Born Without Air
By: Nychelle Mathews
She couldn't remember anything, which was funny because I couldn't get it to stop playing in my head. She fell onto the floor, screaming his name, and all I could do to help my sister was watch. I kept playing it back in my head and I felt the tears fall down my face like a never-ending waterfall.
He was born without air. He turned as purple as if there were no other colors in the rainbow. My sister, Jen, wasn't breathing either and it seemed as though the nurses weren't doing anything. Jen was my life, and she had helped my mom raise me. When I was a baby, I was very sick. Jen lived a few houses up from us, and she would spend as much time with us as possible. One day, I was playing outside with my niece Amanda, and her dad, Ronnie. I was told not to go up to Jen's house, but I did anyway. When I got up there, I was asked who brought me, and I replied "Nobody." When I got home, I was in a lot of trouble, but it was worth it.
I heard my mom telling me what happened as we sat in the dining room, but all I could do was trying and picture it. My heart wasn't letting my brain comprehend. I went into the bathroom crying. I was trying to hide from reality, when my mom walked in. She didn't even see me. I was hiding behind our door, and maybe she looked at me, but didn't want to see. No words could ever describe how I felt as my niece and I went to see my new nephew. I was anxious to see him, but I knew I wouldn't like the sight of all the machines hooked up to him.
I went to see him, but all I could think was, "This can't be happening." My world had changed within just a few days, and even though I knew that things could get better, all I could see was the darkness. My mind was spinning out of control but mostly I kept thinking that I should be holding him right now. His name was Kristopher, and instead of being able to hold him at my sister's house, all I could do was touch him in the hospital. I couldn't cry, and neither could Kristopher's sister, Amanda, because it hadn't sunk into to our brains yet, let alone our hearts. The hospital seemed like it should have been full of life and color because we were in the nursery, but then I realized that we were in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit and we were surrounded by sick babies. I remembered that I was born early, but Kristopher wasn't and he could die right before my disbelieving eyes.
A few days later I got to see Jennifer. I didn't think that I would be seeing her unconscious, with machines hooked up to her. I kept thinking that she was going to be awake, even though my mom told me over and over that this wouldn't be a happy sight. Although it didn't seem that way, the room was full of flowers and as you walked through the halls, you could see gardens through the windows. The hallway was bright, but my sister was stained with the color of death. There were pictures of Disney characters all around, but I couldn't help but imagine what my sister was going to look like. I walked into the hospital, as if everything was great, but as I got closer to Jen's room, I kept wondering what I was going to find in there. It was like I was a kid, searching for treasure, but all I found was disappointment. The hallway near her room was sunny and beautiful, but I had the opposite mood of the weather. I felt like my whole world was crashing around me, and I could only watch as my life was being taken away from me.
When I went into the room, my brother - in - law didn't smile once. Ronnie wasn't one to frown and it was then that I knew that Jen wasn't doing well. My mom had described to me what I thought was going to be a beautiful room with flowers, but I think maybe I was just getting my hopes up. My mom told me that Jen had died a few days earlier, and had seen our dad standing outside of large gates. Jen was in and out of consciousness, and it wasn't her time to die. My sister was hooked up to a lot of machines, and I just stared at her in amazement for the longest time. She really was three times her size, as my mom described to me earlier. I kept walking from one side of her bed to another, trying to understand what I was seeing. As I stood on the left side of her bed, I held her hand and I started crying. Normally I am like a shy puppy, trying not to show my tears. But I couldn't control myself. I went over to the right side of her bed, where my brother in-law was standing, and I just hugged him. It felt like forever. I was wondering when Jen and I were going to wake up from this nightmare. I walked out into the hallway and my mom asked if I was alright. I didn't answer because I thought it was a stupid question. Now I realize that she only wanted to help in the best way that she could.
The next few days seemed to drag on, as my family and I were waiting for everything to be better. It was the beginning of April and the sweet smell of flowers was in the air. It was sunny, and before Amanda and I heard the news, we were riding our bikes down the road, and having as much fun as possible. School was almost out, and we couldn't wait for the summer to begin. After we heard about my nephew and sister, all we could do was hang around inside the house. Later my mom told me that we were going to see Kristopher one last time because my sister was better, and she had a choice. Jen had the choice to either leave Kristopher on the respirator for the rest of his life, and let him suffer, or take him off of it.
I went out into the dining room after getting ready to go. I had a huge smile on my face. I was still in shock. I saw a serious look on my mom's face as she told me that this was not funny. I didn't say anything. I wasn't laughing. I was smiling because I still thought that everything was going to turn out okay, and that the doctors would be proven wrong. When Amanda and I were in the car, my mom kept telling us that she didn't think that we should be seeing what we were about to see. Amanda and I didn't care; we just wanted another chance to see him.
When we got there, we were proven wrong, and we saw that this was not going to be a happy day like we had planned. My sister was sitting up, and she was eating hospital food, which didn't look as bad as everybody claims. We waited for Amanda's other grandparents to get there, and all I could do while we sat in the hospital, was stare at Jen. After Amanda's grandparents arrived at the hospital, the nurses brought Kristopher into Jen's room. My family was taking pictures of Kristopher, and as I got into one of the pictures, I heard Kristopher make a noise after he was taken off of the respirator. He made that noise and I laughed. I still could not grasp that Kristopher was leaving us. I remember every little step that my family made as they got ready to say goodbye. Ronnie took Kristopher into the bathroom and bathed him. Amanda wanted to come in, but her dad said no. After Ronnie bathed his dying son, Jen took over and put lotion on him. She dressed him in a red shirt with overalls and then set him in a bouncer to take pictures. I started crying and I couldn't stop: it had finally hit me that I was going to lose my nephew, and my sister was going to lose the only other baby she had had in fifteen years. I saw Jen drop to the floor and my mom came over. My mom said "He is gone, you can tell because he lost his color." Everybody got to hold him, and I felt left out because I didn't until right before my departure.
I had always thought that babies should be light, but when I held Kristopher, he was pretty heavy. He was over the average weight, but I tend to believe that it was dead weight. Through my years of experiencing death, and watching television, I have come to learn that when a person dies, their body gets heavier. I tried as hard as I could not to cry, but when my sister fell onto the floor, screaming, she made me see something that no person should ever have to see. Jen made me see what it was like to lose a baby, and I felt responsible for our loss. I guess I felt responsible because when I found out that Jen was pregnant, I was so excited. I have always been taught that it is not healthy to hide your feelings, but I vowed to myself, after that day, that I would not show anybody how I truly felt.
The funeral came on a warm spring day, but the mood was something else. There were gravestones everywhere, but my heart and mind would only concentrate on a small casket in front of everybody. I was waiting desperately to see Jen, because after her dying and coming back, I didn't know how much time I really had with her. She pulled up in her sea-green van, and I noticed something off; normally when I would see her, she would greet me with a warm smile, but she couldn't get out of her vehicle. Ronnie tried to encourage her to come with him, but she pulled away, and started crying harder than ever. She finally got out of the van, and walked over to everybody. We heard the "funeral speech," although I didn't listen. I saw my sister sitting on a cooler; crying, and I ran up to her and gave her a hug. Then, we went back to my house. Everybody was bringing food and I asked Amanda if we could have any. Then I learned that only the people who lost someone, receives the food.
After that, the days seemed to drag on. A few months later, my sister came to my house with a surprise. She brought balloons. Even though everyday with her was a celebration, I didn't know what the big deal was. Kristopher was only alive for fifteen days, and within that time, I became closer to my family, and farther away from sanity. Jen brought a bag of balloons, and I went into my room, and began playing my game. Jen and Amanda came in with huge smiles on their face, and told me to come out into the dining room. I did as I was told, and Jen asked me what something meant. Then, I realized that she was holding up the balloons. I couldn't comprehend what she was trying to say, so she said, "What do blue and pink mean?" Right then and there, I shouted, "You're having a baby?" I was so shocked, but then I remembered my vow, and I ran into my bedroom. I stayed there until my favorite part of my family left.
Finally, after Jen had Carisa Lynn, I wanted so badly to see them in the hospital, but my mom wouldn't let me. After what happened with Kristopher, Jen would have to have a C-section with any other kids she had. A few days after she got out of the hospital, my mom and I went to see Jen and my new baby niece. I got to hold Carisa, and she didn't feel as heavy as Kristopher did. Even though I got to spend at least an hour with them, it wasn't enough. About a month later, I was given permission to spend the weekend with Jen and her family. I wanted to hold Carisa, and even though she was sleeping, Jen brought her to me anyway. I have a picture that summarizes my feelings for that family; it is of Carisa and me. The picture is of me holding Carisa, and just looking down at her with a huge smile on my face. A second after that, Carisa opened her eyes. The flash from her camera woke Carisa up for what seemed like the first time, and at that moment, I saw Kristopher in her.
Carisa grew up to be an amazing, beautiful, baby girl! Now, she is three years old, and I can show my true feelings for her. All I can really do now is watch Carisa grow up, spend time with my family, and wonder what the future will hold.