Something Positive
Lily Evans pulled her battered old car into the parking space. She put the stick into park, turned off the car, and exhaled. She did not turn to face the man in the passenger seat.
"Do you want me to come in with you?" the man asked. "Maybe I should."
"No," Lily said, brushing a strand of her red hair behind her ears.
"Are you sure-?"
"Yes. This is awkward enough as it is, Remus, I'd rather go in alone. Thank you for coming," she added, so she didn't ungrateful. She could tell he was a little uncomfortable as it was, yet she was glad she had someone with her. This was a job for a girlfriend, not a guy-friend. But Lily hadn't many girlfriends she still kept in touch with. A lot had happened since they left school.
"Well, we're not advised to go anywhere alone, especially after—" Remus paused. "Well. You're welcome," he finished lamely.
It was obvious what Remus was avoiding. People weren't advised to go anywhere alone anymore because disappearances had been increasing lately. Two weeks ago, a school friend of Lily's was reported missing. She was a muggle-born, like Lily.
Lily got out of her beater, which had belonged to her mum. She saved it from being sold off by Petunia. The same holy cross was hanging from the rear-view-mirror; the dashboard was still filled with tissues, change, and a bottle of perfume.
Lily missed her mother. She needed her right now more than ever.
Lily walked into Boot's (the pharmacy her mother had been keen on). The cashier smiled as she entered. Lily forced a smile back. It was weak, and she knew it. She walked down the aisles, feeling embarrassed, awkward, and lonely. She grabbed what she needed, walked to the checkout, and fumbled for her wallet. She accidentally dropped some sickles on the counter. The cashier looked at them curiously, before saying, "twelve pounds fifty." The girl looked at Lily sympathetically as she accepted the money and put her item in the bag. Lily paid and left without a word. She got back into the car, threw the bag into the back, and began the drive home.
Remus was watching her.
"Stop looking at me, Remus, it's weird."
"Sorry," was all he said. "I'm just a little worried about you. About everyone, really." He looked out the passenger window instead. To say things had been rough lately would be an understatement.
"I know."
On top of the disappearances, Lily's boyfriend had been suffering a great deal. His parents had gotten ill a few months ago with dragon pox, and it had been a tough journey. His parents were rather old. Mrs. Potter passed first, around two months ago, and her husband just two weeks later. James Potter had not been coping well. The only thing he and Lily had left in the world was each other.
Fifteen minutes later, Lily parked her car outside her flat, which James had recently moved into. He'd practically been living there anyway, and after his parents got ill, they just decided to do it.
Lily and Remus got out of the car, and Lily walked towards the door. Remus appeared as though he wasn't sure if he was supposed to stay or go.
"You can go home, I'm fine now, you don't have to stay," Lily said, finding her keys and avoiding his eyes.
"I don't have to. I can stay for a while."
"No, really, I just wanted someone to come with. I'm not so stupid that I think I can just travel alone whenever I please and be safe. And I had no one else to ask, really," she finished, looking up at Remus.
Remus looked as though he doubted this, but it was true. She certainly wasn't going to talk to Sirius or Peter about this, and James… well, he was working for the Order at the moment. That was her excuse. Lily reached out and pulled her friend into a hug. He squeezed her tightly.
"Just floo me if you need anything," he said. "I'll be at home. And Lily," he said. "Everything will be fine, I'm sure of it." He looked as though he didn't know what 'fine' meant just yet, but he was trying to be comforting. Lily appreciated it.
"Thanks, Remus." She kissed him on the cheek, a rare thing. Then she went inside.
The flat looked terrible. It was small, just a studio, and got messy easily. Clippings from The Daily Prophet highlighting deaths and disappearances of people Lily and James had known were laying everywhere; a morbid reminder of the ongoing fight. The obituaries of James' parents were sitting on the desk. A photo of his father that had been passed out at the funeral was on the fridge. Piles of dirty dishes were in the sink from two days ago—which would have been Lily's mother's birthday—when Lily spent most of the day binge-eating. There was a snot stain on the pillow from when she had cried herself to sleep shortly after. A note was on the kitchen table—"will be home before midnight"—left there by James, reminding her of how little they saw of each other lately.
Lily went into the bathroom, carrying her bag from the pharmacy. Yes, things had definitely been rough. She could really use something positive in her life. She took out the box, tossed the bag into the bin, shimmied down her jeans and sat. She opened the box and pulled out its contents, looking the object over, and then awkwardly peed on her newly-acquired pregnancy test. The Lily waited.
Slowly, a pink little plus appeared on the piece of plastic.
This was not the kind of positive she had been hoping for.
Two more positive tests and a lot of pumpkin juice later, Lily Evans was frantically pacing around her room, heart pounding, chest tight, breathing heavily. Tears began to well up in her eyes. A sob escaped. Then another. She could no longer breathe through her nose. She wiped her hand across her eyes in an effort to stop the tears, but more came. She sat on the edge of the bed, put her hands in her hair, and stuck her head between her knees.
Inhale.
Exhale.
She tried to regain herself. This was unlike her. She was used to being strong, especially for James lately. This wasn't the end of the world.
Lily sat up as her chest loosened and breathing became easier. She was still crying, but willed herself to stop.
"I am pregnant," she said quietly to herself. "I am going to have a child." She said it again, making it real. Lily looked down at her stomach. She had no idea what she was going to do. They were fighting a war—this was not prime time for conceiving. She was 19 years old, her boyfriend had only been living with her for four months, she was unmarried, and she had no parents to help her. Not even potential in-laws. No one. Never mind the fact that the father of her child had been wallowing in misery and depression the last half-a-year. What would he do now? What 19 year old boy wants a child? What 19 year old boy would even know what to do with an infant?
Lily wiped her nose on her sleeve and lay down on her already-disgusting pillow. She'd had a feeling this might happen, but ignored it, pretended it wouldn't, that it couldn't, that she was immune to conceiving or something like that.
Several weeks ago, in the midst of the Potters' sickness and wakes and funerals, James had simply collapsed into tears. Lily had dropped the plates she had been washing, and they shattered all over the ground. She hurried over to him and held him there on the floor, stroking his hair and telling him she was sorry, she was so sorry for him, and he knew she was because she'd already gone through it. "I love you," Lily had said to him. "More than anything. It's just you and me now, and I'm not going to go anywhere." James wasn't embarrassed at this lapse in his 'manhood,' as he would say; he simply wiped his eyes, held her tight, and gave her a long, deep kiss. And then another. And she kissed him back, and he led her to their bed, and one thing led to another. She wasn't sure if he was just distracting himself or simply longing for comfort and togetherness, but it didn't matter either way, because they were in love.
What did matter, which slipped her mind at the time, was that amidst all the shit they'd been going through, she hadn't been taking her birth-control potion. She only remembered the next day, with jolt in her stomach, but she quickly dismissed the thought of pregnancy, telling herself she'd only missed two days, and she hurried off to start taking it again.
Clearly she'd just been lying to herself, she thought, as she drifted off the sleep.
The door slammed; there was a quiet "shit."
Lily awoke, startled. She sat up in bed, and looked through the doorframe. The silhouette of a man was visible in the kitchen. He emptied his pockets onto the table, and peered into the bedroom. James and Lily made awkward eye contact. He winced. "Sorry, love," he said, leaning on the doorframe and looking apologetic. "I didn't mean it to be so loud."
She shrugged. "You just gave me a fright. What time is it?"
"One," James replied. He scratched the back of his neck. "I, er. I tried to get home sooner."
"Who were you on duty with?" Lily asked.
"Sirius," he admitted.
"I imagine that you didn't go straight home, then," she said.
He looked guilty.
"Well, Sirius wanted to—"
"Never mind, it doesn't matter," Lily said briskly. James knew she was annoyed, but he left it alone.
"Okay," he said.
"Not that it matters that I could have thought you were dead or anything," she retorted.
"You wouldn't have noticed. You were asleep." He used this as a segue. "Why are you sleeping in jeans?"
"I didn't mean to fall asleep," she answered. "I must have fallen asleep around 5 or 6."
James frowned and crawled onto the bed, lying on his stomach and holding himself up with his forearms. "That's odd. What did you do today?"
Lily looked down, away from James. "I went to Boots."
"What's that? Did you go alone? What were you doing out?"
"I'm not a prisoner, James; I'm allowed out when I'm not working," she snapped.
"Well, it's just dangerous out there."
"Says the man who likely just spent his night zooming around on a flying motorcycle, wreaking havoc."
James sighed. "Well what's Boots, anyway?"
"Does it matter? It's a shop in town," said Lily angrily.
"What does it sell?"
"It's a pharmacy."
James frowned. "Animals?"
Lily rolled her eyes. "No, like a chemists'. A drug store. It sells medicine and makeup and toiletries and the like."
"I hope you didn't go alone."
"I didn't."
"Who'd you go with?"
Lily was getting frustrated. She lay back down and faced her butt to James. "Christ, relax, James. I'm not your property or something. I'm well able to look out for myself and I'm not stupid."
James buried his face in a pillow and groaned. Usually Lily's moods weren't a big thing to him, as he had endured several years of her torment. But she could be a bit of a pain, and she knew it.
"Whhhduguwuh,"came the muffled sound of James, talking very loudly into his pillow.
"I went with Remus," she retorted, apparently understanding him. "If you must know. Are you pleased?" she snapped, still looking away from him.
"Yes. No. Yes," James said, returning to the surface. "Why him?" She knew he would be secretly just a hair jealous, which is partially why she'd told him. Lily knew she was being unfair and had no reason to be so snarky to him, but she couldn't help it. She was just upset. He should just know. He should just be able to read minds. He got her pregnant, he should just—he should just know! Lily's eyes watered again and she sniffled.
"Hey, what?" James said, leaning on his side. "Are you-? Lily, stop, I'm sorry," said James, leaning over her now. She began to cry again, but softer this time.
"What is it, love?" he said, wiping away a tear.
She didn't want to tell him. She was afraid of what he would say, what he would do, how he would feel. They weren't engaged. They weren't married. He hadn't even brought that much stuff to her apartment. He was free to leave her whenever he wanted.
But at the same time, she wasn't good at keeping things.
"James," she whispered, sniffling.
"Yes, love?"
"I bought p-p-pregnancy tests at the pharmacy."
"Y-you what?"
Lily sniffled again and went on. "Then I peed on them. I peed on three. It took forever to generate that much pee." She sat up and turned around to look at him. He looked confused. Partially, she thought, because he didn't know how pregnancy tests worked. Lily assumed there was a different way to tell in the Wizarding world, but that wasn't the type of subject taught at Hogwarts. "They were positive," she said. "All of them were positive."
He continued to stare at her.
"I'm— I'm p-p-pregnant," she fumbled.
James tensed. He didn't move. She didn't look at him. After a long moment, he sat up, away from her. She sat up too, terrified to look at him, and yet staring at him all the same. He was staring at the wall. Blankly.
"James?" she asked, wiping her eyes.
He stood up and left the room. Lily felt her heart sink. She was afraid she might hyperventilate again.
After a minute, James returned. He sat down on the bed, and looked into her eyes. "Hey," he said. She said nothing. "This is kind of – this is unplanned, that is for sure."
She nodded, rubbing her eyes. "So unplanned."
He sighed. "It's you and me, Lily. You and me and this baby. And I'm not going anywhere."
She smiled through her tears and put her head into his lap. "I don't know what to do," she said. "I'm scared."
James made a sound that resembled a laugh mixed with a sigh of exasperation. "I'm fucking terrified," he replied.
"What are we going to do?"
"We're going to have a baby," he said, mostly to himself. "Fuck. Wow. A little person." He did sound scared, she thought. But he was here.
"I don't know anything about babies," Lily went on. "I don't have anyone to help me."
"Us," corrected James. "You don't have a soul in the world to help us." He smiled down at her, looking happy and sad simultaneously. "It's just you and me."
"Always," she said, snuggling into him more.
There was a small silence, before James said, "Lily?"
"Hmm," she said. She was feeling much calmer. Happy, almost.
"I'm never leaving you."
"You'd better not."
"I'm not. I never will. I love you more than anything."
"I know," she said. "I love you too."
"Marry me," he demanded, suddenly.
Lily froze, then sat up quickly. "What?" she asked stupidly.
He took her hands in his, stroked her cheek, and stared her in the eyes. "I'm here for good, forever. Are you in this for good?"
She stared at him. "Wh—yes, of course-," she stuttered. "Yes. You know that."
"Then why waste time? Marry me." He looked pleading, almost desperate.
"We're still teenagers, James—."
"Marry me."
"Are you sure about this?"
"I've been sure about this since I was sixteen." His gaze never faltered. "Please marry me. I want me and you, forever."
Lily's eyes watered again. "My eyes are going to be so puffy in the morning," she sniffled through a grin, and kissed him hard on the mouth. "Yes, James, darling. I will marry you."
James's face burst into a grin. Lily laughed.
"I can't believe how happy I am," James said. He pulled her back down so they were lying on their sides, facing on another. "Lily Evans is my fiancé. She is going to have my kid. That kid is going to be wicked awesome." Lily laughed again. "It looks like things are brightening up."
"Yes," agreed Lily. They were going to get married. They would move out of this dump. They would have a wonderful little baby. She thought about that little pink plus sign, how menacing it had looked. But she had been wrong; the plus sign was exactly what it appeared to be— something positive.
from the author:
Hello! I hope you enjoyed this! Please leave a review! Do you think I should do a follow up?
Feel free to comment on any errors, also. :)