I do not own any X-Men Evolution Characters or any soda brand names. Well except the ones that are obviously made up. Lately there has been a debate of whether or not to ban sodas from schools. I had this thought. What would happen if this hot topic landed on the doors of Bayville High? How would our favorite groups of merry mutants react?
My Kingdom for a Diet Coke
It started with Lance and Kitty sitting down together under a tree in the quad for lunch. "So do you think I have a chance of passing my chemistry test?" She asked.
"Are you kidding?" Lance smiled. "You'll ace it! You want some soda?"
"Sure!" Kitty nodded.
"Well get it while you can cause you won't be able to for much longer!" Todd poked his head out of the tree.
"TOAD!" Lance shouted. "How long have you been there?"
"Since I teleported him here," Kurt popped his head out of the tree.
"KURT YOU ARE SO DEAD!" Kitty shouted.
"Not now Kitty!" Kurt shouted. "We have a crisis on our hands! I'm talking major disaster here!"
"Yeah man this is an all points bulletin!" Todd cried out hopping down. "This affects all of us yo! That's why the fuzz ball and I called a meeting between our two groups!"
"What is it?" Lance asked. "Some kind of mutant hunter? A dangerous psychopath? Magneto's back?"
"Worse!" Kurt wailed. "Read this!" He pushed a flyer into Lance's face. "They want to ban our sodas from the school!"
"This is a catastrophe!" Todd shouted. "We must rally the troops!"
"Come on!" Kurt grabbed Kitty's arm and Todd grabbed Lance's arm. They were dragging them to the middle of the quad where the picnic tables were.
"We are never going to get any alone time are we Kitty?" Lance groaned.
All the other members of the X-Men and the Brotherhood were already at a table. "For the last time Blob, banning sodas from the school is not an a sign of the apocalypse!" Scott groaned.
"Well it should be!" Fred snapped. "That's how it starts! First they take away our sodas. Then they take away our snack bars and candy bars. Then no more pizza day! No more cupcakes! The next thing you know we won't be eating anything at all! Just swallowing pills! Vitamin pills! But they won't be vitamins, oh no…it will be worse! Much worse! Those so-called pills will really be people! It will be the newest way for the government to control the student population! Too many kids? Just shrink 'em down to little pills and swallow them up! Like in that movie Solvent Green!"
"Soylent Green Blob," Pietro rolled his eyes. "Soylent Green."
"Well it was something green," Fred said. "And then we'll all be forced to wear uniforms and act like zombies all day and then when the teachers get hungry ZAP! We're all gonna be pills man!"
"Some of us are already pills," Rogue grumbled.
"Don't you just love his little theories?" Pietro quipped.
"Uh, could somebody please tell me what's going on?" Kitty asked.
"They want to ban all sodas from the school," Scott told her.
"You're kidding right?" Kitty asked.
"I wish we were," Tabitha groaned. "Stupid adults and their power trips!"
"But why?" Lance asked.
"Oh some garbage about it not being healthy for us," Fred had a several colas with him. He drank one in an instant and crushed the can. "I mean they say because of all the sugar in them they cause people to gain weight." Fred drank another can. "I mean that's ridiculous! How can you get fat from a liquid?" He drank another can. "Where did they get the stupid idea that you can get fat from drinking sodas!" He drank yet another soda.
Rogue looked at him. "It's a mystery to me."
"Well I have to admit that isn't a totally implausible theory," Scott shrugged.
"I think it's more due to the fact that people eat super sized food and snack cakes with their drinks," Evan said.
"This is so whack!" Kurt snapped. "I mean are we gonna have to buy our own sodas and bring them in now? Because that's what's gonna happen anyway!"
"Those that can afford it," Todd grumbled.
"You don't buy sodas now," Rogue said. "You steal them from the vending machines."
"That's beside the point," Todd told her. "We're talking about our rights here!"
"YEAH!" Fred, Kurt and Tabitha agreed simultaneously.
"We're talking about our freedom here!" Todd shouted.
"YEAH!" The trio shouted.
"WE'RE TALKING ABOUT REVOLUTION!" Todd shouted. "DOWN WITH THE ESTABLISHMENT! ANARCHY NOW!"
"What?" Kurt yelped.
"YEAH!" Fred shouted.
"I wouldn't go that far Toad," Tabitha told him. "Well not yet anyway."
"You know what I think?" Jean said.
"Here we go," Pietro grumbled.
"I think whoever came up with this idea is a sadistic jerk that's what I think!" Jean snapped.
"WHAT?" Everyone said at once.
"I'm sorry, could your repeat that?" Tabitha blinked. "I'm not sure I heard that right."
"You mean," Rogue blinked. "You. Jean Grey. Miss Popularity that's on twenty-seven different committees. The girl who reminds teachers that they forgot to give out homework is against this?"
"Well how do you think I get through all those twenty seven different committees?" Jean said sarcastically. "Sheer willpower? Without my Diet Coke and my Orange Super Crush Sodas I'd fall asleep!"
"Just like everyone else in your audience," Pietro quipped.
"Do you want our help or not?" Jean snapped.
"She's right," Todd said. "We have to work together on this! We don't have any choice!"
"Toad's right. Summers we have an enemy that's bigger than both of us," Lance said.
"For once I agree," Scott nodded. "We have to put our differences behind us and work together!"
"Well this ought to be fun," Pietro snickered.
"I'm not crazy about this either Pietro," Evan said. "But we gotta work to stop this!"
"How?" Fred asked.
"There's a school board meeting at the end of the week," Kitty said. "We could start a petition and take up our case with them there."
"Sounds like a plan," Scott said.
"And then we get to have a revolution and take over the school?" Todd asked.
"Nobody is taking over anything!" Scott said. "We're going to do this peacefully! We'll state our case and hopefully the members of the board will listen to reason."
"Hah!" Lance scoffed. "Reasonable adults. Now there's a contradiction in terms! But he does have a point. We might as well give it a try."
"And if that doesn't work then can we have a revolution?" Todd asked.
"Oh brother," Scott groaned.
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That afternoon Professor Xavier found that the kitchen of the X-Mansion was transformed into a campaign headquarters. There were charts and posters everywhere. Fred and Pietro were on the phones talking. Jean, Scott, and Lance were arguing about strategy and everyone else was either making posters or doing some kind of research.
"What is going on here?" Xavier asked.
"It's okay Professor we invited them," Scott said. "Just this once. We have a project that we need to work on."
"Oh a school project?" Xavier asked.
"You could say that," Lance told him. "They are trying to ban sodas from the school and we're going to stop them!"
"I've already spoken to Duncan," Jean said. "He said we can count on the entire football team signing our petition."
"Surprise, surprise," Scott grumbled under his breath.
"Yeah and they can also be helpful for forming an angry mob if we get voted down," Lance said.
"We are not using the football team as a mob to get what we want!" Scott snapped.
"Why not?" Lance asked. "It's not like they don't do it on their own free time."
"You have to admit he has a point there," Rogue said. "Toad will you stop making those signs?!"
"What's wrong with my signs?" Todd held up a sign saying 'ANARCHY NOW!'
"Somebody please explain to me why Toad is on a revolution kick?" Rogue groaned.
"Who knows?" Tabitha sighed. "Do you really want to know where he gets these ideas from?"
"Not really," Rogue sighed.
"I must admit I'm impressed that you are all taking such an active involvement in your school," Xavier said. "Even the Brotherhood."
"Yeah Freddy and Pietro have been on the phones for an hour drumming up support," Todd said.
"With the Blob I wouldn't be surprised if he was actually ordering take out instead," Rogue grumbled.
"He is not!" Lance snapped. "When he puts his mind to it, Freddy can do more than think about his stomach!"
"Why should you sign the petition?" Fred asked to the person on the phone. "Because if you don't I'm may personally go to your house and pound you into a pancake if you don't, that's why!"
"See?" Lance said.
"FRED!" Jean screamed going over to the phone and slamming down on the receiver. "You can't threaten people on the phone to sign the petition!"
"Why not?" Fred asked.
"Well besides the obvious fact that it's illegal and just plain wrong it goes against the very principals of a peaceful demonstration that's why!" Jean shouted.
"I didn't say I was actually gonna pound him," Fred defended himself. "I said I may go over and pound him. There is a difference you know!"
"Yeah for the Blob that is peaceful," Lance chuckled.
"That reminds me," Xavier muttered to himself. "While I'm down here I should add aspirin to the shopping list."
"At least I'm working on this!" Fred said. "Not like Pietro who's talking to one of his girlfriends on the phone!"
"No, no my bella amia!" Pietro crooned into the phone. "You are my only one! I know you are! So how's the weather in Naples?"
"Naples!" Xavier shouted. "As in Naples Italy?"
"You bet," Pietro put his hand on the phone and winked. "Gotta keep up with my pen pals. Oh! Hang on Stephania! I have another call!" He waited a second. "Yes I'll accept the charges operator! Aloha Annie! How's things in Waikiki?"
"OH NO YOU DON'T!" Somehow Xavier managed to grab the phone from Pietro. "He'll call you back!" He hung up the phone.
"What?" Pietro looked at him. The phone rang again.
"Stephania Pietro will call you back," Xavier snapped into the phone and hung it up again. Then it rang again. "Hello? Who? Fiona? Where are you calling from? FRANCE? No he is not available at this number any more!" He hung up. The phone rang again. "How many pen pals do you have Pietro?" He grumbled.
"Hey I'm a man of the world," Pietro grinned.
"Hello?" Xavier asked. "No Pietro is not available! Who is this? Bianca from Brazil? Well Pietro is no longer at this address!" He hung up. Once again the phone rang.
"Pietro remind me to have a long talk with you later," Xavier grumbled as he answered the phone. "All right now…oh…I see. Fred its Mr. Ping's Chinese Buffet. They want to know if they can substitute Crab Rangoon for the spare ribs. They ran out."
"It's all good," Fred waved.
"I told you," Rogue groaned.
"Yes it's fine," Xavier spoke into the phone and hung up.
"Well you did promise to feed us," Fred pointed out to Scott.
"I did didn't I?" Scott groaned. "Professor, remember that credit card you gave me for emergencies? Well I kinda had to use it."
"I see," Xavier sighed. "Students…while I applaud most of your efforts into this exercise, maybe you are all overreacting."
"What do you mean?" Kitty asked.
"Well there is a problem with nutrition and childhood obesity in this country," Xavier said. "Sodas do contribute to weight gain if they are overindulged. I mean I don't see why you can't simply drink milk or water or any non-carbonated drink such as juices. They can give energy as well. And it is healthier for you."
"What are you saying Xavier?" Lance looked at him suspiciously.
"I had a conversation with Principal Kelly earlier this week and I said that I would support him on this measure," Xavier said.
"What?" Scott yelped. "You're for this?"
"I knew it!" Lance snapped. "I always said you couldn't trust adults!"
"Now wait a minute," Xavier said. "Hear me out. There is a reason for this. Its called caffeine. Mutants are much more susceptible to it than normal humans. In fact the effects of too much caffeine are the same as alcohol in a normal human. Can you imagine what would happen if a mutant had too much caffeine in his or her system? What kind of damage it could cause?"
Everyone looked at Pietro. "What?" He asked them.
"I'm just trying to say you should think about both sides of the issue before you get carried away," Xavier told them.
The phone rang again. "I think I'll go upstairs now," Xavier grumbled. "I hear a large bottle of aspirin calling me." He wheeled away.
"More like a large bottle of scotch," Lance grumbled under his breath.
"I HEARD THAT!" Xavier called out.
Meanwhile Pietro was talking to his latest phone call. "Hi Lucy? How are you doing?"
"Pietro will you stop flirting with the members of your fan club!" Todd snapped. "We need some serious help here!"
"What do you think I'm doing?" Pietro looked at him. "Lucy works on the school paper. She'll get us some great support."
"Yeah I can see the headline now," Fred grumbled. "Another Score for Quicksilver."
"Hold on darling," Pietro spoke into the phone. Then he ran over to Fred and smacked him on the head using his super speed. He went back to the phone. "Sorry darling."
"Hey!" Fred rubbed his head and made a move to pound Pietro.
"Stand down," Lance told "Leave him alone. We have more important matters to deal with."
"Yeah like our presentation," Kitty said. "I mean we gotta get up in front of a whole bunch of people and speak. Scary. Don't get me wrong, but I don't really want to do that."
"I could go up and tell them that all this drinking soda making people overweight is a load of bunk!" Fred said. "I don't mind!"
"Uh, maybe Jean should be the one doing the talking," Scott gulped.
"Why?" Fred glared.
Lance quickly intervened. "Because she's on dozens of committees and stuff. She's practically Queen of the School. Let's face it, if she does the talking it's the best chance we have of winning."
"Yeah I guess you're right," Fred sighed.
"Plus if Blob here gave a speech we'd all be shut down within two minutes," Evan said. "I mean look at you! You ain't exactly the best candidate to talk about student health issues! Unless it's how to get fat."
"DIE!" Fred screamed as he started to chase Evan out the door.
"Uh should any of us be helping him?" Kitty asked.
"Nah I think Freddy can handle him," Lance waved. "Besides, Daniels brought it upon himself."
"Yeah it's like going up to a 400 lb. gorilla waving bananas in his face and telling him he can't have any," Scott grumbled. "So how are we gonna fight this?"
"We hit them where it hurts!" Lance said. "The budget!"
"That's right!" Jean said. "A lot of the funding for extracurricular activities does come from soda sales. Vending machines bring in a lot of revenue for the school. Of course they'd bring in a lot more if somebody didn't keep blowing them up."
Everyone looked at Tabitha. "What?" She asked.
"I've got some statistics right here," Kitty brought them out.
"Good," Jean nodded. "We can use this!"
"HELLLP!" Evan's voice rang out.
Kurt teleported over to the window. "Wow, the Blob is faster than he looks!"
"Toad go out there and tell Freddy not to kill him," Lance sighed. "We kind of need him alive for the presentation."
"I'll help," Kurt grabbed Todd's shoulder and teleported outside.
A few hours later, after more planning and a huge food fight the Brotherhood finally left the X-Mansion through the front door. "Well that was fun," Pietro smirked flicking off some Moo Goo Gai Pan from his shirt. "Normally I'd rather have root canal than spend an evening with the X-Geeks but I admit that was rather fun."
"That's cause you spent more than half your time talking with your girlfriends yo!" Todd snapped. "Of course seeing Freddy here give that enormous wedgie to Daniels was fun. But I still say we should plan a revolution!"
"That won't work Toad," Tabitha said. "I hate to admit it, but Jean's presentation is our only hope."
"Yeah but something tells me that Summers' wussy plan is gonna need a little help," Lance grinned as they made their way to the jeep. "Gentlemen and Lady…I think it's time we took out an insurance policy on our plan. Let's go get the cameras!"
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Friday came and the auditorium was packed with students as well as parents, teachers and committee members. "Welcome everyone to this open forum," Kelly called out. "I understand that this is a sensitive issue for some people. Let me begin by explaining my position. There is an epidemic in today's society. It is called Childhood Obesity. Fourteen percent of children ages 6-19 are classified as obese or overweight almost three times as many since the 1960's. Also there is a huge rise in childhood diabetes. We feel that schools should not contribute to this. Therefore there is a motion on the table to ban all sales of carbonated drinks during school hours. Of course drinks such as milk, water, fruit juices and beverages with at least 50 percent fruit juice will be permitted. Sports drinks with less than 42 grams of sugar will be allowed as well. We are not trying to have our kids die of thirst, but simply provide them with nutritional, healthy choices in order for them to have a more productive and active school life."
"That's the problem Kelly!" A man stood up. "The real problem isn't the cans, it's the couch! If kids aren't active already no amount of fruit juice is gonna solve it!"
"Who's that guy?" Kitty whispered to Lance.
"He's the guy that sells the soft drink vending machines to all the schools in the district," Lance told her.
"Order please!" Kelly banged his gavel. "I think now is a good time to hear from one of our student council members, Miss Jean Grey."
Of course everyone but the Brotherhood cheered and clapped. Pietro blew a raspberry. Jean gave him a dirty look before starting. "Fellow students, board members, and Principal Kelly I would like to thank you for this opportunity to speak with you on behalf of the school population."
"Oh brother," Pietro yawned as Jean went on. "She's already putting me to sleep. We're dead!"
"Don't worry," Lance told him. "Just hold on…"
"In banning sodas from the school, the district would lose a source of revenue," Jean explained, pointing to a graph sheet. "Profits from soda sales are the traditional major fundraisers for student activities, such as school dances."
"Especially the last dance we had Kelly," Lance shouted out. "Remember? How much did it cost to sand those teeth marks out of the walls?"
This caused a murmur among the board members. "If I may continue," Jean gave Lance a withering look. "A lot of after school programs are also funded by soda sales, including many track and field events, weight lifting, and other activities involving exercise."
"Speaking of exercise, how much did it cost to replace the track team's mascot?" Lance shouted. "You know, the one that exploded? How much of that came out of sodas?"
"That's enough Alvers!" The gym teacher snapped.
"What? You want your budget cut in half?" Lance asked. "Cause that's what's gonna happen if this passes."
"You know he does have a point," The gym teacher scratched his head and sighed.
"Soda sales also fund other educational programs," Jean kept going.
"Yeah like how to have a revolution!" Todd shouted.
"Nobody is going to have a revolution!" Jean shouted.
"Hey Kelly!" Lance shouted. "Remember those candy bars you had the band sell last month? How does that figure in the nutrition of the school?"
"UNFAIR TO SODAS!" Todd shouted.
"You guys are not helping you know!" Kitty snapped.
"Will you people in the rows shut up?" Kelly pounded his gavel.
"In conclusion," Jean continued on. "Banning soda machines from the school is impractical."
"It's also a violation of our rights!" Todd shouted. "No taxation without representation! Freedom!"
"Plus sodas taste good too!" Fred stood up and brought out several six packs of sodas. "Try them! You'll like them!"
"Order! Order!" Kelly banged his gavel.
"I'll have a Super Orange Sunshine Soda please!" Pietro quipped.
"Will you stop that! Miss Grey although I see the practical side of your argument the issue here is the nutritional health of the students," We could always make up funding from other sources including sales of non carbonated beverages," Kelly told her. "By banning sodas from the cafeteria and the teacher's lounge…"
"WAIT A MINUTE!" Mr. Sherman, one of the teachers spoke up. "WHAT DID YOU SAY?"
"Uh I said by banning soft drinks from the school…" Kelly started.
"You didn't say that this rule would apply to the teachers as well!" Mr. Sherman shouted.
"Well I assumed…" Kelly started to say.
"Hey it's one thing if you're taking the sodas away from the animals here," Mr. Sherman shouted, pointing at the students. "It's quite another to take it away from us! These maniacs can be hyper enough without caffeine! For us it's a survival tool! What are you gonna do next? Take away our coffee?"
"You wouldn't dare!" Another teacher shot up.
"What about the children's health?" Mr. Kelly asked.
"WHAT ABOUT OUR SANITY?" Mr. Sherman snapped.
"Uh if I may conclude here," Jean flipped over the chart. "As this chart shows…WHO PUT THAT IN THERE?" Instead of a chart, there was a picture of two teachers drinking at a bar. She hurriedly turned it over only to find a different picture of two other teachers going into a hotel room. Again she tried only to see a picture of Kelly with his secretary at another hotel room.
"WHAT IS THIS?" Jean shouted.
"Just think of it as more visual aides Red," Lance laughed.
"ALVERS!" Scott shouted.
"WHAT THE…?" Kelly yelped. "MISS GREY!"
"Wait a minute!" She turned around. "You can't possibly think I had anything to do with this?"
"Don't be so modest Jean," Lance called out.
"Remember, you insisted on making the presentation!" Pietro laughed.
"Shut up!" Jean shouted.
"Now if you don't want to see more of these photos and what happens later," Pietro grinned. Vote no on this proposal. All those against?"
"NAY!" Several members of the school board shouted.
"SODAS FOR EVERYONE!" Fred started throwing cans of sodas all over the place. Unfortunately some of them hit the heads of a few football players. They started tackling Fred and anyone who got in their way.
"STOP IT!" Kelly shouted pounding on his gavel. "ORDER! ORDER! THIS IS A DISGRACE! THIS IS WHAT I GET FOR LETTING THOSE INSTITUTE WEIRDOES SPEAK! THEY'RE JUST AS BAD AS THE BROTHERHOOD! YOU LITTLE PUNKS ARE….AAGGGGGHHH!" Kelly shouted as Todd doused him with soda.
"LONG LIVE THE REVOLUTION!" Todd screamed, dousing as many people as he could with soda, including several of the X-Men. Some of them started grabbing sodas and spraying back.
Kelly hit the speed dial on his cell phone as the auditorium erupted into a full-scale brawl. "Hello riot police? This is Principal Kelly…again!"
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"When will I ever learn not to work with the Brotherhood?" Scott groaned as they sat down for lunch the following Monday. "Now every teacher and student in this school is convinced we're as nuts as they are!"
"Newsflash Scott," Rogue snapped. "They already thought we were nuts before this."
"At least they're not gonna ban the sodas from the school," Kurt looked around and saw hundreds of posters advertising sodas being put up.
"Of course not," Jean said. "If there's one thing our principal knows, its how not to miss an opportunity to make more money. He's working with the student council on how to increase profits. Not that I would know anything about that anymore! Seeing as how I've been banned from it for two weeks!"
"If it was anyone else it would be for life," Rogue muttered. "Did any of us not get detention for a week?"
"Every one from the Institute and the Brotherhood has it," Kurt grumbled. "Even those that weren't at the meeting, just to be safe!"
"Terrific," Evan groaned. "What a fun week this is going to be. What could be worse than detention with the Brotherhood?"
Right on cue a gust of wind tore through the cafeteria, destroying everything in its path. "WHOOO HOOO! JOLT COLA TIME!" Pietro's voice rang out. Posters fell all over the place.
"First earthquakes and now wind?" Kelly shouted as a poster fell onto his face. "What is it with this school?"
"How about detention with the Brotherhood hyped up on caffeine?" Scott groaned.
"Well at least we won," Kitty sighed as she surveyed the damage. "I think…"