Wild. er. "Magic" in a nutshell
And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, the eagerly awaited first installment of 'the immortals in a nutshell!'
Disclaimer: We own none of it! None! Except, of course, the energizer bunny.
Once upon a time there was a pedophile- wait, Numair's not in this story yet. Anyways, there was this girl. Named Daine (of no relation to Dane from Tusaine who's brother was Bane) who ran away from home and was raised by wolves and Carnies. No wonder she turned out so well. And then there was this chick named Onau. And Onau was like "What the hell is a chick?"
And the Mother Goddess, who does not appear in this story, was all like "There is no hell!"
And daine was like "Weeeee, I'm an impoverished kid who was raised by carnies and world vision hasn't been invented yet"
And onau was like "I have a shit-ass name, it sounds like Miles's fief. I could have had a cool name like Thayet or Alanna, but noooo. What the hell is an 'Onau'?"
And daine was like "Who are you talking to?"
And Onau was like "The voices, the voices in my head. They tell me what to do."
And daine was all like "Ummm, you know the white powder in the plastic bags? It ain't sugar."
And onau was like "Hark, do I hear the sweet mating call of the energizer bunny! It approcheth!"
And daine was like "Uh, ok. Will you feed me?"
And onau was like "Yes, energizer bunny, whatever you say."
And daine was all like "Well, it ain't no cave with wolves and carnies, but it'll have to do."
And then cloud was all like "Hey, you ass-wankers! You forgot about me!"
And onau was like "at least 'Cloud' means something. What in the hell is an onau?"
And faithful was like "Hey, they forgot about me in the first series too. We should start an animal lobby. We are the animal union!"
And fancies was like "hey, aren't you dead?"
And faithful was like "aren't you dead?"
And francis was like "Trippy! The cat is talking!"
And jonathan ran naked through Galla saying "support the animal lobby! Support the animal lobby!"
And daine was all like "all right. that was odd. Let's move on with the story now and get to a part that's atually important."
So they rode gloriously into the sunset towards the ever-vesant city of Corus.
And then a big black bird ran into a tree because he was on drugs.
And daine was all like "Wow, that thing is stupider than the dude who runs our country."
And then jonathan was all like "support the animal lobby- ouch, buggering thistle!"
And daine was all like "don't you have any actual responsibilities?"
And jon was like "No, I delegate them to other people so I can go prancing naked in the woods."
And daine was like "this country has curious customes."
And onau was like "Daine, could you "fix" the bird? But don't think too much about the bird because you might uncover the secret- which the bird doesn't have, because it's just a bird" *eyes slant suspiciously from side to side.* "just a bird."
And daine was like "is it normal in this country for birds to spontainiously change into naked men?"
And onau was like "yes. Yes it is."
And numair was like "hey, babe, what's your sign? Do you want me to teach you 'magic?'"
And daine was like "it might be a bit more subtle if you were wearing cloths when you asked the question."
And daine was like "onau, who the hell is this?"
And onau was like "he's my friend. Just a friend." *eyes slant suspiciously from side to side* "we go way back, as friends."
And then some stuff happened and daine went to pirates swoop where she took a dip in the ocean, nearly killing herself (wait, she did kill herself and francis was like "yay, I have a new friend." But numair brought her back to life (well, actually alanna did) and francis was like "awww.") and daine summoned a kraken (that's in this book, right? Mmmmm. kraken. I think I would have white wine with that. mmm. alcohol.)
And the kraken ate a bunch of evil pirate dudes and then he was like "I demand over time for this, because I am a member of the animal lobby."
And jon was all like "yay, kraken! Peace, my brother!"
And then the other animals were like "yes, we demand workers confensation and health benefits."
And alanna was like "screw that idea."
And alanna was like "look. I am pregnant with twins and dairy queen hasn't been invented yet and we're out of pickles. Get the hell off my property!"
And all the animals left.
And numair was all like "good job daine. Would you like some puppies? Or candy, I have candy. You'll have lots of candy if you get into my van."
And daine was all like "Ok! I'm young and naïve. I also enjoy pick- nicks and long walks in the park discussing poetry and my feelings."
And so they went off together. The end.
PS- oh, yeah, and a bunch of shit happened with the immortals. The end.
And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, the eagerly awaited first installment of 'the immortals in a nutshell!'
Disclaimer: We own none of it! None! Except, of course, the energizer bunny.
Once upon a time there was a pedophile- wait, Numair's not in this story yet. Anyways, there was this girl. Named Daine (of no relation to Dane from Tusaine who's brother was Bane) who ran away from home and was raised by wolves and Carnies. No wonder she turned out so well. And then there was this chick named Onau. And Onau was like "What the hell is a chick?"
And the Mother Goddess, who does not appear in this story, was all like "There is no hell!"
And daine was like "Weeeee, I'm an impoverished kid who was raised by carnies and world vision hasn't been invented yet"
And onau was like "I have a shit-ass name, it sounds like Miles's fief. I could have had a cool name like Thayet or Alanna, but noooo. What the hell is an 'Onau'?"
And daine was like "Who are you talking to?"
And Onau was like "The voices, the voices in my head. They tell me what to do."
And daine was all like "Ummm, you know the white powder in the plastic bags? It ain't sugar."
And onau was like "Hark, do I hear the sweet mating call of the energizer bunny! It approcheth!"
And daine was like "Uh, ok. Will you feed me?"
And onau was like "Yes, energizer bunny, whatever you say."
And daine was all like "Well, it ain't no cave with wolves and carnies, but it'll have to do."
And then cloud was all like "Hey, you ass-wankers! You forgot about me!"
And onau was like "at least 'Cloud' means something. What in the hell is an onau?"
And faithful was like "Hey, they forgot about me in the first series too. We should start an animal lobby. We are the animal union!"
And fancies was like "hey, aren't you dead?"
And faithful was like "aren't you dead?"
And francis was like "Trippy! The cat is talking!"
And jonathan ran naked through Galla saying "support the animal lobby! Support the animal lobby!"
And daine was all like "all right. that was odd. Let's move on with the story now and get to a part that's atually important."
So they rode gloriously into the sunset towards the ever-vesant city of Corus.
And then a big black bird ran into a tree because he was on drugs.
And daine was all like "Wow, that thing is stupider than the dude who runs our country."
And then jonathan was all like "support the animal lobby- ouch, buggering thistle!"
And daine was all like "don't you have any actual responsibilities?"
And jon was like "No, I delegate them to other people so I can go prancing naked in the woods."
And daine was like "this country has curious customes."
And onau was like "Daine, could you "fix" the bird? But don't think too much about the bird because you might uncover the secret- which the bird doesn't have, because it's just a bird" *eyes slant suspiciously from side to side.* "just a bird."
And daine was like "is it normal in this country for birds to spontainiously change into naked men?"
And onau was like "yes. Yes it is."
And numair was like "hey, babe, what's your sign? Do you want me to teach you 'magic?'"
And daine was like "it might be a bit more subtle if you were wearing cloths when you asked the question."
And daine was like "onau, who the hell is this?"
And onau was like "he's my friend. Just a friend." *eyes slant suspiciously from side to side* "we go way back, as friends."
And then some stuff happened and daine went to pirates swoop where she took a dip in the ocean, nearly killing herself (wait, she did kill herself and francis was like "yay, I have a new friend." But numair brought her back to life (well, actually alanna did) and francis was like "awww.") and daine summoned a kraken (that's in this book, right? Mmmmm. kraken. I think I would have white wine with that. mmm. alcohol.)
And the kraken ate a bunch of evil pirate dudes and then he was like "I demand over time for this, because I am a member of the animal lobby."
And jon was all like "yay, kraken! Peace, my brother!"
And then the other animals were like "yes, we demand workers confensation and health benefits."
And alanna was like "screw that idea."
And alanna was like "look. I am pregnant with twins and dairy queen hasn't been invented yet and we're out of pickles. Get the hell off my property!"
And all the animals left.
And numair was all like "good job daine. Would you like some puppies? Or candy, I have candy. You'll have lots of candy if you get into my van."
And daine was all like "Ok! I'm young and naïve. I also enjoy pick- nicks and long walks in the park discussing poetry and my feelings."
And so they went off together. The end.
PS- oh, yeah, and a bunch of shit happened with the immortals. The end.