Title: (revision 2) Frodo and Sam's ULTIMATE nightmare!!! (Horrors!)
Author: gayerboy (gayerboy@hotmail.com)
Pairing: Frodo/Sam
Rating: R
Warning: Character death... Alternate LOTR ending...
(Heart-breaking end... Definately NOT for the faint hearted!)
Disclaimer: Tolkien is God! I'm just a no-good nothing carelessly trashing his truly
GREAT work!
Summary : Frodo and Sam get caught in the middle of the act by Rosie, with the
obvious consequences... (Considering the context of the times...)
Note : I cut out most of the pornographic stuff that I'm no good at in the first place
anyway and made some changes here and there, etc... Btw, somebody please find me a
CURE for this Frolija disease(?)! It's SERIOUSLY affecting my job performance!!!
[At Bag End... A few months after the scourging of the Shire...]
(Frodo is having a nightmare, turning this way and that in bed...)
Frodo : MY Ring! The ONE Ring! It's lost forever! Oh, my precious... How can it be gone! What have I done!
Sam : Mr. Frodo? Is something wrong?
Frodo : My precious! My precious!
(Sam starts shaking Frodo. Frodo opens his blue eyes. And then suddenly, he starts strangling Sam.)
Sam : Mr. Frodo! (chokes) Please stop! It's me Sam!!!
(Suddenly, Frodo lets Sam go and stares at his own hands.)
Frodo : Oh, it's you Sam. I'm so sorry!!! I thought you were an Orc! I've been having another nightmare! It was so real! As real as it is now...
(Sam said in a cheery voice as he pulled the curtains.)
Sam : Get up Mr. Frodo! Rise and shine! It's almost noon! I'll get your breakfast ready!
(Frodo gets up and sits on the bed.)
Frodo : I better get out of these wet shorts first... Better change these sheets too. They're soaking wet.
(Frodo starts getting out of his shorts unashamedly as if it were the most natural thing in the world to do. Sam can't close his mouth.)
Frodo : What's wrong Sam?
Sam : I... I better go get the breakfast ready.
(Sam turns around and starts for the door.)
Frodo : Sam?
(Sam turned around and faced Frodo.)
Sam : Ur... Yes, Mr. Frodo?
Frodo : Is something wrong?
Sam : Nothing, Sir.
Frodo : I'm so sorry I tried to strangle you just now.
Sam : Oh, that's nothing.
Frodo : Come sit by me...
(Sam hesitated.)
Frodo : Why? Is something wrong? Are you afraid of me? I won't try to strangle you again I promise.
(Frodo and Sam's eyes met. Sam suddenly looked down as if he had something to hide and then looked around all over the room trying to run away from Frodo's glance. Sam realized that he had just been asked a question and answered.)
Sam : Of course not Sir... Ur... There's nothing wrong, dear sir.
Frodo : Then come sit by me... I just want to hold your hand. That's all. I feel so empty inside. So empty! As if I've been hollowed out... Also, I keep getting these flash-backs... I really have a problem. I'm afraid I'll never recover from this... WHAT is wrong with me...
(Frodo leaned forward and started sobbing in great despair. Sam walked towards Frodo and sat beside him. He wondered if he were doing the right thing but finally managed to put his hand on Frodo's bare back. He felt the cruel scars that the Orcs of Cirith Ungol had left on Frodo's otherwise fine alabaster skin. Suddenly, Frodo stopped crying and held Sam's hand tightly as if he were holding on to it for his dear life. Frodo's beautiful blue eyes were filled with tears.)
Frodo : Tell me again about that time in Cirith Ungol. After you had made up your mind that I was already dead. Why did you risk everything just to take my dead body from the Orcs? Why didn't you just leave me then? It'd have been better that way...
Sam : Oh no! Mr. Frodo! That just wouldn't be right! I just couldn't leave your body to the Orcs Mr. Frodo. It's as simple as that! How can I leave you behind to those Orcs? I wouldn't be your Samwise Gamgee if I did!
Frodo : But you thought I was DEAD! How could you risk the mission, the Shire, if not the whole world! Just for my DEAD body?
Sam : You're right Mr. Frodo. I guess it was a pretty stupid thing to do! They made a big mistake I guess... Letting stupid Samwise Gamgee join the Fellowship and all.
Frodo : Come now Sam... I know you're not even half as stupid as you pretend to be. Tell me Sam... What was the real reason? I've guessed the answer already. I only need you to confirm what I already know.
(Sam took his eyes away from Frodo's and stared at the floor in front of him.)
Sam : I... I shouldn't... I can't tell you. It's just not right. I... I better go.
(Sam tried to sit up but Frodo wouldn't let him go.)
Frodo : Tell me Sam. I need to hear you say it.
(Sam met Frodo's blue eyes again. Those irresistable blue eyes of his! He felt as if he was being hallucinated by those beautiful blue eyes. He felt as if he were naked. As if his innermost thoughts were laid bare to him. He suddenly felt weak in the knees.. And sat down.)
Sam : [sigh!] Well, if you really do need to know, Mr. Frodo, I did because I love you. More than anything in the world. You're more important to me than the Shire, the whole world! There's nothing in the world that I wouldn't do for you! There, I said it...
(Frodo hugged Sam tightly.)
Frodo : Oh, Sam... My dear Sam...
(Sam hugged Frodo too. He breathed in and sensed Frodo's fragrant scent swimming inside of his head and suddenly he just couldn't help himself anymore, and let go of himself! He kissed Frodo on the lips.)
[20 minutes later]
(When it was over, Sam collapsed on the bed and stared at the ceiling .)
Sam : Was it as good for you as it was for me?
Frodo : I... I just don't know Sam... Maybe it's because it was the first time for me. Anyway, I just don't know Sam. How'd I know? I've never had sex with anyone before... But then again... Well... [sigh] I just don't know Sam... I think it was sort of wierd... I'm sorry Sam. This just isn't right for me... It's just not my plate of pie I guess... Maybe we should stop seeing each other when I'm alone... It'd be the death of us both if anyone got curious and found out.
(Suddenly Rose enters the room)
Rose : I just came back for my purse... What the...
Frodo and Sam : YIKES!!!!!!!!!!!
Rose : EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!!!
(Frodo hurriedly leaves the room)
Sam : I can explain this!!!
Rose : I suspected this all along!!! You kept saying I was paranoid!!! Well!!!
Sam : Nothing happened!!!
Rose : And I thought all along that it was something wrong with me!!!
Sam : Please, Rose... I... I love you!!! Nothing happened! Really! You got it all wrong!!!
Rose : Don't come near me!!! Get your dirty hands off of me you monster!!!
(Rose runs out of Bag-End weeping...)
Sam : Oh, no... This isn't looking too good...
[At the Hobbit "Kangaroo" court...]
Head Took : We've reviewed all the evidence... And the emotional testimony from Rosie... Before I give my verdict, I'd like to hear some final remarks... What do you have to say for yourself my dear Sam?
Sam : (weeping) Mr. Frodo didn't want any part of it. It was all my fault. As I said before, I forcibly raped Mr. Frodo. I'm the only one that is at fault here. If anyone is to be punished, it is me. Please let Mr. Frodo go... Pleeeeease...
(Sam breaks down sobbing...)
Head Took : How about you Mr. Frodo?
Frodo : [sigh] What can I say? As I said before, I was in bed having a nightmare when Sam came to me. He saw me naked sitting on my bed. To make a long story short, It was my fault. I gave him the wrong idea when I asked him to come sit by me. It's the horrible affect of the Ring you see? The post traumatic stress syndrome... I have so much pain inside me. I long so much for the one Ring that I know is lost forever... I needed somebody near me. Well, anyway, when Sam started kissing me, I certainly didn't resist or anything. I guess he just couldn't control himself... Whatever he did, it certainly wasn't rape. All I had to do was tell him to stop and he would have stopped right away. Thinking now, I guess I should have told him to stop. Why didn't I? Well, I just don't know what was going through my mind then. I just can't explain myself. Anyway, we're both past the age of consent. And I certainly don't accuse Sam of doing anything wrong. Before you say anything, I want you to take into account the fact that if it hadn't been for Sam, you'd all be Orc slaves by now. Not that they would have needed slaves like us Hobbits. I bet most of you would have ended up in their dinner menu... So I urge you to please let Sam go. He didn't do anything wrong!
Head Took : Hrrrmmmmph!!! Is that your opinion Mr. Frodo? That we should all become Orc slaves OR let Sam go?!? Are YOU threatening ME!?!? YOU are the one who is on trial here!!! Well!!! Enough said. I now give out my verdict! The accused, Mr. Frodo and Mr. Sam have been found guilty of the unspeakable crime of faggotery. They will be burnt to death in the middle of Hobbit square TOMORROW NIGHT as per according to our Hobbit customs...
The Hobbit mob : Yeh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BURN BURN BURN!!! BURN BURN BURN!!! BURN THE FAGGOTS!! BURN BURN BURN!!! BURN BURN BURN!!! BURN THE FAGGOTS!!!
Sam : NO! NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Frodo : How typical. I knew it was going to turn out like this, the moment they said something about a trial...
Sam : But Mr. Frodo. I... I just can't believe this! This can't be happening!!! I feel so horrible... How can they do this!!! We saved the SHIRE! If not the whole world! Anyway, at least they should let you go! You didn't do anything wrong! It's ALL my fault! I'm SO SO SO sorry for what I did Master... How could I have brought this down upon you? What have I done!?!?
(Sam breaks down into a crying mess on the floor.)
Frodo : Don't say that Sam. It takes two hands to clap your hands. I had as much part in it as you. Don't feel too bad Sam... Don't give them that satisfaction. Stand up Sam... We all have to die some day...
(Sam passes out...)
[A while later, inside Hobbit Jail.]
(Sam regains consciousness..)
Frodo : Are you OK Sam?
Sam : Yes... But I just had the most horrible nightmare!
Frodo : How much I wish it were just a nightmare! But this is no nightmare Sam. We're doomed...
Sam : Where are we Mr. Frodo?
Frodo : We're in jail of course.
(Sam looked around.)
Sam : When did they build a jail like this anyway?
Frodo : During the scourging of the Shire, I guess...
Sam : Is there a way out?
(Sam started looking around for a way out and stopped in front of the barred window.)
Frodo : It's no use Sam. I've looked into every corner... There is no way out.
Sam : I can't believe they're having a party outside.
Frodo : You must forgive them. It's not very often that they get any kind of entertainment, Sam...
Sam : [sigh!] What really hurts me is... I just can't bear the thought of you dying. It just feels so wrong. I don't care what happens to me Mr. Frodo. But not this thing to you. NEVER!!!! I just feel so horrible... I wish I were never born!
(Sam collapsed on the floor and started weeping.)
Frodo : Don't say that! For what it's worth, I don't regret it Sam. Even if you regret what happened, I don't, my dear Sam... Anyway, we did what we did... And now, whatever comes to us, it will...
Sam : Why can't Gandalf come to save us? Doesn't he know?
Frodo : I'm afraid not Sam... When the One Ring was destroyed, all the other Great Rings of Power all lost power. That is why Gandalf lost all his powers as well.
Sam : Do you mean Gandalf carried one too? I didn't see him wearing any Ring?
Frodo : Gandalf seldom wore it. But it was there. It was one of the Elven Rings. One of the Three...
Sam : Are they really going to burn us master? I just can't believe it!
Frodo : Me too! It really is unfair! But that is the way of the times that we live in I guess... As Gandalf said, not all those who die deserved death.
Sam : Yes. He also said not all those who live deserve life! Curse these people! I wish we had never destroyed the One Ring. Now, I wish Sauron had gotten the Ring instead!
Frodo : Don't even say such things Sam! For all I know, when the fire takes us, it will be slow and most painful. But we must be brave Sam.
Sam : How about Merry and Pippin?
Frodo : [Sigh!] If only they were here. But they've gone to Bree. I'm afraid they won't be back until it's all over, Sam...
Sam : How about Aragorn? Why can't he save us? Can't he see what's happening through the seeing stone?
Frodo : He seldom uses it. He has little need for it now that everything is so peaceful. I'm afraid when he does get here to help us, it'll be all too late Sam... Now that you mention it, I truly am afraid of what might happen when Aragorn finds out about all this. Understand Sam, even now when they are going to kill us in so cruel a manner, I still care very much for the Shire. Oh, dear Sam... I realize now that we didn't save the Shire after all...
(This time, Frodo collapsed on the floor and started weeping...)
Sam : Oh, Mr. Frodo... Please stop crying... I breaks my heart to watch you like this... With no hope I mean...
(Frodo and Sam held each other and wept... Then there was the sound of heavy doors being unlocked. Sam tried to let go of Frodo, but Frodo said...)
Frodo : It's no use Sam. Stop trying to pretend you raped me. We might as well have each other close. We have so little time as it is...
(A large, fat hobbit entered the jail corridor. He looked at the two with disgust and said...)
Sheriff : You two make me sick. I always suspected something was going on between you two... Well, it serves you right what's comming to you I mean. By this time tomorrow... Heh Heh Heh... They're gathering the faggots even now! Well, here's your last supper. Good night to you two love-birds!
(The Sheriff pushed two trays through a thin openning.)
Sam : Go away and leave us alone!!! We already feel terrible as it is!!!
(The Sheriff turned and left sneering.)
[the next day, at night, in Hobbit Square]
The Hobbit mob : BURN BURN BURN!!! BURN THE FAGGOTS!!!
BURN BURN BURN!!! BURN THE FAGGOTS!!!
Head Took : Any last words Frodo?
Frodo : You're making a horrendous mistake, Head Took. I urge you again. Please reconsider before you do something that cannot be undone...
The Hobbit mob : BURN BURN BURN!!! BURN THE FAGGOTS!!!
BURN BURN BURN!!! BURN THE FAGGOTS!!!
Head Took : How about you Sam?
Sam : I beg you again dear sir Head Took. Mr. Frodo didn't do anything wrong! Just kill me. And please let Mr. Frodo go! He's the victim! I raped him!!!! You don't kill the victim of rape!!! Why won't any of you believe me?
The Hobbit mob : BURN BURN BURN!!! BURN THE FAGGOTS!!!
BURN BURN BURN!!! BURN THE FAGGOTS!!!
Head Took : Well, enough said! Light the fire!!!
The Hobbit mob : Hurray!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[A few days later, Aragorn arrives in Hobbiton with about a thousand men on horseback.]
Head Took : How may I be of service to you oh my King!
Aragorn : I wish to speak to Frodo. Where is he?
Head Took : Ah! Mr. Frodo... Well, hmmmm.... He's not here at the moment. What is it you want to talk to him about? Just tell me, and I'll pass it on to him...
Aragorn : Men! Grab hold of him! He's hiding something!
Head Took : What is this? I didn't do nothing!
Aragorn's men : He's wearing the mithril coat!
Aragorn : I ask you again... Where... Is... Frodo...
Head Took : Oh please! Mercy! Oh my King! We didn't know what we were doing! Don't kill us all!
Aragorn : What did you do with him?
Head Took : Well! Mr. Frodo was a faggot! We caught him in the middle of the act with Sam. So... We did with them as according to our customs! Which is not much different from yours, is it not?
Aragorn : No... Not Frodo... (Feels dizzy and almost falls off from his Horse.) Where... Where is Merry and Pippin? I want to hear their version of this! Find them!
(A moment later, they bring Merry and Pippin out of Hobbit Jail.)
Merry : (crying hysterically) They killed them! They murdered them!!!
Pippin : (stunned and traumatized) They killed Frodo and Sam... They burnt them alive... When we came back, it was all over... I've cried so much... I don't have any more tears left to cry out...
Aragorn : Why were Merry and Pippin in jail? What was going to be done to them?
Head Took : They made such a disturbance when they came back from Bree... Why, Merry even invaded my home and tried to attack me! We were going to put them in court... I suspect them to be faggots themselves you see...
Aragorn : I see... How much I wished what I was seeing through the stone of Palantiri was not true. Where is Frodo and Sam now? Where are their remains?
Head Took : Ur... That would be... The Hobbiton garbage dump. Where we throw away all our garbage!
Aragorn : Men! Recover Frodo and Sam's remains. And lets leave this awful place ASAP. We're taking Merry and Pippin with us! And don't forget to take that Mithril coat off of Head Took... We'll bury it with Frodo and Sam when we get back to Minas Tirith...
[A few years later, a group of Orcs attacked the Shire. The Head Took sent a messenger to Aragorn for help.]
Aragorn : A messenger has come from the Shire... They're being attacked by Orcs... What should we do Merry?
Merry : They're so backward... Maybe an invasion of Orcs might bring them to their senses... It might be good for them...
Aragorn : My thoughts exactly! What about you Pippin?
Pippin : I don't know sir... I really don't know. Not after what they did to poor Frodo and Sam... But one thing's for sure. Mr. Frodo would've wanted you to help the Shire still. He loved the Shire so...
Aragorn : Oh, poor Frodo...
(Aragorn got depressed and got drunk. Same the next day. And the day after that! So alas, in the end, no help came, not until it was far too late. But by that time, the Orcs had sacked the Shire. And ate all the Hobbits. The End!)
Author: gayerboy (gayerboy@hotmail.com)
Pairing: Frodo/Sam
Rating: R
Warning: Character death... Alternate LOTR ending...
(Heart-breaking end... Definately NOT for the faint hearted!)
Disclaimer: Tolkien is God! I'm just a no-good nothing carelessly trashing his truly
GREAT work!
Summary : Frodo and Sam get caught in the middle of the act by Rosie, with the
obvious consequences... (Considering the context of the times...)
Note : I cut out most of the pornographic stuff that I'm no good at in the first place
anyway and made some changes here and there, etc... Btw, somebody please find me a
CURE for this Frolija disease(?)! It's SERIOUSLY affecting my job performance!!!
[At Bag End... A few months after the scourging of the Shire...]
(Frodo is having a nightmare, turning this way and that in bed...)
Frodo : MY Ring! The ONE Ring! It's lost forever! Oh, my precious... How can it be gone! What have I done!
Sam : Mr. Frodo? Is something wrong?
Frodo : My precious! My precious!
(Sam starts shaking Frodo. Frodo opens his blue eyes. And then suddenly, he starts strangling Sam.)
Sam : Mr. Frodo! (chokes) Please stop! It's me Sam!!!
(Suddenly, Frodo lets Sam go and stares at his own hands.)
Frodo : Oh, it's you Sam. I'm so sorry!!! I thought you were an Orc! I've been having another nightmare! It was so real! As real as it is now...
(Sam said in a cheery voice as he pulled the curtains.)
Sam : Get up Mr. Frodo! Rise and shine! It's almost noon! I'll get your breakfast ready!
(Frodo gets up and sits on the bed.)
Frodo : I better get out of these wet shorts first... Better change these sheets too. They're soaking wet.
(Frodo starts getting out of his shorts unashamedly as if it were the most natural thing in the world to do. Sam can't close his mouth.)
Frodo : What's wrong Sam?
Sam : I... I better go get the breakfast ready.
(Sam turns around and starts for the door.)
Frodo : Sam?
(Sam turned around and faced Frodo.)
Sam : Ur... Yes, Mr. Frodo?
Frodo : Is something wrong?
Sam : Nothing, Sir.
Frodo : I'm so sorry I tried to strangle you just now.
Sam : Oh, that's nothing.
Frodo : Come sit by me...
(Sam hesitated.)
Frodo : Why? Is something wrong? Are you afraid of me? I won't try to strangle you again I promise.
(Frodo and Sam's eyes met. Sam suddenly looked down as if he had something to hide and then looked around all over the room trying to run away from Frodo's glance. Sam realized that he had just been asked a question and answered.)
Sam : Of course not Sir... Ur... There's nothing wrong, dear sir.
Frodo : Then come sit by me... I just want to hold your hand. That's all. I feel so empty inside. So empty! As if I've been hollowed out... Also, I keep getting these flash-backs... I really have a problem. I'm afraid I'll never recover from this... WHAT is wrong with me...
(Frodo leaned forward and started sobbing in great despair. Sam walked towards Frodo and sat beside him. He wondered if he were doing the right thing but finally managed to put his hand on Frodo's bare back. He felt the cruel scars that the Orcs of Cirith Ungol had left on Frodo's otherwise fine alabaster skin. Suddenly, Frodo stopped crying and held Sam's hand tightly as if he were holding on to it for his dear life. Frodo's beautiful blue eyes were filled with tears.)
Frodo : Tell me again about that time in Cirith Ungol. After you had made up your mind that I was already dead. Why did you risk everything just to take my dead body from the Orcs? Why didn't you just leave me then? It'd have been better that way...
Sam : Oh no! Mr. Frodo! That just wouldn't be right! I just couldn't leave your body to the Orcs Mr. Frodo. It's as simple as that! How can I leave you behind to those Orcs? I wouldn't be your Samwise Gamgee if I did!
Frodo : But you thought I was DEAD! How could you risk the mission, the Shire, if not the whole world! Just for my DEAD body?
Sam : You're right Mr. Frodo. I guess it was a pretty stupid thing to do! They made a big mistake I guess... Letting stupid Samwise Gamgee join the Fellowship and all.
Frodo : Come now Sam... I know you're not even half as stupid as you pretend to be. Tell me Sam... What was the real reason? I've guessed the answer already. I only need you to confirm what I already know.
(Sam took his eyes away from Frodo's and stared at the floor in front of him.)
Sam : I... I shouldn't... I can't tell you. It's just not right. I... I better go.
(Sam tried to sit up but Frodo wouldn't let him go.)
Frodo : Tell me Sam. I need to hear you say it.
(Sam met Frodo's blue eyes again. Those irresistable blue eyes of his! He felt as if he was being hallucinated by those beautiful blue eyes. He felt as if he were naked. As if his innermost thoughts were laid bare to him. He suddenly felt weak in the knees.. And sat down.)
Sam : [sigh!] Well, if you really do need to know, Mr. Frodo, I did because I love you. More than anything in the world. You're more important to me than the Shire, the whole world! There's nothing in the world that I wouldn't do for you! There, I said it...
(Frodo hugged Sam tightly.)
Frodo : Oh, Sam... My dear Sam...
(Sam hugged Frodo too. He breathed in and sensed Frodo's fragrant scent swimming inside of his head and suddenly he just couldn't help himself anymore, and let go of himself! He kissed Frodo on the lips.)
[20 minutes later]
(When it was over, Sam collapsed on the bed and stared at the ceiling .)
Sam : Was it as good for you as it was for me?
Frodo : I... I just don't know Sam... Maybe it's because it was the first time for me. Anyway, I just don't know Sam. How'd I know? I've never had sex with anyone before... But then again... Well... [sigh] I just don't know Sam... I think it was sort of wierd... I'm sorry Sam. This just isn't right for me... It's just not my plate of pie I guess... Maybe we should stop seeing each other when I'm alone... It'd be the death of us both if anyone got curious and found out.
(Suddenly Rose enters the room)
Rose : I just came back for my purse... What the...
Frodo and Sam : YIKES!!!!!!!!!!!
Rose : EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!!!
(Frodo hurriedly leaves the room)
Sam : I can explain this!!!
Rose : I suspected this all along!!! You kept saying I was paranoid!!! Well!!!
Sam : Nothing happened!!!
Rose : And I thought all along that it was something wrong with me!!!
Sam : Please, Rose... I... I love you!!! Nothing happened! Really! You got it all wrong!!!
Rose : Don't come near me!!! Get your dirty hands off of me you monster!!!
(Rose runs out of Bag-End weeping...)
Sam : Oh, no... This isn't looking too good...
[At the Hobbit "Kangaroo" court...]
Head Took : We've reviewed all the evidence... And the emotional testimony from Rosie... Before I give my verdict, I'd like to hear some final remarks... What do you have to say for yourself my dear Sam?
Sam : (weeping) Mr. Frodo didn't want any part of it. It was all my fault. As I said before, I forcibly raped Mr. Frodo. I'm the only one that is at fault here. If anyone is to be punished, it is me. Please let Mr. Frodo go... Pleeeeease...
(Sam breaks down sobbing...)
Head Took : How about you Mr. Frodo?
Frodo : [sigh] What can I say? As I said before, I was in bed having a nightmare when Sam came to me. He saw me naked sitting on my bed. To make a long story short, It was my fault. I gave him the wrong idea when I asked him to come sit by me. It's the horrible affect of the Ring you see? The post traumatic stress syndrome... I have so much pain inside me. I long so much for the one Ring that I know is lost forever... I needed somebody near me. Well, anyway, when Sam started kissing me, I certainly didn't resist or anything. I guess he just couldn't control himself... Whatever he did, it certainly wasn't rape. All I had to do was tell him to stop and he would have stopped right away. Thinking now, I guess I should have told him to stop. Why didn't I? Well, I just don't know what was going through my mind then. I just can't explain myself. Anyway, we're both past the age of consent. And I certainly don't accuse Sam of doing anything wrong. Before you say anything, I want you to take into account the fact that if it hadn't been for Sam, you'd all be Orc slaves by now. Not that they would have needed slaves like us Hobbits. I bet most of you would have ended up in their dinner menu... So I urge you to please let Sam go. He didn't do anything wrong!
Head Took : Hrrrmmmmph!!! Is that your opinion Mr. Frodo? That we should all become Orc slaves OR let Sam go?!? Are YOU threatening ME!?!? YOU are the one who is on trial here!!! Well!!! Enough said. I now give out my verdict! The accused, Mr. Frodo and Mr. Sam have been found guilty of the unspeakable crime of faggotery. They will be burnt to death in the middle of Hobbit square TOMORROW NIGHT as per according to our Hobbit customs...
The Hobbit mob : Yeh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BURN BURN BURN!!! BURN BURN BURN!!! BURN THE FAGGOTS!! BURN BURN BURN!!! BURN BURN BURN!!! BURN THE FAGGOTS!!!
Sam : NO! NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Frodo : How typical. I knew it was going to turn out like this, the moment they said something about a trial...
Sam : But Mr. Frodo. I... I just can't believe this! This can't be happening!!! I feel so horrible... How can they do this!!! We saved the SHIRE! If not the whole world! Anyway, at least they should let you go! You didn't do anything wrong! It's ALL my fault! I'm SO SO SO sorry for what I did Master... How could I have brought this down upon you? What have I done!?!?
(Sam breaks down into a crying mess on the floor.)
Frodo : Don't say that Sam. It takes two hands to clap your hands. I had as much part in it as you. Don't feel too bad Sam... Don't give them that satisfaction. Stand up Sam... We all have to die some day...
(Sam passes out...)
[A while later, inside Hobbit Jail.]
(Sam regains consciousness..)
Frodo : Are you OK Sam?
Sam : Yes... But I just had the most horrible nightmare!
Frodo : How much I wish it were just a nightmare! But this is no nightmare Sam. We're doomed...
Sam : Where are we Mr. Frodo?
Frodo : We're in jail of course.
(Sam looked around.)
Sam : When did they build a jail like this anyway?
Frodo : During the scourging of the Shire, I guess...
Sam : Is there a way out?
(Sam started looking around for a way out and stopped in front of the barred window.)
Frodo : It's no use Sam. I've looked into every corner... There is no way out.
Sam : I can't believe they're having a party outside.
Frodo : You must forgive them. It's not very often that they get any kind of entertainment, Sam...
Sam : [sigh!] What really hurts me is... I just can't bear the thought of you dying. It just feels so wrong. I don't care what happens to me Mr. Frodo. But not this thing to you. NEVER!!!! I just feel so horrible... I wish I were never born!
(Sam collapsed on the floor and started weeping.)
Frodo : Don't say that! For what it's worth, I don't regret it Sam. Even if you regret what happened, I don't, my dear Sam... Anyway, we did what we did... And now, whatever comes to us, it will...
Sam : Why can't Gandalf come to save us? Doesn't he know?
Frodo : I'm afraid not Sam... When the One Ring was destroyed, all the other Great Rings of Power all lost power. That is why Gandalf lost all his powers as well.
Sam : Do you mean Gandalf carried one too? I didn't see him wearing any Ring?
Frodo : Gandalf seldom wore it. But it was there. It was one of the Elven Rings. One of the Three...
Sam : Are they really going to burn us master? I just can't believe it!
Frodo : Me too! It really is unfair! But that is the way of the times that we live in I guess... As Gandalf said, not all those who die deserved death.
Sam : Yes. He also said not all those who live deserve life! Curse these people! I wish we had never destroyed the One Ring. Now, I wish Sauron had gotten the Ring instead!
Frodo : Don't even say such things Sam! For all I know, when the fire takes us, it will be slow and most painful. But we must be brave Sam.
Sam : How about Merry and Pippin?
Frodo : [Sigh!] If only they were here. But they've gone to Bree. I'm afraid they won't be back until it's all over, Sam...
Sam : How about Aragorn? Why can't he save us? Can't he see what's happening through the seeing stone?
Frodo : He seldom uses it. He has little need for it now that everything is so peaceful. I'm afraid when he does get here to help us, it'll be all too late Sam... Now that you mention it, I truly am afraid of what might happen when Aragorn finds out about all this. Understand Sam, even now when they are going to kill us in so cruel a manner, I still care very much for the Shire. Oh, dear Sam... I realize now that we didn't save the Shire after all...
(This time, Frodo collapsed on the floor and started weeping...)
Sam : Oh, Mr. Frodo... Please stop crying... I breaks my heart to watch you like this... With no hope I mean...
(Frodo and Sam held each other and wept... Then there was the sound of heavy doors being unlocked. Sam tried to let go of Frodo, but Frodo said...)
Frodo : It's no use Sam. Stop trying to pretend you raped me. We might as well have each other close. We have so little time as it is...
(A large, fat hobbit entered the jail corridor. He looked at the two with disgust and said...)
Sheriff : You two make me sick. I always suspected something was going on between you two... Well, it serves you right what's comming to you I mean. By this time tomorrow... Heh Heh Heh... They're gathering the faggots even now! Well, here's your last supper. Good night to you two love-birds!
(The Sheriff pushed two trays through a thin openning.)
Sam : Go away and leave us alone!!! We already feel terrible as it is!!!
(The Sheriff turned and left sneering.)
[the next day, at night, in Hobbit Square]
The Hobbit mob : BURN BURN BURN!!! BURN THE FAGGOTS!!!
BURN BURN BURN!!! BURN THE FAGGOTS!!!
Head Took : Any last words Frodo?
Frodo : You're making a horrendous mistake, Head Took. I urge you again. Please reconsider before you do something that cannot be undone...
The Hobbit mob : BURN BURN BURN!!! BURN THE FAGGOTS!!!
BURN BURN BURN!!! BURN THE FAGGOTS!!!
Head Took : How about you Sam?
Sam : I beg you again dear sir Head Took. Mr. Frodo didn't do anything wrong! Just kill me. And please let Mr. Frodo go! He's the victim! I raped him!!!! You don't kill the victim of rape!!! Why won't any of you believe me?
The Hobbit mob : BURN BURN BURN!!! BURN THE FAGGOTS!!!
BURN BURN BURN!!! BURN THE FAGGOTS!!!
Head Took : Well, enough said! Light the fire!!!
The Hobbit mob : Hurray!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[A few days later, Aragorn arrives in Hobbiton with about a thousand men on horseback.]
Head Took : How may I be of service to you oh my King!
Aragorn : I wish to speak to Frodo. Where is he?
Head Took : Ah! Mr. Frodo... Well, hmmmm.... He's not here at the moment. What is it you want to talk to him about? Just tell me, and I'll pass it on to him...
Aragorn : Men! Grab hold of him! He's hiding something!
Head Took : What is this? I didn't do nothing!
Aragorn's men : He's wearing the mithril coat!
Aragorn : I ask you again... Where... Is... Frodo...
Head Took : Oh please! Mercy! Oh my King! We didn't know what we were doing! Don't kill us all!
Aragorn : What did you do with him?
Head Took : Well! Mr. Frodo was a faggot! We caught him in the middle of the act with Sam. So... We did with them as according to our customs! Which is not much different from yours, is it not?
Aragorn : No... Not Frodo... (Feels dizzy and almost falls off from his Horse.) Where... Where is Merry and Pippin? I want to hear their version of this! Find them!
(A moment later, they bring Merry and Pippin out of Hobbit Jail.)
Merry : (crying hysterically) They killed them! They murdered them!!!
Pippin : (stunned and traumatized) They killed Frodo and Sam... They burnt them alive... When we came back, it was all over... I've cried so much... I don't have any more tears left to cry out...
Aragorn : Why were Merry and Pippin in jail? What was going to be done to them?
Head Took : They made such a disturbance when they came back from Bree... Why, Merry even invaded my home and tried to attack me! We were going to put them in court... I suspect them to be faggots themselves you see...
Aragorn : I see... How much I wished what I was seeing through the stone of Palantiri was not true. Where is Frodo and Sam now? Where are their remains?
Head Took : Ur... That would be... The Hobbiton garbage dump. Where we throw away all our garbage!
Aragorn : Men! Recover Frodo and Sam's remains. And lets leave this awful place ASAP. We're taking Merry and Pippin with us! And don't forget to take that Mithril coat off of Head Took... We'll bury it with Frodo and Sam when we get back to Minas Tirith...
[A few years later, a group of Orcs attacked the Shire. The Head Took sent a messenger to Aragorn for help.]
Aragorn : A messenger has come from the Shire... They're being attacked by Orcs... What should we do Merry?
Merry : They're so backward... Maybe an invasion of Orcs might bring them to their senses... It might be good for them...
Aragorn : My thoughts exactly! What about you Pippin?
Pippin : I don't know sir... I really don't know. Not after what they did to poor Frodo and Sam... But one thing's for sure. Mr. Frodo would've wanted you to help the Shire still. He loved the Shire so...
Aragorn : Oh, poor Frodo...
(Aragorn got depressed and got drunk. Same the next day. And the day after that! So alas, in the end, no help came, not until it was far too late. But by that time, the Orcs had sacked the Shire. And ate all the Hobbits. The End!)