Late at night the VA was quiet, something that by turns Murdock liked, and hated. Tonight he hated it. He hated the silence; more to the point, he hated the memories that the quiet inevitably brought.
He was thankful that he couldn't remember the 'episodes' he had which had ended with his commitment, but the days leading up to that – and the days after he started feeling better…those were more than enough.
With hardly any thought at all, he could very easily recall the spicy scent of the food from the village near their base in Vietnam. He could hear the sounds of incoming helicopters, and he always knew exactly which make and model was arriving. He could feel the oppressive heat that was broken only for a short time at night or after a short, tepid shower. He could taste the salt tang of the humidity that was ever present.
As if that wasn't enough, he could nearly recall the moment that sanity started to slip away. Everyone – the Team included – thought it was after the camps…after the Hanoi Hilton….the prison camp that he and his unit were held in for six months, until their escape. The insanity actually started before the camp, the camp was just the final loop in a downward spiral. The actual spiral really started two missions prior to the one where they were made prisoner. He was flying evac for a unit that had just completed a mission deep in the heart of enemy territory. The unit was coming in hot, enemy fire all around, and the door gunner was giving cover. Murdock shivered as he remembered the moment like it was happening again, the minute that he saw a civilian – a child – fall victim to the door gunner's M16.
Even fifteen years after the fact, the pilot could not wrap his head around that sight. He always knew that civilians were at risk…heck, he knew that civvies lost their lives in that jungle every day. He just had never seen it so up close and personal.
How he finished that evac mission he couldn't remember. The next memory he had is of ending up in his bunk, in the hooch that he shared – unofficially – with Face and BA. He remembered Face sitting by his bunk, those long fingers holding his own, keeping him grounded, keeping him there…helping him hold onto enough threads of sanity so that he could function, so that he wasn't shipped stateside on a Section 8. Every once in a while he wondered if he should have taken the discharge, so that he wouldn't have ended up in the camp, but every time his mind went to that place, he reminded himself that his unit needed him…and if he had let himself be sent home, then there was a more likely chance Face never would have made it home. And that is something that he found too hard, too painful, to contemplate for long.
He knew he could not have made it through the next mission, if it hadn't been one with Face, Hannibal and the others. They didn't know it at the time but they were his lifeline, his grip on reality, especially the young, blond supply officer. If not for them, he would not be alive to experience the quiet of the night in the VA; he would not have made it out of the camp, or out of the war.
His musings were interrupted by a quiet tap on his window, followed by the soft "whoosh" as the sash was raised. Murdock scrambled to his feet, knowing only one of three people could be coming through the window without meaning him harm. He let out a breath that he didn't even realize he was holding when he saw the perfectly coiffed golden blond hair and sank back down on his bed. "Face…" he whispered in greeting.
"Hey Murdock," the blond said in an equally hushed voice as he crossed the room after closing the window.
Murdock's assessing gaze took in his friend from top to bottom. The fine linen suit, silk tie and dressy shoes spoke of an evening on the town, likely with an equally blond lady of Face's acquaintance. However, the sand on the fine shoes and the fact that the tie was hanging loose around Face's neck, as well as the lateness of the hour and the exhaustion written across his friend's visage, spoke of less pleasurable pursuits than those of a lady.
"Why do I get the feeling I don't even need to explain why I'm here?" Face asked softly, taking a seat on the edge of the bed next to his friend.
"Well, since you were supposed to get me out tomorrow morning for that new job, and you're dressed impeccably – or you would be if you didn't look rumpled – I'm guessing a date went badly?"
"You might say that," Face said, giving his friend a wan smile.
"I'm guessing she didn't call the MP's…or you wouldn't have been walking on the beach."
"A regular Sherlock Holmes, aren't you?" Face teased.
"You might say that," Murdock said, shifting to sit cross-legged, facing his friend. "Want to tell Doctor Murdock about it?"
Face chuckled at the joke as he half-turned to look at the older man, then looked down at his hands which were clasped in his lap. "I…I was out with Cynthia…"
"Is that the blond you mentioned last week? Or the red-head you met earlier this week?" Murdock asked, voice holding no admonishment, only curiosity.
"Neither, she's a brunette I met a few months ago. She's a great girl – pretty, smart, and a lot of fun. We were talking and laughing, and I think she was expecting an invitation back to my place – or was about to offer me one to hers…." Face's voice trailed off as he shrugged his shoulders.
"Yet you're here."
Face looked over at his friend. "I realized I wasn't with the brunet I wanted." He gave Murdock a small smile, though kept his hands to himself for the moment.
"Face…." Murdock said, as he reached out to touch the blond's shoulder. When that got no reaction he tried again. "Tem…Templeton."
That rich Texas drawl got Face's attention, and he couldn't have stopped himself from looking at the pilot if he tried – and truthfully he didn't want to. "Yeah?"
"I would never keep you from enjoying others, you know that, we…agreed to that."
"I know. I know you wouldn't." Face unclenched his hands and reached to cover Murdock's hand on his shoulder. "And it probably doesn't make any sense, but that actually makes me want to be with others less."
Murdock smiled. "Well, if you want to say something that doesn't make sense, you've come to the right place."
Face shook his head at the teasing from the other man, "How long are you going to keep this up?" he asked.
"Keep what up, Muchacho?" Murdock responded, though he knew very well what Face was asking.
"You know what, Murdock," the blond said, his expression hardening a little.
"Long as it takes, Face. Long as it takes," Murdock answered. He wasn't really pretending; he still had days that were worse than others, though truthfully, he could probably make it outside of the VA if he really wanted to.
"I still can't believe you've kept it up this long…."
"I have, and will continue as long as needed, as long as it keeps you and the others safe."
Murdock shifted to lay on his side in bed, patting the other side of the bed invitingly. Face took his shoes off, much less carefully than was his wont, and crawled up to lay alongside his friend – his lover, though that word still had not passed his lips, nor Murdock's.
"Before you came, I was lost in memories," Murdock said softly, meeting blue eyes in the soft light coming in from the open window in his door.
Face reached for Murdock's hand, clasping it and holding it between them on the bed, knowing that for his friend to be this serious the memories must be troubling.
Murdock spoke slowly, not wanting to upset his friend, but at the same time he felt the need to make sure Face knew just how important he was. "I was thinking about that mission a couple weeks before we were captured. I was flying an evac mission and saw things that I still find it hard to think about."
Face nodded, understanding, since he himself had a lot of memories that he tried not to dredge up too often.
"Do you know what I remember most about those few days?" he continued after a moment of silence.
Face shivered as Murdock's words brought some of his own memories to the fore. "No, I'm sorry, I don't," he answered, though he had a few memories of those days that haunted him. The chopper nearly crashing and taking away the bright light in the life of the A-Team being by far the worst.
"I remember everything up to the chopper nearly crashing….and then nothing until I woke up in my bunk, your fingers wrapped around my hand, holding on like you never wanted to let go," with this Murdock squeezed Face's hand.
"I didn't," Face admitted quietly, giving an almost sad smile. "I know it took me a long time to make the leap to where we are now."
"Time is irrelevant, Tem, we had to go through that – all of those years – to be ready. Can you honestly say when you were first on the run…or when I was first committed, that this would have worked?"
"No…no, it probably wouldn't have."
"I can almost guarantee that it wouldn't have, Face. But you were there for me, during all of that…"
"Is that why you protected me in the camps?" Face asked, his voice hoarse as his own memories of the horror that followed that crash rushed over him.
"Yes," Murdock answered softly, meeting gorgeous blue eyes. "I know you technically didn't need it, but I was already broken…I knew that they couldn't do much more to me. The least I could do was protect my best friend."
"You…" Face stared in the dark at the older man.
Murdock nodded. "Yes, I was already breaking….you and the rest of the team kept me together for the rest of our missions…but I had already started to slip."
Face just stared at his friend. "You never cease to amaze me, HM Murdock," the blond said with a hint of awe in his voice. "How on earth could I possibly be good enough for you?"
"I could ask the same, Face. But you know what? I don't, because I am just going to count myself lucky enough to have you in my life. What we have is so new, in some ways, and yet not new in others. And I treasure both. You asked when I'm going to stop this charade…because we both know it is. But I won't until I'm forced to…or until you're free. Because it's the only way I can protect you now."
"Thank you, Murdock," Face whispered, leaning close to brush a kiss against the older man's mouth.
"You're welcome, Templeton," Murdock whispered, returning the kiss and settling more into the bed, both arms going around his partner.
Face yawned and then buried his head in Murdock's shoulder in embarrassment. "I promise, it's…"
"Me, not you," they both said at the same time with a laugh.
"Don't worry about it. Try to get some sleep, Facey, I'll get you up in plenty of time to get out the window and spring me to go on our mission."
"Thanks, Murdock," Face said, snuggling into the pilot's chest, allowing himself to rest in the one place he felt safest.
Murdock held his partner, the quiet of the hospital no longer overwhelming as he listened to Face's breathing evening out as he fell asleep.