Byakuya clutched at his heart frantically. That feeling... that suffocating feeling of guilt and lonliness. The crippling sensation brought him tumbling down, crawling along the floor pathetically. He felt like his own wildly fluctuating reiatsu would smother him and all of Soul Society, if he wasn't so good at containing it. All he could do was wait for this Hell to end. Even in battle, he'd never suffered like this. Never, ever.
He knew exactly why he felt this way. Ever since his wife died, along with the near consent to execute Rukia, the sister of his late beloved, and the stress of constantly having to appear perfect. It was taking its toll on his mind. The guilt, the self loathing, the pressure... they all combined in a cocktail recipe for catastrophe. The wave finally subsided, just as Byakuya thought he might scream from the agony. He took lungfuls of sweet air, sweat pouring from his now ghostly complexion. He washed his face at the bathroom sink, looking at the reflection in the glass. His high cheekbones protruded more than usual from his already angular face. His jaw was just as evident, and his pupils were dilated as small as possible with a foreign fear and panic he'd only come to experience as of recent weeks. He looked disgustingly vulnerable, though not as haunted as he anticipated. There was a knock at the door, and he composed himself as best as possible before answering it.
"Ukitake Taicho," Byakuya greeted him, nodding in acknowledgement. "What do you need to tell me?"
"Well, there's a meeting concerning the promotion of Rukia to Vice Captain level... I know what your answer is, I just need to hear it so I can relay the words to the council. "
"My answer is no, and I will not be making any appearances unless it is absolutely necessary. Am I understood?"
"H-Hai... are you feeling alright? You look paler than usual."
"I'm fine, I just haven't had time to worry about vanities."
"Whatever you say..." The 6th Captain breathed a sigh of relief as his associate left from his presence. He couldn't be bothered, or bother anyone with such overwhelming sensations. So why did he have to experience such demoralising bouts of negativity? He needed something to cure it something to numb the pain capable of seizing his heart and forcing it beat beyond the strains his he was capable of handling. He decided to confide in Unohana, one of the healers in Soul Society, about his condition. The physical part, however, was the only part he found she needed to know to diagnose and find a remedy for these stress related heart problems.
"Well..." Unohana said at last, Byakuya sitting on the end of the table after his MRI scan. "Your bouts of heart palpitations are definitely linked to elevated levels of stress in your brain. I imagine you'd naturally have a lot to stress about, being not just the Captain of the 6th squad, but also being 28th Head of the Kuchiki clan... but are any personal matters bothering you?" Byakuya huffed, pretending to be insulted as not to rouse any further concern in Unohana about the potential damage his hidden emotions could be doing to him. As far as he was concerned, emotions were just as in your head as any hallucination. In fact, they were a hallucination, a reaction to certain stimuli.
"I'm fine, thanks. I don't have the luxury to filthy myself with such a human triviality as emotion." With that, he picked up his dignity and his hakama, redressing and strutting out of the clinic with the appropriate medication. Reading the instructions on his pill bottles, he took the recommended dose. Looking out the window, he realised how alluringly calm the night was, just calling him to walk through the gardens. The cherry trees were in full blossom, their petals a shiny, silky pink in the moonlit breeze. Stopping at the bridge, Byakuya admired the moon reflected on the water below, just listening to the wind whistle in his ears and the stream splash over its stone bottom peacefully. Everything was so beautifully still, so deceptively peaceful. How is it possible to feel such erratic emotions in a place so serene? It makes no sense...
"Kuchiki," a familiar voice said, catching the 6th Captain by surprise as he recognised the reiatsu he previously hadn't noticed. "I thought I'd find you here.
"Abarai Renji. What do you need?" He replied, tonelessly.
"For God's sake. Do I have to need something to accompany you in enjoying tonight's moon?" The lieutenant said, irritated by his superior's usual arrogance, but standing next to him on the bridge anyway. He took a few stones from the ground, skipping them along the water. He offered one to his superior, smirking competitively. The higherup huffed, accepting the challenge. Renji's last stone had skipped five, and the Captain's only managed three, to his disappointment.
"I have to be stronger than you in at least one area, right?" The lieutenant said with a rueful smile.
"Why are you doing this?" Byakuya asked, straightforward and intrigued by Renji's kindness.
"I'm worried." He admitted, looking down at the lake into the reflection of his Captain's empty eyes. "You shove your emotions so far down... I can tell it's starting to eat away at you. You can't keep pretending nothing is wrong. Not forever."
"Even Shinigami are not immortal."
"Taicho, you can't be serious! You can't suppress everything and lock it up till you die!" Byakuya bit his lip, gripping the rail a bit harder, and growing a bit angry with his lieutenant's persistent mask chipping, but his eyes remained dull.
"What choice do I have? Being close to a subordinate will give me a vulnerability, and opening up about personal matters means I could crack under pressure. I'm your Captain and the 28th Head of the Kuchiki clan. I set an image for the people of Soul Society and for Rukia. Do you not understand that there is no room for fault or sentiment in my position?"
"...You're missing out on all the good things too, you know." Renji said quietly, feeling like a child in the ever commanding and controlled presence of his superior.
"My wife is dead and I have too many responsibilities to indulge in the leisure of feeling. I have no one to share with, the experiences that you speak of, so there is no point."
"Don't you even care about yourself at all?"
"My duty lies in serving Soul Society. You know very well that this is a job where the public comes first."
"And where do you come in?!" Renji couldn't stand hearing the pseudo-altruism of his image concerned Captain, grabbing him by the collar of his hakama and pulling him close so they were eye to eye. "Third? Last? Nowhere?! You can't save anyone if you won't even save yourself!" The last sentence shook Byakuya to his core, but he regained his composure before Renji could notice the change in his face. He removed his subordinate's hand from his collar, deciding to voice his grievances to shut the stubborn lieutenant up.
"You'd hide your emotions from the world, from yourself, if it was only the past that was haunting you. There is no reason to grieve the past, so I am not entitled to feel any sorrow or depression because of it. The events have long since transpired, I have no reason to share my emotions with anyone."
"Kuchiki-Taicho..." Renji didn't know what to say.
"I appreciate your concern, but there is nothing that can be done for me."