Disclaimer: BLEACH and its wholesome goodness belong to Kubo Tite. Me? I'm only a fan escaping Senbonzakura's wrath, sinking deep into Byakuya's koi pond.
Authoress' note: I started writing this collection a long, long time ago but I only have the time to polish it again recently. This will be a collection of one-shots based on what 'love' says and the 'truth' opposing it. I'll try to update regularly but if I don't, it means college is eating up most of my time. Inspiration comes from YUI's song, Love and Truth, even though the oneshots here will be more of crack stories (the song itself is a tragically beautiful song). Anyway, hope you enjoy this! Any errors belong to me so rotten tomatoes or eggs shall be projected at me.
Love and Truth
Chapter One
What Love says: if he truly loves you, he will wake you up gently in the morning with a sweet kiss, a soft caress on your cheek and a little reminder of his undying love to you.
What Truth says: no matter how many times he tells you how much he loves you, his inescapable habit of waking you up in the morning with his loud snoring continues on and on despite you pasting a Breathe Right nasal strip on his nose the night before.
Kurosaki Ichigo and Kuchiki Rukia had been happily married for nearly a year now.
True, just like any other marriages in the world, their marriage wasn't perfect. However, thanks to Ichigo's patience and Rukia's weakness of his charming smirk, the worst clash they had had so far was Rukia sending the roof above their TV room down during 'a little fight because Ichigo wouldn't let her watch Chappy the Bunny show'.
Still, they had been smitten with each other for so long; a few disagreements which surfaced in their matrimony journey couldn't deter their confidence that in the end the problem would smooth itself perfectly.
Unfortunately for Ichigo, the optimism failed to apply when he faced an exhausted, simmeringly livid and clearly sleep-deprived Rukia.
The petite woman had been complaining for days that Ichigo breathed loud and that he should stop doing it. Ichigo was a doctor, yes, but even his clever and wise self was unable to devise a way for him to stop breathing.
How the hell was he supposed to stop breathing anyway?
He had even told her patiently, "Rukia, I love you so much, but how am I supposed to stop breathing? Even a literally dead person like you still needs to breathe."
To which she had replied hotly, "Not stop breathing, you idiot. I asked you to stop breathing loud. Why don't you get your nasal cavities fixed? I'm sure one of your doctor friends could do it for you."
Rolling his eyes incredulously, Ichigo tried to explain, "Well, firstly, I really don't want to waste money just to fix something which is not broken…"
"Your nasal cavities are obviously broken," she interjected sharply, shooting him a dirty glare as she fired the words.
Ichigo, however, prattled away, "…since we still have to pay the mortgage every month, and secondly, if you have forgotten the Biology lesson from high school, breathing is an involuntary movement of the muscles and there's no way I can con—"
Before he could even finish regurgitating the content of his high school textbook to his enraged wife, a small fist made contact with his chin and effectively silenced him. Something she merely explained as 'involuntary movement of the muscles'.
Ichigo dubbed it as 'a conditioned reflex whenever her angry-o-meter reached the peak'.
He could be a shinigami, he could be the saviour of Soul Society…heck—he could even take Rukia's bloodcurdling brother down in a fight; alas, complying with Rukia's exorbitant standard was a terribly hard task even for a man like Ichigo. The hapless lad could only sigh and shrug. Perhaps it's her hormones again, he thought to himself. Rukia had always been more easily ticked off during that time of the month.
Dissatisfied by Ichigo's lack of response, Rukia decided to take a handle of the problem before the time bomb inside her detonated. She bought a pack of nasal strips from the pharmacy nearby their house and when Ichigo was fast asleep that night, she quietly pasted a strip on his nose bridge.
After mentally praising herself for being such a wise lady, she settled herself into a comfortable position beside her husband. She gave a little kiss on the spot where the Breathe Right strip was pasted and giggled. In her opinion, he looked irresistibly cute. Come to think of it, an additional pair of bunny ears to complete his look wouldn't hurt…
How adorable, she thought. She sighed contently and was very certain she would wake up a happy woman the next morning.
However, hours later the raven-haired lady could be seen frowning in her sleep.
Unwillingly pulling herself out of the dreamland, she rubbed her eyes and scooted slightly to the edge of the bed. She was sure as hell she was dreaming about Chappy, not a farm tractor or a bulldozer!
A glance at her alarm clock told her that it was 4.22 in the morning, which was barely legal for her to start her day. Huffing to herself, she tried to locate the source of the awful noise reverberating throughout the room. Her meticulous effort was paid back in the form of a certain carrot top snoring in his sleep, despite having a perfectly intact Breathe Right strip stuck on his nose.
"Ichigo!" she screamed exasperatedly. It took all of her willpower and patience to prevent herself from pulling her hair out or skinning her husband alive.
"Rrrkkk—w…what, Rukia? Hollow? Menos? Aizen?" Stammering, a sleepy Ichigo emerged sluggishly from his cosy blanket den to meet neither Hollow nor Aizen, but a disaster of an entirely different sort—his wife glowering at him with murderous intent glistening on her violet eyes.
The temperature of the room inexorably increased a notch.
"Chappy earmuffs," she said grudgingly, repeatedly counting from one to ten following the advice she read on a woman magazine. She didn't feel her anger diminish at the slightest, though.
"Pardon me?" Ichigo blinked, dumbfounded. The two words didn't quite register in his mind, as if Rukia had spoken Greek to him.
"You better buy me Chappy earmuffs in the afternoon, my lovely husband," Rukia hissed irately. "That, or you will take the couch from now on."
No matter how dissonant the first sentence sounded for Ichigo, the second one had a sobering effect for his brain and he yelped, "Take the couch? But I'm not seeing anyone else, Rukia! I don't know what the girls at work tell you but I swear upon my father's head that you're the only one I love—"
She cut his blabbering by throwing her pillow at him. Ichigo removed the fluffy cushion before it smothered him and shouted, "What's your problem, midget?"
"Dearest husband of mine." Rukia's lips twitched as she went on, "You're the one who is problematic. You breathe loud, really, really loud, and since you flat out refused my idea of getting your nasal cavities fixed, I need the freaking Chappy earmuffs so that I can at least get a decent sleep from now on!"
Rukia looked like she was really losing it. After scrutinising his wife's blackened eyes, bewildered gaze and creased forehead, Ichigo's eyes softened and he sighed in defeat.
"Alright, alright. Now let's go back to sleep, midget."
"Not unless you move over to the couch. I can't stand anymore snoring, Ichigo." Rukia's head hung low in frustration. She felt totally lousy and her spinning head wasn't much of a help. For the sake of keeping peace between the two of them, Ichigo finally decided he would read a book while Rukia continued her previously perturbed slumber.
In the afternoon, Ichigo ended up buying her the Chappy earmuffs and a heap of other Chappy stuff to 'make it up to his wife'. However, much to his dismay, his snoring habit stopped a week after he bought her the earmuffs. How did he know? His petite wife told him cheerfully on one fine morning that she would keep the earmuffs for winter instead because he had stopped snoring and she didn't see any reason to wear it anymore in her sleep.
When Ichigo heard it he couldn't help but wonder whether the whole incident was another product of Rukia's flawless acting façade…
END OF CHAPTER ONE