"Don't you ever strip in front of Bilbo! If you two idiots ever do any kind of strip tease for my hobbit, I'll have your beards for my trophies!" Thorin randomly barked at the taken off guard nephews.
"But uncle, Kili's beard isn't hardly even grown yet." Fili made mention.
"Then it will be a very small trophy!" Thorin hissed his words vehemently towards both his kin.
"Uncle, why ever would we do such a thing to poor, innocent Bilbo?" Kili dared to question the overly sensitive king.
"Because he's going to have a bachelor party soon and I'll be a trolls uncle before I hear tell of you two swinging your privates about for his party entertainment!" Thorin aggressively howled his outlandish concern to the disturbed faces of his kin. Thorin got some strange ideas when it came to worrying about Bilbo...
"Uncle, we're only going as guests, not as the entertainment." Fili tried making his father figure more at ease with his crazy ideas he was having.
"You two make sure he doesn't involve himself with any type of lewd entertainment like that. I need to know that I can count on you boys." Thorin eyed his youthful nephews with desperation in his usually cold and confident eyes. He was really having a hang up over all this stripper nonsense!
"We promise, Uncle. Everyone knows how much you care about master Baggins. No one would be stupid enough to try and anger you by putting Bilbo in that kind of position." Kili spoke kindly to his distressed leader.
"See that you both do!" He ruffed out the words, pulling back his emotional side and going into 'tough guy' mode.
-0-0-
Dale had a very rowdy group of dwarfs and one hobbit visiting its biggest pub. Dwarfs of all shapes and sizes were drinking ale and telling fun tales to one another and anyone else who'd listen in. The hobbit was in the center of all the dwarfs, drinking his beverage with a contented smile. Everything was going smoothly within the pub, until a newly arriving dwarf came in with two well known ladies of pleasure on his muscly arms.
"Bilbo, look what I've brought you!" He smiled at the surprised looking hobbit.
"Dwalin, Bilbo doesn't like that sort of thing. He's engaged to uncle for crying out loud!" Kili went to the hobbits aid, knowing Thorin would have their beards if Bilbo got frisky with one of those ladies.
"Yeah, Dwalin. If anything you should have looked for dwarf prostitutes." Fili blurted out his silly comment, all the other dwarfs looking at him disconcertedly.
"Well, I for one am not going to take my nickers off for Bilbos enjoyment. Thank you very much!" Dwalin frowned at the young dwarfs and the hobbit.
"Really, is any of this talk necessary? Just because I fancy Thorin doesn't mean I find just any of you lot attractive. I have standards after all." Bilbo spoke his opinion to everyone, getting moody looks from a few offended dwarfs.
"What, hot tempered and grumpy a trait you expect from a companion, master Baggins? You can take your standards and stove them! I know I'd be a catch for anyone interested, hobbit and dwarf alike!" Dwalin growled out at the unamused Bilbo, feeling sensitive over the others comment.
"Then go enjoy those women on your own then, thanks. I've no need of an ego stroke." Bilbo was brave in his words, Dwalin taking them like sour fruit.
"Ego stroked? You've a quick tongue tonight, hobbit. I'd like to cut it out and stomp on it, if it weren't for your party this evening. Mouth off again and see how much of my anger I hold back." Dwalin warned the, in his opinion overconfident, hobbit.
Reluctantly, Dwalin went about the pub with the pleasure ladies his own gift to himself, since the hobbit would have no part in it. Fili and Kili were relieved to watch him leave, wanting Bilbo to have a good time, but not dip his little hobbit appendage where it didn't belong. So far Thorin would be pleased with his nephews, all they had to do was keep it up throughout the evening.
Ale was being drunk aggressively, the group of dwarfs getting rowdier throughout the night because of it. Fili and Kili were no exceptions, drinking plenty and feeling merry and mischievous.
-0-0-
Thorin had been a naughty dwarf, he'd snuck out of the mountain to peek on the party, just to make sure Bilbo was behaving himself. He found his dwarfs singing silly songs loudly to one another, the ale making them so giddy and carefree. He looked about the room in his secure spot, searching for the hobbit.
He found him, oddly enough the hobbit was running around the pub without any trousers. He was chasing after Fili and Kili who were playing keep away with Bilbo over his pants. Try as he may, little Bilbo couldn't grab the tossed about cloth, his face red from both inebriation and fatigue from running.
"Come on, boys! It's getting late and I'm not leaving this damn pub without my trousers!" Bilbo whined to the chuckling nephews.
"You're so slow, Bilbo! Hey Fili, think we can get the rest of his clothes off him and make him walk all the way home naked?" Kili called playfully to his brother.
"Wouldn't that be a sight for uncle when Bilbo came home!" Fili laughed heartedly, imaging the silly scene.
"Gandalf's hat you are!" Bilbo put up his little fists. "Now toss them here, before I have to get rough with you two."
His actions only made the two laugh more, watching the hobbit putting up his dukes. "Alright, Bilbo. You can have them back." Kili let him have the pants, having had a jolly good time teasing Bilbo, but not really wanting to push it to the next level.
Indignantly master Baggins pulled on his wee trousers, tisking and mumbling curses about dwarfs and personal space. He was finished buttoning when his head looked up and noticed Thorin, the hooded dwarf hid his head quickly, hoping to not have been caught party crashing.
"Thorin?" Bilbo called, everyone in the room looking over to the person Bilbo was hailing.
"Drat!" Thorin hissed to himself, hating that he'd gotten caught spying.
Bilbo walked up and boldly pulled off the hooded form, looking down upon Thorin like a parent would a misbehaving child. "Mind explaining yourself?" The hobbit asked the uneasily smiling king.
"It was lonely without you?" Thorin tried playing the cute card, Bilbo not buying it for one second.
"You didn't trust me, did you?" He accused the sheepishly smiling dwarf.
"It's not that at all, hobbit. I was out for a stroll and got thirsty." He came up quickly with another excuse.
"I hate that you just keep fibbing to me, Thorin. I just want the truth." Bilbo urged the not too sure dwarf.
"Uncle was probably worried one of us was going to take advantage of you, Bilbo. He made us promise not to strip in front of you before we left this evening." The drunk Fili flapped his mouth, Thorin frowning angrily at the mouthy nephew.
"Yeah, I think he gets to thinking up horrible situations and makes himself jealous by doing it. Uncle Thorin can be so silly over you, Bilbo." Kili also opened his huge mouth to deliver his drunken opinion.
"Enough!" Thorin barked at both of his kin.
"Thorin, is any of this silly talk true?" Bilbo asked of his future life partner.
"I worry, alright Bilbo? I can't help my mind wandering and worrying." He huffed defensively to the hobbit.
Bilbo smiled lightly, "You are rather cute when you're jealous and over protective." He remarked, watching the dwarf blush furiously in front of everyone.
"Bilbo, please." He hissed, uncomfortable with everyone watching and listening.
"Alright, I won't be mad at you if you do me a favor. Go de-pants your nephews so they can see what it's like to be picked on." Bilbo pointed a finger towards the taken off guard nephews.
With a malicious grin, the king of the dwarfs started to march towards the backing away youths.
"As my hobbit so desires." He spoke in an amused tone, more than happy to get his own frustrations out by roughing up the nephews a bit. They had teased Bilbo after all, it was their turn to be treated like a trouser-less hobbit...
-0-0-
Thorin awoke from his dream, feeling very confused. He propped himself up in bed and took notice of an unwelcome guest, a nighttime trouser snake. "Damn!" He cursed, annoyed at his body's reaction. Why in the world had he dreamed about being engaged to Bilbo and crashing the hobbits bachelor party? That hobbit annoyed the dwarf to no end, he didn't have feelings of love for him...right? This boner he was having had nothing to do with the image of Bilbo pant-less...
With a frustrated sigh he threw up the blankets over his head, hiding his face in an attempt to hide his uncertain feelings for master Baggins. At least it wasn't another chocolate nightmare, boner aside he could deal with an engaged hobbit if it meant no creepy chocolate fetish nightmares.
-0-0-
The Hobbit belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien.
A/N: I'm glad you all are enjoying these silly little stories still, they are fun to write! Thorin is having a birthday in one of the next stories, imagine what Hell Bilbo will put Thorin through over birthday party nonsense!