Just a story I wrote in my spare time, completely random and unthought-out.
Narrator: The earth is changed. I feel it in the water. I feel it in the air. I smell it in the earth. Much that once was, is lost, for someone forgot about it. (flash flashy title) A long time ago, the bad guy made a bad thing, and good guys made good things. The good things weren't good enough. But the bad guy lost his bad thing, and a good guy was made into a bad guy. But then he was made into a dead guy, and the bad thing was lost. It was found ages later by another bad guy, and the bad guy forgot everything and lived under a mountain. Then a good guy found the bad thing, and he took it to his good place. Then, a while later, the good place was invaded by a wizard.
(fade in fadey music) A young hobbity man is hiding from everything reading a stupid book. He hears singing. He tries to run away from the terrible noise, but instead of having brains he has blue eyes as big as saucers so he runs towards the noise. He does not realize his mistake until he rounds a small hill, and underneath is a cart with a horse in front of it, wheels under it, and bundles in the back. (Oh yeah, and a guy driving.)
"You're late," the twerp said, for a loss of what else to say.
The wizard jumped. "Harumph! A wizard is never late, Dumbo Babbling!"
"Frodo Baggins, I think," corrected the pale freak.
"Harumph! Get on, we're going to see Bilbo."
Frodo jumps on the cart, but misses and falls off the other side. Gandalf grabs him by the shirt and sits him on the seat.
"How is the old geezer these days? I hear his birthday is going to be something magnificent! Harumph!"
"How I wish," said Frodo. "He just rambles on about his book, and how many presents he's going to get. He's only inviting people for the presents. Including me."
"Harumph! How lovely!" The wizard had heard not a word the hobbit had said, but instead was thinking of his hat.
"I was abducted by space aliens yesterday!" said Frodo changing the subject.
"Harumph!"
"And I made a cake, and I made a plaster mold of my head," he is counting on his fingers.
"Harumph!"
"And I made a hit list, and you're on it, and..." He babbles on until Gandalf shoves him out of the cart and rushes off as fast as the horse can go.
"You're it!" shouted Frodo. "I tagged you!" He shrugs and goes skipping off.
Gandalf pulls up to Bag End. He bangs on the door with his head, since he says 'harumph' instead of using his brain.
"Open up, in the name of the law!" he shouted kicking the stone bench.
"Gandalf! You again?" shouts Bilbo, wrenching open the door. "How many times do I have to tell you to stay away from me? You just can't sneeze at a restraining order, you know!"
"Hahaha, always the joker!" laughed the wizard. "Harumph, now, what about lunch?"
"No!" shrieked Bilbo, shoving him out the door, or trying to. Frodo popped his head in. "Hello, unble Bilco!" he cried. "What'cha doin'?"
Bilbo succeeded only in falling onto the floor, while the wizard flew into the kitchen and started raiding the pantry. "Harumph! Well, we've cold chicken, liver pie, apple tart, butter scones, oh wait! You're all out! Well, cheese, eggs all kinds of things...Bilbo? Bilbo?" he looked around consternatedly.
Bilbo, with a bloodcurdling yell swings over on the chandlier and kicks the wizard in the head with a rather large foot. The wizard's eyes glazed, and a delightfully oblivious expression overshadowed his face. With a barely audible yet surprized 'harumph' he slumped to the floor.
"You killed him!" said Frodo.
"Yes, my lad, I did. And now I've got to leave. One can't kill even a wizard nowadays without someone getting riled up." So saying, he grabbed a few random things and flew out the door. Frodo just stood there, staring with a huge grin on his face. His line of sight went from the wizard to the door, over and over again.
Meanwhile, a fellow named Sam, who had but one talent in life, which was being useless, burst in the door. "I heard some yelling an hour or two ago!" he shouted. "What was it?" Frodo grinned at him, and looked from him to the wizard and back again, over and over. Sam just stared from Frodo's face to the pie on the table, back and forth.
Meanwhile, another dim-witted fellow, this time named Merry, was up in a tree waiting for someone to come along the road to throw an apple at. Unfortunately, folks saw his bright yellow vest from miles away and steered clear. Also he was facing away from the road. He giggled expectantly. Another fellow came to the bottom of the tree and shook his head sadly.
"Merry," he called, "When will you ever learn?"
"Aww, Pip," said Merry, tumbling out of the tree. "It was just a bit of fun! Harvey made me do it!"
"Merry, please. Enough with Harvey. You know perfectly well that there are no six foot tall, purple polka dotted invisible rabbits running around."
"Don't say that in front of Harvey! You'll hurt his feelings!" He stood on his very tip-toes and "fed" a bite of apple to his invisible friend. Pippin twiched slightly. "Come, Merry. We are going to visit Frodo. It's Bilbo's birthday, after all."
"Goody!" shrieked Merry. "I'll give him an apple!" he showed Pippin the slimy, half eated brown apple. "I only dropped it once!"
Pippin closed his eyes for a moment. It was hard, sometimes. He often thought with despair that he might be the only person in the world with any brains, instead of just the whole shire.
Arriving at Bag End several hours later, (Harvey kept wanting to look at the flowers) they saw that the door was wide open.
"I wonder," muttered Pippin. They peered in the door. They saw the backs of two hobbits as they looked from one another, a grandfather clock, a pie, a grey lump on the floor, and other various objects. "What are you doing, and why wasn't I invited?" wailed Merry.
Frodo grinned. "Look at what buncle Wilbo got!" he said pointing to the wizard on the floor. "I'm gonna have him stuffed and mounted on the door!"
"Cool!" yelled Merry and Sam. Pippin walked up to Gandalf.
"I'm afraid you can't stuff him, Frodo." The other hobbits gave him angry looks. "Now look!" shouted Sam. "You made Frodo cry, you party pooper! You wet blanket! Bad bad bad bad!"
"What I was saying," continued Pippin, "You can't stuff him because he isn't dead!"
"I could feed him a really big lunch," sobbed Frodo, who was very very sad.
Gandalf sat up. "Harumph! Did someone say lunch?"
"WAZZAAP!" shouted Merry. Pippin looked at him strangely. "Harvey said to say it."
"Ooh, is Harvey here? Would he like some cheese?" Sam picked some up off the floor.
"No! He's a rabbit." frowned Merry. "Pie, then?" said Frodo, wiping his eyes. "No. Well, wait a minute." Merry seemed to be listening to someone. "He says he gives the whole pie to me!" and with that, he grabbed the pie and ran out the door, yelling "Come on, Harvey!".
"Harvey sure is selfish," sobbed Frodo, beginning to cry again. "Inkle Philbo wanted that pie for dinner!"
Gandalf got up and smacked Frodo upside the head. "Your uncle has gone away! And he left you Bag End, and all of his junk."
Frodo looked up and grinned. His eyes as big as dinner plates widened even more. "Really?" he said eagerly.
"Frodo, don't do that with your eyes, please." said Pippin.
"I daresay that the old dude left you that darned ring, too. Harumph. Don't use it! It's a very bad thing, made by bad guys. And it'll eat you, if you don't do as I say," said the wizard, shaking his finger sternly at the hobbit. "Now I've got to go see an obviously bad dude for no apparent reason. Tata!" And with that, the wizard stuffed all the food in the hole into his bag and ran off. He jumped into the cart, but unfortunately all the wheels fell off.
"Harvey made me do it!" wailed Merry as Gandalf chased him up a hill.
Sam and Frodo just stood there grinning. Pippin waved his hand in front of their faces.
"I sure hope Ganflad brings us lunch," said Frodo. "Don't you, Phlbblamma?"
"Sure," said Sam grinning fit to burst. Pippin left, to help Merry out of the well where Gandalf had thrown him.
Gandalf had unhitched the horse from the cart, and was galloping as far away from the shire as he possibly could. On the way, he saw fire, and paper, and mountains. He came to somewhere, and he took his hat off. Saruman started yelling at him.
"Gandalf!" he screamed. "I told you to bring Harvey! I see no Harvey! I desire his counsel for the dark days ahead!"
"Harumph, relax!" said Gandalf. "I figured that no stupid six foot tall polka dotted rabbit could be as smart as me, so Here I am!"
Saruman twiched his evil hands. Then he smiled weakly. "Let's take a walk, pal," he said.
So that, while walking in the garden, with Gandalf babbling on and on about how wise he was, why, even ousting that silly Bilbo out of his hole, and warning Frodo of how the ring was going to eat him, that was when Saruman decided to be evil.
"Ha!" shouted Saruman, turning to Gandalf, "I bet your pitiful little white council never thought to do this!" And with that, with the speed of a striking snake, from under his robes he produced some duct tape, taped Gandalf's mouth shut, also produced a board, which he set up like a see saw. He slammed Gandalf on one side of it, and jumped on the other, sending the other wizard high up into the air. He landed on top of the tower, and Saruman laughed in glee.
Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin, however, still in the shire, were celebrating. Something. I dunno. At the Green Dragon Inn. Merry was dancing on a table, with Harvey. (Or so he said.) All the other hobbits were cheering him on. With a final flourish, Merry jumped into Harveys' arms, but in doing so fell off the table. He gave the invisible rabbit a dirty look as he picked himself up off the floor. Pippin just shook his head and sipped his pint.
Frodo stood there grinning, holding an armfull of full mugs. Staring at the wall. Blinking. And gurgling. Gross.
A violent storm suddenly burst open all the windows and the door, and cows and chickens and cheese were flying everywhere.
"I'll save you, Harvey!" shouted Merry. Pippin grabbed Merry, Sam and Frodo and ushered them to Bag End.
"Well!" said Sam. "That was unusual!" He grinned at Pippin. "You got any pies?"
"No! This isn't my house!" said Pippin.
Sam's grin faded. "Are you going to eat us?" he said worriedly.
Frodo started crying. Then he hiccuped. "I just remembered. I got a letter from finkle Bimbo. He wants his ring back." He waved the letter in all their faces. It was addressed from Rivendell. "Wanna go with me?"
"Ooh, an adventure!" said Sam, his grin returning. He and Frodo stared at each other, and then the letter, over and over and back and forth.
"Harvey and I would love to come!" said Merry. The three looked at Pippin.
"You can come too," said Frodo, "I don't know what use you'll be, though." He grinned stupidly. "Oh, I'll come alright," growled Pippin.
So the four set out. They went through a cornfield, and nearly got trampled by a scarecrow. In running from it, they fell off of a hill onto the road.
"I think you should get off of me," said Frodo. The three ignored him and started bouncing up and down.
"Get--off--of--me!" stuttered Frodo. He looked down the road and saw some big scary shapes.
"EEEKK!!" he screamed, and started to cry. Sam stomped down the road.
"Now look what you've done! You've made Mr. Frodo cry!" he shook his finger vigorously. "Bad bad bad bad!" The dark shapes hung their dark heads and slunk darkly away. The hobbits (minus Pippin, who just slunk behind) skipped along singing one of Gandalfs favorite songs.
"Harumph harumph harumph
harumph
Harumph harumph harumph
harumph
harumph harumph
harumph harumph harumph
harumph harumph harumph harumph
harumph harumph harumph harumph harumph
harumph harumph harumph harumph
harumph harumph harumph
harumph harumph
harumph
ha-
rum-
ph"
"Haaaaaaruuuuumph!" shouted Sam in way of a solo. The three giggled.
"Harvey says we should sing it again!" shouted Merry.
"Harumph harumph harumph..." they began, but soon noticed that it was dark.
"Nooo!" shouted Frodo. "Hinkle Fumbo will miss us!" And began crying.
The bad shapes started chasing them, and the hobbits jumped on a raft. The bad dark thing fell into the water.
"Harvey says that the rest of the bad shapes won't cross, except for the Brandywine bridge, which is twenty miles." said Merry.
"Really?" sniffed Frodo. Sam grinned at him. Frodo grinned back. "Thanks, Moofy."
Pippin moored the boat and helped the others get off. "My pants are wet!" shouted Sam. He shook his finger at Pippin. "Bad bad bad bad!"
Pippin ignored him, and they slogged to the town of Bree. They knocked on the door.
"Let me handle this," said Pippin. A head answered them.
"Goobly goo!" it said. "Hobbits, are that you?"
"Yes!" said Pippin. "Please let us in, we are cold and wet and we need shelter!"
"Hmm, I see," said the head. It opened the door, revealing that it had a body. "Welcome to Bree!"
Frodo grinned up at the man. "Is it free?"
Sam grinned at the man. "Dum diddley dee?"
Merry grinned. "Harvey says 'I like pumpkin tree' and I say 'be all that you can be!'"
Pippin glowered. "And I say come with me!" He grabbed his companions and dragged them through the streets till he came to the cleanest place he could find. It was the Prancing Pony.
"Ooh, a pony!" squealed Merry, Frodo and Sam pointing at the sign until Pippin dragged them inside.
At the desk, Pippin cleared his throat. A balding head appeared.
"Hello!" it said.
"Can I ride the pony?" said Frodo.
"We need rooms," said Pippin.
"Can I have your rug?" said Sam.
"And dinner," continued Pippin.
"Harvey likes your toupŽ," said Merry.
"And a muzzle," muttered Pippin.
Barliman grinned. Frodo grinned. Sam grinned. Merry said that Harvey grinned. Pippin grimaced.
"I like you, Balfigmab Bublmlapp," said Frodo. "And I like the Praline Ponytail. Can I have it?"
"You can have a seat!" said Barliman. "Wow, thanks!" gushed Frodo.
Seated, drinking pints and eating cheese, Frodo was looking at his ring.
"Harvey says that man's been staring at you all night, Frodo," said Merry.
Frodo turned around and grinned. The man threw some cheese at him. Frodo grinned and caught it in his mouth and grinned wider.
"Do it again!" he said. But he flinched as the man threw a stool at him, and the ring slipped onto his finger. Lound sounds and scary lights flashed. He started to cry. Then a scary voice started saying "B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O, AND BINGO WAS HIS NAME-O!". Frodo screamed and jerked the ring off. He was under a table. He took a deep breath to scream again, this time at the top of his lungs when a hand grabbed him by the throat. The man snarled at him and threw him up the stairs.
Frodo wimpered. "Shut up," said the man. "Who are you, I want my Haaaammmmmyyyy!!!" screamed Frodo. The man attempted to shut him up by putting fire out with his fingers, but only succeeded in burning himself.
Three hobbits burst into the room. Merry with a candlestick, (aided by Harvey, of course. It was heavy.) Pippin with a barstool, and Sam in front armed only with his finger, shaking it and yelling "Bad bad bad bad!"
The incorrigible bad dark guys attacked the wrong inn at this point. The man, who is called Strider, finds out their destination. Probably from Frodo's inane babble. Inane, completely inane. Against Pippins' better judgement, the next morning they went off with Strider to Rivendell, who said he knew the way.
That night, passing through a bog, Strider killed a deer.
"You killed a deer!" shouted Sam. "You didn't even have a license! Bad bad bad bad!"
"Harvey doesn't like you killing innocent wildlife!" Merry shouted.
Frodo was confused at all this yelling and began to cry. Pippin buried his head deeper in his arms and shuddered.
When they were all asleep, except for Strider Frodo Merry Pippin Sam and Harvey, Strider started singing.
"Twinkle twinkle little star
how I wonder what you are.
Up above the world so high
Like a diamond in the sky.
Twinkle twinkle little star
how I wonder what you are."
Giggles came from three sleeping bags. And then came a rousing chorus of
"Harumph harumph harumph harumph harumph harumph harumph harumph harumph!!!" More giggles.
Strider jumped up and screamed.
"It's ok, Struamper," said Frodo. "It's just us!" A pitiful wail came from Pippin's bag.
They made their way to Weathertop, where Strider threw some swords at them, and left them alone.
"Oooh! Pretty swords! Can I have yours, Marogoffap?"
"Harvey didn't get a sword!" whined Merry. "What about Harvey?" But Strider had already ran off, still screaming. Frodo dressed his sword up in his hankercheif, sang to it, and finally rocked it and himself to sleep. Pippin nodded off, dreaming about calculus. When he awoke, he found that Merry Sam and Frodo (and Harvey) had started a fire and set the place alight.
"What have you done?!" shouted Pippin. He grabbed Frodo and proceeded to smother the blaze. But a scream pierced the air. "Has Strider come back with Harvey's sword?" said Merry.
But Pippin knew better. What was down there were the big, black, bad things, returned from wherever. "Run!" he shouted, brandishing his sword. They ran, except Frodo, who just stood there staring and grinning. Pippin grabbed him and yanked him up the stairs. They stood there, whirling around. Pippin, who watched anxiously for danger, Merry, who was looking for Harvey who seemed to have chickened out, Sam who was looking for lunch, even though it was dinnertime, and Frodo who just spun, grinned and sang a little lalala song.
"La la la
lalala la la
la la la al al al, oops,
la la la lala."
Then, the things burst through the wall. They had sticks, and they whacked Frodo, hard, on the shoulder. He started to cry.
Sam jumped in the face of one of them and shook his finger. "You made Mr. Frodo cry! Bad bad bad bad!" The black things hung their dark heads and walked sadly away. Just then, Strider jumped in and started whacking things and setting things on fire. The black things ran away, sobbing fit to burst. Strider waved his arms around and did a funny victory dance. Frodo didn't giggle. He didn't even grin. He didn't even stop crying. Instead he cried louder. Sam was massaging his shoulder, like he thought he should. But that didn't help, so Sam started to cry too. Merry couldn't find Harvey, so he cried. Strider cried, because he discovered in chasing the bad guys that he broke a nail. Pippin cried because he was so smart it made everyone else look stupid.
"WAH!" cried Strider. "I've gotta get to Rivendell so Elrond can fix my nail!" He started to run off without the hobbits, but suddenly turned around and did a double backflip. He waved his arms and grinned at the sobbing hobbits. A sword appeared at his neck and his grin disappeared.
"You never said how you liked the new dŽcor, pal," said a decidedly feminine voice. Strider turned around. "Oh, uh, Arwen! Sphoomie Punkin' Poo! I didn't expect you!" But Arwen heard the sobbing and walked around him to look. She saw the most adorable little creatures imaginable. (And Frodo and Sam and Merry.) "OOOOHHH!!" she squealed, swooping Pippin up. "Isn't he DARRRRLING?" And she jumped onto her horse and carried the hobbit off.
Pippin squirmed and wiggled, trying to tell her that Frodo was hurt and he needed elvish HEALING, but Arwen just snuggled him closer and ruffled his hair. "Koochie koochie kooooooooooowWAAAIIEEEEEEKKKKKKK!!" For the black things had come back, and were chasing them. Arwen let go the reins and covered her eyes. Pippin grabbed the reins and skillfully avoided the black things. They were across a ford. "Can I look?" said Arwen. Pippin waved his sword at the black things and they ran off. Then Arwen hugged him, but the hobbit fainted from the weight of his brains and collapsed and fell onto the ground and got dirty. Arwen, who was deathly afraid of dirt, ran off screaming.
Frodo woke up in a bed. Even he thought this odd, since he had fallen asleep on the ground. He immedeately stopped thinking rationally and started playing with his toes, and singing a little lally trally tune.
"Lally trally bally
fally gally dally oally
hally ally wally qually
nally mally rally pally cally
kally vally..."
"SHUT UP!" came a voice close at his side. Frodo started to cry. Sam ran in shaking his finger. "You made Mr. Frodo cry! Bad bad bad bad!"
"You shut up too, Samwise Gamgee!" said Gandalf. Elrond came in, and did some wierd things with his eyebrows. Frodo laughed. "Funny funny! Can I have them?" Elrond backed off, his eyes growing wide. "It's awake! Nooo!" and with a flurry of robes, he ran screaming. Merry and Pippin came in. "Harvey's glad you're awake!" said Merry, showering Frodo with half chewed apple. Pippin rolled his eyes. "Boy, it's a good thing I was here, or you wouldn't have survived Elrond's welcome! I mean, a parade maybe, but a firing squad and ticker tape is a bit much."
Frodo grinned at Sam. Sam grinned at Frodo. Frodo waved his foot in front of Gandalf's face and the wizard grabbed it and flipped the hobbit out of bed. Frodo started to cry. Sam shook his finger furiously in Merry's face, since he was turned in the wrong direction. An elf entered the room. He looked around at every one and pouted. "Elrond wants a council," he whined. "I wanted a council but Eeeeelrond gets it. It's not FAIIIIRRR!!" He stomped his foot. "He wants you to be at the coooouncil," he points at the hobbits and Gandalf, which were all that was in the room except him. Frodo grinned at him. "My name's Froppooddo, what's yours?"
Gandalf grabbed them all by the ears (he is a wizard after all) and runs to the council room. Elrond gurgles with pleasure. Strider, who was really Aragorn was there, and Legolas, and Boromir, and Gimli. (I won't waste time with boring introductions and stuff, you know who you're reading about.)
"Who wants to go?" said Elrond crossing his eyes, arms and legs. Gandalf jumped up, and completely misunderstood him. "Ooh, me me me! I want to leave!"
Everyone except Frodo Sam Merry and Elrond (and Harvey) jumped up and heartily agreed with him.
"This place is awful!" said Legolas.
"It smells of elves!" said Gimli looking around disdainfully.
"Can I have the ring?" said Boromir. Frodo looked at him and grinned. He thought that he would like this man.
"Ok, here's who's going to Mordor," said Elrond, standing on his head, which he did with all of his hard thinking. "Frodo, since he's got the ring, Gandalf, 'cause he's a wizard and 'cause he insulted me, Sam Merry and Pippin 'cause they're short, and Boromir Legolas and Gimli 'cause they are the only other people here." He fell over and got up.
"Hey!" shouted the elf. "That is SOOOOO not FAIIIIRRR!!"
"Nine companions," said Elrond, going all googly eyed.
"Ten!" shouted Merry. "Don't forget Harvey!"
"Ten companions," said Elrond, grinning and going all googly eyed, twirling a hula hoop. "And you shall be, doomed! Doomed! DOOOOOOOOOOMED!!! WAHAHAHAHA!!!"
Pippin swallowed. Hard. Elrond was now dancing on his chair. The chair flipped over and he was cast over and behind a bush. The companions fled before he could get up. Except Frodo, Sam and Merry. They just sat there grinning. At a bush. Gandalf grabbed them all by the ears and they ran off, followed by Elrond screaming "LOOOOOSERRRRS!!
"Hey, Galfnad?" said Frodo. "Where are we going?"
"Harumph!" said the wizard. "We're going to Mordor, to destroy that ring your uncle gave you."
Frodo thought for a bit. "Which uncle?"
Gandalf gritted his teeth and rolled his eyes. "Your uncle Bilbo."
"Ohhhh," said Frodo. Then a moment later, "We're going to destroy unlce Dimbo's ring, we're going to destroy ankle Philbin's ring, wait a minute! Pinkle Ulbo WANTED THAT RING! I FORGOT TO GIVE IT TO HIM!" He struggled in Gandalf's arms. "We've got to go back!" He burst out sobbing.
"Harumph! Don't be silly. The ring is very bad. Didn't I tell you that it would eat you?"
Frodo sniffed. "Bad, like Flam says?"
"Yes," said Gandalf. "Like Sam says: Bad bad bad bad! Harumph, I don't know how I can live through this, mumble mumble grump harumph!"
Sam wiggled and woke up. "Did I hear crying a moment or two ago?"
Gandalf dropped all the hobbits and stalked to the head of the company.
Frodo began to cry. Sam cried. Then, when the company ignored them, they got up to totter after them.
"Come on Marfie," sobbed Frodo. But Merry didn't move. Frodo kicked him. Nothing. Frodo let out a wail and sat down again. Pippin noticed from afar that something was wrong and he made the company come back.
"Now what?" grumped Strider.
"Merry won't get up!" sobbed Sam.
They all tried in vain for a while to get Merry up. Then Pippin noticed a rock very close by, and deduced logically that the hobbit must have hit his head against it and so was knocked unconcious. He dumped some water on the prostrate form, and it got up spluttering. "Yay!" shouted Frodo, grinning at Sam. Sam grinned back.
"Where am I? What happened?" said Merry.
"You got knocked cantaloupe!" said Sam.
"Oh!" said Merry. "Is that all? Well, come on Merry! We've got a ways to go before dark." He put his arm around nothing and started walking off.
Frodo didn't like this. He started to cry. "That's not Marpie! You're Pmalrie!"
"Don't be silly! I'm Harvey!"
"Oh no," chorused the sane members of the fellowship. (Well, partly sane anyway. You'll see.)
Legolas flipped his hair back. "Who, may I ask, is Harvey?"
"I am Harvey!" said Harvey/Merry. "And this is my friend Merry!" He gestured to nothing. "Oh there you are, Marhspie!" said Frodo, grinning.
Gandalf rolled his eyes, and with an exsasperated yet eternally hounded 'harumph' whacked Harvey/Merry on the head with his staff. He collapsed. Everyone cheered. Frodo started to cry. "That sure was mean, Gaflandap!"
They walked on, dragging the three senseless hobbits.
"I will never understand mortals," said Legolas flipping his hair. It caught the sunlight, and shone. "Ooh," said Frodo. "Pretty pretty!" He grabbed the hair. "EEAAIIIEEEE!!" shrieked the elf. "GET HIS FILTHY HANDS OFF MY HAIR!!" He swung the hobbit around and around, until finally he was launched off. Legolas started to run after him, drawing his knife as he ran.
"Harumph! Take it easy." said Gandalf. "You can't kill him. I had first dibs!" Sam started to cry. "You can't kill Mr. Frodo! Bad bad bad bad!" He shook his finger, but blinded by tears, he shook it at Legolas. The elf grabbed it and tossed the hobbit behind him.
Frodo squealed. "Pallfam! You're flying! Teach me teach me!" Gandalf rolled his eyes. Pippin choked back a sob.
Narrator: The earth is changed. I feel it in the water. I feel it in the air. I smell it in the earth. Much that once was, is lost, for someone forgot about it. (flash flashy title) A long time ago, the bad guy made a bad thing, and good guys made good things. The good things weren't good enough. But the bad guy lost his bad thing, and a good guy was made into a bad guy. But then he was made into a dead guy, and the bad thing was lost. It was found ages later by another bad guy, and the bad guy forgot everything and lived under a mountain. Then a good guy found the bad thing, and he took it to his good place. Then, a while later, the good place was invaded by a wizard.
(fade in fadey music) A young hobbity man is hiding from everything reading a stupid book. He hears singing. He tries to run away from the terrible noise, but instead of having brains he has blue eyes as big as saucers so he runs towards the noise. He does not realize his mistake until he rounds a small hill, and underneath is a cart with a horse in front of it, wheels under it, and bundles in the back. (Oh yeah, and a guy driving.)
"You're late," the twerp said, for a loss of what else to say.
The wizard jumped. "Harumph! A wizard is never late, Dumbo Babbling!"
"Frodo Baggins, I think," corrected the pale freak.
"Harumph! Get on, we're going to see Bilbo."
Frodo jumps on the cart, but misses and falls off the other side. Gandalf grabs him by the shirt and sits him on the seat.
"How is the old geezer these days? I hear his birthday is going to be something magnificent! Harumph!"
"How I wish," said Frodo. "He just rambles on about his book, and how many presents he's going to get. He's only inviting people for the presents. Including me."
"Harumph! How lovely!" The wizard had heard not a word the hobbit had said, but instead was thinking of his hat.
"I was abducted by space aliens yesterday!" said Frodo changing the subject.
"Harumph!"
"And I made a cake, and I made a plaster mold of my head," he is counting on his fingers.
"Harumph!"
"And I made a hit list, and you're on it, and..." He babbles on until Gandalf shoves him out of the cart and rushes off as fast as the horse can go.
"You're it!" shouted Frodo. "I tagged you!" He shrugs and goes skipping off.
Gandalf pulls up to Bag End. He bangs on the door with his head, since he says 'harumph' instead of using his brain.
"Open up, in the name of the law!" he shouted kicking the stone bench.
"Gandalf! You again?" shouts Bilbo, wrenching open the door. "How many times do I have to tell you to stay away from me? You just can't sneeze at a restraining order, you know!"
"Hahaha, always the joker!" laughed the wizard. "Harumph, now, what about lunch?"
"No!" shrieked Bilbo, shoving him out the door, or trying to. Frodo popped his head in. "Hello, unble Bilco!" he cried. "What'cha doin'?"
Bilbo succeeded only in falling onto the floor, while the wizard flew into the kitchen and started raiding the pantry. "Harumph! Well, we've cold chicken, liver pie, apple tart, butter scones, oh wait! You're all out! Well, cheese, eggs all kinds of things...Bilbo? Bilbo?" he looked around consternatedly.
Bilbo, with a bloodcurdling yell swings over on the chandlier and kicks the wizard in the head with a rather large foot. The wizard's eyes glazed, and a delightfully oblivious expression overshadowed his face. With a barely audible yet surprized 'harumph' he slumped to the floor.
"You killed him!" said Frodo.
"Yes, my lad, I did. And now I've got to leave. One can't kill even a wizard nowadays without someone getting riled up." So saying, he grabbed a few random things and flew out the door. Frodo just stood there, staring with a huge grin on his face. His line of sight went from the wizard to the door, over and over again.
Meanwhile, a fellow named Sam, who had but one talent in life, which was being useless, burst in the door. "I heard some yelling an hour or two ago!" he shouted. "What was it?" Frodo grinned at him, and looked from him to the wizard and back again, over and over. Sam just stared from Frodo's face to the pie on the table, back and forth.
Meanwhile, another dim-witted fellow, this time named Merry, was up in a tree waiting for someone to come along the road to throw an apple at. Unfortunately, folks saw his bright yellow vest from miles away and steered clear. Also he was facing away from the road. He giggled expectantly. Another fellow came to the bottom of the tree and shook his head sadly.
"Merry," he called, "When will you ever learn?"
"Aww, Pip," said Merry, tumbling out of the tree. "It was just a bit of fun! Harvey made me do it!"
"Merry, please. Enough with Harvey. You know perfectly well that there are no six foot tall, purple polka dotted invisible rabbits running around."
"Don't say that in front of Harvey! You'll hurt his feelings!" He stood on his very tip-toes and "fed" a bite of apple to his invisible friend. Pippin twiched slightly. "Come, Merry. We are going to visit Frodo. It's Bilbo's birthday, after all."
"Goody!" shrieked Merry. "I'll give him an apple!" he showed Pippin the slimy, half eated brown apple. "I only dropped it once!"
Pippin closed his eyes for a moment. It was hard, sometimes. He often thought with despair that he might be the only person in the world with any brains, instead of just the whole shire.
Arriving at Bag End several hours later, (Harvey kept wanting to look at the flowers) they saw that the door was wide open.
"I wonder," muttered Pippin. They peered in the door. They saw the backs of two hobbits as they looked from one another, a grandfather clock, a pie, a grey lump on the floor, and other various objects. "What are you doing, and why wasn't I invited?" wailed Merry.
Frodo grinned. "Look at what buncle Wilbo got!" he said pointing to the wizard on the floor. "I'm gonna have him stuffed and mounted on the door!"
"Cool!" yelled Merry and Sam. Pippin walked up to Gandalf.
"I'm afraid you can't stuff him, Frodo." The other hobbits gave him angry looks. "Now look!" shouted Sam. "You made Frodo cry, you party pooper! You wet blanket! Bad bad bad bad!"
"What I was saying," continued Pippin, "You can't stuff him because he isn't dead!"
"I could feed him a really big lunch," sobbed Frodo, who was very very sad.
Gandalf sat up. "Harumph! Did someone say lunch?"
"WAZZAAP!" shouted Merry. Pippin looked at him strangely. "Harvey said to say it."
"Ooh, is Harvey here? Would he like some cheese?" Sam picked some up off the floor.
"No! He's a rabbit." frowned Merry. "Pie, then?" said Frodo, wiping his eyes. "No. Well, wait a minute." Merry seemed to be listening to someone. "He says he gives the whole pie to me!" and with that, he grabbed the pie and ran out the door, yelling "Come on, Harvey!".
"Harvey sure is selfish," sobbed Frodo, beginning to cry again. "Inkle Philbo wanted that pie for dinner!"
Gandalf got up and smacked Frodo upside the head. "Your uncle has gone away! And he left you Bag End, and all of his junk."
Frodo looked up and grinned. His eyes as big as dinner plates widened even more. "Really?" he said eagerly.
"Frodo, don't do that with your eyes, please." said Pippin.
"I daresay that the old dude left you that darned ring, too. Harumph. Don't use it! It's a very bad thing, made by bad guys. And it'll eat you, if you don't do as I say," said the wizard, shaking his finger sternly at the hobbit. "Now I've got to go see an obviously bad dude for no apparent reason. Tata!" And with that, the wizard stuffed all the food in the hole into his bag and ran off. He jumped into the cart, but unfortunately all the wheels fell off.
"Harvey made me do it!" wailed Merry as Gandalf chased him up a hill.
Sam and Frodo just stood there grinning. Pippin waved his hand in front of their faces.
"I sure hope Ganflad brings us lunch," said Frodo. "Don't you, Phlbblamma?"
"Sure," said Sam grinning fit to burst. Pippin left, to help Merry out of the well where Gandalf had thrown him.
Gandalf had unhitched the horse from the cart, and was galloping as far away from the shire as he possibly could. On the way, he saw fire, and paper, and mountains. He came to somewhere, and he took his hat off. Saruman started yelling at him.
"Gandalf!" he screamed. "I told you to bring Harvey! I see no Harvey! I desire his counsel for the dark days ahead!"
"Harumph, relax!" said Gandalf. "I figured that no stupid six foot tall polka dotted rabbit could be as smart as me, so Here I am!"
Saruman twiched his evil hands. Then he smiled weakly. "Let's take a walk, pal," he said.
So that, while walking in the garden, with Gandalf babbling on and on about how wise he was, why, even ousting that silly Bilbo out of his hole, and warning Frodo of how the ring was going to eat him, that was when Saruman decided to be evil.
"Ha!" shouted Saruman, turning to Gandalf, "I bet your pitiful little white council never thought to do this!" And with that, with the speed of a striking snake, from under his robes he produced some duct tape, taped Gandalf's mouth shut, also produced a board, which he set up like a see saw. He slammed Gandalf on one side of it, and jumped on the other, sending the other wizard high up into the air. He landed on top of the tower, and Saruman laughed in glee.
Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin, however, still in the shire, were celebrating. Something. I dunno. At the Green Dragon Inn. Merry was dancing on a table, with Harvey. (Or so he said.) All the other hobbits were cheering him on. With a final flourish, Merry jumped into Harveys' arms, but in doing so fell off the table. He gave the invisible rabbit a dirty look as he picked himself up off the floor. Pippin just shook his head and sipped his pint.
Frodo stood there grinning, holding an armfull of full mugs. Staring at the wall. Blinking. And gurgling. Gross.
A violent storm suddenly burst open all the windows and the door, and cows and chickens and cheese were flying everywhere.
"I'll save you, Harvey!" shouted Merry. Pippin grabbed Merry, Sam and Frodo and ushered them to Bag End.
"Well!" said Sam. "That was unusual!" He grinned at Pippin. "You got any pies?"
"No! This isn't my house!" said Pippin.
Sam's grin faded. "Are you going to eat us?" he said worriedly.
Frodo started crying. Then he hiccuped. "I just remembered. I got a letter from finkle Bimbo. He wants his ring back." He waved the letter in all their faces. It was addressed from Rivendell. "Wanna go with me?"
"Ooh, an adventure!" said Sam, his grin returning. He and Frodo stared at each other, and then the letter, over and over and back and forth.
"Harvey and I would love to come!" said Merry. The three looked at Pippin.
"You can come too," said Frodo, "I don't know what use you'll be, though." He grinned stupidly. "Oh, I'll come alright," growled Pippin.
So the four set out. They went through a cornfield, and nearly got trampled by a scarecrow. In running from it, they fell off of a hill onto the road.
"I think you should get off of me," said Frodo. The three ignored him and started bouncing up and down.
"Get--off--of--me!" stuttered Frodo. He looked down the road and saw some big scary shapes.
"EEEKK!!" he screamed, and started to cry. Sam stomped down the road.
"Now look what you've done! You've made Mr. Frodo cry!" he shook his finger vigorously. "Bad bad bad bad!" The dark shapes hung their dark heads and slunk darkly away. The hobbits (minus Pippin, who just slunk behind) skipped along singing one of Gandalfs favorite songs.
"Harumph harumph harumph
harumph
Harumph harumph harumph
harumph
harumph harumph
harumph harumph harumph
harumph harumph harumph harumph
harumph harumph harumph harumph harumph
harumph harumph harumph harumph
harumph harumph harumph
harumph harumph
harumph
ha-
rum-
ph"
"Haaaaaaruuuuumph!" shouted Sam in way of a solo. The three giggled.
"Harvey says we should sing it again!" shouted Merry.
"Harumph harumph harumph..." they began, but soon noticed that it was dark.
"Nooo!" shouted Frodo. "Hinkle Fumbo will miss us!" And began crying.
The bad shapes started chasing them, and the hobbits jumped on a raft. The bad dark thing fell into the water.
"Harvey says that the rest of the bad shapes won't cross, except for the Brandywine bridge, which is twenty miles." said Merry.
"Really?" sniffed Frodo. Sam grinned at him. Frodo grinned back. "Thanks, Moofy."
Pippin moored the boat and helped the others get off. "My pants are wet!" shouted Sam. He shook his finger at Pippin. "Bad bad bad bad!"
Pippin ignored him, and they slogged to the town of Bree. They knocked on the door.
"Let me handle this," said Pippin. A head answered them.
"Goobly goo!" it said. "Hobbits, are that you?"
"Yes!" said Pippin. "Please let us in, we are cold and wet and we need shelter!"
"Hmm, I see," said the head. It opened the door, revealing that it had a body. "Welcome to Bree!"
Frodo grinned up at the man. "Is it free?"
Sam grinned at the man. "Dum diddley dee?"
Merry grinned. "Harvey says 'I like pumpkin tree' and I say 'be all that you can be!'"
Pippin glowered. "And I say come with me!" He grabbed his companions and dragged them through the streets till he came to the cleanest place he could find. It was the Prancing Pony.
"Ooh, a pony!" squealed Merry, Frodo and Sam pointing at the sign until Pippin dragged them inside.
At the desk, Pippin cleared his throat. A balding head appeared.
"Hello!" it said.
"Can I ride the pony?" said Frodo.
"We need rooms," said Pippin.
"Can I have your rug?" said Sam.
"And dinner," continued Pippin.
"Harvey likes your toupŽ," said Merry.
"And a muzzle," muttered Pippin.
Barliman grinned. Frodo grinned. Sam grinned. Merry said that Harvey grinned. Pippin grimaced.
"I like you, Balfigmab Bublmlapp," said Frodo. "And I like the Praline Ponytail. Can I have it?"
"You can have a seat!" said Barliman. "Wow, thanks!" gushed Frodo.
Seated, drinking pints and eating cheese, Frodo was looking at his ring.
"Harvey says that man's been staring at you all night, Frodo," said Merry.
Frodo turned around and grinned. The man threw some cheese at him. Frodo grinned and caught it in his mouth and grinned wider.
"Do it again!" he said. But he flinched as the man threw a stool at him, and the ring slipped onto his finger. Lound sounds and scary lights flashed. He started to cry. Then a scary voice started saying "B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O, AND BINGO WAS HIS NAME-O!". Frodo screamed and jerked the ring off. He was under a table. He took a deep breath to scream again, this time at the top of his lungs when a hand grabbed him by the throat. The man snarled at him and threw him up the stairs.
Frodo wimpered. "Shut up," said the man. "Who are you, I want my Haaaammmmmyyyy!!!" screamed Frodo. The man attempted to shut him up by putting fire out with his fingers, but only succeeded in burning himself.
Three hobbits burst into the room. Merry with a candlestick, (aided by Harvey, of course. It was heavy.) Pippin with a barstool, and Sam in front armed only with his finger, shaking it and yelling "Bad bad bad bad!"
The incorrigible bad dark guys attacked the wrong inn at this point. The man, who is called Strider, finds out their destination. Probably from Frodo's inane babble. Inane, completely inane. Against Pippins' better judgement, the next morning they went off with Strider to Rivendell, who said he knew the way.
That night, passing through a bog, Strider killed a deer.
"You killed a deer!" shouted Sam. "You didn't even have a license! Bad bad bad bad!"
"Harvey doesn't like you killing innocent wildlife!" Merry shouted.
Frodo was confused at all this yelling and began to cry. Pippin buried his head deeper in his arms and shuddered.
When they were all asleep, except for Strider Frodo Merry Pippin Sam and Harvey, Strider started singing.
"Twinkle twinkle little star
how I wonder what you are.
Up above the world so high
Like a diamond in the sky.
Twinkle twinkle little star
how I wonder what you are."
Giggles came from three sleeping bags. And then came a rousing chorus of
"Harumph harumph harumph harumph harumph harumph harumph harumph harumph!!!" More giggles.
Strider jumped up and screamed.
"It's ok, Struamper," said Frodo. "It's just us!" A pitiful wail came from Pippin's bag.
They made their way to Weathertop, where Strider threw some swords at them, and left them alone.
"Oooh! Pretty swords! Can I have yours, Marogoffap?"
"Harvey didn't get a sword!" whined Merry. "What about Harvey?" But Strider had already ran off, still screaming. Frodo dressed his sword up in his hankercheif, sang to it, and finally rocked it and himself to sleep. Pippin nodded off, dreaming about calculus. When he awoke, he found that Merry Sam and Frodo (and Harvey) had started a fire and set the place alight.
"What have you done?!" shouted Pippin. He grabbed Frodo and proceeded to smother the blaze. But a scream pierced the air. "Has Strider come back with Harvey's sword?" said Merry.
But Pippin knew better. What was down there were the big, black, bad things, returned from wherever. "Run!" he shouted, brandishing his sword. They ran, except Frodo, who just stood there staring and grinning. Pippin grabbed him and yanked him up the stairs. They stood there, whirling around. Pippin, who watched anxiously for danger, Merry, who was looking for Harvey who seemed to have chickened out, Sam who was looking for lunch, even though it was dinnertime, and Frodo who just spun, grinned and sang a little lalala song.
"La la la
lalala la la
la la la al al al, oops,
la la la lala."
Then, the things burst through the wall. They had sticks, and they whacked Frodo, hard, on the shoulder. He started to cry.
Sam jumped in the face of one of them and shook his finger. "You made Mr. Frodo cry! Bad bad bad bad!" The black things hung their dark heads and walked sadly away. Just then, Strider jumped in and started whacking things and setting things on fire. The black things ran away, sobbing fit to burst. Strider waved his arms around and did a funny victory dance. Frodo didn't giggle. He didn't even grin. He didn't even stop crying. Instead he cried louder. Sam was massaging his shoulder, like he thought he should. But that didn't help, so Sam started to cry too. Merry couldn't find Harvey, so he cried. Strider cried, because he discovered in chasing the bad guys that he broke a nail. Pippin cried because he was so smart it made everyone else look stupid.
"WAH!" cried Strider. "I've gotta get to Rivendell so Elrond can fix my nail!" He started to run off without the hobbits, but suddenly turned around and did a double backflip. He waved his arms and grinned at the sobbing hobbits. A sword appeared at his neck and his grin disappeared.
"You never said how you liked the new dŽcor, pal," said a decidedly feminine voice. Strider turned around. "Oh, uh, Arwen! Sphoomie Punkin' Poo! I didn't expect you!" But Arwen heard the sobbing and walked around him to look. She saw the most adorable little creatures imaginable. (And Frodo and Sam and Merry.) "OOOOHHH!!" she squealed, swooping Pippin up. "Isn't he DARRRRLING?" And she jumped onto her horse and carried the hobbit off.
Pippin squirmed and wiggled, trying to tell her that Frodo was hurt and he needed elvish HEALING, but Arwen just snuggled him closer and ruffled his hair. "Koochie koochie kooooooooooowWAAAIIEEEEEEKKKKKKK!!" For the black things had come back, and were chasing them. Arwen let go the reins and covered her eyes. Pippin grabbed the reins and skillfully avoided the black things. They were across a ford. "Can I look?" said Arwen. Pippin waved his sword at the black things and they ran off. Then Arwen hugged him, but the hobbit fainted from the weight of his brains and collapsed and fell onto the ground and got dirty. Arwen, who was deathly afraid of dirt, ran off screaming.
Frodo woke up in a bed. Even he thought this odd, since he had fallen asleep on the ground. He immedeately stopped thinking rationally and started playing with his toes, and singing a little lally trally tune.
"Lally trally bally
fally gally dally oally
hally ally wally qually
nally mally rally pally cally
kally vally..."
"SHUT UP!" came a voice close at his side. Frodo started to cry. Sam ran in shaking his finger. "You made Mr. Frodo cry! Bad bad bad bad!"
"You shut up too, Samwise Gamgee!" said Gandalf. Elrond came in, and did some wierd things with his eyebrows. Frodo laughed. "Funny funny! Can I have them?" Elrond backed off, his eyes growing wide. "It's awake! Nooo!" and with a flurry of robes, he ran screaming. Merry and Pippin came in. "Harvey's glad you're awake!" said Merry, showering Frodo with half chewed apple. Pippin rolled his eyes. "Boy, it's a good thing I was here, or you wouldn't have survived Elrond's welcome! I mean, a parade maybe, but a firing squad and ticker tape is a bit much."
Frodo grinned at Sam. Sam grinned at Frodo. Frodo waved his foot in front of Gandalf's face and the wizard grabbed it and flipped the hobbit out of bed. Frodo started to cry. Sam shook his finger furiously in Merry's face, since he was turned in the wrong direction. An elf entered the room. He looked around at every one and pouted. "Elrond wants a council," he whined. "I wanted a council but Eeeeelrond gets it. It's not FAIIIIRRR!!" He stomped his foot. "He wants you to be at the coooouncil," he points at the hobbits and Gandalf, which were all that was in the room except him. Frodo grinned at him. "My name's Froppooddo, what's yours?"
Gandalf grabbed them all by the ears (he is a wizard after all) and runs to the council room. Elrond gurgles with pleasure. Strider, who was really Aragorn was there, and Legolas, and Boromir, and Gimli. (I won't waste time with boring introductions and stuff, you know who you're reading about.)
"Who wants to go?" said Elrond crossing his eyes, arms and legs. Gandalf jumped up, and completely misunderstood him. "Ooh, me me me! I want to leave!"
Everyone except Frodo Sam Merry and Elrond (and Harvey) jumped up and heartily agreed with him.
"This place is awful!" said Legolas.
"It smells of elves!" said Gimli looking around disdainfully.
"Can I have the ring?" said Boromir. Frodo looked at him and grinned. He thought that he would like this man.
"Ok, here's who's going to Mordor," said Elrond, standing on his head, which he did with all of his hard thinking. "Frodo, since he's got the ring, Gandalf, 'cause he's a wizard and 'cause he insulted me, Sam Merry and Pippin 'cause they're short, and Boromir Legolas and Gimli 'cause they are the only other people here." He fell over and got up.
"Hey!" shouted the elf. "That is SOOOOO not FAIIIIRRR!!"
"Nine companions," said Elrond, going all googly eyed.
"Ten!" shouted Merry. "Don't forget Harvey!"
"Ten companions," said Elrond, grinning and going all googly eyed, twirling a hula hoop. "And you shall be, doomed! Doomed! DOOOOOOOOOOMED!!! WAHAHAHAHA!!!"
Pippin swallowed. Hard. Elrond was now dancing on his chair. The chair flipped over and he was cast over and behind a bush. The companions fled before he could get up. Except Frodo, Sam and Merry. They just sat there grinning. At a bush. Gandalf grabbed them all by the ears and they ran off, followed by Elrond screaming "LOOOOOSERRRRS!!
"Hey, Galfnad?" said Frodo. "Where are we going?"
"Harumph!" said the wizard. "We're going to Mordor, to destroy that ring your uncle gave you."
Frodo thought for a bit. "Which uncle?"
Gandalf gritted his teeth and rolled his eyes. "Your uncle Bilbo."
"Ohhhh," said Frodo. Then a moment later, "We're going to destroy unlce Dimbo's ring, we're going to destroy ankle Philbin's ring, wait a minute! Pinkle Ulbo WANTED THAT RING! I FORGOT TO GIVE IT TO HIM!" He struggled in Gandalf's arms. "We've got to go back!" He burst out sobbing.
"Harumph! Don't be silly. The ring is very bad. Didn't I tell you that it would eat you?"
Frodo sniffed. "Bad, like Flam says?"
"Yes," said Gandalf. "Like Sam says: Bad bad bad bad! Harumph, I don't know how I can live through this, mumble mumble grump harumph!"
Sam wiggled and woke up. "Did I hear crying a moment or two ago?"
Gandalf dropped all the hobbits and stalked to the head of the company.
Frodo began to cry. Sam cried. Then, when the company ignored them, they got up to totter after them.
"Come on Marfie," sobbed Frodo. But Merry didn't move. Frodo kicked him. Nothing. Frodo let out a wail and sat down again. Pippin noticed from afar that something was wrong and he made the company come back.
"Now what?" grumped Strider.
"Merry won't get up!" sobbed Sam.
They all tried in vain for a while to get Merry up. Then Pippin noticed a rock very close by, and deduced logically that the hobbit must have hit his head against it and so was knocked unconcious. He dumped some water on the prostrate form, and it got up spluttering. "Yay!" shouted Frodo, grinning at Sam. Sam grinned back.
"Where am I? What happened?" said Merry.
"You got knocked cantaloupe!" said Sam.
"Oh!" said Merry. "Is that all? Well, come on Merry! We've got a ways to go before dark." He put his arm around nothing and started walking off.
Frodo didn't like this. He started to cry. "That's not Marpie! You're Pmalrie!"
"Don't be silly! I'm Harvey!"
"Oh no," chorused the sane members of the fellowship. (Well, partly sane anyway. You'll see.)
Legolas flipped his hair back. "Who, may I ask, is Harvey?"
"I am Harvey!" said Harvey/Merry. "And this is my friend Merry!" He gestured to nothing. "Oh there you are, Marhspie!" said Frodo, grinning.
Gandalf rolled his eyes, and with an exsasperated yet eternally hounded 'harumph' whacked Harvey/Merry on the head with his staff. He collapsed. Everyone cheered. Frodo started to cry. "That sure was mean, Gaflandap!"
They walked on, dragging the three senseless hobbits.
"I will never understand mortals," said Legolas flipping his hair. It caught the sunlight, and shone. "Ooh," said Frodo. "Pretty pretty!" He grabbed the hair. "EEAAIIIEEEE!!" shrieked the elf. "GET HIS FILTHY HANDS OFF MY HAIR!!" He swung the hobbit around and around, until finally he was launched off. Legolas started to run after him, drawing his knife as he ran.
"Harumph! Take it easy." said Gandalf. "You can't kill him. I had first dibs!" Sam started to cry. "You can't kill Mr. Frodo! Bad bad bad bad!" He shook his finger, but blinded by tears, he shook it at Legolas. The elf grabbed it and tossed the hobbit behind him.
Frodo squealed. "Pallfam! You're flying! Teach me teach me!" Gandalf rolled his eyes. Pippin choked back a sob.