I like this I don't care what you say :I
begin with the reading.
I was laying in my living room on the couch, my mind drifting to thoughts I shouldn't be thinking of.
I kept thinking about baby blue, the color is everywhere I go.
It's been like this for two months now.
But I hadn't seen the real blue for a month. I talked to him a week ago on the phone, drunk, Demanding he bring me back my shit as soon as possible, so I won't have to have any contact with him again.
Ever.
Rukia offered to take my things for me so I wouldn't have to deal with him.
She said he'd done enough already.
"heh" I chuckle bitterly and cover my eyes with my arm.
He did enough alright.
I felt my chest ache.
Just remembering it makes me want to crawl into a tiny hole, where no one could ever find me.
How did this happen?
The thought plagues my mind.
I turned to lay on my side quickly, as if to shake it out of my thoughts.
He said he didn't want to do it.
"fuck..." I murmur as I get up to have a beer.
I feel like shit.
Everything does.
But the blue sky is still up above me, like nothing ever happened.
Like it can be fixed.
Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, calling his name because I'm cold And I want him to keep me warm, or just to feel him next to me.
But there is no answer.
It's better like this.
I stopped it before I got hurt AGAIN.
I look at the beer can in my hand, I do this routin automatically now.
Slump on the couch, drift into dangerous thoughts then drink.
I open it and chug it's contents.
"ha" breathing out as I finish it.
I crush the can in my hand and throw it in the trash.
I miss.
Cursing, I walk up to the deformed can of the floor, and bend my body down so I could pick it up.
I hear a knock at the door as I reach for the crushed beer container.
I stand up.
"yeah?" I ask in a bored tone, forgetting the can on the floor.
There was silence for a while until I hear a painful voice say "...it's me."
My breath hitched.
I was frozen to my spot.
"ichigo?..."
No.
Don't you fucking say my name like that.
"what do you want?" I bark at the voice.
Please go away.
There was a sigh "you said to bring you your 'shit'." He emphasized the word unnecessarily.
I scowled.
I guess he did listen to me. He never did that when I was drunk before.
Walking carefully to the door I opened it slowly, revealing a perfect baby blue color.
A face that I don't want to see, a body that I don't want near me, and a voice that cuts my insides.
He was holding a big carton box, another one at his feet.
We looked at each other for a while, not moving.
I smell his scent, and try not to close my eyes and drift into bliss.
I realize that we're just standing like idiots, so I move away from the door "uh, you can leave them here."
His brows furrow as he walks past me "no, it's okay. You DID say I better take them all the way on the phone." he says sarcastically.
If I could I would slap my drunk self and him as the same fucking time.
"whatever. Just get the hell out of my face."
He stops at that, he puts the box on the ground, making his way towards me.
"don't do this." begs.
I glare at him "so, should I just get back to you right now? This is the part where I forgive you for fucking that bitch? Is there going to be sad music when we kiss and make up?" I snap, there's a flame in my stomach.
All the fucking hurt.
He presses his lips into thin line, eyes hardening "it was a-"
"it was a mistake?! is that all you have to say?!" my voice hurts, my eyes sting, the fire isn't going away.
This time HE snaps, he slams the door closed with his hand next to me, startling me making my eyes go wide.
"no! I did it for you! For US! We were living in a shit hole with no fucking money! She said she'd give me the job if I..." he stopped himself, he didnt say it out loud. I felt relieved that he didnt say it because I think I would have dropped to the floor and bawled my eyes out "I would have NEVER, Do something like this out of my free will." he growls through clenched teeth.
I'm frozen.
His eyes soften "I would do anything for you Ichigo." he murmurs and caresses my cheek.
I breath in harshly as he touches me "don't. Fucking. Touch me." I seethe.
He stops. He facial expression becomes desperate "why don't you believe me Ichi..?" he whispers defeated.
My nostrils flare "I said. Don't. Touch. Me." I can't control myself. it hurts. It hurts.
"I won't stop." he says through clenched teeth.
The fire in my stomach flared dangerously and I rammed my fist in his jaw, he fell backwards, hitting the table behind him.
I heaved as I watched him look at me, I couldnt read his expression as my mind was blank with anger "how much time were you cheating on me huh?! How much?! You say you did it for us but you did it in vain, there is no US anymore Grimmjow! And it's your fucking fault..." I stopped screaming because the lump in my throat just grew bigger, making it hard for me to speak without my voice breaking into pitiful sobs. I swallowed hard.
Grimmjow got up, and walked up to me dangerously fast, he fisted at my shirt and slammed me against the wall "I sold my body so you could be happy." I saw the controlled anger bubble up inside his blue eyes.
I shook my head "I never asked you to." I whisper desparetadly.
"of course you fucking WOULDN'T! You would just grit your fucking teeth and keep the fucking job that makes your life hell! You would fucking live in a shit hole where the power goes out regularly because we can't pay the fucking bills! And you would fucking stay with your unemployed shit bag of a boyfriend and let him watch you slowly work yourself to death!" he snarled at me, I could already see a bruise starting to form on his perfect face.
"no, we could have worked something out!" I felt the lump making my voice shaky "you didnt have to betray me! You didnt!" my face twisted in pain.
Grimmjow widened his eyes and growled through a frown "no matter what I fucking do, it's not enough. I finally found a way to help you-"
"you did it by fucking CHEATING ON ME!" I screamed out "how could you fucking say it's help when you made me this way?!" I held his wrist that was fisting my shirt, and dug my nails into the skin.
"yeah I fucking did! And I'd do it again if it means making you better!" he shakes me harshly.
"NO!" I scream at him and wrench his hand from my shirt, I pushed him hard, making him fall onto his back.
I straddled him and fisted his collar with both hands "you're mine! You're MINE! I wont let you!" I panicked.
I Pushed him down again by his muscular chest, holding him there. I was breathing so hard my head hurt. I was feeling Grimmjow again after such a long time. I looked at his chest and trailed my hands on his pecks, down to his stomach.
"I'm yours." he breathed out gruffly, sliding his hands up to my hips.
I shuddered at the touch of his hands.
"I hate you." I growl out at him.
He gave me a hurt expression, squeezing my hips.
I trail my hands up his body, leaning forward, the action making me brush against his lower stomach. My eyes lidded as I smelled Grimmjows scent again clearly.
I haven't touched him in so long, fuck. I closed my eyes and moved backwards, brushing against him again.
"Grimmjow." I breath out.
He growled in his chest and pulled my hips down on his, making electricity flow through my body.
"I love you Ichigo." he says pained.
I open my eyes at him. He used to say that when I was in his arms all the time. Did he say it...
"fuck you." I seethe. I held his jaw harshly with one of my hands so he'll be forced to look at me "you're mine jaegerjaquez". I only saw red.
Red from anger and red from lust.
He pushed up from the ground and sat up, bringing me closer to him. He buried his face in the crook of my neck and started kissing it, murmuring that he loves me.
My eyes slid closed and I breathed out a "shut up." weakly.
He caressed my skin with soft touched, I fisted my hand in his hair painfully. Pulling at it as I was trying to create friction again between us.
I braced my other arm around his neck for leavarege and moved up to grind.
"ah..." I moan as a scowl forms on my lust filled face, eyes sliding closed.
Grimmjow held me close, biting my skin gently and licking at it afterwards.
I started moving desparetadly in his arms, his scent is driving my crazy. He's touching me so gently it's making me angry.
I pulled at his hair, making his face snap upwards from the force of the tug.
"ugh..." he grunted uncomfortably.
I looked at his pained face and leaned forward, smashing our lips together and making him fall on his back again.
He grunted again and ran his hands throughout my body.
"mmmh." I hummed, my body shaking slightly.
I ravished his mouth, deepening the kiss as much as I could. I pushed my body flush against his own while moving.
I felt hot, too hot. I need to make him understand that he's mine, he can't do this.
"I love you." he breaths out gently against my lips, squeezing my body to him.
His eyes were glassy and hooded, perfect blue shining captivatingly with the cheap fluorescent light above us.
"shut the fuck up." I feel my voice crack as I balled my fists.
What am I doing? Just what am I doing?
I need to get away from him, I can't go back. I can't.
Grimmjow kissed my forehead, and then my lips. He's so gentle, his touch is so soft. I close my eyes.
As I can feel is his touch, his body with mine and his scent.
I sigh in bliss.
I feel like crying.
He licks my lips and I open them immideately. Hungrily closing them over his.
Fumbling with my hands, I reach for his pants to undo them.
Grimmjow dosen't react and keeps holding me gently. Fuck him. I feel the anger flare again.
"don't touch me... Like that." I growl out between his kisses.
He stops and cradles my face with his hands "what do you want me to do?"
I slap his hands away from me, sit up and frown in anger. "I want you to stop fucking around. this is what you wanted isn't it? You came here so you could relieve your dick right?" I spit out. I grind us together harshly to make my point, I shudder with the friction "ah... Now you can fuck me and go, I don't wanna see your face after tonight." I bite my lip holding back so I won't say anything more pitiful.
Grimmjow's eyes widened, he looked pained and defeated. He lay there under me, breathing harshly, his hair is a mess.
I want him. I want him to feel like shit, just like I did.
"I'm not gonna go anywhere." he says calmly "and I won't do anything to hurt you again. I want to stay with you."
The lump is finally overflowing as I feel tears slide down my cheeks, my face twists with agony from his word.
Don't say that.
I might believe you.
We're completely naked on my bed, I can feel his body slidin with mine. His skin is hot and slick with sweat as he moves into me.
I shudder and claw at his shoulder, my other hand is fisted in his sky blue locks.
"ahh... Hah..."
I smell his scent and close my eyes hard, feeling pleasure mingling with it. It's making me dizzy.
"Ichigo..." I hear him whisper my name softly, he caresses my neck with kisses.
We move slowly, making my whole body jerk with need, although I will not rush him, no way. I need this.
Our sweat is mixed together between our bodies and I move with him now.
"Hah, I love you." he keeps saying that.
My chest hurts.
"Grimmjow..." can't we stay like this forever? Are all these words you are whispering to me lies?
Will you leave me again to lie on my sofa and only daydream about you?
I thought you said you were mine.