Purgatory
The pain in my chest grew to a crescendo as I fell to the wooden boards beneath my feet, my knees barely registering any feeling as they slammed onto the wood. I could hear Hester crying my name, but it sounds as though she is far away. How can that be? She was right next to me when I addressed the crowd, when I confessed my sin to the very people who had once held me so high in their respect. Now all I sense is my chest ripping apart on the inside, my heart, like a dying beast, struggling to cling to life that is quickly fading. One last try, one last attempt to regain my feet and continue on free of guilt with the woman I love. I gathered what was left of my strength to uncurl my feeble frame, and my heart bursts with stress. My body completely crumples to the wood planks. My face smashes into the boards of the scaffold. And as the world fades into darkness, I hear Hester say my name one last time as a lover would whisper to another.
I feel again. I had drifted off into the cold embrace of death and now I can feel my body again. What strange sorcery is this? Am I in hell? I feel no pain from fire. I cannot be in hell, though I deserve it from what I have done. But am I in heaven? I must open my eyes, but lying here feels so peaceful after everything I have been through. No! I must get up. I open my eyes to see a sky of grey, a single shade of grey like that of a smooth river stone. There are no clouds and it appears that this is the natural color of the sky. I sit up and look about to find the ground I am sitting on is a white hard substance that reminds me of marble. It is as white as snow in the winter and goes on uninterrupted for as far as I can see. There are no bumps, hills, or valleys. I cannot be in heaven, because I do not see anything from what the Bible described. There is no sun or visible source of the light I wonder if it will get dark in a few hours, or will it stay in this state of grey light that seems to permeate everything in this place. Where can I be? Then it dawns on me. I must be in purgatory! What else could this empty realm be? There is nothing here to torment me, yet there is nothing here to bring me joy. For how long will I be kept in this place, and is there anything to do that will help speed up the process? I must be waiting in heaven when my dear Hester passes on, because she will surely go straight to heaven.
"Hello!" I called out. "Is there anybody out there?"
No one replies to my calling. There is not even an echo, which disturbs me greatly. Now that I think about it I cannot hear anything at all. There is no wind whistling in the trees, for there are no trees to speak of, and I have not felt any wind since I regained consciousness. It seems as though nature does not exist here. Maybe there are other things that are different in this world that were normal in life. I start to run as fast as I can and jump, but I go about as far as I would have gone if I was still alive. Realization hits me. I am not tired at all from my experiment. Normally that would have at least drawn out some sweat from my brow, or a little hard breathing. It seems as though my body does not have the same physical needs as it did in life. Does that mean I will not have to eat or drink during my time here? Well that is one good thing to come of this. I do not think I would have been able to find any water or food in this barren wasteland had I needed to. I wonder how long I can run without growing tired. Setting off at a brisk pace I start to run as though I was going for a morning jog. I cannot tell how far I am running because there is nothing distinguishable about the terrain and therefore nothing to judge how far I have run besides guessing at how fast I am going and how long I think I have been running for. Why am I doing this in the first place? What does it matter how far I can run in this strange world? It does not matter at all. What does matter is why I am really here. I agree that I have done terrible things in my life and deserve judgment, but my faith says that there is no purgatory. When we die we either go to heaven or to hell. There is no middle option. Could we have been wrong? Or am I here for a different reason?
There is no way to tell time in this abominable place for there is no sun or stars to track the passing of the days. Have I been here for months, or merely days? I do not know. I spend my time sitting and staring at what I believe to be the "sky" in this realm. At one time I yelled and screamed for someone to answer me even if was just from afar. To just know that there was someone else here would be a boon of comfort to me and my weary soul. If only I had some answers to the questions swimming about in my mind!
"What have I done to deserve this?" I screamed.
Again there is no reply, no echo. Even an echo would help since it would give me a sense of home and of something familiar.
"You have done many things," boomed a commanding voice, "but the reason why you are here is to provide solace in the millenniums to come,"
The voice seemed to come from nowhere and everywhere all at the same time. Maybe it even was just resonating within my head. Tears of joy at just hearing another voice sprung from my eyes and rushed down my cheeks. Sheer joy quickly turned into panic as I came to the conclusion that it could not have been another voice, but that of my mind cracking under the weight of the utter solitude that I had been experiencing for who knows how long. I fell to my knees and with my fists rising in frustration and sadness I screamed. The tears of joy were now sobs of desolation.
"Do not cry, my son, for I am not a figment of your worn down mind, but a friend to you in this time of need."
"Are you God?"
"I am."
Falling on my face in reverence I cried out, "Oh God, why am I here and what can I do to make it stop? I have been here for what feels like months and my soul is tired. Please help me!"
"You speak as though you are still in your body and alive. This is not so. Your body has died and is no more, but your soul lives on and that is what you are now. You are your soul."
"Well then what is supposed to come help me have solace through the millenniums to come?"
"Someone you knew when you were still alive is coming to talk with you soon, for they are about to die."
With fear racing through my body I thought of Hester and tears of sorrow once more ran down my cheeks. It has to be her! Who else could comfort me in this time of despair?
"Please God, spare Hester! She is a good woman and has a child to care for. She cannot die now!"
"Hester lives and will continue to live for some time now. Someone else comes from your life among the living that will bring you solace."
Who could it be? No one else that I knew would be able to tell me it would be alright and for me to believe it. Those words coming from anyone else would be hollow and drop to the ground as worthless as dead leaves falling in autumn.
"When will they be coming? When will their time end?"
"Soon my child, soon."
I sat down with my head in my hands and did not hear God say anything more. It seems He is as mysterious face to face as He is in the Bible. I try to sleep, but since my soul does not need for anything it is impossible. I just lay here with my eyes closed and try to empty my mind, which is proving to be impossible as well. I still cannot tell if time is passing or not. It is infuriating.
"Why would you come talk to me if you did not mean what you said?" I yelled. "No one has shown up and it has been weeks since we talked!"
Silence. It almost has its own echo to it. Like when you strike a tuning fork and it resonates and echoes about, absolute silence is much the same. I have come to realize that silence can be loud. The silence here is deafening. I cannot hear myself think and when I talk this place seems to absorb my words before they have even left my mouth, before I even know to have said them. If this fabled person does not come soon I am likely to start talking to myself and then I will be truly mad.
I sigh, get up, and look around. My breath catches in my throat. There is a man lying face down not ten feet from me. Where did he come from? How did he get here? Is he dead as well? Does everyone who dies come here? No, that cannot be true. There has to have been more than just one death since I arrived here. It has been months and people die all the time. Or at least I think it has been months. What if time in here moves differently than out in the physical world? I guess there are some things which I will never know, and frankly do not need to know. I stare at the man for a little bit and then I call out.
"Hello? Are you ok?"
He offers no response and does not even move. I creep close enough to him in order to see if he is breathing. He is not! How can he be dead here? Oh, but wait. If I do not need to sleep, eat, or drink why would he need to breathe? I take a second and confirm that I myself am not breathing either, so the fact that he is not breathing is nothing to go by if he is still alive, or just another anomaly to unnerve me. I call out once more.
"Hello? Are you ok?"
The man raises his head and grunts, "Oh, it is you."
Fear runs through my veins like ice water. The face belongs to the man that had terrorized me for weeks. It is Chillingworth! What is he doing here? I am on my way to heaven! Surely he cannot be headed towards the same destination? At least I thought I was going to heaven. No, of course I am. Why would God say he was going to provide me with solace if I was going to be punished for all eternity in hell? Oh no. It cannot be. The person who is supposed to be coming to provide me with solace is Chillingworth?! How can a man who made it his life's goal to make my life as miserable as possible until I died bring me any solace? If this is some cruel joke from God, while I may have deserved it, I now wonder what else about God I misunderstood. Well, if Chillingworth is the one who is supposed to bring me solace, I should get this over with so I can continue on to heaven and await my sweet, beautiful Hester.
"Where are we?" asked Chillingworth.
"I am not entirely sure, but I think this is some sort of purgatory," I answered.
A look of hope crossed over Chillingworth's face. A smile grew on his sinister face.
"Ha ha! Somehow I have done it!" cried Chillingworth. "Somehow I have tricked God into letting me go to heaven! For only those who are supposed to end up in heaven go to purgatory! People destined for hell just go straight there! Ha ha!"
As I realized that he did not know his purpose here a smile of my own grew on my face.
"What are you smiling about?" asked Chillingworth.
"You are not going to heaven, my dear villain. You have a different purpose, then you are destined to go to the deepest pit in hell."
"And how would a worm like you know of this?"
"I have conversed with God himself and he has told me of your purpose, and it does not end with you entering heaven through the pearly gates, or any other way for that matter."
"Oh really?! Then what is my purpose? If you know so much then tell me!"
"You are supposed to bring me solace in the time I will spend in heaven."
With a wink I turned around to let the information to sink in and for him to brew about it. Not long after I turn back around to see what destruction my words had wrought and a fist is heading for my face. I have no time to duck and it hits me square on the jaw. I fall backwards and land on my back. As I sit up I ask him a question.
"What on earth was that for?!"
"Oh, you insufferable little worm, do you not know? God is playing a joke on you! He does not really care for the woes of his creation. He just likes to prod his little pawns this way or that so something terrible befalls them and he derives joy from it. This is hell! Do you not understand? He placed us in a realm we cannot escape from and paired us with the person we hated most in life. You hated me for torturing you and I hated you for sleeping with my wife and siring what should have been my daughter! And with each other as our only company our minds will soon dissolve to mush."
"God would not do that! He loves us! He cares for us! The only reason why bad things happen to us is to test our love for him and our loyalty to him!"
"Are you really that naive that you would believe that? I always thought you just preached that nonsense in order to have a flock of brainless nobodies that fed your coffers and kept your belly full. Now I see you actually believe that manure. What a pathetic excuse for a man. But what does it matter now that we are dead? Just go away as far as you can and leave me alone."
I shook my head, turned away, and left. Chillingworth had not shaken my faith as he might have sought to do. On the other hand all I felt was pity. How could anyone be as hopeless as he was in life? It was not as though he just did not believe in a God; he believed there was a God and that he was an evil and self-centered one. How could anyone live like that? If he had just believed that there was no God, then whatever bad things that happened to him were just random with no order or reason. But with his belief there was an all-powerful God that found joy in making the lives of his creation terrible, if something bad happened it was because this God did it on purpose just to see him struggle and live a life of pain and sadness. No wonder he did what he did. I understand him. He calls me pathetic, but the one who lived the pathetic life was him. I turned back to him to find him with his back to me and weeping into his hands.
"I forgive you."
A flash of light shoots out from Chillingworth. All around him flames spring up and he is instantly engulfed, but is not burning up. He claws at his face and his screams are so loud they hurt my ears. In a heartbeat he is gone.
I understand why he was brought he before he was sent to hell. God wanted me to understand Chillingworth in order to forgive him. I wonder if in order for everyone to go to heaven God brings them here to first be broken and then to find a sort of closure from life. I feel calm. Joy fills my soul as I realize I am free from him, free from his reign of terror, and free from any effects he may have had on me.
"I see that your time here has done what I intended."
I look behind me to see a figure of light and warmth standing not ten feet from me. I can feel warmth and love radiating from him. I immediately fall to my face and worship him.
"You may arise, my son. I am sorry if my heavenly form has overwhelmed you."
As I got up I saw that he was now how I had pictured Jesus looked like during his time on earth, a kindly man with work worn hands and a big, loving smile clothed in a pure white robe. I could see tears streaming down his face.
"God, why are you crying?"
"One of those I loved is now in hell, and through me another of them that I love was hurt."
"But God, I understand why you did this. It is ok."
"I know it is," God said as he chuckled. "I am God after all. It still causes me pain though,but it is all for the best. Your purification is complete and you may now join me and my other children in heaven. You are sad now. Why is that, my son?"
"Why do people like Chillingworth have to exist in the first place? If everyone was good then everyone could be in heaven with you and you would not be sad about people being in hell, because no one would be there."
"This is the way I created the world. If everyone was good then they would not have the choice to choose me and that is what I desire. Come, let us go home. To heaven."
A burst of light consumes us both as God walks closer to me and hugs me. He is comforting and I can feel tears of happiness running down both of our faces. He pulls away and gives me a look that reminds me of when my earthly father would look at me with proud eyes after I had done something well. Angels appear out of nowhere and surround us much like the flames had surrounded Chillingworth on his way to hell. Instead of screams tearing from our throats and clawing at our faces, laughter burst from our souls and we embraced everyone in a massive family hug. Contentedness filled me as I realized God had said something so true. We were headed to heaven where we belonged. I was headed home.