Fade, by Aisha Iwakura
I try to breathe
Memories taking over me
I try to face them but
The thought is too much to concieve
Pain. Thats all I feel. Along with intense anger. Whenever I'm alone the pain and anger wash over me like a giant tidal wave of emotion. What makes it worse is lighting crashes outside along with pouring rain. Perfect for my mood isnt it? A hand absent-mindly rakes through my soft bangs as I stare at the carpeted floor. I feel the urge to get up and punch the shit out of something but I stay still, knowing that wont solve anything. A sigh escapes my lips as I glare into the carpet in a futitle attempt of releasing some pressure.
I only know that I can change
Everything else just stays the same
So now I step out of the darkness
That time my life became 'cause
I walk silently over to the plain bed set up againt the wall and it creaks in protest as I fall on top of it. The memories begin to filter back into my brain now that I'm relaxed. The pain, and the anger that resulted from the pain. I was left alone as a child, left to fend for myself until a solitary man took me under his wing like a mother bird to a chick. I trusted him........until he lost his temper way too often. I often went into hiding for his beatings were too great.
I just needed someone to talk to
You were just too busy with yourself
You were never there for me to express how I felt
I just stuffed it down
A rather loud crash of thunder sounded throught the area, rattling the windows in its pane. The same window cracks and shatters, spraying shards of glass over my relaxed form on the bed. Some of the tiny shards pierce the bare skin of my arms, drawing blood that trickles down in tiny pools in the bedspread. I don't even flinch for they are small cuts; something I could take care later. My eyes absently wander to a rather large shard of glass lying beside my wrist. Like a sign. Like Death is calling to me with open arms.
Now I'm older and I feel like
I could let some of this anger fade
But i seems to surface
I am scratching
Is the bed that I have made
I keep my eyes on the shard for a few brief seconds before sitting up, some of the smaller shards falling from my body. My calloused hand reaches over and picks up the shard. The rain and the flashes of light from outside reflect on the glass, giving it a sort of eerie appearance. I turn the shard from back to front, examining it with fascination wondering how a simple piece of matter could end a human life with just a few quick slashes.
So where were you
When all this I was going through
You never took the time to ask me
Just what you could do
I bring the shard down onto the lightly tanned flesh of my wrist, cutting it open. My eyes widen slightly seeing the ammount of blood pouring out in rivulets, onto the bed spread. I bring the shard down again, slashing the other direction making a bloody "X" shape on my wrist. As I am completing my task, my mind wanders to the time when he used to beat me. All the pain I have felt inside but never showing it bleeds from my wrists, along with my horrid life away into nothingness. As I slowly lie back on the bed, a small smile creeps across my usually straight line of a mouth, knowing I am going someplace where I will never feel pain again.
I never meant to fade away.....