THE APOCRYPHA TO "SHOOTING VAMPIRES"

THE AMAZING LOST TALE OF "RAZIEL, KAIN, DANTE and THE GREAT MOEBIUS MASSACRE"!

Presented to you by VladimirsAngel, who will soon be put away somewhere safe, don't worry. Once the nice men in white coats have wrestled the draft copy of a fanfic entitled "Aragorn and Legolas Get Terribly Warm" from her hands, she will be given a lovely padded room with a view and absolutely no paper or writing implements…

A Happy New Year to you all! Best wishes and happy writing. ^_^

Disclaimer: Raziel, Kain, Moebius and related Nosgothian references are the property of Silicon Knights, Crystal Dynamics and Eidos Interactive. Dante belongs to the happy folk at Capcom. Lupa and Vladimir (*sings* The boys are back in town…) belong to me. Kurt Wagner belongs to Marvel Comics. The boys from Tekken are a Nameco product.

Warning. This story contains serious Moebius-bashing, and in accordance with new film ratings has been rated a 12A.

Kain steps out of the Time-Streaming Device, the massive gun slung across his body. They are back in Moebius' fortress (while it still stands, and hasn't been filled with big ugly demons).

Kain: Hellooo-ooo?

His voice echoes. A few rats scuttle away from his feet as he walks towards the door.

Raziel: Hey….

He glances about himself with some suspicion and not a little anger.

Raziel: This isn't fair! Every time I came here I got attacked mercilessly by hordes of Moebius's lackeys. Where are they all?

Kain: *grinning* They're hiding cos they're scared of me.

Dante: *pulling on the Ifreet gauntlets, which blaze with flame* I think you'll find they're scared of me, actually.

Raziel rolls his eyes: impressive feat in someone with no pupils.

Raziel: Spare me. I think I'm gonna choke on the fumes from your egos.

Kain ignores him, and they walk out together into the corridor.

The castle seems empty, save for the bats. Dante shakes his head.

Dante: This Moebius…he must be cowardly as well as evil.

Raziel: Are you kidding? The man's yellower than a bowl of custard.

Kain: *bellowing* Moe-bius….! Oh, Moebius! I have a Christmas present for yo-hoo….!

Raziel: Wait wait wait! I have a better idea…

He whispers in Kain's ear. Kain grins.

Kain: Oh yes…I forgot. *in a sudden loud, falsely cheerful voice* Well…G'night, Raziel.

Raziel: *equally loudly* G'night, Kain.

They look at Dante, who seems confused.

Raziel: *hisses* Say goodnight to us?

Dante: You guys are nuts.

Kain cocks the gun meaningfully.

Dante: *loudly* G'night Kain….

Kain: G'night Dante!

Dante: …and g'night Raziel!

Raziel: G'night Dante!

Kain: *glancing at the shadows* G'night…Moebius…

Moebius's voice: G'night, John-Boy…*realises* oh, hell….

Kain: You should have watched Dallas instead, you know.

He squeezes the trigger. The grenade launcher fires in a cloud of sparks and smoke. The kick nearly knocks Kain off his feet.

Moebius can be glimpsed fleeing from his corner.

Raziel: There he goes!

Dante explodes into his demon form and gives chase.

Moebius: *glancing behind him at the terrible sight of demon-Dante in his wrath* Mummy!

He skids around a corner, Dante in hot pursuit.

Moebius: *finding himself backed up against a wall* Who the hell are you anyway?

Dante halts and reverts to his human shape.

Dante: I am your death, demon. Torturer of babies. Neglecter of kittens.

Moebius: You neglect kittens? *tuts* Shameful.

Dante: *furious* Not ME! You!

Kain and Raziel catch up.

Raziel: You know me, don't you though? I'd be upset if you'd forgotten. After all we've meant to each other.

The Reaver curls into life around his arm and purrs like a happy cat.

Moebius: *eyeing it* Oops.

Kain: Get him!

They rush at him. Moebius, in a comedy Warner Brothers moment, whips out a paint-brush and tin, paints a door on the blank wall, opens it, and dives through it.

Moebius: *waving* Tootles!

The door slams. Raziel and Kain, who are above such things, allow Dante to take a run at the door and watch, grinning, as he bounces off solid stone and slides gently to the floor.

Kain: *shaking his head* This is how we do it…

The gun roars. Moebius's inner wall abruptly ceases to exist in a shower of grit and stone. The Time-Streamer is revealed in the shower room, a towel wrapped round his head.

Moebius: *grabbing the shower curtain to him and shrieking like an old maiden aunt* EEEEEEEE! Don't come in! Don't come in!

Raziel: Ewww. Who'd want to?

Kain: He's faking. He's still got his clothes on. Get him!

Moebius: *small voice* I shall hit you with my loofah.

Raziel: *grinning under his cowl* Now there's a threat you don't hear every day.

The red point of the laser-sights wanders across Moebius' towel.

Moebius: *fumbling with a ludicrous pair of plastic comedy spectacles, complete with plastic nose and moustache* You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses, would you?

Kain: Let me think.

The gun fires.

Kain: *waving away the resulting cloud of smoke* Yup. I would.

Dante: *pointing* He's getting away!

Singed Moebius, complete with towel, is skittering towards the doorway that leads to the inner chambers of the fortress. Dante performs his celebrated double air-hike but is unable to catch up in time.

Kain: *checking his gun* Great. Now I have to reload. Anyone know how to do that? Dante, I'm looking at you.

MEANWHILE: Far off within the Nexus, in a fighting arena surrounded by hundreds of spectators outside the fortress of the Mishima Zaibatsu, Lupa is trying her best to stop Nightcrawler from killing himself laughing.

Lupa: Look, I don't think this is helping….

Kurt: *barely able to speak* He's….ha ha ha…he's wearing…

Lupa: Don't say it! Last time you said it he looked really really mad.

Kurt: *can't contain himself any more* HE'S WEARING A NAPPY!!! (this is also known as a diaper, in case anyone's unfamiliar with the term! - VA)

Mwhahahahahahaha…!

Lupa glances across at the face of Heihachi Mishima, which is slowly but surely going crimson with rage.

Lupa: But he sure wasn't born yesterday. Kurt! Look out!

Too late. She winces.

Lupa: Ooohhh…power-noogie.

BACK IN NOSGOTH: Moebius, puffing and panting, runs into his bedroom and locks the door.

Moebius: Got to hide. Got to hide…

He fixes upon the closet, and dives inside, trying to control his breathing. Outside there is a ~FOOOOOM~ as Kain blows the door off its hinges.

Raziel's voice: He's not here.

Kain's voice: He must be. We already checked in the bathroom, the Jacuzzi room, the squash courts, the thumbscrews cabinet, the kitchen - Dante!?

Dante's voice: *slightly muffled* Yeah?

Kain's voice: Put that sandwich away. I'm not going to tell you again.

Raziel's voice: Did you bring that jar of olives off the top shelf? I could really go for an olive right now.

Dante's voice: No. They were criminally past their use-by date.

Raziel's voice: Ah, you big wussy -

Kain's voice: Right. That's it. I'll just have to destroy everything in the place that's capable of holding Moebius.

There is the sound of the gun cocking.

Raziel's voice: Sounds good to me. Then we can go raid his fridge. He had a whole pizza in there.

The distinctive hum of the Reaver fills the air. Moebius whimpers.

Kain's voice: Starting with this stunning collection of Pokemon cards.

Raziel's voice: But he surely couldn't fit in a box that small.

Kain's voice: *gleefully* Maybe not yet. But it can be arranged.

Moebius: *bursting out of the closet* No! Don't do it! Don't you know how rare some of those are?!

Raziel: *smoothly* Why, Moebius, I see you've finally decided to come out of the closet. That's very brave of you. How was it when your parents found out?

Moebius: *frantic* Not the cards! Never the cards!

He grabs the box from Kain and holds it protectively against his skinny chest.

Moebius: Aha! You tiny fools, you do not know what awesome tortures this box can inflict upon you! You are truly doomed, for I shall unleash the power that lies within…

Dante: *aside, to Kain* Shall I flame him or will you?

Kain: Wait. I wanna see what he's got in the box.

Raziel: Suppose it's bunnies?

Dante: Or maybe midgets? (Oh God. Here we go again! - VA)

Moebius: Ha! You have no idea. You shall be as helpless as small children and kittens before me.

Raziel: *to Dante* See? We told you so…

Moebius: *preparing to open the box* The sky shall be red with fire, and the waters boil into nothingness. Lo, there shall be great devastation across the land. Great beasts shall roam in the shadow, slaying all in their path. And there shall be one ring to rule them all, a ring of power, a ring so -

Doink.

A gold bust of Heihachi Mishima bounces off Moebius's skull. He crumples, the box still unopened in his hands.

Kurt: *from the doorway* I hope you gentlemen don't mind, but he was really starting to get on my nerves.

Lupa: Raz! You're still in one piece!

She runs to him and cuddles him.

Raziel: *feeling his lack of lower jaw* Well, technically speaking…

Dante is picking up the golden statue.

Dante: Kurt, what's this?

Kurt: *offhand* Oh, apparently I now control the Mishima Zaibatsu. I entered some sort of combat thingy and I won.

He sniggers.

Kurt: I had to fight this old guy in a nappy. You should have seen it. It was classic.

Kain: *peering past him* Who's that?

The shadowy blue figure has wings suspiciously like Raziel's, before they were broken.

Lupa: That's just Devil, Kain. Don't mind him. He followed me home.

Raziel: *looking slightly jealous* That's one hell of a puppy, Lupa…

Lupa: Can I keep him? Huh, Raz?

Raziel: It's Vladimir's house. He'll have to decide. But he's not sleeping in my room.

Kain leans down, picks up the box from Moebius's limp hands.

Lupa: Hey, I wouldn't mess with that - you heard the old freak -

Kain: I'm not going to mess with it.

Lupa: Good.

Kain: I'm going to give it to Vladimir so he can mess with it.

Lupa: Why I oughta -

She sets off in pursuit of Kain as he flees, giggling, back towards the Time-Streaming Device.

THE END

Aww. Is it over already? ^_^ I'm serious about that "Aragorn and Legolas Get Terribly Warm" thing, by the way - me and The Deville's Dog have some plans for much Tolkein-based silliness and good-natured smut…*grins* You know, "Carry On up the Fellowship" or possibly, "National Elf Service" - that kinda high-brow stuff…

Also, a plea - anyone know how I can get hold of one of those Blue Box Raziel figures? *sulks* I want one but can't seem to be able to find one. I'm probably just being incompetent. If you can help email me and let me know!

Thanks for reading! Please review!