A/N: After the sombreness of Empty and 15 Seconds, I felt I needed to write some silly, ridiculous rubbish to cheer myself up. This was the result – some inspired by, unfortunately, personal experience. Oh and if any of you readers are actually called one of the following names… please know there was no offense intended ;)

So… Shep and Liara get their little blue child after all. Shepard's stressing about the aftermath of the Reaper War, and having to choose a name to live up to all the scrutiny is driving her mad. Liara decides to help by asking all their friends for their most "helpful" suggestions. Squad mates dead post-ME3 are unfortunately, not represented.

And, err, yeah... I'm actually embarrassed this story is so daft. I was convinced to upload it, but it may find itself taken down.

Joker
Spyrme – Spear-me Shepard? Thanks, Joker… really.
Roni and Pepe… if it's twins! – Pepperoni Shepard… Pizza Hut will have a field day.
Karminnow – I see what you did there, Joker. I am not calling my daughter "cumming now Shepard".

Chakwas
Commander – what, even my daughter doesn't get a first name, Doc?
Incontinent
Prolapsed – eeeeww keep your problems to yourself!

Kaidan
Special K – no, Kaidan. My daughter is not "special". Although… you kind of are.
Rambo
Beefcake

Garrus
Chickenstalker – you wish, Garrus… you wish.
Mosher – ok, I know I can't dance… no need to take it out on my baby girl
Baaaabaaa – is this revenge for me calling you "Turkey" all the time?

Tali
Tail – is that a typo, Tali? I'd like to name my daughter after you, but… Tail?
Smelly
Hhhaaabbshemmmmcksienapeisft – pronounced Reegar.

Wrex
Gotobed – I wish I'd named my firstborn that, Shepard! It would save so many words! Instead of "Shepard, go to bed," I could just say "Gotobed!"
Pie
Chewbacca – I really should never have shared Star Wars with you…

Miranda
Abcde – really, Miranda, I know this isn't your thing, but try a little?
Broccoli
Shesoni – oh god… Oh god…

Jacob
Priiiiiize – no. Just… no.
German – ha. Ha. Ha.
Tesstess – uh, Jacob? "Tess-Tess" might sound nice, but it kinda looks like "testes"…

EDI
Commander, I have searched 21st century records for names which celebrities gave their children. I hope it will be of help.
Sage Moonblood
Moxie Crimefighter
Kal-El – wonderful. My three daughters, Sage Moonblood, Moxie Crimefighter and Superman, teaming up to rid the world of criminal scum.

Grunt
Female – FemShep does have a certain ring to it…
He-he-he
AMMO

Jack
Lagina – hmm, I suppose I should be glad she didn't suggest "Vagina"
Magina
Vagina – sigh.

Kasumi
Smurfette
Squidgee
LaShepard – LaShepard Shepard. Right.

Samara
Shepard, I have no experience with human naming customs, but I have researched your lore and come up with some suggestions.
Sir Lancelot
Ghandi
Bart Simpson

Zaeed
Gonorrhoea
Constipated
Imahogg – "I'm a pig" Shepard. Nice.

Kelly
Nug
Teletubby
Eh-oh!

James
Goldengayed – I know you're a jock and all, but "I shat my pants" Shepard? Really?
Sexfruit
Doodoo

Steve
Steeeeeeeeeve!
Huggywuggy
Altaïr ibn La'Ahad – that's it… videogame privileges suspended.

Samantha
Hermione
Gandalf
Frodo

Javik
Human
Facepalm
¡Ay, caramba!

Shepard looked up from the datapad Liara had handed her with a sigh. Her bondmate stood in front of her, the asari's amused smile barely concealed behind her slender hand.

"This isn't helping, T'Soni," Shepard grumbled, reaching out to draw the heavily-pregnant Liara onto her lap. With a soft sigh, she gently rested her head against her bondmate's bump, humming as a soft kick brushed against her cheek.

Liara ran her hand through the human's hair, allowing it to rest on her neck. She leant over to kiss the top of the Commander's head, even as she softly squeezed the tense muscles of her neck. "Do not worry yourself about this, Shepard. You will be a great parent. When the time comes, our daughter's name will come to us."

Shepard allowed a soft, tired smile to cross her face, knowing that her bondmate would be able to feel it. "Thank you, Liara. For everything."

Her grin turned impudent as she straightened, pulling the asari into a gentle kiss. As the kiss deepened, Shepard stood swiftly, gathering Liara in her arms. Liara's smug smirk only hastened her stride as she carried her bondmate towards the bedroom.

"Who taught Javik Spanish, anyway?"