Bless the Blushing
I'll close my eyes and pretend that no one is watching me. Shhh... Please post a review. Thank you.
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"Bless the blushing of my soul, for he will never, never know."
Words were spoken, never die. And she pushed back these tears to cry.
She knew that she'd known him long, and only her burning was strong.
If I were her, I'd die of pain. Knowing that face again and again.
Look at the way he looks at me. I think that he might love me. But I know I'm nothing. I know there isn't a chance.
He sat down on the bed and rubbed your nose because he was too afraid to just kiss you.
No, it was because he loves me. I don't want love, love only hurts.
Then what do you call it?
I call it a crab apple blossom.
Don't you see the way I melt, the way I quiver, the way I sweat. You are all I want, and I can't talk. Behind a glass. Let me out. Let me know how your life is, let me know how she treats you. Let me know how you love, let me know why you stand here, with the crab apples around your feet. Let me dance in your eyes. Let me sleep in your reflection.
"Why can't you hear me?"
I don't know what to call it. I can't even say the name. If he felt the same as me, wouldn't he at least guard me from our friends' taunts? Lick my lips and think on me? How many times have I gazed at him for minutes and minutes, ignoring the words addressed and gazed for minutes and minutes that were hours and hours? How long have I wanted to hold him for hours and hours? Only once, he looked at me, and turned away so quickly. He didn't like what he had seen.
"I want to look at you."
If only I could have your strength, you stare and stare and have no pity, you have no mercy.
Please have mercy! I am so weak, don't you see these arms, they stretch out in frailty.
My own heart, she tears me. She takes me by the hand.
She rips me piece by piece, and strews me on the gore.
I asked her not to blame me, 'cause his eyes are just so long.
What can I do but stare? Murmuring in this trance.
He could brace me, press me in his arms, consume me in his teeth.
Would I care? My heart would be too busy, bursting inside of me.
She is troubled, always holding on, begging in a cage for me to tell him all she is.
Would he understand?
"Why can't you hear me?"
Bless the blushing of your face. Is it because you want to marry me, oh me, to marry me?
Do you want to be mine? Do you want to love me? Would I let you? I'd get on my knees and beg you to!
He never hears me when I call, too busy with the plans.
I want to rip out my heart, a valentine for him.
The blood could drip upon my tank, and take him far away. I'd only check to see if he had given me a glance. Look at me, callously I stand. There is no need for small talk, there is no need for manners. Don't be so polite!
See my body on the floor? See the red I soak? It's for you, all for you, so why won't you even look? See the scars I've held out to you? See the faint, blushing marks? They were for you, all for you. Beasts broke me, I refused. All for you. My lips were untainted to the moment they brushed yours. I never wanted any but you, even at this cost, even at my life been lost. Our friend was turned to monster, and still I fought for you. The witches beat and bruised your precious skin and still I fought for you. It's all for you. Can't you see? It's all for you.
Pools of blood I cry in, make the ripple flow.
Everyone can say what they will, but I'll give you my life.
It would be nothing, to perish in your arms.
At least I'd see the blushing cheeks of you, of you, and only you.
If I never get to tell you how I feel, feel it in my gaze, my dear, feel it in my tears.
It is not sweat that flows: my body cries for you.
And there is no remedy for my disease.
I tell her not to speak, "Keep quiet you stupid heart."
I listened to you once, when he was just asleep.
He was dozing in his bed, covers up to cheek.
You stupid heart, you made me want to kiss that face.
But, no, I was too greedy. He trusted me to wake him.
And instead, I leant down and violated him.
His lips were soft, his lips were moist, and all I did was kiss.
There needs to be a switch, that turns off the way I feel.
My love was hers before, impossible as it seems. But I loved and killed her before we met. Time was bent for our first glance upon the other.
If you are the switch, please let me pull you down.
No, if I give you what you think you want, you'll lose what you have.
What, what do I have?
You have him.
These words of his were a lie.
There is no need to lie to me, I know I can't have him. He turns away when I don't speak, he doesn't freeze at my touch. He doesn't ask if he can stay, when it is his bedtime. He doesn't look at me, the way he looks at her.
Why would he need to look at you the way he looks at her, when he never takes his eyes off you?
I don't know which boy you are watching, but I am looking at him. He never looks at me.
Can't you see that his dark brown eyes, the eyes that glisten, the eyes that beam, were made to stare at you?
No his eyes are not the telescope that's looking at a hill, his eyes are made to look at Pleaides, not at cirrus, not at me.
FOOLISH GIRL!!!
CURSED SWITCH WHO LIES TO MY FACE!!!!
Doesn't she know that I no longer wait for our friends to start a plan,
but I wait for noon to come, so I can hold her hand?
That hand so icy, I want to bath it with my warmth and blankets in bed.
I thought about her last night, about things that went unsaid.
My heart was racing, my sheets were soaked, my face was burning hot.
And the only thing missing, was that she was not.
He can't love me.
Why not?
Because I'm not a lady, I'm not a woman, I'm not a flower, I'm not a princess, I'm not an angel.
You could go on forever but you forgot to say one thing.
What?
That he didn't want any of these when he gave you his house key, when he gave you his smile, his friendship at the danger of others, his hand... his hand to rub in yours.
Truth is what this switch gave me, all that I wanted to hear.
"Let me love you."
I'd hold you for a year.
You'd never know any,
who'd love you more, my dear.
If I had only a word in my mouth, it would be your name.
If I was in darkness the rest of my days, it would be to look at you.
If I was permanently paralyzed, it would be to touch your face.
If I had no taste to sense, at least I'd felt you on my tongue.
Do you hear his voice?
No.
Ugh! Do you need me to hold your hand? Why can't you freakin' hear him?
Because my heart is telling me things.
"You stupid girl, listen to the switch and stand up straight!"
I don't think I should be talking to myself anymore, he does it all the time, but it's cute when he does it...
See!? All you ever do is think about him! Go let him in and tell him how you feel!
I know she's home, I know she knows I'm coming. I hope she is ready, for me to show her how to love. I woke up this morning, yes, I'll tell her that, I woke up this morning and all I remembered was how I dreamt of you.
The door is being knocked at, I need to fix my hair.
I've pulled on it and pulled it out and threw it over there.
Should I tell him I've been in the backyard, barefoot in the crab apples?
Tell him anything you want, but hurry, I am suffocating in here!
How could you die when you are beating so fast? I see his hat above the window. I know just what to say when I answer, but know I will forget.
Two seconds to the door, you stupid girl, how could you forget?
You'd forget too if you saw the face of an angel.
Here the doorknob turns, and she's opening the door! Oh my! I can't stand here another minute, the world could collapse on us! The world could stop turning! My heart could rot in my chest standing here and waiting for the doorknob to turn! It could leave a hollow, mold and consumption, longing forever here.
Face of an angel? Face of a demon! You know what he could do to you.
Curse you heart, I know better. He loves me, he'll love me, he'll never hurt me. No one will stop me from being by his side, not even me.
Then pull back the door, he's waiting.
The door creaks open, I can see light through the crack. All the birds are quiet, all the dew is sweltered. My untied shoes, oh such a hurry, numb on the cold cement. Open my love, open, so I can make you melt.
Loved me all this time? Two long, long years. You're a beautiful woman and I am still thirteen in my pulsing heart.
Heart attack?
Heart crushing, burning, dicing!
Curse my lack of patience, panting by the door!
Open, open. Half way through and here's the face that shines, lifted up to mine.
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Edd knocked at the door, and Veronica came in a moment to answer it.
"Good morning," she mumbled, only staring at him as at a long lost life.
He stared even harder, glaring, eyes bursting at the seams. What had he wanted her for?
"Uh, good morning Veronica." He returned, looking down at his shoes, he bent down to tie them. Looking up and smiling apologetically at her, he could speak again, with a little laugh of course. "Uh, I didn't know if you had eaten breakfast yet, but..."
"I haven't."
"... well, I made too much oatmeal. You see, the recipe said to put in a half a cup, and I put in a full cup... silly me. And I don't enjoy leftover oatmeal as you know, so- and you don't usually eat too early- I thought that maybe you could join me for breakfast. Since I made too much for just myself."
Then he stopped, all was quiet, even the birds couldn't relieve them of themselves.
"Alright." She shrugged, and slipped on her socks and shoes at the door. And then they left the door step and went down the street to his house without word.
Curse my timorous ways, what am I doing?
You stupid girl! Tell him you love him!
And they would remain without word.
"Bless the blushing of my soul, for he will never, never know."
THE END