"It's Buffy..."
That one statement caused my world to crash down around me. I went from
being fairly content, since I was finally overcoming what I am and seeing what
I could be, to being completely lost.
I always thought that I would feel it if something happened to her. I
thought that I would know the instant that her soul was no longer bound to this
earth. But, I didn't. I didn't feel it. I didn't know.
And it hit me like a ton of bricks.
I just knew there had to be an explanation. There was no way that she was
really gone. I could still feel her everywhere around me, inside me. I looked
at Willow, silently begging her to tell me that I was wrong.
Somewhere inside my mind, I realized that I was looking up at her. It was
then that I realized that I had fallen to my knees. Feeling as if I wasn't
myself, like I was an outsider looking in, I looked at my friends. I looked at
Wesley and Cordelia, who had rushed to my side --as always. I looked at Gunn
and Fred, who both looked shaken and confused. Then, I looked at Willow, who
still hadn't told me I was wrong. She also hadn't moved from where she was
standing.
I looked into her eyes and saw the emptiness and pain that I felt swallowing
me whole. Without warning, she began to speak. Her voice was hollow. There was
nothing in it that reminded me of the girl I knew as Buffy's best friend.
"Yesterday, Glory kidnapped Dawn. She needed her blood to open a portal
back into her own dimension. But Dawns blood wouldn't just open her world, it
would open all of the dimensional walls--bring hell to Earth."
"Once the blood began to flow, the only way to close the portal was to
stop the blood flow, kill Dawn. We tried to get there before she started the
ritual, but we failed. Buffy refused to hurt Dawn. She wouldn't sacrifice her
loved one for the world, again."
Willow paused, and finally her eyes seemed to focus, on me. She knew the
pain that her tale was causing me. I nodded slightly, letting her know that it
was all right to continue. She seemed to gather her thoughts momentarily, then
continued.
"At the last minute, Buffy remember what she had been told about Dawn.
The monks used Buffy to make Dawn. That meant that they were the same, shared
the same blood. She jumped into the portal to close it and save the world.
Again."
Tears began to run down her face as she finished, "She did it. The
portal closed and we were all safe. She protected us, one more time."
She walked forward and knelt down in front of me. I slowly reached forward
and pulled her into my arms, trying to bring her comfort and receive some in
return. I felt her tears on my shoulder and realized that I also had tears
running down my face as I listened to her whisper, "I'm so sorry,
Angel", over and over.
After a while, she pulled away and stood up. "I have to get back home.
The funeral is tomorrow night. We wanted you and Spike to be able to attend.
Will you be there?"
I nodded without looking up. I heard Willow speaking to Cordelia and Wesley,
but none it mattered to me. Everything around me was moving in slow motion, and
yet, I couldn't focus on anything. The only thought in my mind was that she was
gone. Everything we went through, and everything we gave up, didn't matter. It
had all been for nothing.
I managed to make it to my feet. I could feel the others' eyes on me, but
there was nothing to say to them. Slowly, I climbed the stairs and made my way
to my room. I made my way here…to my journal.
This is the place that I have documented my life since I left Sunnydale,
left Buffy. It was supposed to be a kind of record, something to show all of
the things that I had gone through to gain my redemption. The things I did to
be worthy of her love and to make my way back to her.
This will be the last entry.
I will continue to fight, continue her fight. She believed in it enough to
give her own life and that's a good enough reason for me to take up her torch.
I will protect her friends; protect the world, all in her name. I'll fight for
her cause.
There will be no more fights for my cause, because it no longer exists.
My reason for fighting is gone.
~Angel
The End