Jaded

Jazzy: Hey everybody! I have been so moody lately and I have been all down in the dumps so I thought I would just write a story that was a little dark like my mood. So here ya go. I hope its good. It's my first time writing a One- shot so I hope this is good.

Disclamer: I don't own Gakuen Alice or I wouldn't be drawing stick figures right now.

Mikan's Pov

Darkness engulfed the grey skies as the wind and the rain roared against my windowpane. The campus, that is usually filled with bustling children, laughing and playing with friends, looked so desolate and so lost. It ironic how matched my mood so perfectly. I sat there, crying against the door that I had just came through, because of that prideful jerk, Natsume. He's cruel, cold hearted and he his words are so sharp and quick that they can stab you right through heart before you can even blink. His newer words rang in my head.

~*Flash Back*~

Normal Pov

Mikan looked through the storm hoping to see her black cat coming safely home. She had waited there for hours like she had always done when he left. She couldn't count the many hours of sleep she had lost waiting up for him, but she didn't mind, as long as she knew he was safe. She had changed since she was little ten-year-old elementary student. She had grown to be gorgeous and much more intelligent. Not to mention she had a bit of a devious side now, but all in all she was still that cheery, caring, smiling girl from seven years ago. Natsume and her started going out three years ago, they looked like the perfect couple thanks to Mikan's acting, yet they never really felt like a couple to her.

With her eyelids slowly betraying her she fought to stay awake.

'Natsume is comimg home soon. I must make sure he is alright, that he isn't in danger. I must protect him," chanted the curly haired brunette said as she sat by her window and just gazed through the see through glass and waited. Finally after many hours of patiently waiting, she saw him. Her little black cat not only wounded, but fighting so pitifully to stand up against the tormenting winds. She quickly got up and dashed for the door, leaving her exhaustion in the dust. The hallways were empty besides for the sounds of her footsteps echoing through the dark corridors and the sound of her breath huffing.

Forcing open the tightly closed doors she fought against the weather head on. Reaching Natsume, she leaned him on her as she carried the barely conscious boy next to his room. Quickly from experience and books she got the first aid ready, and quickly patched him up. She had been doing this for nearly seven years so was well experienced. Laying the boy down she waited. Waited for him to wake up; to hold her; to kiss her like he couldn't live a day without her or like he needed her like she needed him. She has been waiting for seven years and all she did was wait patiently with a smile on her face. Finally the boy stirred, waking the brunette from her deep thoughts. She smiled. Not the smile she used for howalons or for her dearest friends, it was the one reserved for him. The smile he said he loved, but that seemed so long ago.

"What are you doing here idiot?" He snapped. Something in Mikan got heavier.

"Well?" he growled, leaving her smile a little darker.

"I saw you hurt, so I brought you up to your room," she said still smiling wondering why he even had to ask anymore. He moaned.

"I told you to leave me alone when I come from missions,"

"Yes you were hurt, and you couldn't even stand up. You just looked so… so," Mikan tried to find the right word.

"What? pitiful!" He yelled as all signs of a smile was erased from Mikan's face.

"Listen I don't need your pity," he said darkly. "Listen just get out of here, I come back from a fricken mission to find my girlfriend takes pity on me. I don't want you here," Mikan just stared out the window. She was getting tired of this. She just felt so jaded. It kind of feels like numbness, or that your not really there and you're looking at yourself from a bird's eye view. She just sat there as Natsume ranted on about how he doesn't need pity or this life. The numbness slowly spread through her like a disease as she sunk deeper into her tired state.

"… What can you not understand? Just get out! I don't want you here! Just go back. Please," he said begging at the last part. Mikan just looked at him. The sparkle in her eye was gone and she looked so apathetic. She rubbed one of her eyes with her hand and sighed.

"Listen Natsume, I'm tired. I'm going to bed," and without a second glance she walked out the room. But she missed the silent tears the strolled down Natsume's face.

Mikan just walked into her room and silently closed the door. With her back against the door she silently cried as she put soft skinned hands up against her eyes and slid down onto the floor.

~*FlashBack*~ (End)

The memory still raced through my mind. I was tired. Tired of the endless cycles of getting hurt and getting back together again. Tired of Natsume pushing me away only to give me hope the next day. And having that hope getting squashed time, and time again. I slowly got up from the floor and trudged my way over to my desk, and I pulled out a piece of paper, a pencil and an envelope. I started writing, not just writing but pouring my heart on to what seemed like a tiny piece of paper compared to my feelings. I wrote:

Dear Natsume,

I'm tired, O.K. I'm just… so tired. I don't know what is going on with you, but I just can't take it anymore. It has been like this even before we started dating. You would push me so far away from you and I would have to struggle to get back. But then you would give a little sign of hope. Oh how happy I was when you would. Soon that hope kept growing and growing but then you would just crush it back down again. And it would be like these cycles we would go through. But I would wait, oh how I had waited. I have waited for you to finally treat me like your girlfriend and to hold me like you never want to let me go. Natsume, that's what I want. I want to actually for once tell the truth when I tell my friends that our relationship is going good. I'm tired of smiling and pretending it is all right when I know it is not. And I'm tired… just so tired of crying, you have no idea. I thought things would get better when we started dating but its not. So Natsume, its time for us to face the facts, It's over. We are over. I'm through with this mess and I'm throwing in the towel. I need to move on. So good luck and farewell.

~Mikan

By now the paper is all crinkled up and covered with my tears. All the things I had been holding in for so long is finally coming out. I folded it up into a rectangle and gently stuffed it into a white envelope with ~Natsume~ written on the top of it. I quietly opened my door and was greeted by sound of snores. I slowly walked up the stairs to the special star rooms. I stepped out in the middle of the hall and slowly made my way to his door. I never felt so nervous in my life. I wanted to cry and bust into his arms, but I couldn't, and I wouldn't. I couldn't deal with this rollercoaster anymore. I wanted to get off. I shoved the envelope underneath his door and I ran. I ran out side in the rain and wind and I kept on running, till I was dead tired and soaking wet. I slid down the trunk of a tree and just sat there. I could tell I was cold because I was shivering, but I couldn't feel anything. After a few more minutes I got up and slowly walked back to the dorms. When I reached my room I took a long and warm bath and put on some gray sweat pants and a large navy blue T-shirt and got out. I snuggled in my bed, letting the covers protect me from the outside world as I welcomed sleep to overtake me. I slowly woke up by a knock at my door. There was only one person, who would have any reason to call on me. I didn't answer, I just slowly walked in front of my door and leaned my forehead against it. Waiting to see what he had to say. I heard him sigh. I could tell he knew where I was because of my shadow underneath my door.

"Please Mikan, open up." I heard him plead. I just stood there. "Mikan, I'm sorry O.K. I really am. I know that I have been a horrible boyfriend and a pain in the butt, but I do need you and love you." He whispered. I could feel the tears roll down my cheeks as I heard him.

"No you don't," I sobbed quietly as I knelt down in front of the door again. "I would never say something to my boyfriend like what you told me tonight and other nights before,"

"Don't you mean me?" He said smiling a bit.

"No. Didn't you read the note? I said we're through," I spoke a little louder.

"I don't believe you," he said, his voice hard and cold. I swung opened the door as I stared into his crimson eyes which were filled with regret, and shouted

"What don't you get? We are over! Done! Finished! There is no more us anymore!" I sobbed as I collapsed on the floor again, as Natsume walked in and locked my door.

"Please Mikan. Look I'm so, so, so very sorry, it is just that I'm tired too. Tired of living in fear that you won't be there anymore. That I'll wake up and find that Persona's threats weren't so idle after all. So I get up and tell myself, today's the day where I leave you, because if my nightmares do come true and I couldn't protect you, it wouldn't hurt as much," He said as pain filled his voice and he lowered himself to my level and tightly grasped my shoulders as his head was down. He looked so fragile like one touch was enough to make his whole being shatter. "I'm… scared… so scared Mikan." He whispered. "I'm scared that, my nightmares will come true and I don't sleep at all at night just trying to avoid those terrifying nightmares," I couldn't stand it anymore. All the reasons before I threw out the window. The man I broke up with wasn't the one in front of me now. This guy was the man I feel in love with. I threw myself at him holding him so close to me as the tears kept streaming down my face. Not for me this time, but for him. He suffered through this alone.

"Why?" I sobbed "why don't you ever let me help you?" He hugged my tighter. Finally I felt needed and loved. That I just wasn't chasing after rainbows or dreams that would never happen. I sobbed harder. Suddenly I felt something warm against my lips. I open my eyes to see Natsume kissing me, which I gladly obliged to. It wasn't hot and heavy. It was just a kiss that told each other all our feelings. We broke apart but we stayed in our current position. I was between Natsume's legs holding him as he wrapped his arms around me. We just sat there, holding on to each other as if we were the glue to kept each other from falling apart. And without my realizing it that squashed flower of hope bloomed again except this time I don't think it will get smushed.

"Hey, look. The storm is clearing up," Natsume whispered in to my ear.

"Hmm," It just so ironic that the weather know just how to express my mood.

Jazzy: That's just a little taste of my drama. But I have a feeling like I read something like this before. And if you have written something really close to this like almost work for word than I am truly sorry, and if our stories are really close than I will probably take this story off unless you don't mind. And if you guys have any constructive criticism than PLEASE tell me.