreamed about. Almost every night she dreamed of this one night – the night she had had everything she had ever wanted and then had thrown it all away the next morning.
"Do you still drink it black?"
His voice pulled her out of her thoughts and suddenly he was standing next to her. So close she could breathe him in if she just leaned forward a little bit further. Close enough to touch if she would just reach out to him. But she wouldn't do either. She was too scared he would pull away.
"Yes", she answered simply.
"Thought I'd ask", he muttered, setting the coffee down in front of her, "A lot can change in a year."
The lump in her throat was back and she looked at him anxiously, "What do you want to know?"
Kurt threw her a hard look and opened his mouth but then seemed to think better than to yell at her and instead got up, taking his own cup with him and sat down on the couch, patting the space next to him as an invitation. "I feel this could turn out to be a longer conversation. Might as well make ourselves comfortable."
"Kurt", she began and then hesitated. She wanted to apologize for leaving without a word, for never reaching out to him, for all the hurt she had brought into his life, for everything that had been on her mind and that Patterson had told her time and time again but when she looked into his eyes now, seeing the open expression in them, she halted. "Why are you not angry?", she whispered.
Sighing he put the coffee down on the table and leaned back again, meeting her gaze. "I've been angry", he admitted, "For over a year I have been angry. At you for leaving. At myself for not giving you enough reason to stay. At everyone who told me I would move on at some point." He laughed, no humor in his voice, "As if I could ever forget about you. I've kept to that anger and betrayal and tried to build my walls back up, keeping everyone out and I realized that only made me angrier but I didn't know how to stop. You've always been better than me in pulling my walls down." A faint but real smile grazed his lips for less than a second before he continued.
"And then I saw you again today and- I've thought about this moment so often in the past year", he confessed, "I've gone through every possible scenario in my head and then I met you there… on a playground and everything was different and I was angry again but I also realized how much I missed you. I've never let myself fully feel that and suddenly it was all there and I wanted to talk to you and then … I realized that I didn't even know anything about you anymore." Kurt's voice went low and Jane wanted to interrupt him but he shook his head and she respected his need for talking.
"You've made your own family, without us – me", he smiled sadly, "And I got angry again because clearly you didn't miss us nearly as much as we missed you. Patterson was devastated for a couple of months and I couldn't even be her friend because I was hurting all over. She found a way to pull herself out of that hole, she's a strong one. But clearly you didn't need any time to get over us."
Again she wanted to interrupt him and again he was having none of it, "Then I saw your eyes. And I saw you. You were still the same woman I-", he halted, "The woman I knew before and I thought that you must have had a reason for doing what you did so I wanted to give you the chance to tell me of that reason if you- if you wanted to."
Jane had tears in her eyes when he finished his speech and broke their connection when she lowered her gaze to the coffee in her hand instead because she couldn't believe that this was Kurt Weller, telling her he would listen to her, despite his anger, despite the hurt she had brought him and she would break his heart again. She would make him angry again. She didn't deserve this second chance he was giving her and for a moment she thought about lying, not telling him that Eli and Leo were his but it didn't feel right either.
How could she lie to him when he was this open? He was wearing his heart on his sleeve and she knew how he struggled with that and she didn't find it in herself to break his trust again. If she told him, he'd be angry. If she lied to him again and he found out – because their meeting had shown her that fate always seemed to find a way – she didn't know if he would trust anyone ever again and she wouldn't do that to him. He deserved to find someone to talk to, to hold and trust fully, even if that person could never be her.
Looking up again she tried cracking a smile, "When did you get this smart and controlled?"
"Bethany. That kid teaches me something every day", he said lightly and it almost seemed like old times where they could joke around. Almost. "But you know that, don't you?" She nodded. "What are their names?"
His eyes showed so much adoration for his daughter and even for her kids even though she could still make out the underlying hurt, it brought new tears to her eyes but she kept them down and instead met his gaze, "Elise and Leo. Sometimes I feel they should be raising me, they're so… pure, honest." Something she definitely struggled with.
"They're twins? How old are they?"
She swallowed the lump in her throat, not sure when the right timing was to tell him. "Not yet a year."
"I… see." He frowned and she saw Elise's frown reflected in his face, saw him trying to do the math and stare at her and she saw the hurt he tried to hide that she had found someone so soon after and she was about to open her mouth to tell him when he beat her to it.
"Did you- Did you find someone?"
"There has only ever been one person for me", she whispered quietly, looking into his eyes because she didn't think she could ever look away again.
She watched him silently as the various emotions flitted over his face. She saw hurt and resignation and then confusion.
"No," he shook his head, leaning forward, his elbows resting on his knees and his head propped up on his hands. "No. You never- No. You don't mean-"
"I loved you. I don't think I will ever stop loving you." For the second time in her life she had said it out loud, had put her feelings into words. The first time he had been asleep and she had been leaving. This time they were both here but further apart than she had ever felt. She leaned forward and tried to touch his arm but he pulled away as if her touch burned him.
The anger was back.
"Clearly you never did", he spit out only to bury his face in his hands once more, trying to control his breathing. "If you had ever loved me you would never have left", he said accusingly but more calmly this time, "I couldn't have left you. I loved you so much, I couldn't imagine a day in my life without you. And you… you take- you take my kids. I never knew… I would've-"
Kurt cried.
He couldn't stop the tears falling from his eyes, burning their way down his cheeks. He tried to keep it in, like he had for so long, but it was too much. This was more than he could ever be able to take. He was speechless, empty, broken and he was still trying to keep the anger down because that's what he had been so proud of. He had thought that maybe he wouldn't turn out to be like his father but the anger was there, raw and burning its way through his body.
"I left to protect you and I- I didn't know", Jane tried to explain, tears marring her face as well, "Sandstorm was coming after me and I couldn't put you in the middle of that, I couldn't let you get hurt because of me. I didn't know I was pregnant."
"Well, as soon as you knew you should have told me", he all but yelled, then tried to get a hold of himself again, "It wasn't your right to not tell me about them. If these are my kids then I deserved the right to know. To know them."
"They are your kids", Jane stated evenly, "And I know it was wrong, believe me not a day went by where I didn't have Patterson tell me that you deserved to know but I thought-"
"Patterson?", he exclaimed in agitation, jumping up from the couch. "You told Patterson but not me?"
"Kurt!", she stood up herself, too upset to stay seated any longer now that he had started pacing and would only occasionally look at her. "I didn't tell her! She found me and we met regularly and then she found out. I tried to put all of you behind me, for your own safety. But then one day Patterson wound up on my doorstep and I couldn't send her away. I did this to you but I still missed you", she tried to make him see, "You all were my family and I was alone – of my own choosing but still alone. Some part of me was terrified when I saw her but another felt alive again for the first time in months."
"She never told us", Kurt muttered to himself, turning to Jane with his hands raised. "Why wouldn't she trust us? We… they – Tasha, Reade and her – were looking for you and she never told anyone."
"She wanted to." Jane took a step towards him, careful not to enter his personal space. "But I begged her to keep it to herself. Please don't be mad at her. She wanted to tell all of you everything and she only kept quiet because of me. I knew you'd get over me eventually. You'd move on with your lives and you would be happier."
He shook his head and when he took a tiny step towards her she wasn't sure whether he had meant to or if it was involuntarily but she didn't comment on it. They were so close that she could hear his heavy breathing. "That's a stupid plan", he whispered, "I could never be happier without you."
"I had hoped you'd be", she replied just as quietly, feeling drained all of the sudden. "When Patterson found me she told me you were all missing me, too, but she seemed so alone when she asked me to just meet with her because she needed a friend. I couldn't deny her that after everything I did. And then she found out about the pregnancy and she begged me to tell you but I thought it would be horrible to break your heart, only to come back because I messed up again."
"We", he cut her off, "We messed up and we both should have had to deal with it. You went through all of that on your own?"
"I had Patterson." A ghost of a smile graced her lips. "She was there for every appointment and she loves them so much. I was scared my body would be too weak to carry them to term but it did. And once they were here she told me again to tell you but the longer I waited the worse the timing got. And now-"
"And now here we are", he finished for her.
"Yeah", she agreed faintly, dropping her chin down to her chest, trying to bite back the tears.
Everything had been smashed to smithers once more and it was her fault again. Whatever she did she ended up hurting the people she loved the most. It was tiring. She hadn't felt this drained in a long time. However long her kids kept her up at night, she could always see their beauty and the joy they brought into her life while all she ever brought was pain and destruction.
"Jane?"
She only looked up when she felt him take her hands into his gently. Her eyes widened at the careful gesture and they met his. He seemed no less surprised at the action but he went with it anyway.
"I'm still angry", he admitted, "But I don't want you to run again because-"
"Because you feel responsible for them now", she concluded, "Because that's the kind of man you are. I won't take them away from you."
For the first time there was a hopeful sparkle in his eyes that resonated in her heart and made its beating lighter. "Thank you", he said gently, "But let me finish, please. I don't want you to run again for two reasons."
"First, I want to meet my children. I want them to know their dad and I want to watch them grow up. And secondly", he took a deep breath meeting her gaze firmly, "I want you to stay because I want to get to know you, too. I want you back in my life if- if that's possible."
"Of course that's possible", Jane sobbed, losing the fight against the waterworks that had started turning an hour ago, "I didn't think you would ever be able to forgive me. I promise you, I won't leave again. I will be in your life in any way you want me to be."
Kurt closed the remaining distance and let his arms do what they had been aching to do ever since she had left. They encircled her and held on to her as tightly as he dared. When she succumbed to his embrace he let his head fall down, resting his face in her hair, breathing in the scent he had thought he would never get to smell again. He felt the tears that were running down his cheeks as well and he felt her body shake with the sobs of all the sorrow she had encountered and he made a silent vow to fix this.
They would fix what they had messed up with each other. He wanted her back, needed her in his life more than he let himself admit while she was gone but now that she was here, he felt his heart rate slow down to a healthy rhythm for the first time in almost two years.
He knew that this wouldn't fix everything, he knew that he was still hurt and angry but he also knew what he was fighting for because he knew the mark the time without her had left.
They would find their way back to each other.