HARRY POTTER FANFICTION
It was a dark and stormy night. Harry Potter, who had recently been visited by QEFTSW (Queer Eye for the Straight Wizard), was stalking around the Gryffindor common room at 2:34 in the morning. He was so full of angst he was about to burst! It hurt! He had to let it out! His angst was so overwhelming that he could barely make it out the common room door. He flung himself at the fat lady, screaming "Open your portrait immediately or my emerald eyes will cloud over with angst and flash so brilliantly green that it could have been the one - dramatic pause - that killed my parents." The Fat Lady burst into tears and opened her portrait door. Harry stalked down the hallway to North Tower, where he could contemplate his jumping. He broke into a run, but had to fling himself against a wall again to stop the stabs of pain coming from his incredibly tight girl pants around his man package. As he limped towards the misty plateau, which reflected his misty mood, he saw a figure. A figure who was moping. In girl pants. He walked closer, not daring to believe his eyes. Could another soul truly be feeling this pain? As he approached, the person turned. Smouldering grey met electrifying green, like a pile of lint in a violent tango with mouldy bell peppers. Together, they shone like the spell that killed Harry's parents. "Draco..."
Harry jolted awake, looking around for his knight in sparkly girl pants. All he saw was Ronald, or as he had taken to being called lately, Ronaldo, snuggled into his side. This was the fourth time he had awoken from a dream about Draco and the third that he had awoken with the fiery redhead in his bed.
"Morning, love," Ron mumbled as he woke up. As Ron moved up for another kiss, Harry blurted out, "Ron,"
"Ronaldo",
"we were not meant to be. Just like my parents' lives."
"But..." Ron began.
"No, Ronaldo. No. It's just too much. I can't handle your love. Just like I can't handle that my parents weren't in a car wreck. It was VOLDEMORT, Ron. Did you know that? Did you??" Ron turned his face away in shame.
"I - I didn't know." At that point, Hermione walked into the boy's room. "Hermione, what are you doing in the boy's rooms?" Ron asked.
"I have a penis."
Ron turned his face away in shame.
"I - I didn't know." He said. Inside, however, he was aflame with ecstasy. Finally, his prayers had been answered! The Devil truly did pay those who worshipped Him! Ron kissed Hermione full on the lips, then presently burst into flames. Hermione looked over at Harry expectantly. "Hermione, my parents have been killed. By HIM. WERE YOU NOT AWARE????" Hermione turned her head away in shame. "I - I didn't know."