Time for Change Oneshot, a twilight fanfic

Time for Change

As the flames coursed through my body and I called on every ounce of my willpower to keep from screaming, I was tortured suddenly by an onslaught of doubts. What if I had made the wrong choice? What if Edward really didn't want me to be part of his world? What if he left because he couldn't imagine being tied to me for the rest of eternity? What if I would never be good enough for him?

I placed my hand on Jake's cheek and said the most difficult words I'd had to say so far, "Goodbye, Jake. I'm sorry." The words seemed simple, but there wasn't much left to say. We'd been saying goodbye for over an hour, and I knew that Jake was not going to let me walk away easily.

He looked at me, eyes filled with sorrow. He pulled my hand from his face and placed it on his chest; I could feel the strong beat of his heart and the heat emanating from his skin, reminders of what I was giving up. "Please, Bella," he begged. "Don't go. Don't do this."

I wrapped my arms around his waist and hugged him with all my might. Then I leaned up and kissed him on the cheek. "It's going to be OK. I promise," I assured him.

A tear slid down the side of his face as he realized that there was nothing he could do to make me stay. "How can it be OK when we're not together? I love you, Bella."

"Oh, Jake," I hugged him tighter and tried to keep my composure. "I love you, too. But it's just not enough. I'll never be able to love you the way that you deserve to be loved. I've tried, and I wish I could change. But my heart belongs to someone else, and before I can move on, I have to be certain that there is absolutely no hope left. It wouldn't be fair for me to love you with less than my whole heart – you deserve better than that! You deserve better than me."

We'd been over this and over this. I knew how much I was hurting him, and I hated myself for it. And I knew that he was holding on to the hope that I would be able to return his affections someday. But I didn't think that was going to happen. It had been a year, and nothing had changed for me. I still loved him (I still had a hard time even thinking his name.) as much as I ever had. Jacob was wonderful in every way, and if I had met him under different circumstances, I had no doubt that I could have loved him intimately. But I had given my heart away, and I could not get it back.

I truly hoped that Jacob would be able to find someone else to love. I couldn't imagine the girl that was good enough to deserve him, but I prayed that he would find his imprint, the woman he was destined to be with. That he could find true happiness with someone who wasn't always going to be waiting and hoping that her first love would come back to her.

I had not come to this decision lightly. It had been six months since Jacob had pulled me from the water after my little cliff diving incident. He had saved my life, and I would be forever grateful to him for that. He had loved me despite my brokenness, and as we spent time together after that, I began to come out of the stupor that I had been in ever since he left. Jacob had helped me to feel alive again, but no matter how I tried I could not return his feelings in the way that he needed me to. But in a way, the time I had spent with Jacob had given me the courage to do what I was about to do.

"Bella, please," he implored again, not trying to hide the agony he was feeling. But he knew that there was nothing left to say; my mind was made up.

I reached up to hug his neck, and he pulled me close one last time. I didn't try to hide my tears; I wanted him to know that this was not easy for me either. I couldn't speak over the lump in my throat, and I could barely see through the cascade of tears. But I looked into Jake's eyes one last time before I turned away. I stumbled to my car and turned on the engine. I was in no condition to drive, but I knew that if I sat there for too long, I might never go. So, I wiped my face resolutely, buckled my seatbelt, and put the car in drive. Jake hadn't moved, but I couldn't bear to look at him, to see the anguish on his face. I just hoped he knew how much I wished I could stay.

I had left my old truck at Charlie's house and was driving my "new" 2004 Honda Civic. Since I had been living in a fog for the past year, I hadn't spent any of the money I'd made working at Newton's Olympic Outfitters. And with no college plans or need for my college fund, I figured a safer car was at least a step in the direction of adulthood. Of course he would never have approved, for a number of reasons. College was ridiculously high on his list of priorities, and the car didn't go double the speed limit without maxing out the RPM's. But he wasn't around now, was he?

Saying goodbye to Charlie had been tough, not nearly as tough as saying goodbye to Jake, but tough in a different way. I hated leaving Charlie alone to fend for himself. I dreaded thinking of him eating every meal at the diner and coming home to an empty house every night. But we had both known that I wouldn't be staying forever; that had made the separation easier.

I knew he was disappointed that I hadn't made college a priority and that I hadn't worked harder at building a relationship with Jake. But I think he was glad to finally see me do something. The last year had been really hard for him; I hadn't realized how hard until just a couple of months ago when I started gaining some perspective on the haze that had been my life since he left.

It all started when I had happened upon the birthday presents from my 18th birthday. Charlie had finally caved and decided to do a little remodeling with his tax refund. Shortly after my high school graduation, he was having the hardwood floors refinished, which involved moving all of the furniture out of my bedroom. In the process, we uncovered a loose floor panel which contained the CD he had made me, the plane tickets from Carlisle and Esme which had expired, and the pictures of him I had originally placed in the scrapbook my mom had given me.

After the shock of finding those things wore off, I began to start thinking. What if he hadn't really wanted to leave? What if in some sick, twisted way he thought he was doing what was best for me? If he hadn't cared about me at all, he would have thrown the gifts away, right? Why leave them if he didn't want to leave part of himself with me?

There was a time that I would have bet every cent I had on the fact that he loved me. Could I have been so wrong? As I began processing these new ideas, the floodgates opened, and I remembered clearly all of the many times he had said he loved me. I remembered how he had sworn to stay with me as long as it was good for me. I remembered how convincingly he had talked of ending his life if anything ever happened to me.

And I began to formulate a plan. Well, I had the beginnings of a plan. First, I had to see Alice.

I knew there was no way the Cullens would go to Los Angeles, like the charade they made up as their excuse for leaving Forks. It was way too sunny, and it wasn't Esme's kind of place. In the end, they hadn't been that hard to find. Medicine was Carlisle's life, and I knew he would be associated with some sort of hospital or medical practice. So I did a simple internet search and found Carlisle's name among the new faculty at Cornell University and the new hires at the Cayuga Medical Center in Ithaca, NY. I knew Esme would be with Carlisle, but I had no idea of the whereabouts of the rest of the family. Alice and Jasper and Rosalie and Emmett could have gone anywhere. Searches of their names had yielded no results. I hadn't been able to bring myself to Google his name.

So, here I was. Driving 2987 miles from Forks, Washington to Ithaca, New York in my 2004 Honda Civic in hopes that I might be able to find Carlisle, who might be able to help me find Alice, who might be able to give me the answers that I needed in order to help me decide what to do next.

As the miles passed, I began to wonder if I had lost my mind. The plan had seemed good when I was forming it. Now it seemed a little nutty. He had obviously warned them to stay far, far away from me. No one had called or written or shown up at my doorstep. Maybe I was just a blip on their eternal timeline. Maybe…

I gripped the steering wheel tighter, trying to find my resolve. You have to do this, Bella. Even if it ends badly, you have to know that you didn't take his leaving lying down. You have a right to fight for what you want, dammit.

I sucked in a deep breath, wiped my sweaty palms on the legs of my blue jeans and strode over to the door to his office. The name plate next to his door read "Carlisle Cullen, PhD".

I knocked softly, knowing that his supersonic hearing would easily pick the noise out from the commotion in the academic hall.

"Come in," he said clearly, and I sighed at the musical quality of his voice.

I fumbled briefly with the knob, but finally managed to swing the door open. "Hello, Carlisle," I managed to squeak. I had absolutely no idea what to expect, and I felt as if my entire future were hanging in the balance.

As he looked up from his papers, recognition hit and I was greeted with the ethereal smile that I had been hoping so much to see.

"Bella!" he exclaimed. He moved from behind his desk to gather me into a quick hug before closing the door behind us. "What are you doing here?" His tone wasn't one of condescension or disapproval; it was as if he was merely very curious.

I hadn't really thought through this part of my plan. I had spent so much energy just working up the courage to take the last steps to his office, that I hadn't had time to consider what was next. "I need your help," was the best I could manage.

He motioned for me to have a seat, and instead of returning to the chair behind his desk, he sat down next to me. His face was attentive, his posture open. I remembered how much Edward had admired him, and I remembered also how much I had longed to become part of this man's family. His kindness and generosity showed no bounds, and it was these qualities that gave me the strength to pour out my story.

I told him about the year since they had left, the pain I had endured, the haze I had lived in, the anger I had begun to feel over the last months as the nothingness had begun to fade. I explained in words that could never do it justice the love that I felt for him and my need to fight for us.

As I ended, I said, "I just wanted you to know my side. I don't think he was fair to me, and I've decided that he's not the only one who gets to decide what happens to us."

Carlisle nodded, amused, if not a little surprised, by my determination. "So, what are you going to do?"

"Well, I was hoping you could put me in touch with Alice. I need to talk to her. And then I may have a serious proposition for all of you."

His eyes widened, and I wondered if he guessed where this was leading.

"I'm sure Alice is at the house," he said. "She and Jasper are living with us. She's going to be thrilled to see you."

"I hope so," I sighed. "I know I'm risking causing a lot of problems by coming here."

"Don't worry about us. We can handle Edward." My heart skipped a beat at the sound of his name, and I knew that Carlisle had heard it. "To be honest, I was very disappointed in his decision. I tried to talk him out of leaving, but he was adamant. In the end I had to respect his wishes."

"Is he. . . here?"

"No," Carlisle shook his head and gave me a wistful glance. "We haven't seen him in months."

"Oh." I began to panic as I considered the implications of this news. Maybe he was with someone else. Maybe…

Carlisle placed a cold hand on my arm. "Don't worry, Bella. He just wanted to be alone."

I breathed a sigh of relief. "Do you think he misses me at all?"

"I know it without a doubt."

I wasn't nearly as nervous about seeing Alice, and I was excited to see Esme again. I followed the directions Carlisle had given me to their new house and wondered why I was amazed when I reached the end of their drive. I should have expected nothing less than the magnificence that greeted me.

Alice bounded down the steps and practically yanked me from my car. I should have known she would see me coming! I hadn't had to consider her visions in a long time, but I was thrilled at the excitement with which she greeted me. We hugged each other and jumped up and down like schoolgirls. I had missed her so much!

She dragged me inside to see Esme, who pulled me into a motherly hug before apologizing for not having any food in the house. I exclaimed over how beautiful the house was and tried not to look too obvious as I scoured the house for any sign of him.

Finally, Alice pulled me up to her room. I know she was tempted to just pick me up and carry me herself, but she settled for yanking my arm and half-dragging me up the stairs.

She told me that she had seen me coming but because of other visions she had had of me, she wasn't sure of the timing or whether or not it was just something I had been thinking about. She had seen flickers of me over the past year, but she had given up on relying on what she had seen. Too much was fuzzy or out-of-focus or just absent altogether.

We talked endlessly about Jacob. How he had saved my life on several occasions - when Laurent tried to kill me in the meadow, when I had nearly drowned after going cliff diving, and again a few weeks later when Victoria had returned. How he had come to terms with his werewolf nature. How he had helped me to feel alive again, when all I had really wanted to feel was nothing. I even explained to her how hard it had been for me to leave him, even knowing that I couldn't love him like he deserved to be loved.

Then we got to the tougher subjects. I was finally able to mutter Edward's name as I explained to Alice how much I missed him, how the year that we had been apart hadn't done anything to lessen the love I felt for him. I explained that I wanted to fight for him, and I needed her help.

The funny thing about talking to Alice is that I get the feeling that she already knows everything I'm telling her, most everything anyway. She knew what I wanted when I came, and she had already made up her mind to help me. God, I love that girl!

With Alice by my side, I was beginning to feel more and more confident. Now we had to convince Carlisle.

Alice called a family meeting as soon as Carlisle arrived home from work that evening. As soon as everyone was assembled – Carlisle, Esme, Jasper, and Alice – I was given the floor. I was thankful that Emmett and Rosalie were currently living away from the rest of the family somewhere in Europe; their presence wouldn't have helped my nerves or my cause, I was sure.

I cleared my throat and began with a shaky voice. "I am so happy to see all of you again," I managed a slight smile and was greeted with nothing but loving looks in return. "I've missed you all so much! I've come here because I've decided that Edward is not the only one who gets to make decisions about my life. I love him, and I want to fight for him, for us. But I also want to become part of your world. I know that Edward would never approve, but this is what I want. I need to know if you all will have me."

I paused, eager to know what everyone was thinking. I knew Alice was ready and willing, but I had no idea about anyone else.

Carlisle spoke up first. "Bella, I know you've wanted this for a long time. Honestly, I've never known anyone to choose this life, and there's no protocol for this kind of situation. There's no turning back from this decision, Bella. Are you sure this is what you want?"

I gulped. "Yes, I'm sure. I've said goodbye to Charlie and to Jacob, and if you will have me, I'm ready."

Carlisle pushed back from the table and came to stand in front of me. He put his hands on my shoulders. "Bella, there's one question that I have to ask you. And I hope you won't think me a heartless monster for voicing these thoughts. If things don't work out with Edward, are you prepared to live for eternity without him?"

Tears immediately sprang to my eyes as I considered the possibility, but I couldn't be angry with Carlisle for asking the question. It certainly was something to consider. The last year without Edward had been torture; I couldn't imagine an eternity. I prayed that once I was changed Edward would realize that we were meant to be together, but I had to be prepared for the possibility that I could spend eternity without him. But as I looked at the faces of the rest of the family, I took courage. If they wanted me, I could deal with whatever the future held.

I drew in a deep breath. "Yes, I am. I love him more than life itself, and just the possibility of being with him forever is worth the sacrifice to me. But if he decides that he does not want me, I still want this life. I've dreamt of nothing more than being part of this world since Edward first introduced me to you. I admit, my desire to be with Edward is a big part of my decision. But I've always known that I don't belong in the real world. I don't fit in. I belong here. It's what I want."

Carlisle nodded and gave me a reassuring grin. He winked at Alice, and everyone knew his mind had been made up. Esme stood up and gathered me in her arms, and Jasper gave Alice a hug.

It looked like I was finally going to get what I had been waiting for. I was both relieved and terrified at the same time.

The time had come; the preparations had been made. Carlisle had researched and planned, and he had gathered the necessary provisions. I honestly didn't want to know all of the details. I was prepared for the pain; I had experienced a hint of it at James's hand. I wasn't looking forward to it, but knowing that it was only temporary helped ease my mind a bit.

I was sad that it would not be Edward who would change me. I had to let go of the fantasies that I had held about having him love me enough to act to keep me forever. Knowing that he would not be present to witness my conversion helped to ease the pain a bit. I had never wanted him to watch me suffer.

On September 16, 2007, exactly one year after Edward left me, I began the transition. Carlisle put me to sleep to begin the process, but eventually the sedatives wore off. The pain was excruciating; not a cell in my body escaped the burning.

Finally the pain began to leave my body, first from my fingertips and toes. It worked its way toward my heart until I felt like it would explode. And then it was gone.

The transition was remarkably easy, and everyone was amazed at how quickly I adjusted. Carlisle couldn't decide if my adjustment was due to the "glitch" in my brain or if it had something to do with my willpower and desire to become a vampire. In any case, he was fascinated.

Very soon I was ready for the next step of my plan. I had to face Edward. I had to fight for us.

I arrived on Isle Esme in the middle of the night. I had followed Carlisle's directions, relieved that I at least knew where to find Edward. I had to call on all of my new senses to surprise him, but I wanted the moment to be special.

I was giddy with excitement and nerves. Having more room in my mind only served to make me crazier as I imagined many different scenarios for how this might go.

When I arrived at the house, Edward was gone. I assumed that he was out hunting or doing something else to pass the time. I let myself in, and I was pleasantly surprised at the scent that greeted me. I had always loved Edward's scent, but with my vampire senses it was magnified ten-fold. For a moment I closed my eyes and pretended that he was there with me. I could not wait to see him again. Even if he rejected me, everything I had been through would be worth it to see him again.

I felt empowered. All of the weakness and frailty that I had felt at his leaving had vanished. I had taken matters into my own hands, refusing to sit around any longer and feel sorry for myself. I was a different person than the Bella that he had abandoned. The question was whether he would accept me as more of an equal or if he would reject me because I was no longer weak and human. Had he loved me for me? Or had he loved protecting and taking care of me?

I had brought along the CD that he had made me for my birthday, and I inserted it into the CD player. As it began to play, I took a tour of the house. I wandered through the rooms, smiling as I saw Esme's touches everywhere. As I made my way to the back bedroom, I smelled Edward's scent in a more potent concentration. He had been spending a lot of time here. I noticed a stack of books next to the bed, and I imagined him passing endless hours with the classics. Then I noticed a photo leaning against the bedside lamp. I laughed as I remembered the night it was taken, the night I had first begged Edward to change me. Prom. It seemed like a lifetime ago.

But the small memento gave me hope. He hadn't forgotten about me.

Seconds later I heard the front door of the house open. I heard a sudden intake of breath as he registered the music he was hearing. I wondered what he was thinking. I steeled myself. This was it; there was no turning back.

I made my way back to the living room and paused in the doorway. I took in the sight of Edward, frozen in place. I was seeing him for the first time through new eyes, and I was amazed at how much my human eyes had been missing. He was absolutely perfect. His bronze hair had been ruffled by the breeze, and his shirt hung unbuttoned over his perfectly muscled chest.

As I looked into his eyes, I wished I could read his mind. I saw shock, sadness, relief, and amazement, all at the same time. I wanted to speak, but at the sight of him I lost all words.

"Bella," he breathed. "What have you done?"

He wasn't harsh or critical, amazed seemed more like it.

I swallowed and tried to calm my hands, which had begun to shake. "I'm not sorry, Edward. I know this isn't what you wanted for me, but I needed to do this for me. I know you don't believe it, but your world is where I belong."

He took a step toward me, still looking at me as if I were a mirage. "But how. . . ?" he whispered.

"Carlisle. I made him promise not to tell you."

A brief flicker of something moved behind Edward's eyes, but I couldn't tell if it was anger or something else. He just stood there, dumbfounded, and I struggled to call back the words I had planned on saying.

"Edward, I love you. If you tell me that you still don't want me, I'll leave. But I won't have any regrets. I did what I needed to do for myself.

"If you left me because I wasn't good enough for you or because you didn't think we belonged together, then I'll walk away now and you won't have to worry about seeing me ever again. But if you really left me because you feared for my safety or because you didn't want to risk my soul, then those points are moot. I'm here, and I love you. And you can have me forever. It's your decision."

He took another step toward me, but his face was unreadable. Minutes passed, and he didn't say anything. I was just about ready to head for the door when his eyes met mine. "I just can't believe it," he whispered.

He reached out to touch my face, and his hand felt like silk. I leaned into his touch, which wasn't cold or hard, and I realized that I would normally be blushing under these circumstances. So much had changed, but it was as if we were finally where we were meant to be all along.

I moved to close the space between us, and I snaked my arm around his waist. "You're scaring me, Edward," I chastised him gently. "What are you thinking?"

As he replied, his breath washed over my face, and my head whirled. I was glad to know that hadn't changed. "Bella, there's so much that I need to say. I don't know where to start."

I ran my fingers from his Adam's apple to his stomach. "How about, 'I don't want you to go.'?"

He growled a low, sexy growl, and pulled me into him. He leaned his forehead on mine and said earnestly, "I don't want you to go."

In that moment everything else fell away. We still had some issues to work through, but the knowledge that he still wanted me was all that I needed. I could live with whatever else was coming, as long as we could face it together.

As he pressed his body up against mine, electric tremors shook us both. We didn't have to speak, and for once we didn't have to be careful. As his mouth captured mine, Edward's body spoke the desire and the longing that he had for me. Our tongues danced together passionately as our hands rediscovered and memorized every inch of one another.

It was loving and passionate and forgiving and promising, all at the same time. It was spontaneous and unscripted and absolutely perfect.