A/N: This is just a little one-shot that I came up with. If you don't like "Tart" stories, please look the other way. I do enjoy seeing Steph paired up with the occasional MM, and this is one of my favorites. Also, I just had to have some fun with Grandma Mazur. LOL So sit back and hopefully enjoy the ride, cause here comes Edna Mazur!
SPOV
My name is Stephanie Plum and I'm in trouble. My whole life is trouble, where do I start? I like my job, but I totally suck at it. I'm a BEA or bounty hunter, and more times than not the criminals I try to run down to get back into the system really do run - away from me that is! And more often than not while I am chasing them down, gasping for air the whole time, I end up rolling around in mud, garbage, vaseline, or some other noxious substance. Even with all my problems, I rarely fail to get my man. Unless it's a social orgasm, those elude me! At one time I had two hot men after me. The first, Joe Morelli, finally gave up on me 6 months ago. He finally figured out that I was never going to be the "perfect Burg" wife he wanted me to be. He could not force me to change by giving up my job and the friends who are so special to me. The other guy, Ranger Manoso, AKA Batman, keeps pushing me away emotionally, only wanting the physical side of the relationship. Friends with benefits, and deep down I know I can never settle for that and I told him so, right before he left to go "in the wind" for his latest mission. He's been gone now for 3 months. We talked before he left, deciding that we needed each other in our lives as friends, but we could never be more. He claims his life is too dangerous, he's made too many enemies in his past and doesn't want to put a target on my back through a romantic association with him. It broke my heart at the time, but I let him have his wayafter all, I deserve complete love and devotion from the man I love and he was just not ready or prepared to give that. So for the last 6 months I have been a romantic outcast, no real dates or fun on a social level. I am ready to change that, that ends now!
But first I have to drag some FTA's back to jail so I can make some money to keep up the rent on my crap apartment. Then whatever I have left over is going to buy me a new outfit, shoes included, for a night out on the town with the girls. Drinking and dancing at the newest club in town, "Caliente' ".
So time to get some of these files cleared. I have four of them in all. Mooner again, I just have to wait for the "Star Trek" re-runs to be over. I'll pick him up later this afternoon. I have two other easy ones up also, Amanda Gibbs, the resident train station bag lady and one of my old favorites, Junior Turley. I'll use grandma to lure him out, she'll enjoy the free show, too! And last up is Bruno Johansen, public drunk extraordinaire. His file says he is 6'6", 329 pounds, white male, 41, receeding brown hair, and from the looks of his mug shot, pudgy dough boy face. I will definitely have to ask for Rangeman back-up for this one.
OK, I can do this, up first is Junior Turley, so I dig out my phone and call my parent's house. I hope grandma pics up, I am so not in the mood to hear my mother whine about my lack of a "normal" life and relationship. I grudgingly call my parent's number and breathe a sigh of relief when my Grandma Mazur picks up.
"Your dime, my time, spill it!" Grandma flings out.
"You know phone calls have gone up to 25 cents now, grandma." I laugh.
"Yea, but I still love using that line. What's up baby grand-daughter?" She asks.
"Well, I was just going after Junior Turley again and I thought you might like to ride along, if you're not busy." I tell her.
"Sure, you know I love seeing a good package, makes my day. When are we leaving?" She says.
"I'll be over in about 10 minutes. I got to feed Rex first." I explain.
"OK, baby girl, I'll see you then." She hangs up.
I laugh to myself as I think about how I just made my grandmother's day. I walk over to my kitchen counter and drop a few raisins and a baby carrot into Rex's red food dish. He pops his head out of his soup can home, stuffs his food in his cheek pouches, twitches his whiskers, turns around and heads back to his home.
'Well I might as well go get this over with.' I think to myself. I pick up my purse, making sure all of my equipment is there first, and that my cell phone and stun-gun are both charged and ready. I pick up my keys and head out, locking up behind myself.
I pull up in front of my parent's house finding my grandmother waiting for me on the front walk, naturally.
"Hey baby girl," she starts. "I love going out with you when you go on a bust. Remember the last time we picked up old Junior Turley? I bet he had rug burn for a week!"
"Yeah," I laughed. "That had to hurt. I just hope this time we can get him in without incident and without hurting ourselves or him."
"Well don't worry baby, I got old Elsie here if things get rough." She says as she pats her black patent leather handbag in her lap.
"No!" I tense up. "No guns, no shooting! He's just a harmless old man."
"HA! You wouldn't say he's harmless if he had that package all hard and coming at you!" She scoffs.
I just roll my eyes and shake my head at her.
This time we try picking him up at his house, instead of a funeral home full of mourners. That was so embarassing, but not the only time I have ever been red from shame, nor the last probably. I drive the 5 blocks up and 7 blocks east to reach his house, which is barely out of the "Burg" limits.
I pull up on the edge of his lawn by the sidewalk and put my POS Escort in park. I look over at Grandma and warn her one final time. "No guns, leave Elsie out of this!"
I drag myself out of the vehicle with Grandma tagging behind me. We cautiously approach the door. I raise my hand and knock firmly, while calling out, "Mr. Turley, it's Stephanie Plum, you missed your court date again and I have to take you to the station to get rebonded."
I hear shuffling noises behind the door, then the locks finally click open. I can't help but heave a huge sigh as the door slowly opens to reveal Junior in all his naked glory, of course!
"Hey chickie, you come to feast your eyes on my fine self again. You didn't get enough last time, did you?" He laughs.
"I sure enjoyed the view last time, I'll say." Grandma says as she clacks her dentures around and ogles Junior's nakedness.
"Grandma!" I shriek. "Junior, just get some pants on and I'll drive you to the station, please."
"Oh, OK, I guess I can go willingly this time. Last time you took me in my junk was on fire for 5 damn days!" Junior sighs.
I follow Junior in and watch his saggy ass, damn that image is gonna be burned in my brain for a week, walk back to his bedroom. He grabs a pair of Dockers and pulls them on with a dingy T-shirt, and calls himself ready to go.
We have no trouble dropping Junior off at the station and re-bonding him out, Connie was kind enough to meet me there. And this time I didn't get any slack from the officers on duty either, Yah! I gathered up my body receipt and head out.
"That was fun baby girl. Can we do it again?" Grandma asks.
"Sure, I have another one to pick up, but I'm going to have to ask one of the guys at Rangeman to help on this one, he is huge and a drunk. If he's passed out, there's no way I'm going to be able to pick him up and get him in the car. And having a Rangeman with us will keep you safe." I tell Grandma, giving in this time because I know we will both be safe and I know this is an exciting adventure for her and will give her gossip for the ladies at the Clip and Curl for a while to come.
I pick up my phone and dial the Rangeman main office number. Hal picks up with the customary Rangeman greeting.
"Rangeman Co., this is Hal. How may I help you or direct your call?"
"Hal, it's Steph." I start.
"Hey, Bomber, how are you? And what can I do for you today?" Hal asks.
"I'm about to pick up a real stinker of a FTA and I need some back-up. Who's available?" I wonder.
"Well, all the guys on duty are out looking at accounts. But I know one that is off today and will probably be more than happy to help you out, Woody." He says.
"OK, I'll hold for a minute while you call him and ask him if he is busy." I tell Hal.
"OK, Bomber, I'll be right back with ya." He tells me.
After being on hold for exactly 33 seconds, Hal comes back on the line. "You're all set Bomber, Woody will meet you in the garage here in 15 minutes. He said he needed a little excitment today." Hal laughs out loud.
"K, thanks Hal, I'll be there in a few. Later sweetie." I say as I hang up and imagine Hal's red face as I giggle.
Exactly 9 minutes later I pull into the underground garage at Rangeman and see Woody standing at parade rest beside one of the company SUVs.
"Hey handsome, at ease!" I laugh at my own joke.
"Funny darlin', so you need my help today? Who are we going after?" Woody asks.
"Yes, I need some Rangeman back up for this guy. And I'm glad it's you." I say as I hand Woody the file to peruse.
He quickly reads through it and replies. "He doen't look violent, but he is huge. I think we should take on of the SUV's, we will need the room to haul him in and the leg shackles will help alot too."
"I'm willing to go along with anything you want, you're in charge here." I tell him.
I notice his blue eyes darken slightly and a strange emotion flicker across his face before his blank face is quickly back.
"Let's get this show on the road then. And I see we have Ms. Edna riding along too." He says.
"Yepp, she rode along with me to bring in Junior Turley and wanted to join us here too. I thought it would be OK since we have Rangeman's finest with us." I tell him.
"Not a problem, this guy should be easy to tag." Woody comments.
With that he climbs in the driver's seat, of course, and I climb in the front passenger seat with Grandma in the rear. We pull out of the garage and are on our way.
"How about programming the address into the GPS for me, darlin'." Woody says.
"Sure," I say as I reach over and begin to punch the numbers in.
Eight minutes later we are pulling up to Bruno's dilapidated house on the west side of town near Stark street. I shiver in my seat at the sight of it.
"You OK?" Woody asks.
"Yea, let's get this over with." I cringe.
We all pile out of the vehicle, trudging our way up the filthy walkway to the even worse screened-in porch. I tentatively raise my hand to knock. Woody chuckles beside me.
"You have to do it with authority, darlin'. Here let me show you." He explains as he raises his hand to pound on the door while shouting. "Bruno Johansen, open up, bond enforcement!"
"You know that would make me run like hell!" I joke.
"You would run from me darlin'?" He asks with mischief in his eyes.
I blush furiously and look away. I hear him chuckle lightly. We are broken out of our trances by the clicking of the door opening. Bruno Johansen is just as gross as his mug shot suggests. He is dressed in a yellowing wife beater t-shirt and dingy torn up jeans. I feel the bile begin to rise in my throat because the smell emanating from him is not much better.
"Who the hell are you and what do you want?" He slurs.
"Great," I whisper to Woody. "He's three sheets to the wind."
"You need to come with us, turn around and put your hands behind your back." Woody says with authority.
"Bite me, prick!" Bruno staggers as he takes a swing at Woody.
Woody's cat-like reflexes are a little off today, because as Bruno staggers forward from his misled punch, he tumbles into Woody trying to use his pants to keep himself up. The next sight will be burned into my memory for years to come. As Bruno falls forward with his giant-like grip on Woody's cargos, I hear a ripping sound. Next thing you know Grandma and I have a bird's eye view of a naked Woody from his knees up to his belly button. You guessed it, looks like ALL of Rangeman goes commando.
"Wow, what a package, no hairy monkey balls there!" Grandma states.
Woody turns three shades of red from beet to crimson, as he quickly covers himself with his hands. As I turn around from embarassment with my stun-gun in my hand I tag Bruno on the arm and render him unconscious. I slowly turn back to Woody and ask. "Do you have anything in the SUV that you can change into, those pants are ruined."
"Yea," he says as he starts to walk back to the trunk of the SUV and I am treated to a marvelous view of Woody's backside, tight and edible, just like I thought.
I leave Woody with a little privacy to slip on some more pants, which happen to be a pair of black Rangeman sweat pants. After what I think is a safe amount of time passes, I timidly walk back to the rear of the SUV.
"You ok?" I ask Woody.
"Yea, takes more than that to ruffle me." He says.
I lean in to whisper in his ear. "I really liked what I saw, too."
"And you can see it again anytime you want to, darlin', just let me know when and where." Woody says with a definate twinkle and darkening in his eyes and for the first time I notice an adorable dimple in his right cheek. My heart stutters and I feel a rush of wetness between my legs, oh my! And another pair of panties go up in flames!
"Well I guess we're done here. Let's grab Bruno and heft him into the back and shackle him down for the ride to the cop shop." I sigh.
We drag him over to the car and settle him in for the ride downtown. We all pile in our selected seats and hunker down for the ride. We pull into the station parking lot 14 minutes later and go to the back door to drop of our still unconscious cargo. It takes a couple more cops on duty to help Woody drag him inside. I am now too pooped to lift a finger. We get him booked in and settled into his cell for the night to sober up and I pick up my body receipt.
We head out the rear door to take Grandma back home. We are quiet fot the whole trip, even Grandma. Woody pulls up and puts the vehicle in park. Grandma eases herself out of the back seat.
"I had a great time today baby girl. We have to do that again sometime. Now I have tons of news for the girls at the beauty shop. And it's not everyday that I get to see two great packages!" Grandma brags.
"I'll see you later Grandma. I may come over for dinner next week." I tell her.
After Grandma is safely tucked inside my parent's house, we head back to Rangeman to pick up my POS car. I notice that for most of the drive Woody is in the Rangeman driving zone and not talking, not surprising. As we pull into the garage level and park the SUV, Woody finally speaks.
"So what do you have planned for tonight, darlin'?"
"Just thought I would go out with the girls for a little dancing and drinking and living it up at the new night club on the north side of town, you know the one, "Caliente' ". I tell him.
"Yea, I've heard about it. Do you mind if I join you tonight and will you save me a dance or ten?" He asks.
"Yes, I think I would really like that, you can have as many dances as you want." I reply.
Woody leans in and gives me a chaste kiss on the cheek. "I'll see you later tonite then darlin'."
"Looking forward to it, my southern knight." I wink.
I step out of the SUV and wiggle my way over to my POS Escort, yeah, I know I'm a tremendous tease. That is if the look Woody had on his face in my rearview mirror was anything to go by. I crank over the engine and head on to my apartment. I only have 2hours to make myself look HOT!
One hour and 49 minutes later I am standing in front of my full length mirror on my closet door looking at what I have come up with for the night. I chose a deep red wrap dress with a plunging neckline to show off what little cleavage I have, and a hemline that stops 2 inches short of slut. I add my new red 4-inch sling-backs. I look damn fine if I do say so myself. Look out world, mama is out for a good time tonight!
I pick up my red clutch bag and load it with the bare essentials, keys, wallet, lipgloss, and a small comb. I take out my keys and lock up as I close the door behind me.
I pull into the parking lot at the club 18 minutes later, it is packed. I notice a couple of shiny black SUV's. 'Great, I got some Merry Man company tonight.' I think. I get out of the car and walk my way through the throng of people to get inside. I stand off to the side of the door for a few minutes to let my eyes adjust to the low lighting.
I soon make my way over to the bar area. I hear someone shout out my name over the bass thump of the music.
"Hey white girl, get your ass over here! We done started without you." Lula yells.
"In a minute, let me get a drink!" I shout back.
I order a cosmo and make my way over to the dark table in the corner that Lula, Connie, and a few Merry Men have taken over. I smile at the friendly faces I see. There are more there than I was expecting. Woody, Hal, Bobby, Junior, Vince, Cal, Zero, and of course, Lester are smiling back up at me.
"You know you have to save each one of us a dance, don't you, beautiful?" Lester wiggles his eyebrows.
"Anyone but you Les!" I throw back at him.
"Aw, beautiful you wound me so." He mock pouts.
"Sorry Les, I have promised the first dance out already, right my southern knight?" I grin.
"That's right, darlin', and I intend to collect more than that promised one!" Woody claims.
I demurely glide down into the only available seat left, taking precautions to keep my skirt down. I just happen to be sitting between Woody and Les. Bobby is right to the right of Les.
"So, when do I get that first dance, darlin'?" Woody inquires.
"Let me finish this first drink and I'm all yours." I wink.
Woody flashed his wolf-grin at me complete with dimple, and I swear my panties melted. I am in for a great time tonight! I took a big swig of my cosmo to calm my tight throat, it was so dry all of a sudden and so very warm in here. And I feel it is going to get a hell of a lot hotter before the night is over!
I finish up my cosmo and look over to Woody, of course he is eyeing me hungrily. He holds out his hand as he grins broadly and asks. "Ready for that first dance, darlin'?"
"Lead the way, gorgeous." I say saucily.
Woody takes my hand and leads me to the crowded dance floor. He takes me in his arms and my breath hitches. For the next 3 songs I am drawn into a whole new world in Woody's strong embrace. I barely register Les's voice in our midst.
"Hey beautiful, when do I get my turn? Woody has taken up enough of your time for now."
"Sure if I must." I laugh.
Lester pushes Woody to the side as he takes my waist. I allow Les to twirl me around the dance floor for a couple of songs.
"OK Les, I need a break. I'm thirsty." I complain.
We file off over to the bar. We order another drink, another cosmo for me and a double shot of whiskey for Les. We make our way back to the table. After we down our drinks, I give each of the other Merry Men their turn at a dance. Woody walks up and taps Vince on the shoulder. I smile widely as Vince bows out. I am taken back into his wonderful arms, safe and sound again.
Before I realize it, we have been dancing together for nearly and hour and a half. I have started to feel things that I never thought I would feel before, well at least for Woody. My damn Hungarian hormones have been brought roaring to life. I can hardly believe the words coming out of my mouth or the sultriness of my voice. Was that me?
"Now, please."
"Now what,darlin'?" He asks.
I lean in close to his ear and sigh. "I want to see it again, now."
"You got it, darlin' , on one condition. You stay and have breakfast with me in the morning." He offers.
I look up at him with utter abandon. "Let's go then, my southern knight. If you want I am forever your darlin'."
We stroll out across the parking lot hand-in-hand to his awaiting SUV, and to a better life ahead for me anyway. ###
A/N : Please review and let me know what you think of this one. I just had to have some fun with Grandma and one of my favorite Merry Men, Woody!
Thank-you in advance,
Rain (Jackie)