Quadruple Date

by frostyfreezyfreeze54

In a cover of the Full House episode "Triple Date," Buster meets a girl and arranges a date with her and blind dates with her friends for RK and Wade. Jaylynn tags along as well and raises Anja's suspicion by inviting her to the dinner party. Meanwhile, Sparky helps Halley accept her parents' impending divorce.

1. Quadruple Date Script

Thank You, Heavenly

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day

SEASON 2

EPISODE 26

Airdate: April 20, 2014

Title: Quadruple Date (cover of the Full House episode "Triple Date")

Segway Segment: RoundTable ("Is there such a thing as loyalty as a television fan?")

Special Guest Stars: Diana Katanova as Herself, Adriana G. as Adriana Chachinski, Anna Revia-Khocholava as Herself

Satire/Social Commentary: None

Writer: Michael "frostyfreezyfreeze54" Anderson, Jeff Franklin (original episode)

Animated by Kaz, storyboarded by Tomas Greenberg

Director: Michael "frostyfreezyfreeze54" Anderson, Peter Baldwin (original episode)

For privacy reasons, Adriana personally requested the name change.

SCENE 1

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(The original opening background music used in "Triple Date" is used for this episode as well; there are shots of the Space Needle, the Seattle Art Museum, CenturyLink Field, and lastly, the Westboro Complex.)

Buster, RK, and Wade are all on the couch, groaning. Jaylynn is on another couch which is to the left of them. She's trying to watch TV, but the boys keep groaning.

BUSTER, RK, AND WADE: Ugggggghhhhhhhh...

(Jaylynn sighs)

BUSTER, RK, AND WADE: Uggggghhhhhh...

(Jaylynn sighs louder)

BUSTER, RK, AND WADE: UGGGGGGGHHHHH...

JAYLYNN: WILL YOU GUYS SHUT THE (BLEEP) UP?!

BUSTER: We can't. Don't you understand that we're depressed?

WADE: It's usually unnatural for someone like me to be so melancholy, but I guess there's a time and place for all emotional mood swings.

RK: What they said. I need a girlfriend that I can kiss every day. And then I can tell her that later on, we'll do other stuff besides kiss that I won't be able to figure out until my bozack drops.

JAYLYNN: You guys are butthurt because you don't have girlfriends?

BUSTER: Well, yeah, Jaylynn. I want some ass!

RK: I want ass, too.

WADE: I would enjoy some splendid buttocks..

JAYLYNN: Look, I want a girlfriend too, but sitting around doing nothing isn't going to do us any good. How about some sex toys?

BUSTER: Can I get a pump for my Dickerson?

WADE: I think I have a better idea. A common romantic practice in the Western world today is finding a mystery partner. Maybe if we go on a blind date, we can experience the joy of female companionship.

RK: A blind date? I don't think that's a good idea.

BUSTER: Why not? We deserve ladies. Way more than those snot-nosed punks I usually see girls with. They don't...they don't actually have snot in their nose, I'm just using that as a derogatory remark.

WADE: We got it the first time.

RK: But...a blind date? I don't think I can do that. I'm in love with Ashley Rodriguez. Did you guys just forget that?

BUSTER: I'm relieved, honestly.

JAYLYNN: RK, I think it's sweet that you love Ashley, but I don't think you want to remain boxed in like this. When Ashley comes around, she'll come around. But you need to explore the other options while you still have them.

RK: I guess. But I think I'm going to forget about this whole blind date thing. Just pretend it doesn't exist. Like my Hanes tag.

CUTAWAY GAG

RK is playing baseball with a couple other kids at Ken Griffey Jr. Park. He smacks a fastball into the outfield and he slides into second base on a double.

HANES TAG: Hey, don't you think you're kinda slow when it comes to the basepaths? I'm just saying, you might want to work on that for your next game. If I were you, I wouldn't try to steal third. That catcher has the strong arm to get you out and you're not fast enough, I'm just saying. You know, your swing is awkward. Whenever you swing, I feel like your plate discipline is off and you got lucky on that double, I'm just saying. You look scared here on second. I'm telling you, you're not going to make it in baseball if you're always scared, I'm just saying.

RK: Go to Hell.

HANES TAG: Go to Hell? Why? Because your ineptitude as a baseball player always reveals itself, especially when that Ashley girl is around? By the way, you're not good enough for her. You just like her for her body, I'm just saying.

(RK rips off the Hanes tag)

HANES TAG: Hey, you're not MJ.

(RK rips the tag in two and places it under second base; long pause)

HANES TAG: I'm still here, just saying.

(RK does a facepalm)

END OF CUTAWAY

SCENE 2

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Sparky is reading Ways to Save Your Marriage: Volume III by Bernard Pendleton on the couch. Bitch Clock comes in from the kitchen and doesn't understand why Sparky is reading it.

BITCH CLOCK: Sparky, I'd like to believe there isn't any problem as it pertains to our relationship.

SPARKY: Hey sports fan, don't interrupt a kid when he's reading about one of life's most precious resources: Marriage.

BITCH CLOCK: Sparky, you stud. You're finally going to get off the estrogen and give Halley that friendship bracelet?

SPARKY: (Bleep) you. I'm trying to see how I can save the marriage of Halley's parents.

BITCH CLOCK: Did Halley tell you to do that?

SPARKY: No, I volunteered to help her. Look, her mom and dad are going to finalize their divorce soon and do you know how Halley is going to be emotionally affected if it happens?

BITCH CLOCK: She gets on with her pathetic life?

SPARKY: Do I need to beat the holy hell out of you again?

BITCH CLOCK: I'm sorry, some guys from Alcoholics Anonymous snuck into my booze fridge and stole 85% of my stash. Those bastards have been trying to get me off the stuff for a while now. I don't remember what happened last night, but I woke up with a limp so I'm just going to assume the obvious.

SPARKY: You could just get in your car and go to the liquor store and get yourself more alcohol.

BITCH CLOCK: Yeah, but that means I have to do stuff.

(Sparky gives Bitch Clock a blank stare)

BITCH CLOCK: I'll get in the Solara.

SCENE 3

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

RK, Wade, and Jaylynn are on the couch when Buster walks in whistling "Rock Me" by One Direction.

WADE: Wait, hold the phone, he's whistling One Direction hits!

JAYLYNN: That means something really good happened!

RK: I'm kind of offended that you didn't bother to knock or ring the bell but, who cares? Why are you happy and not me?

BUSTER: It's amazing, fellas. Lady fellas. (Jaylynn giggles) I was at the corner store and I saw her standing there.

WADE: Please don't go into a crappy Beatles rendition.

BUSTER: You really like to hurt people, don't you? Anyways, I was just strolling by, picking up a Tropical Fantasy. I finished it on the way home. Anyway, our hands met, and she had the most adorable smile anybody has ever seen on a girl. It was almost criminal the way she looked at me with her gorgeous brunette hair and her rosy cheeks. I wanted to kiss her so bad, and the weird part is for two minutes, we just smiled at each other.

RK: Keep going.

BUSTER: Then I said, "You're buying a cool drink?" And she said, "Yes, I am" in that innocent yet sexy voice of hers. I could almost fantasize about us sitting on a couch together watching movies.

RK: Yes, keep going!

BUSTER: Then we bond over our love of One Direction. Next thing you know, single Buster has his very first date tonight.

RK: Damn you, it was getting hot.

WADE: I think a congratulatory statement is in order. Way to go, Buster!

JAYLYNN: Yeah, you're like a little Hugh Hefner, aren't you?

RK: I'm really happy for you, but I just can't believe you're going to get ass before me.

BUSTER: I wouldn't be so sure about that, Jennings.

RK: You want to go Cody Rhodes and Goldust on that?

BUSTER: NO! I'm going to make her say "YES!" like Daniel Bryan, but that's besides the point. Her name is Diana. And she has two single friends that she was originally going to spend the night with. So I was like, "Hey. What a cowinky-dinkery-doo-dah dillie pillie. I have two single friends who need a smoking hot girlie on their lap too." And that's when she worked up the nerve to kiss me.

RK: Keep going.

WADE: Dude, you got your first date, a kiss, and dates for us?!

BUSTER: Yup. The dry spell is over, playas. Tonight, we're triple dating at my condo. Already gave her the address and everything.

RK: Alright!

WADE: Affirmative!

(RK and Wade slap fives with Buster)

RK: Wait a minute. I was supposed to forget about it. The blind date. Ashley. Oh, who am I kidding? TONIGHT, I'M GETTING LAID!

(The three boys start whooping)

JAYLYNN: So you couldn't hook ME up?

RK: I thought you didn't care about having a girlfriend.

JAYLYNN: I don't, all that much. But I want to slap some skins tonight.

BUSTER: Well, Diana only has those two friends. Maybe you could ask Anja if she wants to hang tonight at my place.

JAYLYNN: Buster, I don't even know if Anja's lesbian. I don't even know if I like her. I mean, she smells nice and her voice isn't that bad and she's...kinda hot. OH MY GOD, WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?!

RK: You're becoming sexually attracted to your new friend who you might want to go the length with.

JAYLYNN: I wouldn't go THAT far. I guess I'll call her. I don't even know if I can call this a date.

BUSTER: Jaylynn, we can't focus on so many stories at once. You guys want to see a picture of Diana?

RK AND WADE: Sure.

(Buster shows RK, Wade, and Jaylynn a picture of Diana on his iPhone; RK looks shocked, like he just saw The Undertaker lose to Brock Lesnar at WrestleMania or something)

WADE: Damn, this lady is Michael Jackson bad.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, she's happening! Don't you think, RK?

RK: Yup, she is one bad...CAT. Something I would take...out indeed.

BUSTER: Well, you have your own blind date tonight.

(thinking) RK: This is not good, this is not good. My burger has extra pickles on it now.

SCENE 4

The Vidal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Sparky and Halley have a large paper on the coffee table. There's a lot of writing on it.

SPARKY: Alright, so one idea I had was that we call both your parents, figure out why they're splitting, and just remind them of all the good times they had together.

HALLEY: I like how you're thinking rationally. But don't you think we need something more high-concept and zany?

SPARKY: You've seen every television show ever made too. Those kinds of ideas always fail without planning. I mean, what if Grandpappy MacDougal hadn't planned to marry my grandma-ma-ma-ma? He would just be a broken-down, destitute piece of chicken bones living on the side of a Kmart begging for cash.

HALLEY: Yeah, but...

SPARKY: Not like he never thought about going for that type of lifestyle because he kissed a hobo when he was on LSD that one time. Come to think of it, he really liked that LSD. He thought it would make him fly, but he punctured his lung and when he came out of the hospital, he ended up sounding like Barney Fife on a bender and Reese's Pieces that were lodged in between the corners of his mouth.

HALLEY: Sparky...

SPARKY: Of course, my friend told me one day that LSD catches up to you. He was bugging out when we went out to catch flies and he started eating them. I'm telling you, that kid got turnt. Even before his death from a self-inflicted knife wound, he went out like a champion. He saw Todd Bridges one day and he tried to kill him too because his co-stars, um...yeah. What were we talking about?

HALLEY: My parents' divorce?

SPARKY: Oh yeah, we just need something simple. Like banging some girl in a barnyard in a thunderstorm. Or was it a shed? I don't...

HALLEY: Don't start now. Let's just go with your original plan.

(long pause; Sparky is confused)

SPARKY: What record?

(Halley angrily stares at Sparky)

SCENE 5

The Hernandez Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

JAYLYNN: OK, I can do this. I just need to act like a girl, but think like a guy. Or is it think like a girl, but act like a guy? Wait, I think I got that mixed up. Dammit, I'm just going to do this (bleep)!

(Jaylynn is calling Anja on her cell phone, which is like a Nexus; Asil is on the other line)

ANJA: Hi Jaylynn, what's up?

JAYLYNN: Nothing much, just...seeing how much hair I grew?

ANJA: Jaylynn, you're a girl.

JAYLYNN: You don't know what I'm capable of.

(Anja's eyes widen)

ANJA: O...K? What's the deal?

JAYLYNN: Well, Buster, RK, and Wade are going on a triple date tonight at Buster's place and I wanted to know if you could...join me?

ANJA: So, a quadruple date?

JAYLYNN: WHO SAID IT HAD TO BE A DATE?! I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT NO DATE, I DON'T EVEN KNOW ANYONE WHO DATES! (chuckles nervously)

ANJA: You're something else, Jaylynn. Look, if you want to date tonight as FRIENDS, then that's fine. But I don't want any funny business while we're there, you smell me?

JAYLYNN: Smell you?

ANJA: Yeah, that's a thing.

JAYLYNN: Alright.

ANJA: OK. I'll wear something pretty. See you there.

JAYLYNN: See ya. (Jaylynn takes a heavy breath after hanging up) I need strength for the night. (Jaylynn takes out her bag of marijuana and smirks)

SCENE 6

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Similar to what they did in "Goodbye 2013, Hello 2014," Jaylynn and KG are lighting one up. There is a huge ring of smoke in the room and they both have red eyes)

KG: So, you...you asked Anja out to date you...tonight?

JAYLYNN: I don't know. All I know is, I would put Anja on my head and...give her some head on my head.

KG: What? You're stupid. Look, you need...to tell Anja...that you want...that you WANT to bang her. You better fingerbang that chick tonight, you pussy. I WANT DIGITAL PICTURES!

JAYLYNN: You're gross. You know how gross you are? You're so gross, that gross is my middle name.

KG: Hey, I'll whop you! I'll violate your bitch ass. I'll wreck you so hard right now! DO ME!

(long pause)

JAYLYNN: I would rather have sex with myself than have sex with you. In fact, I already had sex with the person who made me, you pervert. Wait, what did I say?

(RK comes down all dressed up like Jesse in "Triple Date")

RK: Jaylynn, what are you doing? We have to be at Buster's condo in an hour and 15 minutes!

JAYLYNN: Oh, you can count now? I don't have to listen to YOU, fat boy.

RK: My abs get more toned by the minute. And I know you're high.

KG: Jay...Jay, J...Jam-Master Jay, can you believe this joker? He thinks he's cool because he looks like Danny Pintauro's rectum.

JAYLYNN: No, you want to say...Jonathan Bower's rectum.

KG: That's better! They're the same people, but that's really better!

RK: I don't know who that is. Look, Jaylynn, get your ass washed up and ready to go because I'm driving tonight! And KG, time to lay off the weed!

KG: You and your...your, your anal retention. I don't need to take this garbage from you, Fungo. I know you have the secret recipe!

RK: What secret recipe?

KG: For...the journey to the center of the world.

(RK is bored beyond belief)

KG: HAVE AT ME, FUMGO!

(KG runs towards RK, but he simply sidesteps the attack and KG crashes his head into the door)

KG: I have an owie.

JAYLYNN: You're so cray, man. Get it? Cray-man? It sounds like Day-man? (Jaylynn snickers)

RK: You know, it actually feels good to be the mature one for a change.

SCENE 7

The Vidal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

SPARKY: So, you're ready to call your mom?

HALLEY: I have a question. Where are the guys?

SPARKY: They're having a little dinner party over at Buster's condo with blind dates. Jaylynn is going to bump butts with Anja, I don't know.

HALLEY: How do YOU know?

SPARKY: Buster's texted me all day? Gee, if a lifelong friendship means nothing...

HALLEY: OK, you know what, you should go upstairs and talk to my dad.

SPARKY: Good call. What's his number?

HALLEY: (718) 555-6410.

SPARKY: Sounds familiar. Thanks.

(Sparky runs upstairs to talk to Halley's dad)

HALLEY: Come on, come on. (calls her mom) Hi Mom! Um, hey, I wanted to talk about the divorce you and Dad are having and...

SPARKY: Look, I don't want any trouble here, I just need answers!

HALLEY: Hold on, Mom.

SPARKY: Who am I? Sir, you know who I am!

(Halley just has a blank stare while listening to Sparky's conversation upstairs)

SPARKY: I'm Sparky Morton MacDougal, your daughter's boyfriend! I met you last year in Brooklyn! I went to the family reunion! No, I'm not of Italian descent, I'm actually of Polish descent with a hint of Swiss. Or maybe it's the other way around. I'm not Jewish, you old fart, I don't have a religion! Yes, I'm Unitarian and I'm content with that fact! Yes, I vote Democrat! Yes, nonreligious people support President Obama too, you misinformed nihilistic cow! I'm getting pissed because you want to know my life story! Who do you think you are, Dave Pelzer's mother trying to reconnect?! Oh, is that so? Well, I'll have you know that your intense alcoholism will catch up to you one day, sir. Yes, I'm straight edge too, nothing wrong with that. I may be a square, but at least I'm not a pathetic...damn...DRUNK!

(Sparky hangs up)

SPARKY: (Bleep) this sucka.

HALLEY: Sparky, what the hell is your problem?! That's my father you were shooting at the mouth about!

SPARKY: He was a complete douchebag. I don't know what your mother saw in him anyway. Look, Halley, maybe we need to accept that this divorce is for the better. I mean, I needed to accept my place at that Republican rally a few weeks back.

CUTAWAY GAG

Sparky is at a rally for the Republican party, and is being held at gunpoint by several angry Republicans.

SPARKY: Um...Paul Ryan.

(The Republicans all say "Hmmmmm..." in unison and put down their guns)

SPARKY: John Boehner.

(The Republicans all say "Hmmmmm..." in unison again)

SPARKY: Herman Cain.

(Another "Hmmmm..." for the Republicans)

SPARKY: Um...Chris Christie?

(The Republicans go back to holding Sparky at gunpoint)

SPARKY: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! DON'T KILL ME!

END OF CUTAWAY

SCENE 8

The Newman Condominium

Interior Buster's Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

(Buster is in his own suit and tie which he borrowed from Danny Tanner in "Triple Date," and is reading a romance novel)

RK: Buster, why are you reading a romance novel? Isn't that for women who want to believe it can still happen for them?

BUSTER: Easy target, but I'll give you a check for style. Diana and I shared an incredible moment in the drink section at the corner store and I'm going to make this a magical night for her. I want to be the boy of her dreams. Her shining, glistening white knight in shining white armor. I'm imagining it in white.

RK: Why are you racist?

(Buster angrily stares at RK; Wade comes into the room looking snazzy; he's wearing what Joey wore in the episode)

WADE: Man, those blind dates aren't going to know what hit 'em! We're stone cold foxes!

BUSTER: Are you sure? I don't think I'm sexually attractive enough.

WADE: Take a look in the mirror, Slim Shady.

(Wade hands Buster a mirror)

BUSTER: Hell yeah, baby! No wonder she digs me, I'm happening! I'm stunting! The peroxide is working, my friends.

RK: Peroxide? I thought your hair was naturally blonde.

WADE: Likewise.

BUSTER: We don't need to talk about everything. (Buster notices a picture of him and Trina Perez taped on the wall, right near his Illmatic poster and "Boondocks Is Back" poster; he takes off the picture and looks unsure now)

RK: What's the problem, Buster?

BUSTER: This was one of the last pictures I ever took with Trina before she...well, you know.

WADE: You still have feelings for her, don't you?

BUSTER: I don't know. I mean, we never went out but she was my first love and this is my first real date. Should I get rid of this picture? Just...THROW away the memories?

RK: No, you would be a scorned ex-girlfriend if you did that. Look, Buster, I know that Trina would've wanted you to move on. That picture is just a reminder of your past still controlling you.

WADE: Yeah, just because you discard the photo, doesn't diminish the remnants of your kinship with her.

BUSTER: I guess so. You know, with Sparky being so busy lately, I'm glad I have you guys. What would I do without you?

RK: Well, you would be stuck with three dates tonight. Which actually wouldn't be so bad when you factor in all the sexy stuff.

(Buster and Wade slug RK on the arm affectionately and RK and Wade leave the room; Buster takes one last look at the room, turns off the lights, and throws the picture into the waste basket)

SCENE 9

The Newman Condominium

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Jaylynn and Asil walk into the condo; Jaylynn is wearing a suit and tie while Anja has on a white hijab and black jilbab)

JAYLYNN: You know, you look good.

ANJA: Thanks. Your butch look is working too.

JAYLYNN: You're too kind. You know, when I dress fancy, I do my best to butch.

(The two girls chuckle and RK comes in from the kitchen chuckling sarcastically)

RK: If you two were any cuter, you would be the next Bella Thorne and Zendaya.

JAYLYNN: That statement actually has weight now?

ANJA: RK, you look pretty good tonight.

RK: Hitting on me already, Ms. Saleh? I'll have you know that I have a blind date that I'm totally committed to. That is if she's bad. If she isn't, I'll see how I fit in with you two.

JAYLYNN: Keep your bozack at room temperature, nothing's happening tonight.

(Buster and Wade come downstairs)

WADE: So, Buster, I should've asked before, but it's quite imperative that we know the names of our blind dates.

BUSTER: That wasn't a question at all, it was just you wanting to find out.

WADE: Let's not split hairs here. Tell me the names.

BUSTER: Well, tonight, you guys are with Adriana and Anna.

RK: Anna? Wade, you take her.

WADE: How come I get Anna?

RK: Adriana is a very sexy-sounding name. After my trip to Brazil last summer, I will never turn away another Adriana ever again. Besides, Anna sounds smarty pantsy.

WADE: Well, Anna WAS the main character in Rodgers and Hammerstein's The King and I, one of the greatest plays of all-time. So I guess the name has historical value.

RK: See that, you two crazy buggers are bonding and you're not even in the room. You know what that is? A natural connection.

BUSTER: I thought it was being a big fat weirdo stalker.

(RK and Wade give Buster blank stares)

RK: Yeah, let's just go with that.

(doorbell rings)

BUSTER: It's them! Quick, walk to the door in a cool way.

(Buster, RK, and Wade try to walk casual and badass on their way to the door)

ANJA: You guys look like you just got rimmed by a Storm Trooper.

(Jaylynn raises her eyebrow at Anja, along with the boys)

ANJA: Hey, first efforts aren't always going to be good ones.

(Buster opens the door to reveal Adriana and Anna)

BUSTER: Oh, you must be Diana's friends. Come on in to my fabulous condominium. This way.

ADRIANA: Thank you. I'm Adriana Chachinski.

ANNA: And I'm Anna Revia-Khocholava.

BUSTER: Well, some last names. Adriana, please meet the wild and eccentric Ryan Kennedy Jennings.

(shakes Adriana's hand) RK: It's true. I'm a crazy man and I'm ready to blow. I mean, get blown. I mean, penetrate. I mean, have fun! I mean, do stuff! I mean...

(covers RK's mouth) BUSTER: RK, save the smooth talk for the dinner table, you slut. And Anna, let me personally introduce you to the intellectual of my friends, the brilliant Wade Saltalamacchia. Wait a minute! Where's Diana?! She cancelled, didn't she?! That bitch, she set me up! You guys have fun, I'm going to go see a movie and fap before the cops come to arrest me.

ADRIANA: Diana's just looking for a PARKING spot, silly.

BUSTER: Oh, OK. In that case, I take back that whole bitch thing, that's part of my latest...comedy routine over at the, um... Laugh Machine. (walks outside to meet Diana) PARK ON THE SIDEWALK!

(shakes Anna's hand) WADE: Pleased to make your acquaintance, Anna. You know, your name sounds Russian. Are you from Russia?

ANNA: No, my great-grandparents are. I'm just a descendant of Russian immigrants.

(Anna's cold tone makes everyone have a "Yikes-skeez!" look)

(to himself) WADE: Way to go, genius. I'm more fraudulent than Brian Griffin.

RK: Alright, so we all love each other.

JAYLYNN: I guess we're just chopped liver.

ASIL: I would say so.

RK: Sorry, girls. Adriana, Anna, please meet the fourth piece in our quadruple date puzzle. The very cynical Jaylynn Michelle Huie and her Muslim friend Anja Saleh. We're still trying to figure out her personality, we keep drawing blanks. (RK walks into the kitchen)

ADRIANA: Jaylynn, you are so pretty. You know, I'm so scared of people sometimes so I hope you don't hate me.

JAYLYNN: No way, you're adorable. Don't let RK break you.

ADRIANA: I'll keep that in mind, haha.

ANNA: Anja, you're beautiful. You look damn near like a model.

ANJA: Thank you kindly, but I don't have the model look. Of course, my old boyfriend said Tyra Banks is jealous of me.

(Anna chuckles and Jaylynn rolls her eyes)

RK: Alright, so the Mexican food is in the kitchen. We're going to have ourselves a real feast. Tacos, burritos, quesadillas, enchiladas...basically anything that sounds un-English...ish. I'm trying here, I don't know.

(Buster and Diana come in, and Diana stares at a shocked RK, who's shaking his head)

DIANA: Ryan?!

RK: Diana Katanova, long time no see. I have food to attend to, so excuse me.

BUSTER: Hold on, slappy. You two know each other?!

DIANA: Yeah, we were...involved in the past.

WADE: This is THE Diana?!

BUSTER: THIS is the Ryan you used to swap spit with?!

ADRIANA: HE'S Ryan?!

ANNA: You named your puppy after this joker!

(RK chuckles nervously)

RK: Wait a minute, I gave her three great months, I ain't no joker!

(Jaylynn and Anja's eyes widen)

ANJA: The plot thickens indeed.

JAYLYNN: Anja, we're in for the best night of our lives.

(The opening to the Big Time Rush theme song plays as no one knows what to make of anything)

SEGWAY SEGMENT

ROUNDTABLE

JAYLYNN: Hi, I'm Jaylynn Skylar Hernandez and welcome to this week's edition of RoundTable. This question was actually fan-submitted by Frederick McPherson of San Diego, California. The question is, "Is there such a thing as loyalty as a television fan?" Buster, you won the special lottery, so you take the floor first.

RK: We drew straws. How is that special? I should've gotten the short one.

WADE: Figures.

RK: You're gay.

JAYLYNN: QUIET! Buster, you're up first.

BUSTER: Thank you Jaylynn. I have to say no, definitely no. The fact of the matter is, nobody sits there and remains loyal to a television show. Eventually, the show disappoints you and you're never going to look back. Look at Family Guy. Everybody loved the first three seasons. A couple years later, guys like Benthelooney and those nutjobs on the A.V. Club act as if they never liked the show because it disappointed them. Everything people loved about Family Guy turned into things they hate. If people become disillusioned with a show, they turn against it and they stick up for another show. Loyalty is meaningless.

RK: I don't think you can necessarily blame those people for their choices, which are justified.

JAYLYNN: You're talking out of turn.

RK: The rule is that Buster was first to talk and that's it. GUILTY!

JAYLYNN: Fine, go ahead.

RK: Slam, bam, thank you, mam. Look, I don't think this question is even fair. A television show isn't a sports team. You don't root for a show to get better because television doesn't work in cycles like sports. You're either a good show, or you're not. Some shows get better as they age, some decline as they reach their peak early. The point is, every television show is resigned to a certain fate. Being loyal has nothing to do with it. Nobody deserves a crappy program, that's it.

SPARKY: I think you're missing the point of the question...

RK: I'M missing the question...POINT of the question?! YOU'RE missing the damn point! GUILTY!

SPARKY: I didn't even say anything.

(long pause; RK looks embarrassed)

RK: What's on your mind, homeboy?

SPARKY: This question is for people who say they're loyal to a TV show. Then the minute the quality doesn't reach their high standards, they move on to another show that they think is better. I don't think loyalty exists either. We don't root for shows, we root for sports teams. No one ever stays with a television show for that long because no one has patience like that. I mean, I stopped watching SpongeBob in 2008. I thought I was going to be in it for good, but I just couldn't do it. The show just became garbage to me after a while. So, no, to that question anyway. The same people who support you and love your show now will discredit you and hate you later.

WADE: You know, what Sparky said is exactly what happened to Phineas and Ferb. For a good four years, people loved that show. They thought it was the start of an animation Renaissance. Everybody hailed it as this generation's greatest cartoon. Then around 2012, you start to see the hate come in. Gravity Falls debuted, not to mention the fact that the landscape had changed for kids' animation. You started getting Regular Show, a much-improved Adventure Time, My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic, Steven Universe. A lot of people saw these surrealist, fantastical cartoons as more superior to Phineas and Ferb, and then the show that everybody loved for a couple years ended up becoming the show everyone hates. Most people want nothing to do with Phineas and Ferb these days. If you even come out and say that you're a fan of the show now, everybody looks at you like you're crazy. Loyalty is meaningless. Those fans of American Dad who think they're cool because they like a show with a small, loyal fanbase? They're going to be very disappointed in the summer if the tenth season on TBS ends up being a failure.

BUSTER: I'm going to say honestly that I stopped watching Phineas and Ferb after the movie. I knew nothing Dan Povenmire and Jeff "Swampy" Marsh did afterwards was going to go near that movie. That was my own personal choice to stop watching. I'm actually pretty into Adventure Time right now, that show is genius. But I can't stand to watch any other kids shows.

RK: I was a brony for at least a year. I loved My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic. Then around last May, I started thinking it was garbage and I haven't looked back.

SPARKY: Phineas and Ferb is one of the greatest cartoons of the 21st century.

WADE: I think Phineas and Ferb restricts itself being a slice of life cartoon. Nothing against it, but I think with these more imaginative and surreal cartoons, there are more places to go and more things to experience, so I think that's why it's trendy.

RK: If you remember, everybody was really into the 90s for a time and Phineas and Ferb is a child of the 90s, so when it first aired, it helped. Now people hate the 90s just as much as they hate Phineas and Ferb. The correlation is too easy to see here.

JAYLYNN: This has been another edition of RoundTable.

SCENE 10

The Newman Condominium

Interior Kitchen

Seattle, Washington

Buster and RK are in there alone, while everyone else is in the living room.

BUSTER: Your Diana is MY Diana?!

RK: Look, I think this crazy little sitcom coincidence can only be explained by one thing: Diana is clearly trying to give one of us VD.

BUSTER: HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!

RK: Well, I'm pretty sure in order to obtain VD, one must contract it from another which opens up a completely new book relating to Diana's sexual escapades...

BUSTER: YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT THE ANSWER TO!

RK: Will you stop yelling at me like Patrick Warburton on smack?

BUSTER: NO!

(long pause)

RK: (sighs) OK. Look, a while back, Diana and I were inseparable. Told her all my secrets, she told me all of mine and we thought we were made for each other. But somewhere along the line, things didn't work out and the magic was gone.

BUSTER: I don't know what to say. You've been heavily touting Diana for years as your greatest catch.

RK: Off-screen, obviously. I don't know why you're so bent out of shape anyway. I put Diana in the back seat years ago. She came here tonight to see YOU, not me. So if I were you, I would waltz in there, take off the bra, and pour some sugar on that One Direction-loving chick.

BUSTER: Diana IS sick in love with 1D like me. Alright.

(Buster smiles and pats RK on the back, then leaves the room)

RK: Wait, Buster?

BUSTER: Yeah.

RK: If this doesn't work out, you want to turn a blind eye to contraceptives at two in the morning? (starts playing with Buster's jacket)

BUSTER: Quit GROPING my lapel!

(Buster and a disappointed RK both leave)

BUSTER: Alright, who's ready for some pure, all-American quadruple dating fun?

(RK flashes a pack of Trojan condoms at the camera while smiling and nodding)

BUSTER: Put them away or you'll get laid. Laid out.

(RK slowly puts the condoms away)

WADE: Anna, has anyone told you you're reminiscent of a Renaissance piece?

ANNA: You have a pretty lonely night ahead of you if you think THOSE pickup lines will work.

(Everybody goes "Oooooooooh...")

(takes out a tape recorder) WADE: Note to self: The Takis joke isn't going to work out.

SCENE 11

The Vidal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Sparky and Halley are making out, but Halley starts to pull back)

SPARKY: What's wrong, Halley?

HALLEY: I don't know, really. I just can't stop thinking about my parents' divorce.

SPARKY: You're going to deny me at my friskiest state?!

HALLEY: How frisky are you?

SPARKY: Friskier than James Brown on a Public Enemy record. (Halley giggles) Halley, it's not doing you any good to just sit around and wonder what will happen if your parents aren't together. Just because they don't make love anymore, doesn't mean either of them love you any less. At the end of the day, you're still their whole world, and you still mean everything to them regardless of what's going on in their lives.

HALLEY: I guess you're right.

SPARKY: You're surrounded every day by people who love you, are IN love with you, and look out for you. And in the end, you might be dealing with this one scary change, but we're going to make sure we're on your team the whole way to help you adjust to it.

HALLEY: Thank you, Sparky!

(The two hug)

HALLEY: You know what I think?

SPARKY: What?

HALLEY: I think I get turned on when you get all moral.

SPARKY: Well, what do you suggest?

HALLEY: I suggest we stop talking and start kissing.

SPARKY: Well, are you ready, Topanga?

HALLEY: Game on, Cory.

(Halley giggles and the two resume making out)

SCENE 12

The Newman Condominium

Interior Kitchen

Seattle, Washington

ADRIANA: You know, for years, I've loved soccer. I'm actually on a team at school.

WADE: So, you're going to watch the World Cup this summer?

ADRIANA: Definitely! European teams are the most fun to watch always.

WADE: It should be a great one. So, Anna, you and I didn't exactly start off on the right foot but I have intentions of clearing that up.

(starts twirling hair) ANNA: I have to admit, Wade, I'm kinda excited now. What do you have planned?

(Anna squeezes Wade's hand romantically)

WADE: Allah, give me strength tonight!

ANNA: Allah? That means you're a...

WADE: Five Percenter, yes. I actually converted to the Nation of Gods and Earths a couple weeks ago.

ANNA: Ugh, I can't stand those 5% weirdos. They all come off as whiny, arrogant douchebags who think they have the answers to everything. I've just never been someone who can tolerate pretentious people.

JAYLYNN: Then you might have to start for our sakes.

WADE: Jaylynn...

ANJA: So, Jaylynn, are you sure this whole thing is supposed to be a friendly date?

JAYLYNN: I don't know what else it would be.

ANJA: I don't know. I just keep getting this weird vibe that you have a crush on me.

(Jaylynn spits out her juice)

BUSTER: AH, THE TABLE, JAYLYNN?!

JAYLYNN: Anja, that's crazy talk. How could I, Jaylynn Skylar Hernandez...POSSIBLY have feelings for you? I'm not even homosexual.

ANJA: Jaylynn, you told me you're lesbian as soon as we became friends.

(long pause)

JAYLYNN: Well for me, it was Tuesday. Look, you should probably put that out of your head. Me having a crush on you? Nah, girl. I don't know.

(Anja looks disappointed)

BUSTER: So Diana, you have plans on attending the Where We Are Tour?

DIANA: Of course I do, are you nuts? I'm prepared to make the trip to Pasadena in the fall. Maybe you would like to join me?

BUSTER: Maybe I would like to say yes?

RK: Maybe I would like to keep down my quesadillas? So Adriana, your skills on the soccer team improving?

(Adriana simply acts as if RK didn't just say something)

RK: Because you know, you talked about those big kids and...how big they are. I'm not hot tonight. And if I'm not hot, I'LL NEVER GET THE ASS!

(Everyone stares at RK like he's gone wackadoodle)

RK: Um, excuse my imaginary friend...Cardamom. Yeah, that's Cardamom. Always being so endearing and inappropriate at once.

WADE: Cardamom's a spice, you do realize that?

RK: Now I do and I'm very (bleep) embarrassed about it. Who wants coffee?

(Diana breaks into serious laughter, and an angry Buster stares at a shrugging RK)

SCENE 13

The Newman Condominium

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Buster and Diana are on the living room couch with a tray of coffee and coffee cups)

BUSTER: Diana, you look amazing tonight.

DIANA: Thanks Buster. When I saw you, I have to admit, I was getting the feels.

BUSTER: Well, let's try to get the feels back, huh?

(Diana sidesteps Buster's attempt to kiss her)

DIANA: Buster, I have something to say.

BUSTER: Look, if it's the rash on my ass, I'm sorry. It's not even that bad, I'm getting that treated for Darwin's sake!

DIANA: No, it's not that. And please continue the treatments. I just can't stop thinking about RK. Seeing him tonight just brought back all these feelings I thought were gone.

BUSTER: Oh, he's gay now. Totally gay. He's been trying to have hardcore, no-holds-barred butt-naked sex with me for months now. He has always told me that Brokeback Mountain is one of his absolute favorite movies.

DIANA: Then why did he agree to the blind date?

BUSTER: Because RK is a gentleman, first and foremost. He didn't even want to do it. I practically begged him to join us. He can barely even hold hands with a girl without feeling all googapapa.

DIANA: He's been trying to get Adriana's phone number all night.

(long pause)

BUSTER: So The Wretched are playing in Baltimore tomorrow night, huh?

(Diana rolls her eyes)

BUSTER: Look, D, we have something special, I feel that. I feel that all over myself in ways I'm going to have to explain to my doctor when I make the conscious decision to get tested someday. We're made for each other. We both love pop music. We're both little kids for life. And let's face it. We're Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence reincarnated, my friend.

DIANA: Who's RK?

(The two lean in to kiss, but Buster misses wildly and his lips connect with Diana's earring)

BUSTER: SON OF A BITCH, ARE YOU (BLEEP)ING WITH ME?!

DIANA: What's the matter?!

BUSTER: I don't know! (long pause) Oh yeah, I DO know. MY LIPS HIT YOUR EARRING AND NOW I HAVE TO CLOT! CLOT!

DIANA: Do you want, like a towel or something?

BUSTER: No, I'll take care of it. You stay here while I go...clot.

(Buster walks into the kitchen while Diana looks disappointed; Wade and Anna are at the kitchen table; Jaylynn and Asil are nowhere to be found)

WADE: So, what's going on in your school?

ANNA: My school is trying to keep up its pathetic little reputation by pretending to care about the students. They get the notoriety from the press and the school across the street is loaded with kids who have narcotics that sneak their way into OUR school. It's a cold day in Hell, Wade.

WADE: I could only have the slightest idea.

(Wade rolls his eyes)

ADRIANA: My school's filled to the thousands with all these cool Hispanic kids. But I don't hang out with all of them. Only the soccer-playing ones, haha.

WADE: That's actually pretty funny. Sit down, I would like to know more.

ADRIANA: If you insist. Well, half the time when I'm in school, I feel like nobody really understands me. I mean, my parents raised me to be this really nice and outgoing girl so...

RK: Adriana, would you like me to personally freshen your coffee?

ADRIANA: Diana is my best friend! Stay away from her!

(long pause; Adriana is pissed and RK is dumbfounded)

RK: I don't, um...I don't really see the point of your hostility and I promised I wouldn't snap any necks tonight, but you're not too pretty to get knocked.

ADRIANA: Try me, I can be REALLY hardcore when it comes to fighting.

ANNA: It's true. Adriana is the proverbial Quiet Storm. One time, she flipped a kid for taking her pencil.

RK: So? Why would she resort to that?

ANNA: The kid wasn't going to give it back.

RK: Oh.

(RK turns around and notices Buster has a dish towel on his mouth near the sink)

RK: Buster, did you try eating yourself again? We had an intervention about this, we got the guys from A&E, remember?

BUSTER: I eat the ice cube trays now, thank you very much. I cut my lip kissing Diana.

RK: I guess this is as good a time as any.

("Dirty Diana" by Michael Jackson plays in the background as RK starts playing air guitar Jimi Hendrix-style; Buster is not amused)

BUSTER: Bitch, you're not Steve Stevens. Cut it out. I missed her lips and kissed her earring.

WADE: Poor trajectory. Happens to the best of 'em.

RK: I really hope you're not putting yourself in that category.

BUSTER: RK, that girl's still hung up on you. I have no idea what you guys did way back when and I have no intention of ever knowing, but you need to set the record straight.

RK: Don't you worry, I will. It's for the best anyway. I'm not exactly on Adriana's good side right now.

WADE: Adriana? Anna's treating me like Galileo under trial. You would think she's just some drifter I picked up off the side of the road who has interesting anecdotes, but it never amounts to much else.

(long pause)

BUSTER: I think what you just said gave me yeast infection. Hey, where's Jaylynn and Anja? For some reason, they reek of being fourth wheels.

SCENE 14

The Newman Condominium

Interior Guest Room

Seattle, Washington

Jaylynn and Anja are in the guest room. Anja is on the bed disappointed while Jaylynn is trying to stall.

JAYLYNN: You know, this is a really nice clock here in Buster's guest room. Love the old-timey feel.

ANJA: Jaylynn...that's a barometer.

JAYLYNN: Well, a hurricane is on its way, we better start packing!

ANJA: Jaylynn, hang on a minute. When you said you didn't like me in the kitchen, I knew you were lying.

JAYLYNN: Oh, really?

ANJA: Yeah. I KNOW you have a crush on me. It ain't hard to tell. The way you look at me, the way you get nervous whenever you hear me speak, the sense that you're thinking about me. I know it.

JAYLYNN: And that's a good thing or bad? You seem to get some sexual thrill out of this, don't you?

ANJA: No, I'm not. I can't even tell you if I'm into girls that way. But I see it.

JAYLYNN: I think you're barking up the wrong tree, Anja. I don't have a crush on you.

ANJA: Well, what if I applied...some lip gloss? Would that get you going?

JAYLYNN: Probably not.

(Anja looks dumbfounded, and then starts to sensually rub on her lip gloss; Jaylynn is unfazed, having an unrelenting blank stare)

ANJA: So, this isn't turning you on in any way?

JAYLYNN: Nope.

ANJA: This isn't sexy at all?

JAYLYNN: Dream on, I'm not aroused by what you just did.

(long pause)

ANJA: Does this count as assault?

JAYLYNN: It would if you went further, yes. If you hadn't stopped, I would have half a mind to call the cops on you. Don't let it happen again, Anja.

ANJA: I'm...I'm sorry.

(A disappointed Anja leaves while Jaylynn has on an angry stare)

JAYLYNN: Damn, pretending to be straight is hard work.

SCENE 15

The Newman Condominium

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

WADE: So, in my honest opinion, Spain is most likely to win the World Cup.

ADRIANA: Probably, but I think it's going to be England. It HAS to be England. Everyone in the English Premier League is a beast.

WADE: Probably, but when I look at Spain, I look at a team that has everything it needs to win again. At the end of the day, it's simply coming back and doing work. Spain is all-business, no doubt about it.

(running down the steps en route to the door) ANJA: Hi. Bye.

(Asil slams the front door shut)

WADE: I really hope Jaylynn didn't try to tickle Anja.

ADRIANA: Why?

WADE: Because you don't want to get tickled by Jaylynn.

RK and Anna are in the kitchen along with Buster and Diana. Buster and Diana are at the kitchen table and aren't speaking to each other.

RK: You know, I think you should definitely consider being a surgeon. It's an incredible job.

ANNA: I've loved hospitals ever since I was younger. You have no idea how much of a thrill it can be to see a doctor at work.

RK: Well, if the doctors are half as attractive as you, I'll make an appointment every day.

ANNA: I don't get it. You're so corny and I love it.

RK: Well, you're so dark and I love it.

ANNA: I guess we need to do something about that, right?

RK:...Right.

(RK and Anna lean in about to kiss when...)

DIANA: RK, I need to talk to you.

RK: We'll do something about it when salt no longer is rubbed all over my game.

(RK and Diana go upstairs and into Buster's room)

DIANA: RK, do you think God wants us to have a second chance?

RK: I never know what God wants. I'm stressed out half the time and unlike many other Christians, the Lord's plan is a big fat crock in my mind. But I'm pretty sure God wants you and Buster to have a chance.

DIANA: RK, I can't believe you didn't feel anything when you saw me standing there tonight.

RK: What I felt was the reminder that I've been in 26 different relationships and I'm 100% free of STDs. And to tell you the truth, more than half of those weren't with girls. Diana, the timing is all off with the two of us. If you and Buster don't work out, that's cool with me. But I'll be damned if I sit there and let myself be the reason. We had a great run, Diana, and we can be friends, but I will never do anything to hurt Buster like that.

DIANA: I see. You know what? I want to make it work with Buster. You're really mature, RK.

RK: Thank you. And you shouldn't sell yourself short either, remember that satire conversation we had?

DIANA: I creamed you in that.

RK: Are you kidding? You couldn't give ONE example of how Aaron McGruder's use of satire has impacted black culture. ONE.

(Anna comes in and jumps onto RK)

ANNA: Let's do this.

(The two immediately start making out, and Diana gets kind of creeped out so she slowly backs away and walks out of the room)

SCENE 16

The Newman Condominium

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Everybody's in the living room, except for Anja who hasn't returned. Diana, Adriana, and Anna are about to leave. Jaylynn looks disappointed as she sits on the couch.

JAYLYNN: I don't know what to do now. She hates me, I know it.

WADE: Did you want to kiss her?

JAYLYNN: I wanted to devastate that chick! But I really can't do anything with Anja. She's so awesome and even though I have feelings for her, I don't want to jeopardize our friendship.

WADE: That's pretty mature of you to do, Jaylynn. I hope things work out. By the way, do you have any pictures or video or MP3 of Anja applying lip gloss?

JAYLYNN: Unfortunately, no.

WADE: Damn! Well, I have a gal anyway.

(Wade goes to see Adriana off)

BUSTER: I thought you didn't want to be my girlfriend.

DIANA: That was never the case. I thought I still had feelings for RK, but I don't want to ruin things with you. I want to give us a chance.

BUSTER: Are you sure?

DIANA: You tell me.

(Diana kisses Buster passionately)

BUSTER: You're damn sure, that much is clear.

WADE: Adriana Chachinski, you're a lot of fun.

ADRIANA: Thanks. Remember what I said about Smingus Dingus.

WADE: Yes, I will make sure I douse my friends with water.

(Adriana chuckles, and the two kiss briefly. Then it becomes more passionate.)

ADRIANA: You know, you're a lot of fun too.

RK: How did the two of us get together?

ANNA: I guess you just have to keep searching for the right person.

RK: You know, I have a big brother KG. Maybe we can all hang out sometime.

ANNA: I have a little brother Nikoloz. Maybe we could have a playdate?

RK: Or we could just play.

(The two kiss briefly, and then it gets passionate.)

RK: (Bleep), I love getting some.

ANNA: Call me.

RK: No doubt.

ADRIANA: Wade, be careful when you call me because my parents always love to know what I'm up to.

WADE: Affirmative.

DIANA: Make sure to call me, Buster. Or Facebook, Oovoo, Kik, I'm all over the place.

BUSTER: Sounds like a plan.

(Diana, Adriana, and Anna all leave and Buster closes the door)

BUSTER: Guys, this was a wild night! And you thought the blind dates wouldn't work out.

WADE: I can't believe it. We all have girlfriends now. WE'RE WITH FEMALE COMPANIONS!

RK: Who would have thought Diana's friend would dig the R to the K? Too bad the bathroom's still a mess.

JAYLYNN: What the hell are you talking about?

RK: I don't know. Hey Jaylynn, it looks like you're the only member of the group without a girlfriend.

JAYLYNN: Is that supposed to faze me?

RK: Yes, that's why I said it.

JAYLYNN: Well, I'll have you know I'm perfectly fine. Now if you excuse me, I'm going to go home and remind myself of that.

RK: Really?

JAYLYNN: By the time I'm done, it won't even matter.

(black screen)

TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: Now it's time for...

STEVE SONGS: Yoo-hoo!

KIDS: Music Time!

STEVE SONGS: With Steve Songs.

("Life's a Bitch" by Nas featuring AZ playing in the end credits)

©2014 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS

HAPPY 20TH ANNIVERSARY, ILLMATIC