Title: Strength and Control
Author: Trindajae
Email: YES PLEASE! Trindajae@yahoo.com
Rating: G, or if you have a really dirty mind you can make it PG.
Summary: How important is control and what would you give it up for? Short little poem that takes place sometime between the first and second movies.
Status: Complete
Date: 09 November 2003
Updated: 12 November 2003
--------------------
Strength and Control
by Trindajae
What do I feel?
Confusion
Fear
Hope
Anger
Indescribable joy.
I am confused by the plethora of emotions
I am confused by this new situation
I don't know exactly what I want,
That is a new feeling, too.
I used to always know.
I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up.
I knew that I never wanted to get married,
Didn't want children.
Let someone else contribute to the over-population problem.
Let someone else juggle the pressures of family and career.
I just wanted career.
I wanted to find my friends in my workplace
And meaningful work to do.
Then there was that realization about reality.
I took the red pill,
Woke up to cold blue light.
"Welcome to the real world, Trinity."
I learned about fear.
I had been afraid before,
Afraid I would get caught,
Get in trouble for cracking some government system,
Thrown in jail for a decade or three.
But waking up to reality taught me to fear,
Fear for my life and the lives of my friends,
Fear the shape of a squiddie on the scope,
Fear things that I don't understand.
Worst is the fear of this budding relationship.
Of all possible humans, I fell for
The pod-born pencil-neck with scruffy black hair.
A part of me didn't want to want it.
I didn't want to fall.
I wanted to be in control.
I wanted to be in control of myself if not my life.
Control is all-important, and
I don't have it.
I lost it and I don't know where or when,
But I do know how.
I looked into your eyes and thought,
"What if..."
What if you are as trustworthy as you seem?
What if you're not?
What if I miss out on something wonderful
Because I'm afraid?
What would you do if I kissed you right now?
I have never consciously let fear run my life, always
Fighting against it when I realize I'm reacting
From a desire to avoid something scary.
It would be a tragedy to be a slave to my fear
All from a desperate attempt to avoid pain.
I refused to run from you because of the
Inexcusable reason of my terror.
I realized it would hurt worse when
I understood what I had missed
Than it would hurt if I misjudged you
And let you close enough to do damage.
Sometimes I still feel the uncertainty,
The desire to run away,
To run while I've still got some of my wits,
Some sense of self-control.
But, inevitably, something happens,
The same thing every time.
Trapped in some night terror, I feel your hands.
Gently, relentlessly waking me,
Pulling me more firmly into your arms,
Stroking me and kissing me awake,
Murmuring nonsense sounds of comfort
To tell me that you are there,
That you understand.
I turn in your arms and burry my face in your shoulder
You hold me as I cry silently.
I am always the first to fall back asleep.
You never tell the others how often I am weak,
You never shun me for my lack of strength.
You simply help me pick up the pieces,
Rebuild my defenses.
Then we turn and face the world together.
Author: Trindajae
Email: YES PLEASE! Trindajae@yahoo.com
Rating: G, or if you have a really dirty mind you can make it PG.
Summary: How important is control and what would you give it up for? Short little poem that takes place sometime between the first and second movies.
Status: Complete
Date: 09 November 2003
Updated: 12 November 2003
--------------------
Strength and Control
by Trindajae
What do I feel?
Confusion
Fear
Hope
Anger
Indescribable joy.
I am confused by the plethora of emotions
I am confused by this new situation
I don't know exactly what I want,
That is a new feeling, too.
I used to always know.
I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up.
I knew that I never wanted to get married,
Didn't want children.
Let someone else contribute to the over-population problem.
Let someone else juggle the pressures of family and career.
I just wanted career.
I wanted to find my friends in my workplace
And meaningful work to do.
Then there was that realization about reality.
I took the red pill,
Woke up to cold blue light.
"Welcome to the real world, Trinity."
I learned about fear.
I had been afraid before,
Afraid I would get caught,
Get in trouble for cracking some government system,
Thrown in jail for a decade or three.
But waking up to reality taught me to fear,
Fear for my life and the lives of my friends,
Fear the shape of a squiddie on the scope,
Fear things that I don't understand.
Worst is the fear of this budding relationship.
Of all possible humans, I fell for
The pod-born pencil-neck with scruffy black hair.
A part of me didn't want to want it.
I didn't want to fall.
I wanted to be in control.
I wanted to be in control of myself if not my life.
Control is all-important, and
I don't have it.
I lost it and I don't know where or when,
But I do know how.
I looked into your eyes and thought,
"What if..."
What if you are as trustworthy as you seem?
What if you're not?
What if I miss out on something wonderful
Because I'm afraid?
What would you do if I kissed you right now?
I have never consciously let fear run my life, always
Fighting against it when I realize I'm reacting
From a desire to avoid something scary.
It would be a tragedy to be a slave to my fear
All from a desperate attempt to avoid pain.
I refused to run from you because of the
Inexcusable reason of my terror.
I realized it would hurt worse when
I understood what I had missed
Than it would hurt if I misjudged you
And let you close enough to do damage.
Sometimes I still feel the uncertainty,
The desire to run away,
To run while I've still got some of my wits,
Some sense of self-control.
But, inevitably, something happens,
The same thing every time.
Trapped in some night terror, I feel your hands.
Gently, relentlessly waking me,
Pulling me more firmly into your arms,
Stroking me and kissing me awake,
Murmuring nonsense sounds of comfort
To tell me that you are there,
That you understand.
I turn in your arms and burry my face in your shoulder
You hold me as I cry silently.
I am always the first to fall back asleep.
You never tell the others how often I am weak,
You never shun me for my lack of strength.
You simply help me pick up the pieces,
Rebuild my defenses.
Then we turn and face the world together.