Disclaimer: Never did, never will.
A/N: Feeling off today. I kinda missed writing Sam, so here's a pointless one-shot to get rid of some unwanted emotion. There's no real plot.
I'm tired of this.
The overwhelming sense of failure, the constant picking at everything I do, the being dropkicked every time I feel like I've done something to be proud of…I can't help but feel like everyone else is right, that I'm nothing, that I'm only here for their purpose. I used to believe that too, that maybe I was born so I could help everyone else. That doesn't make me feel any better.
On the outside, people see this tough girl that hates school and dislikes working, that's too lazy to do anything for herself, that fights or bullies or just plain acts like a bitch. They see all of this and they demonize me because it's who I've become. I was not always like this. No one ever stops and thinks that maybe there's a reason for it, maybe there's something else that everyone overlooks. They just don't care.
No one sees what's on the inside. Inside is a broken girl, torn apart by mental and emotional abuse, beaten so badly that I have to hide it with a façade so people don't ask questions. I'm so empty and cold that I feel like I'm never going to be happy, that there's no hope to ever feel better.
Of course, there is someone who gives me a sense of happiness. I can't say that I'm truly happy because I'm not, that ship sunk a long time ago, but she doesn't make me feel like everyone else does. She doesn't pick me apart, telling me that I'm nothing, that I'm a waste of space, that I'm stupid. She treats me like a human being because she sees through the shell. She sees the damage, the emptiness that I try to hide.
In all of my life I've never had someone like her. We've been friends for a while, even though I've wanted more, but I can't have her. She's just not…I have to be grateful for what I have with her and wanting anything more seems like I'm selfish, that I hate being just friends, that I'm not thankful just to have her in my life. But I am. I have to be because I don't want to lose her.
That would be the final breaking point.
If I lost her, I would have nothing left. Maybe I would, but no one's as important to me as she is. I sound like a child, like I'm dependent on her. I'm not, I just…What would you do if the one person who made you feel like you're something just disappeared out of your life?
"Sam, are you up here?" I slam my journal closed and hide it under the fake car, leaning against the hood and crossing my arms. The door to the iCarly studio opens and Carly steps in, raising her brow. "What are you doing?"
I shrug. "I sort of didn't want to talk to anyone, so I came up here for the silence." She looks hurt and I sigh. "I didn't mean it like that, Carls. I just meant…Things were bad last night and I just...I hate venting to you, so I came up here and tried calming myself down." I shake my head. "How did you even know I was here?"
"The lock on the front door was broken. Do you want me to leave you alone? I can go back downstairs and wait for…" I'm not one to cry, but right now, I can't stop myself. And she knows I'm going to. She crosses the studio and pulls me into a hug, and I bury my face in her neck, letting go. I hate that I'm being so weak in front of her, but she doesn't use it against me, doesn't tell me that I deserve everything that hurts me. She doesn't comfort me either, telling me that everything's going to be okay because we both know how much of a lie that is. Nothing's ever going to be okay, I'm already destroyed, and the most she can do is be there so I'm not alone.
"Hey, guys, I…" I freeze, not wanting Benson to see me cry, but he's figured it out for himself. "I'll be downstairs," I hear him announce quietly before I hear the door close. He's one of the few, aside from Carly, that doesn't tear me down. He takes my abuse as an outlet, like he's a lightning rod in the middle of the storm. He calls us friends, something I'm not used to, and I don't know how else to handle it. I think he knows that.
As much as I've fought with Carly, I'm amazed she's still around. I'm always the stupid one, the one who says something to piss her off, or I do something that hurts her, or I just act like an idiot. But even during all those moments, she doesn't treat me like everyone else does. Maybe it's because she knows what's beneath the shell. I never figured it out, how Carly can be so nice to me, even when I don't deserve it. I'm sure I annoy her with all of my problems, with my constant bitching about everything that goes wrong with me. Maybe I should just shut up. She'd know something was up even if I didn't say anything. Nothing else needs to be said.
I finally pull away and head downstairs for the bathroom. Splashing water on my face, I look in the mirror to make sure it doesn't look like I've been crying. I hate when people see me cry, especially Carly, but I couldn't help it. I dry my face and open the door to find Carly standing in the hallway, her arms crossed and a frown on her face. "Are you going to tell me what happened?"
I shake my head. "Not right now, Carls, please."
"Was it your mom? You can't let her keep doing this to you, Sam." She says it as though I have a choice, like I can just tell my mom to fuck off. I probably could, but then what would I do? She's my mother and apparently I'm the child. That's bullshit. Melanie gets treated with more respect than I do, and yeah, she used to be perfect. What about now? Now, she's still Mom's perfect little angel, no matter what she does. She drinks way more than I do and she still gets more respect than I do. She dropped out of that fancy boarding school of hers because she didn't want to have perfect grades or whatever her excuse was. I'm tired of it. And Carly doesn't understand. She'll never understand.
"Don't worry about it, Carly. Let's just go and see what the nub wanted. He's probably waiting for you anyway." I didn't mean for it to sound venomous, but it definitely came out that way. Carly's hurt, but I can't take it back. One thing I've learned is that you can't ever take back what you say once it's out of your mouth.
But it's true. Why would Benson ever be waiting for me? He's just another person who doesn't care. Even if he pretends he does, pretends to be my friend, I can't accept that he's different than anyone else. No, only Carly is different.