Hey guys! SPOILERS for WitW and PitH. This is my take on Brennan's reaction to Booth's 'death' I know it's been done, but give it a chance :) It's kind of a long one-shot, but it didn't make sense to me to split it up. I hope it's not too OOC, it's only my second Bones fic.
Disclaimer: I don't own it. Or the song, which is It's Not Over, by Secondhand Serenade.
Enjoy!
Temperance Brennan stepped into her apartment, pulling the door shut behind her as she let out a deep sigh. She could feel her resolve slipping away. This could not be happening. Why? Why did he have to be so stupid?
Temperance felt herself slide down to the floor as the tears she'd been holding in for hours began to fall. She buried her head in her hands, with her elbows on her knees, and let the tears come. Stupid, stupid Booth. He and his alpha-male tendencies had gotten him killed. Why would he jump in front of a bullet? Who does that?
My tears run down like razorblades
And no, I'm not the one to blame
It's you, or is it me?
Brennan knew that logically, she shouldn't be mad at Booth. Anthropologically speaking, she knew that it was human instinct to protect those close to you. But that didn't matter, as she no longer put all her stock in facts and logic, because Booth had taught her not to. To follow her gut. He was always telling her that there were greater things on heaven and earth than could be dreamt of in her science. But all her gut was telling her right now was that this hurt. More than anything had ever hurt her before. She didn't know when she had become this woman who broke down in tears and couldn't even function without him, but right now she didn't care.
Booth had proven many times that he would stop at nothing to protect her. But now Booth was--. She couldn't bring herself to form the words, even just in her thoughts, because acknowledging it would make it real. Booth, her partner-her best friend, was gone, forever, because of her. She knew it was foolish of her to get up on that stage and sing and dance like a teenager. But Booth--he had just looked so excited. Who was she to deny him?
And all the words we never say
Come out and now we're all ashamed
And there's no sense in playing games
When you've done all you can do
Three years ago, she wouldn't have even entered a place like the Checkerbox. And she definitely wouldn't have ever considered getting on stage a singing a song, much less one that reminded her so much of her childhood. But three years ago, Booth wasn't her partner. She didn't know when it had happened, but somewhere along the way, she had let Booth in. Or rather, he had pushed his way in. Booth had never once been fazed by her ridiculous amounts of 'baggage,' as he would call it. He had taught her to open up in so many ways, and to actually live life, not just let it pass her by as she isolated herself in her lab. And, ironically, it was because of what Booth had taught Brennan that she now found herself curled up on her floor, mourning his death.
But now it's over, it's over, why is it over?
We had the chance to make it
Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over
I wish that I could take it back
But it's over
Temperance found herself momentarily wishing that she had never met Special Agent Seeley Booth. The woman she was before he came into her life was used to people leaving, and she certainly didn't break down when they left. And, had they never met, Booth would still be alive.
Brennan immediately regretted the thought. Of course she was glad she had met Booth. He was the best man—the best person—she had ever met. The best thing to ever happen to her. He had taken her under his wing and showed her how to live, and more importantly, how to love. She promised herself right then and there to always remember Booth for the great man that he was. She would make sure that he was never forgotten.
I lose myself in all these fights
I lose my sense of wrong and right
I cry, I cry
It's shaking from the pain that's in my head
I just wanna crawl into my bed
And throw away the life I led
But I won't let it die, but I won't let it die
Brennan couldn't believe that she would never see Booth again. There was so much she wanted to tell him. She wanted to thank him for changing her life. She wanted to tell him that of course if they weren't partners, they would be more than coffee. She wanted to tell him that she—that she loved him. She knew that he was the only person that would never even consider leaving her by his own free will. He accepted her with all her faults, and embraced her all the more for them. Though she had never admitted it before, even to herself, she had loved him for quite some time now. She should have told him; she should have let him all the way in. But she hadn't realized that they had so little time. Brennan had thought that they had all the time in the world to sort out the roller coaster that was their relationship.
Yes, Angela had been right all along. Brennan had spent so much time denying it that she had missed her opportunity; their moment. She had been so focused on staying behind the line that he had put in place, that now she would spend the rest of her life wondering what they could have been; wondering if Booth had felt the same way about her as she felt about him. Of course, she knew that loosing Booth like this would have been even more difficult had they been a couple, but it had to be better than never knowing.
But now it's over, it's over, why is it over?
We had the chance to make it
Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over
I wish that I could take it back
Brennan pulled herself off the floor once her tears slowed. She wondered if they would ever stop. It was morning now. Day one of life without Booth. She found the cheerfulness of the sunny sky and the chirping birds to be rather irritating. Didn't they know gloominess that today would bring, and every day after? She shut the windows and pulled the shades shut, and her apartment was soon enveloped into darkness again. She moved into her bedroom and unceremoniously flopped down on her bed. She could hear her phone ringing—Angela, no doubt—but she found that she didn't care. The whole team had been a mess when they had heard the news, but right now Brennan just needed to be alone. She didn't want anyone to try to comfort her. This hurt too deep for anyone other than Booth himself to mend and, well, that wasn't going to happen.
I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart
Don't say this won't last forever
You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart
Don't tell me that we will never be together
We could be, over and over
We could be, forever
What was wrong with her? She was Dr. Temperance Brennan, master of compartmentalizing. This should be no different. She should just move on with her life, like she had so many times before. Deep down, however, she knew that this was completely different. This wasn't her parents, or even her brother, driving away and leaving her behind. This wasn't Sully sailing off into the sunset. This was her best friend and closest confidant getting shot protecting her and dying in her arms. Yes, this was more definitely different.
Brennan sighed as she tried to find a comfortable spot in her bed. Not that it mattered. She knew that sleep would not come, and she was almost glad. She knew hat sleep meant watching him die again and again, and waking up to the horrible realization that none of this was a dream.
I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart
Don't say this won't last forever
You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart
Don't tell me that we will never be together
We could be, over and over
We could be, forever
Okay, so maybe she shouldn't have punched him. But, as Brennan stormed into her apartment, she found that she was incredibly pissed. He was alive?! He was alive, and he didn't tell her. Two weeks, she had spent hoping that he would walk through the door, and living with the undeniable guilt of having cost him his life, and he was alive the whole time, probably sitting in a nice safe house, drinking beer and watching sports, as her life came crashing down around her. It was funny, how life worked. Two hours ago she would have given anything to see him alive again. But now, she found herself wanting to kill him.
How dare he? How dare he show up at his own funeral, and act like it was now big deal? He was dead for two weeks! She sighed in frustration as she picked up her cell phone, which had been ringing since she left the cemetery. Not surprisingly, Booth had called a number of times, as had Angela. She also had a few voicemails. Brennan figured she might as well listen to them, as she had nothing better to do. The first three were from Booth, all saying basically the same thing.
"Bones, it's me. Please, pick up the phone. This wasn't supposed to happen like this. You were supposed to know. I swear, I thought you knew. I would never, ever do something like this to you. You know that. Please, just let me explain. Don't shut me out, Temperance. I'm coming over. We need to talk. And, just so you know, I will break down your door if I have to."
She knew him well enough to know that he was serious. Brennan had to admit, though, that he sounded guilty. Really guilty. But that didn't mean she wasn't still pissed. She had one more voicemail, this one from Ange.
"Hey Bren," gone was the usual playfulness in her friend's voice. Angela sounded completely serious. "Sweetie, I know you're mad, and you have every right to be. I was mad too. We all were. But Bren, you should have seen Booth face when he found out you didn't know. I have never seen anyone look so utterly crushed in my life. He honestly thought you knew. He's own his way over to your place now. Just hear him out, okay? This wasn't his fault." Brennan could hear Angela take a breath before continuing.
"Bren, I know you don't want to hear this right now, but just listen to me for a minute, okay? We both know that when Booth was, well, gone, you had some serious regrets about your relationship. And I swear, this is not me playing matchmaker, I am being serious. I just want you to be happy.
"Sweetie, most people would kill for a second chance like this. Things like this don't happen very often, so when they do, you have to make the most of it. Just, think about it, alright? Call me if you need to talk. I love you Sweetie, and so does Booth. Sorry, I couldn't resist. Bye!"
Brennan couldn't help but smile slightly as she rolled her eyes. Typical Angela. Brennan knew Ange was right though, and she slowly felt most of her anger slip away. Yes, she was upset, but mostly she was just glad that Booth was alive. Ange was right. People don't get second chances like this.
Brennan got up as she heard a knock on the door, and wiped away the tears she hadn't realized were falling. She opened the door to reveal an almost pitiful looking Booth. Still in his uniform, which Brennan had to admit looked pretty good on him, his face was a cross between sheer guilt and heartbreak, and his deep brown eyes were exuding sorrow. His eyes met hers as she opened the door, and if it was possible, he looked even more disconcerted when he noticed her tearstained face.
"Bones, I-," he began, but he was cut off when Brennan launched herself into his arms, burying her head into his right shoulder. She felt him stagger back slightly, and, hearing his sharp intake of breath, she immediately pulled away and took a few steps back.
"Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot-," Brennan started to apologize for agitating his wound.
"Shh, Bones, come here," he said, as he pulled her gently back to him, wrapping his arms around her and guiding her head to rest on his left shoulder. They stood like that for a few minutes, as her tears fell softly and he stroked her hair gently. "I am so, so sorry, Bones," he told her guiltily. She pulled back reluctantly to meet his eyes.
"I know," she told him softly, before taking his hand and leading him to the couch, not quite ready to relinquish physical contact. For two weeks she had prayed, yes, prayed, to be back in his arms, even for one last "guy hug". Now that he was here, she found herself irrationally thinking that if she let him go, he would be gone again.
They sat together on the couch, much closer than 'partners' should, and she leaned into him slightly as he wrapped an arm around her shoulder.
"What happened, Booth?" she asked softly after a few minutes.
Booth told her the whole story, how the FBI faked his death to force out a long wanted fugitive. How he had to go into hiding for a couple of weeks, to ensure that word of his being alive wouldn't get out.
"And you couldn't tell me?" she questioned, trying to mask her pain.
"I thought someone did. There was a list of people to be told, and you were on the top. You and Parker. You have to believe me, Bones. I never would have agreed to this if I had known you were going to think I was dead."
"I believe you Booth, I do."
"Good. And when I find out who slipped up, and I will, I will personally kick the crap out of them." Brennan smiled slightly at his words.
"So how's your, um…" she couldn't bring herself to form the words. She couldn't wrap her mind around any of the events of the last two weeks. All she knew was that right now, she really, really, hoped she wasn't dreaming.
"Oh, you know, it's fine. Nothing a little TLC won't fix," Booth replied casually, flashing his patented charm smile.
"I don't know what that means," she told him in typical Brennan fashion. Booth just chuckled, knowing that trying to explain would most likely be useless. It wasn't important. He glanced at his partner, and saw her staring ant the floor with a far-away look in her eyes. He squeezed her shoulder gently.
"Talk to me, Bones," he requested softly. He could see that this whole thing had hit her harder than she was letting on. While he was gone, she had started to put her walls back up. Booth was determined to break them down again. He did not want to be responsible for her shutting back down.
"I just…why did you do it, Booth?" Brennan asked, refusing to meet his gaze.
"I told you Bones, it was the only way to get that guy to come out of hiding, and-"
"No, not that," Brennan cut it. "At the Checkerbox. Why did you take the bullet? I mean, it was meant for me, and you have so much to live you. You have Parker and-,"
"Hey, Temperance, look at me," Booth interjected, putting his finger under her chin and forcing her to met his gaze. "Don't ever, for a second, think that my life is worth more than yours, okay? Ever." he told her definitively. She averted her eyes and he dropped his hand from her chin before speaking again, his tone softer now.
"And honestly, Bones? I didn't even think about it. There was no time to think. I just…reacted. I saw her point that gun at you and I just knew I had to stop her. I couldn't let her hurt you. So I stood up. And I would do it again, in a heartbeat." Brennan smiled weakly.
"It's just…I watched you get shot, Booth. I stood there and I watched you take a bullet for me. I held your hand and I tried to stop the bleeding and I couldn't." Her voice was shaking now, and her eyes were watering again. The far-away look was back in her eyes, and he knew that she was reliving those moments; seeing it all again; and he hated himself for causing her this much pain.
"And when they told me that you were…dead, I just—I thought it was my fault. And you were gone and I was alone again and I didn't know what to do. I just kept replaying it over and over in my head, and it was…" she trailed off as her voice broke. Booth wrapped his arms around her quickly, ignoring the slight shot of pain in his right side. He had never seen her like this. She rarely cried, and even when she did, it was never like this, sobbing wildly into his chest. He hated himself for doing this to her. He also hated whoever it was that didn't tell her the truth.
"I am so, so sorry," he told her again, his own voice dangerously near breaking. "You have no idea how awful I feel. If I'd had any idea," he trailed off, knowing that providing excuses didn't matter any more. He placed a soft kiss in her hair as he rubbed circles softly on her back as her sobs gradually subsided. She pulled away from him slowly, wiping away her tears.
"Sorry," she said sheepishly, embarrassed that she had lost control of herself like that. "I've been doing a lot of that recently."
"Don't ever apologize, Bones," He told her, wiping away the last of her tears with his thumb. "You didn't do anything wrong. It's okay to be upset." She nodded slightly before meeting his eyes again.
"I'm really glad you're alive Booth," she told him sincerely.
"Hey, there is no way you were getting rid of me that easily," he said with a smirk. Brennan smacked his arm lightly.
"That is not funny," she told him with a mock glare before repositioning herself under his arm.
The two sat in a comfortable silence for a few minutes, and Brennan's thoughts drifted back to Angela's advice. The partners were so comfortable right now; Brennan wasn't sure she wanted to ruin in by pouring her heart out. But, regardless, she knew Ange was right. If the past two weeks had taught Brennan anything, it was that her life could change in an instant, and she shouldn't take anything for granted. She was lucky to have this second chance, and knew she would never get another one like it. She was afraid of Booth rejecting her; she had been all along. But she now knew the regret of not knowing was much worse than rejection.
"Booth?"
"Hmm?"
"When you were gone, I had some time to think about some things."
"Well, you're always thinking Bones. That's why you're you," Booth joked, but as he turned to look at her he could immediately tell that this was a serious matter. "Sorry," he mumbled. "What's up, Bones?" She took a deep breath before continuing. She was about to put her heart on the line, something she never did, and she was afraid of what it could do to their friendship, if he didn't feel the same.
"Without you here, I felt like—I felt like part of me was gone too. Like part of me had died along with you. I couldn't help but think that I was missing you as more than my partner, more than a friend even." Booth took her hand in his, but remained silent as she continued.
"I mean, I've lost a lot of people in my life, Booth, but it's never hit me like that before. I all wanted was for you to be back, so that I could tell you that--,"
Brennan was cut off as Booth's lips were suddenly on hers, kissing her gently but deeply. It wasn't overly passionate, but it affected Brennan like no other kiss ever had. She wrapped her arms around Booth as his hand came up to rest in her hair. They both pulled back moments later, when oxygen became a necessity.
"—I love you, Booth," Brennan said honestly, completely what she had been trying to tell him before he…interrupted. She rarely used those words, especially so early in a relationship, if that's even what this was. But she had her Booth back, and she didn't want to hold back any of what they could be, something that she had almost missed out on entirely. At hearing her words, his eyes lit up.
"I love you too, Temperance," Booth told her, their foreheads pressed together. She knew that he meant it. In his eyes she saw nothing but love and truth. He kissed her again, cupping her face with his hands. When they separated, he looked deep into her eyes again.
"Just so you know, I will never, ever, leave you. Not by choice. There is no where that I would rather be than here with you. Forever." She smiled at his words, knowing that he was telling the truth.
"I know Booth, I trust you." Booth returned her smile as they settled comfortably back into the couch, Booth's arms wrapped securely around his Bones. They both knew they had a lot to figure out and discuss, but right now it didn't matter. All that mattered was that they were together.
It's not over, it's not over, it's never over
Unless you let it take you
It's not over, it's not over, it's not over
Unless you let it break you
It's not over
As Brennan felt herself drifting to sleep, she smiled. She could get used to this; the feeling of being wrapped up in Booth's arms. She knew now that she could continue living their second chance, without regrets. Sitting there with Booth, Brennan realized the true paradox of it all. Just last night she had softly cried herself into a restless sleep for the thirteenth time in as many nights, mourning the death of her partner. But yet here she was, a mere twenty four hours later, wrapped in his arms, and feeling that, for the first time in a long time, everything was exactly how it should be.
THE END!
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