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All I can only hear is silence.
Seating on the corner of my bed with my legs and arms curled up, I waited patiently for each second to pass staring into oblivion with my dead eyes; hoping that time would indeed heal my wounds. I heard a soft knock on my door before it gently swung open revealing a person I never expected to meet again.
"Eugenia-sama…" my voice barely giving off my surprise and shock at her appearance as she closed the door before facing me.
"Still referring to me as a princess until this day huh?" She was roughly my height, petite-looking and wearing a plain dress but she carried herself with her confidence and gentleness; a modern day princess.
"I was never able to call you by that except in my mind." I mused, looking back at the distance past, hoping to escape from the agony of the present. "Why are you here?"
"To check up on you? Where are the rest of you? Where's the clear minded Yusei at?" She sat down on the bedframe as her concern showed on her face.
"He committed suicide." I spoke nonchalantly, the horror was written on her face as she recoiled from the news. "After the rejection… at first all was fine and well, we both cried at the loss. But then he couldn't take it, he could only found release in death; so he pulled the trigger."
"Then where's your dark side?" She asked and I replied by pointing straight across the room; a headless corpse with blood smeared around the area.
She covered her mouth in dismay as I explained, "He wanted to control me, to make everything 'better' for me, to take my pain away but he didn't do anything. A few weeks passed after the rejection and I came to realize the evil within all of us; that deep down all of us are savages. At first we may have the best of intentions or the kindest of heart, but as we get pushed back and rejected constantly, our savage side are brought out in all of us in order to get what we want. We all become monsters. I couldn't allow him to run free, I had to kill him. I made it quick, a bullet to the head and it was done."
She gave me an expression of grief before making a comment, "You truly are alone now huh?"
"My mind has been totally quiet, just myself alone. It has been like ten years since silence filled my mind. I returned to Martha in hopes of finding help but we both knew it wouldn't help. She accepted me back, even gave me my old room back but she didn't know how to support me. Since young, I was different from the other kids that she took in; she didn't know how to handle me. Overtime she just gave me my space and supported me to the best she could. I couldn't bring myself to tell her, because I felt like she wouldn't be able to help me. So I never told her. And then my so called 'friends'… none had called; no one had bothered to find out if I was okay or shown any concern after I disappeared off the grid. But the greatest hurt came from her of course… After rejecting me she abandoned me, god knows if she was celebrating from being unburdened or feeling down because of the way things turned out but she never called, messaged or anything. I was the one who checked up on her and asked if she was okay. ME. The guy that got DUMPED had to ASK the PERSON WHO DUMP ME how SHE was. The fact that she seems so happy on social media hurts even more because it looked like I never mean anything to her. " As I kept up my revelation I uncurled my limbs and pulled my top up to showcase the mutilation I had done on myself.
"Your heart! It's bleeding." She saw the scars, wounds and dried blood all around my chest.
"These are what I do to myself to fend off when I think about her on a daily basis." I took out my pocket knife, twirling it as I continued. "When I smell soap or perfume, I couldn't help but be reminded of her scent… and how my relationship was just a lie. When I found something amusing, I am reminded of her laughter and the truth that I was never important to her sucks away all the fun. When I see the photos that she took of herself, the fact that I could never be with her anymore overwhelms me, I needed to find a way to numb all this feelings away." And I then gave her a live demonstration, stabbing myself with the knife multiple times to the heart as Eugenia watched.
"That's not all," I turned around and showed three distinct crudely carved scars from the most extremely bluntness sharpie known to exist. "The first one was the fact that after so long of knowing her, I am barely a level higher than some stranger that she met on the street. I was only just her friend; only a friend, nothing more nothing less. I wasn't qualified to be her best friend nor her good friend. I was placed at the bottom. After everything that I've done, I am ONLY JUST a friend." I began to weep as I relieved the deep sorrow that was trapped within me.
"The second scar came from the fact how she had said that she was unworthy when really it was I who is the unworthy one… How can she be the one when she is the one rejecting me? It's so blindly obvious It is I who is unworthy of her. Not the other way around. She… keeps trying to blame herself and yet also still pulling the strings from behind the scene… She told me that it was up to me whether we wanted to stay as friends but really all along it was she who was the one deciding. I made the effort to try and talk to her and show that we could still be friends but she never responded. All this deception... I no longer know what to believe or who to trust anymore." I slumped to wall as tears continued to flow down.
"The latest wound came from the fact that she already found a new boyfriend. I always knew she was immensely popular with guys… Three weeks… Barely three weeks and she found someone "worthy" of her. I was never a candidate for her love. I was never important to her. She never loved me." And with the truth spoken I let out the floodgates and cried while screaming all the agony within me out loud. But the anguish and despair just echoed of in my room, there was nobody to hear my cries of plead and all this while Eugenia just watched as I let out all of my withheld pains.
"WHY? WHY MUST THINGS TURN OUT LIKE THIS? I thought that by showing how sincere I was to her, how determine I was to the relationship, I would get a chance to at the very least to try out. Why? Are you here to remind me how I cannot attain happiness? That my sins have come back to remind me that I don't deserve to be happy?" I turned towards Eugenia for answers with pleading eyes, all this while continuing to sob non-stop.
"You have always been so logical Yusei... But sometimes not everything can be explained through reasoning." She tried to reach out to touch me but retracted at the last second, turning her head away from me. "I know that you desperately want to rely on someone to save you, but I'm not that person. I'm long gone Yusei, I'm just your past; I'm just part of your imagination. You send me here so that you could at least tell someone, even if that means a person who has disappeared from your life already, even if that person is your very first crush." I cried even harder, my shattered reality breaking itself; my will too grounded in reality.
"It was kindness that you felt for me, you knew that. But this time, you genuinely love her? Don't you?" She gave a pause for me to as I nodded my head violently tears still streaming profusely.
At this moment the door swung open and a ten year old version of me appeared. Eugenia stood up and proceeded to head for the door.
"No! Are you abandoning me too?! Are you abandoning me just like Aki?! PLEASE!" I begged with my outstretched hand not for her to go.
She contemplated for a while, lingering at the door before she turned around and gave a heartfelt smile and finally spoke, "Hang in there, Yusei." before she left with the ten year old me and closed the door.
"Wait..." I vainly pleaded with no avail; she was already gone.
I lay on my bed for a couple of minutes, looking up at the empty ceiling, before pulling my handgun out and pressed it underneath my head. I wanted so badly to end it all, to end all this pain and make it go away. I just want to escape this pain. I gave one last blood-curdling scream before flunking the weapon a side and curled myself back up.
All I can only hear after that is silence.
Author's note:
I don't own 5D's or any of its characters. If you could, please leave a review or favorite the story if you enjoyed it. If you identified a spelling or grammatical error feel free to just point it out.