Warning: This edition is unrevised and un-beta'ed.
beep.
It was almost laughable how things seemed to work themselves out so slowly when trying to move forward, but one quick slice could slide any mortal back in time. How moments of happiness seemed so distant and not quite as enjoyable in hindsight as they were beforehand or for the better part, in the moment. That would be the stuff drug addicts were made of. That one momentary high, the one so abstract after the fact. The one to strive for. At that moment, Ashley Davies wasn't sure if she'd ever had a high in her life. Her heart was flatter at that moment and spread thinner than the bedpan that kept her company in the empty chair next to her. Only a day ago, the room was filled with concerned people. Only an hour before that, she was caught in the crossfires of some spontaneous exchange of metal piercing through five other students at King High. She'd been sitting so long in the same chair waiting for some kind of response aside from that wretched-
beep.
It was driving her insane. She mulled over the moment over and over again. Possibly if the positioning were different, maybe the aim would have been off kilter. Or if she'd said something, it would have changed. The worst part was that even after the gunsmoke and heartache, even after the sirens and prayers, even after the condolences and ironies, none Ashley's problems had been solved. After all she'd been through, the world decided to defy its own inexplicable law: Nothing changed. Nothing. Well, nothing except for the IV, the scent of faux cleanliness similar to that of a hotel room, and the equally nauseating scent of flowers clashing in the air against one another fighting for dominance in the already stuffy room.
beep.
She wished it was that easy. To just make a decision, take that change, have that fifty-fifty chance of being right and winning that life of perfection she'd only dreamed of having. That unattainable high... but it wasn't fifty-fifty. If Ashley decided on Aiden, then she'd lose Spencer forever, the only one who ever got her, the only one who supported her and forgave her, the only one who ever risked everything for her. Then again, if she decided to stay with Spencer, Aiden would be out of her life, the man that listened to all her problems with her family, friends, and relationships, even when that relationship was with him, the one who picked her up at three-thirty in the morning at some dive across town, the would be father to their would be child. And, of course, if she chose neither, she would have neither in the end. No one to love and no one to love her. It wasn't really their love that was the problem. She had come to the conclusion hours ago that they both truly loved her in their own way. It was Ashley's love that was confusing. She never really knew what love was before them and nor could she differentiate between the love of a family and the love of a lover, sick as that was.
beep.
Ashley continued on, staring at the machine that could possibly have been more of her lifeline than the one it was reading. Her thoughts drifted further and further. The room felt colder and colder... when was the last time the nurses came in to check on her? How much time before visiting hours would be closed? Would anyone really contest to a tear-stained teenager at the bedside of- "Heyyy..." The trailings of a weak voice carried to her ears like a dying ghost. Ashley snapped up instantly. Finally. She looked into those eyes and a flood of relief filled her own, threatening to spill over. Her chest compressed for the want of tears. Her fingertips began to tremble. Blood rushed up to her head and out through her ears in a sigh of excitement. Her voice was almost gone from the simultaneous yet unconscious actions of her body. She uttered an equally low, "Hey" with a large smile on her pearly whites. "I brought you some jell-o. You know... for your troubles." She said, trying to seem light-hearted.
"Mmm thanks." Yeah, right. Ashley's full smile reduced to a smirk. "Okay troubles seem to be the least of your worries I guess." She reasoned this as she took the jell-o and dug into it herself. Her stomach began unknotting itself and already it was begging for sustinence. "Your parents left earlier. They wanted to go home and pick up some of your things so you'd feel more at home here in this uh... mental institution slash prison renovated nine by eight cell... come to mention it, it's a little more retro-Matrix with a dash of Sweet Home Alabama." She played with her food as it became instantly as interesting as the next episode of Heroes when the realization that the latter option would lead to confronting her problems. Unable to help herself though, she looked up at those eyes... the ones that pierced through her worse than any bullet ever could... and she knew her decision.
"I love you too, Aiden." Her voice was shaky, forcing out every excruciating consanent and vowel of her decision, her verdict. "And I jus-" As Ashley looked up at Aiden, he didn't seem to be looking back at her as they did in normal conversation. Instead, oh no. Her head flung to the door way, and sure enough life had its wonderful way of rearing its ugly head, changing everything. "Spencer, I..." Before Ashley could say anymore, Spencer had dropped her coffee, dropped the flowers, and ran off in some poorly dictated direction. Ashley leaped out of her chair, intinctively rushing after the girl. No, no no. She almost had it all planned out. Almost. The world never gave any leverage to almosts and what ifs, so why start now? There was only one direction and it led to one door. Ashley pummelled the handle of the door reading 'Stairs' and caught Spencer's arm just as she was decending the stairwell. Spencer's head whipped back and stared directly at Ashley with pseudo-silver icy blue eyes that suddenly made Ashley feel like she was an inch tall.
"You know what I'm happy for you." She spat out without so much as a speck of thought or logic anymore. All there was within Spencer was vindictive opinion and the venom of hate. She ripped her upper arm out of Ashley's grip with a thrash that nearly took Ashley down a flight of steps. "Glad to know that when it comes down to it, this is your decision. You know what? I'm tired of it anyways, your selfishness, your insatiable need for attention and gratification, all your crap and baggage. I'm through!" Ashley quickly wiped the shock off her face from this uncharacteristic monologue of beatdowns and putdowns, quipping herself with some fuel to continue. "Good, I'm glad little Miss Carlin can finally relieve herself of the burden of me. I'm done being your little post pubescant high school experiment." Ashley wasn't sure where this was coming from, but it seemed to flow off the tip of her tongue as if the gun had already been loaded. "Yeah, I've come to my conclusion now, you are definitely not my type." Every jagged dagger edge of a syllable killed at Ashley. "Right, that's not really what you were saying a few nights ago, what was it? 'Oh yes, you're so good, Ashley, just like that' Sure sounded like your type to me." Spencer squinted her eyes in a single look that paraded the phrase 'I can't believe you' in banners and blimps.
Spencer seemed to be out of things to say at that point, and Ashley would have been surprised if she could go on anymore either. They huffed at one another before a member of hospital staff rushed through the doorway and down the steps, and before Ashley could even attempt to muster another cannonball tyrade, Spencer was out the door. Out and out of her life forever, and at that point, Ashley cared more about that check engine light on her car than the blaringly obvious fact. Realizing that she had more to spit at Spencer, Ashley grabbed the door handle intending on chasing the girl down some more, but it didn't seem to budge. An onslaught of curses filled her head as she realized that a passcard was needed to open the door. After jiggling at the door, the knocking, then banging, then kicking, and some screaming, Ashley resigned to the top step of the floor, curling up in her little ball, and crying hard for the first time in a while. God, what had she gotten herself into?
A week had passed and yet it didn't seem to dull that stinging unexplainable jab against Ashley's midsection from sun up to down. She felt genuine happiness when Aiden was released from the hospital, but had to partially feign that same sense of happiness when Aiden wrapped his free arm around her at school. It wasn't the same arm he used to use, that arm was in a sling. Everything seemed to feel different the way it would if Ashley could have wrapped everything she touched in bubble wrap before actually touching it. No, detached couldn't quite explain the phenomenon that had overcome her. It was a jaded happiness mixed in with a large helping of blandness and normalcy that made her feel about as uncomfortable as the position she was in walking down the hallway with the stares, and Aiden's unintentional limp. She was almost ready to just flat out make a run for it, but something kept her anchored down.
Ashley looked up at Aiden and felt the sensation of touching the ground, a nostalgic sentiment she lacked after they broke up. Aiden really was her anchor to reality. He looked down at her from his semi-awkward height and offered her a smile. True fulfillment. Ashley disguised her undeniable flash of envy by looking away and towards the crowd building ahead of them like a pig pen mass of taxicabs in the midsts of rush hour in New York City. Jealousy. That wasn't really part of the package. She hadn't expected that one. Ashley brushed past a few oncoming contraflowers and looked up just in time to catch the rear phrases to Aiden's conversation. "-so I will see you at lunch instead okay?" He blindsided Ashley with a quick kiss that forced her to hastenly conceal the cringing disgust she had for herself and the part she played in the act.
With that, Aiden was gone, leaving Ashley to opt a beeline away from her class and directly for the girl's bathroom. The door slammed shut behind her, but only came to her ears as a muffle. She was dizzy from the change, and it almost seemed as if the world was trying to redeem itself for all that left unchanged in those critical twenty-four hours at the hospital. All the sights and sounds, lights and noises, seemed padded like she was underwater. Everything came all too hard for Ashley, even breathing, as she ran over to the sink. Her hands reached up to turn the water full force in an autopilot distress plan, splashing cold water on her face over and over until her pores were saturated with that sense of tangibility that seemed lost. This wasn't the same intangible easily cured by a solidity, an anchor. This was a different type of unreal.
One that handicapped her for the moments to come. "Wonderful start to the day." She heard a voice resonating through her ears and beating on them like a Taiko drum at a dragon festival. "Top of the morning to you too, cowlick." Ashley really didn't feel like dealing with the situation before her at that point in time, or rather she didn't really feel like ever dealing with it. She was getting to be perfectly happy being flawlessly miserable. "Oh reduced to namecalling now, Ashley, really we've come past the shooting ranges of first grade, how about an actual insult." Spencer replied, rolling her eyes in the wake of her own sarcasm. "An insult, now did you just give me one, or are you waiting for me to brush you with some greatness?" Ashley walked past the other girl, tugging at the towel dispenser and drying her hands and face. "Your self-assured ignorance is unfathomable, really. Did you have to work to be this arrogant or did it come naturally?" Spencer could almost cry if she didn't feel so cold and empty. "I was actually working to be as naively oblivious as you, but this was all the gumball dispenser of life gave me to work with." The past week, her entire family had never been more happy to see Spencer safe, at home, and studiously tending to her schoolwork while Spencer wouldn't have been more miserable. Something within her just lost its will to live after hearing an undying profession of love from the one she loved to another person. "Which clearly wasn't a lot from what I've been able to see."
"Probably because you're too oblivious to care." Ashley said in a final huff before swinging the bathroom door wide open and this time, leaving Spencer to deal with the aftermath.
Lunchtime had rolled around with no hint of letting up from the storm that was brewing between the once-perfect couple. Perfection could only last for so long, only run so far before reality caught up with its cruel reason. Ashley fiddled with her Fiji water acutely tuning out whatever Aiden was talking about, smiling every so often as if to get the gist. Her daze was run astray when someone knocked into her. She was unoffended, but that was before she took the time to recognize the offender. "The trick to walking is left, then right, not left, then left." Ashley shot a look at Spencer for effect. Spencer was getting better at looking unphased phrase by lethal phrase. "Oh I guess I should chalk if up to my obliviousness." Spencer took her tray of food and her dignity to a different table before either of them could be chanced in the fray. As she sat, a few girls offered to sit alongside and she blankly accepted.
Ashley shook her head, stuck in a stage of what could only be explained as incredulousness. She watched Spencer watch her before scheming that there were worse things she could be doing. She leaned in against Aiden, with an Oscar-winning smile with an untraceable hint of 'I'm totally faking it'. Aiden in turn wrapped his arm securely over Ashley's shoulders, reassuring her in his particularly articulate way, "It's alright Ash. Don't let that get to you. We're alright now." Yeah, sure, alright was good and fine, but at the end of the day, it was to put it simply, just alright, and never more. Ashley nodded along with a slight chuckle. She could almost feel that Oscar in her grasp pressed on by the fiery jealousy blazing in her peripheral vision. "So what do you think about tomorrow, then? Are we still on?" A splice of annoyance cut through her act, but Ashley quickly recovered. Was there really an available no to that statement? She was already bound both socially and physically to be there. "Yeah of course. It'll just be like old times." Ashley responded, masking her despondancy.
The bell rang to signal the end of another mind-numbing episode of Ashley's nightmare. She excused herself as God had blessed her to have classes on opposite ends of the school from Aiden for the remaining of the school day. Her relief was shortlived as God had a sick sense of humor. She had every cursed class with Spencer instead. Ashley carried herself step by next trudgingly painful step towards class. Every footstep forward was calling her to just skip the rest of the school day, but expulsion had the upper hand in this case as she sat in her seat in Van Eckel's class with only a few precious minutes of solitude before the caws of vultures and the pain that was Spencer Carlin.
Ashley watched and to her surprise, Madison and her goon squad walked straight past her without so much as a mention to the unkempt open wounds of her still-tender heart. That wasn't to say no one had any lemons handy. Spencer soon followed and Ashley now regretted her own bright idea at the beginning of the year to seat herself beside her then-beau now enemy. How quickly things could change. She looked over at Spencer with eyes long abandoned as the afternoon sunlight brushed against her soft hair. Ashley let herself go for a second, go away to a place filled with cobwebs and memories, and just lost herself in the view of the girl next to her. How thin a line it truly was between love and hate.
Van Eckel droned on and on in her lecture about the uncanny parallels between the events of human history and current events, which irritatingly, wasn't anywhere near her subject of expertise. Ashley surreptitiously ripped a sliver of paper from her journal and after putting ink to paper, passed it over to Spencer who was jotting down notes of God knew what. She looked over to Ashley with a glare that Ashley was now getting acclamated to receiving as she opened up the folded piece of paper. 'Do you intend on hating me for the rest of your life because this is very unsaintly of you.' Geez, a simple question would have done it, but recently Ashley seemed to feel gracious enough as to add an unobligatory insult to every asinine remark she sent Spencer's way. Spencer wrote back and crumpled the paper into a ball before throwing it at Ashley's head.
Ashley flinched at the projectile, while staving off the urge to retaliate and opened the paper. 'You're one to talk about saints. You made your decision. You caused this.' Ashley couldn't help but roll her eyes in response, eyeing Spencer and mouthing 'Oh yeah, very fourth grade with the blame game, Carlin.' Ashley took the paper and threw it back at Spencer's head, which unfortunately Spencer was deft enough in hand-eye coordination to catch. "Oh are we addressing one another by last names now, Davies? Because that's not fourth grade at all." Spencer whispered only to be rudely interrupted by one, Van Eckel, "Miss Carlin. Miss Davies. I'm sure the two of you can finish this conversation in detention."
There was a torn expression on both Ashley and Spencer's faces as to whether it was a blessing in disguise or merely a curse. Part of what was left of Spencer still yearned to be near Ashley, to be close to her presence which was what drove her to attend class, what forced her to endure the rampant Sam's Club sized insults and vengeful glares. Spencer knew that it was pointless to continue the rest of the day if they were only going to rack up detentions in every class. That seemed like the only sure bet of the day. Spencer spent the rest of the day ignoring every dirty look, every ugly insult, every intentional shoulder shove in the hallway. It was the more effort to keep from exploding in those mere four hours than it had been for the past week of hell. This had to be hell. Somehow she must have been the one shot and she had died and gone to hell. For being gay. Oh the ironies.
Detention came, and Spencer could vomit at the sight of Aiden at that point. Her intestines were turning inside out as she helplessly eavesdropped into their overt conversation. "So I'll pick you up after detention okay? I mean, we're still on for our date tonight right?" She couldn't see Ashley. They were both outside eyeshot. "Yeah of course. I'll see you then." A pause. Spencer's hands balled up in fists at the thought of what had gone on in those two point three five seconds between the 'I'll see you then' and Ashley's appearance through the doorway. "If you sucked face any louder, the universe may implode." Spencer spat out in rage. "You know what until your insults get a little less um, belligerently ambiguous, I'm not going to dignify you with a response." I love you so much, I'm sorry, please let's just stop this. Spencer's brain had already dialed into breaking Ashley, and in some ways herself, breaking herself into her new life, the rougher one. The one without Ashley. "I hate you." It was the only thing left unsaid. The only bruise left untouched. The only line uncrossed. "I hate you too!" I didn't mean it. I swear, I didn't mean it. I didn't. I didn't mean it at all. Please tell me you didn't mean it either. Silence hung through the air like a funeral bell the rest of detention. Some things were better left unsaid.
The remaining half hour of detention was spent in silence, the solitude of shock overhanging the four occupied desks of detention. Spencer's life had gotten easier and so much harder since being apart from Ashley. The days were rather easy, with school to focus her attention on, then at home with her family loving the daylights out of the idea that Spencer was all theirs once more. She'd never thought about it, but her family liked to monopolize her time, like she was some kind of pet meant to be left at home. Spencer's mother was especially ecstatic, somehow hearing from some teenage grapevine about Ashley and their ongoing duel for dominance. The day after the hospital incident, her mother had sat her down and consoled her about how friends like that were not worth the time. Right. Friends. Denial wasn't a good look on her mother Spencer concluded while she attempted to space out to any random 'oh shiny thing' in the room.
Spencer couldn't help but glance over at Ashley at time, curious as to what she was doing, although she wondered why she did this as Ashley had been in a comatose nap for the past half hour contrary to the supervisor's belief that she was writing with her head down. Amazing how she had the ability to retain grip of a pencil and scribble swirlies in her sleep. Spencer let out a low chuckle unintentionally at the thought. She must have had a lot of practice. The detention bell rang and Spencer glanced back over for one last look at Ashley, but the seat was already empty. She was mortified to think of could have been happening on their... 'date'.
The night went on as planned. They went to eat and bowled a few games of bowling, and after huffing and sucking at the first few games, Ashley convinced Aiden to switch over to bumper bowling. The two of them ended up in Aiden's car, making out in the backseat. Aiden was breathing hard, hovering over Ashley who looked up at him, still wondering a bit what she was doing in that car, at the precise moment. While they bowled and ate and talked and laughed, she felt almost normal, almost as if nothing had ever happened. She was free to make a few cracks at Aiden bowling with his opposite hand, or the difficulty he had eating. At that very moment, though, she felt all that happiness slip away. He had that look in his eye, the look she'd seen often and if they kissed again... Aiden moved down and Ashley wasn't ready to stop him, he was being aggressive... wanting. She, frankly, wasn't.
Aiden started kissing down her neck, and memories started flooding her, doubts, fears, Spencer. Ashley remembered the way Spencer made that little noise when she kissed down Spencer's neck, especially behind her ear. Aiden's hands moved over Ashley's stomache. His hands were rough from basketball and weight lifting, not soft, like Spencer's. Her touch was tender, gentle, and loving. It seared her skin with want, made her stomache muscles clench. Her stomache tightened from Aiden's touch, recoiling in disgust. Aiden misread it as a good sign, leaning closer to Ashley. His body was heavy. She remembered how easily it was to pin Spencer down, even when she was squirming in a tickle fight or throwing a tantrum. How beautiful and so perfectly she fit against Spencer's body.
She had to stop this. This was so wrong. "Stop, wait." Aiden leaned forward instead of back."Don't worry," he said reassuring her, "My shoulder's fine." He moved his lips up against her ear, and she shuddered, her eyes cringing. Aiden couldn't see her eyes, only assuming that she was as enthused as he was. "I missed you so much." He said, whispering against the shell of her ear. I miss you, Spence. Ashley thought to herself. He felt Aiden kiss her again, and Ashley was almost ready to cry. This wasn't the way Spencer would kiss her. Spencer's lips were soft, they never pushed, they bit on occassion when she was particularly playful, they were never aggressive, and they never felt chapped the way Aiden's did. Spencer never shoved her tongue down Ashley's throat like a jackhammer. She always licked across the top of Ashley's lips, almost as if asking for permission before carefully slipping in, lovingly, tenderly. Ashley couldn't do this anymore.
She pushed him over, "Aiden, stop. I..." There was a pause. No right words could fill the chasm. Aiden sat back. "It doesn't feel right. I mean, I don't think... I think I need to go home." Aiden sighed, "You know, you used to love doing it in the back seat." Ashley looked out the window as the patters of light rain started to drift along the pane. "Things change..." She muttered quietly. "Aiden, I don't think we should have sex." Her daze was at the droplets careening down the window and the slight mask of downpour outside. "What? Like... never?"
Ashley looked over at him, with an empty gaze. "Just take me home, please."
Aiden's car pulled up at the bend of Ashley's house and she got out without a word. She took slow steps, waiting for his car to reach far enough away before pulling a u-ie and unlocking the doors to her car. She pulled out her cell phone and opened the phonebook. Somehow, every name that appeared on her phonebook seemed so... she pressed end and speed dial five, turning at the stop sign before gaining speed. With each ring, she was ready to hang up, but for some reason, her feet were hastening the gas to get there. "Hello?" Came an unsure voice on the other line. "Come outside..." She pulled the car into park. "Please..." Ashley pulled the keys out of her car, and ran a hand over her wetted hair.
The passenger side door opened and closed in a snap. Ashley's head was pasted onto the top of the steering wheel, afraid to look over. Tears brimmed at her already wet cheeks, before dropping down onto the top of the horn. "I couldn't do it..." She tried to look over at the passenger seat, but could only make her way to the glove compartment before leaning over the armrest. The sobs were beginning to get the best of her. Spencer's arms came around her head, and by that time, the cries were so strong, she could barely breathe. They spent the rest of the night sputtering out Ashley's date with Aiden, between hiccups and tears.
"Ashley," Spencer called as she continued running her fingers soothingly over her sopping wet hair. "It's getting late, okay? Let's talk about this some other time." After a pause, Ashley shifted to look Spencer in the eye, "Are we going to work this out...?" She asked unsteadily, with a hope long-since lost. At that point, they'd said so many hateful words, she wasn't sure how to fix them. It wasn't as if Spencer had stopped loving Ashley, everything just seemed so... jaded now. "We'll see about that tomorrow, okay? I'll see you in school." Ashley shifted upright in her seat and watched as Spencer got out of the car. "Hey Spence?" She asked, watching as Spencer whipped around, looking at her. "Thank you. You're an amazing friend." Spencer smiled softly and said "Goonight, Ash." before turning and walking up to her house. Ashley felt well enough at that point to go home, and go to bed. There was something to look forward to.
Spencer walked through her door to see her mother waiting. "Spencer, honey, I thought you and Ashley were through." The girl couldn't help but roll her eyes at her mother as she locked the door, turning back around to face her. "We are." She folded her arms over her chest in defiance. That may have been a lie. "Well I'm glad because I had been so worried about you. I've been talking to Madison and-" Spencer cut her off before she could continue. "Wait, Madison?" She was suddenly furious. "Yes, Madison, now please let me finish." Her mother said to her calmly. "She had recommended a nice Catholic private school that set her straight. I've been looking at it and it seemed like a good prospect." She said in the most serious tone, "But I assumed I didn't have to go out of my way now that you don't have Ashley to lead you astray." She smiled, walking over to Spencer and kissing her on her forehead. "Thank you for coming to mass on Sunday and helping me out with the bake sale. Good night, honey." With that, Paula Carlin was gone, leaving Spencer to stand, in utter shock. Just as things were getting better, they always had a way of getting worse.