Unforseen Circumstances
A/N: This is a rework of my own original story for another fandom and it is published on this site, just in another universe. It is my own work, so I'm not plagiarizing. You can't plagiarize from yourself. Fair warning, this is not a happy little story, so don't expect that. No actual character death, just lots of angst.
Oh dear G-d, what do I do now? Am I even reading this thing right? This cannot be happening...not now and not to me. We have always been so careful...except... Miami. It had been their second night there. The night was hot, sultry and Ray had insisted on giving her a back rub after they had spent all that time that afternoon sightseeing. She remembered the way his hands felt moving over her back, leaving a trail of fire wherever they went. When his lips joined them, she was already lost and knew it. Before either of them knew it they were too far gone to stop and neither had come prepared.
"Miami, Miami, Miami." Ziva leaned her head back against her bathroom wall and tried to concentrate on keeping her breathing even and steady instead of giving in to the blind panic that beat at her mind. "Keep it together. This thing can be wrong. I have never peed on a stick before so...Oh who am I kidding? I am such an idiot! I thought I was late because of stress. It is not like I have ever been regular since Africa. And when does the flu last over a month? I thought the doctors said that it would be extremely difficult for me to conceive after Somalia."
As calmly and normally as she could, she finished readying herself for the day. She tried to push her discovery from her mind, but her body wouldn't let her. Her third trip to the bathroom prompted her to call her doctor and make an emergency appointment. Gibbs would let her off for an hour or two. He'd voiced his concern over her apparent run of ill health in the last few weeks and would be more than understanding if she told him she had a doctor's appointment. She just wished she could ask someone to go along.
Ray was in prison and thee was no one she felt she could ask to go with her, not even Tony or Abby. Forcing herself to concentrate on other things, she headed into the bull pen and straight to Gibbs' desk.
"Gibbs, might I ask a favor?" she said, standing in front of him.
He looked up from the report he was reading. She looked tired and drawn again. His concern for her health went up yet another notch. "Is everything okay?"
"Yeah, I am fine. I just have an appointment at ten and need to have an hour or so off," Ziva said, trying to avoid his gaze.
"I'm hoping it's a doctor's appointment," he said. Before she could protest, he continued. "Ziver, you haven't been well in nearly a month. You've been tired and pale and I know you've been sick to your stomach. Lately every time I look for you, you're in the head. I've been worried about you and I think you need to see a doctor and find out what you've picked up. I'm not the only one around here that's concerned about you."
"It is. I am sorry that everyone is so concerned, but I am a big girl here and I can take care of myself," Ziva said defensively.
Gibbs rose from his desk and approached her, stopping within an arms length. "That's another thing that's not like you, Ziver; this defensiveness; not with me, anyway. I'm just glad you're going to the doctor. I want to know what he or she says not just as your boss, but as your friend."
"If it is anything serious, I will tell you," she promised. Oh dear God, what am I going to do?It is serious; serious as a, uhm,...I'm pregnant. "Thank you for letting me have a little time off."
Gibbs watched her walk away, worry digging in deeper. He knew he saw something in her eyes that was entirely foreign and he didn't like seeing there. She was afraid.
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She drove back to the Navy Yard in silence, fear gnawing her insides. She knew she needed to eat something, but she was terrified that it would come right back up. Doctor Golden said she's call as soon as she had the results and it would only take a couple of hours...but how was she supposed to function for those couple of hours? Could the home test have been wrong? Could it have been right? Dr. Golden even did a pelvic exam and said she thought she saw something.
Returning to the bull pen she found that there were no blissfully grizzly crime scenes for her to process and a ton and a half of paperwork for her to do. She carefully avoided seeing the concerned looks from her teammates as she made her way to her desk. Ziva didn't need to see the concern or want to answer the unwanted questions. Seating herself behind her desk, she reached for the first folder and began to read.
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It was the ringing that woke her. That and the stiff neck she developed. How did the guys allow her to sleep? They really must be worried. Must be, if Gibbs didn't wake her up. She reached for her cell.
"David," she said crisply.
"Ziva, it's Dr. Golden. The test came back positive. According to the pelvic exam I performed, you're about ten weeks along..."
The rest of what Dr. Golden said was lost in the buzzing in Ziva's head. She remembered responding and then hanging up. Confusion took over and her mind began babbling all manner of nonsense. A sense of fight or flight took over, but that, too was nonsense. How could she fight or flee her own body? She ran for the Ladies' Room.
"Ziva?" a familiar male voice asked in concern.
Oh no, not Tony. Why does it have to be Tony right now? Why can't it be Jill or Barb from Cybercrimes? I can't do this right now. Hearing the door open, she wiped at the tears staining her cheeks and looked up. She kept her voice as steady as she possibly could. "What do you need, Tony?"
Tony stepped into the Ladies' Room and locked the door, cutting them off both visually and aurally from the rest of NCIS. "What's wrong?"
"Why would anything be wrong? I am fine," she lied.
Tony could feel his annoyance building. Why do you have to be so damn stubborn? There may be a virtue in being one hell of a crazy ninja chick, but this is ridiculous. "No, you're not. Ziva, you haven't been fine in weeks. You won't talk to anybody and now I know you've been crying. You say that I'm your partner and you trust me. Put up or shut up. Tell me what's wrong. Talk to me."
He squat in front of her and took her badly shaking hands in his. "Regardless of that thing between you and CIRay and how badly he hurt you, we're still partners and friends and I can't stand seeing you like this. Tell me what the doctor said, because, I know you went to the doctor. You're pretty sick, aren't you?"
"Nothing is wrong. I am not sick. The doctor just called with my test results and I am perfectly healthy." Ziva said, trying to avoid his eyes. She knew if he looked into hers he'd know everything. He always said that her eyes didn't shut up.
"Then why were you crying?" Tony demanded. He gripped both of her hands more firmly, determined to stop the shaking. "Tell me. It has to be something serious to get you to cry."
Ziva took a deep breath and blurted, "Because I am scared out of my mind. I am pregnant and it' is Ray's and since we broke up and he is in prison and he has...has...I am really alone in this and I have no idea what I am going to do. Satisfied, Tony?" She promptly broke down in tears.
Without thought he pulled her to him and held her as she cried. He didn't say anything other than making soothing sounds. He was still trying to wrap his mind around what she had said. Ziva had to be feeling completely terrified at the moment. She was stuck with it; trapped in it and unlike a male, she had to bear the full weight of the physical consequences of her actions, even though she may have actually conceived in love, yet she now bore the evidence burdened by his deceit. There would be no keeping it secret for very long.
"How far along?" he asked softly, hugging her tighter to help to still her sobbing.
"Ten weeks," she replied, pulling away and wiping her reddened eyes. "It's overwhelming and I have no idea what I'm going to do. I mean, decisions have to be made and I don't have much time to make them."
"You're not thinking of-"
"Tony, I just found out and have no idea what I am thinking of right now. I cannot even think straight. I do not want to say anything to anyone just yet; not until I get a handle on it, myself." She stood and paced the room. "If circumstances were different; if I were already married...if...I do not know if I can handle this. Oh God, how am I going to tell Eli? What is he going to say? What am I going to do?"
"You're not handling it alone. Whatever your choice, I'll be there for you. I have your six and always will. You know that, Ziva. If you want to have it, I'll be right there in the delivery room if you want me. If you choose to end it, I'll go with you," Tony said tenderly.
Ziva was stunned by his support. This child is not even his. Child. C-h-i-l-d. Oh, here we go again, I am going to have a baby. This is not good. "Tony, I can't ask that of you."
"You're not asking; I'm giving." Tony said as both of their cells suddenly rang. "I'm serious, Ziva. Don't think I'm not."
Feeling remarkably steadier, Ziva said, "Thank you, Tony. Can you tell Gibbs that I have stopped in the Ladies and I will be right there? I want to clean up a bit. We have a crime scene to process."
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Tony kept his eye on Ziva for the next several days. They'd find quiet moments, when traveling to and from a knock and talk or grabbing a quick meal while out, to discuss what was going on with her and if she had made a decision yet. He was always gentle and supportive and had taken to stocking his gear with crackers and a couple of bottles of water. When McGee noticed and asked him about it, Tony simply said that you never knew how long you'd be at a crime scene or interviewing a witness and when you'd be able to grab a meal. Since DiNozzo had the reputation for such a voracious appetite, no one questioned further.
One week wound it's way to two and two was rapidly becoming three when they were called out to another crime scene. Gibbs too the MCRT truck with McGee. Tony and Ziva had the sedan. Tony automatically handed Ziva the crackers before they even buckled up. "Eat now and avoid the rush."
She accepted the salty food. "Thanks. You know, if I keep eating like this...My pants are already getting a little snug. I am surprised no one has made a comment to me about putting on weight. It is not like you cannot see that some things have, uhm, changed." She made a gesture toward her somewhat enlarged breasts. They were nearly a cup size bigger and were unbelievably sensitive. They actually hurt and she didn't like it one bit.
"Ziva-"
She crunched a cracker. She wiggled in her seat a little, trying to find a more comfortable position. "I still haven't made any decisions yet. I am not telling Ray."
"That's good but you have to decide soon. If you're going to have it, you have to tell Gibbs. You go into the field and it can't be safe for you and the baby-"
"Fetus. Unformed tissues that still does not have a heartbeat. It still has no life in it. Do not call it a baby. It is not and not something I have never wanted at this time in my life. I never expected to be this age. I expected to be dead by now, being Kidon. I never expected to ever be pregnant. If next visit we get an heartbeat then I have to think again. The doctors after Somalia, told me it would be difficult to get pregnant and if I did, they clearly had less than 10 percent rate of me carrying the child to term and I have a high percentage rate of dying in the process. We could both be lost at that price, since how they scarred me from Somalia. Tony, that is enough," Ziva said sharply. Her tone softened. "Please. Do not you understand that I have to think of this the only way? I cannot be attached. There may be no tomorrow for it."
Tony spared a glance at her. "I'm sorry. I'm just concerned about you, that's all. Are you okay?"
She sighed. "I know you are. My back hurts a little. I think I slept funny. A couple of days ago I was spotting, but I called my doctor and she said that it was normal and would last a couple of days. Given my current history, I went in anyway and she cleared me."
"Okay. I just want you to take care of yourself," Tony said gently as they pulled up at the crime scene.
They got out of the vehicle and got to work processing the scene. It was apparently a case of vehicular homicide, the victim tossed like a rag doll. Dr, Mallard processed the victim, a Chief Petty Officer, in her early 20's, while Tony took the victim's pictures and Ziva the tire treads.
As she processed she became aware that her back ache was slowly becoming worse and had now begun to wrap around her front. Finishing snapping pictures, Ziva stood. A sharp pain lanced through her abdomen, dropping her back to one knee. She breathed deeply to ride it out. Something was definitely wrong. Cautiously she stood and walked to Tony.
"Tony, I have to go; something is wrong." It amazed Ziva how steady her voice was at the moment.
His head snapped up. "With the-"
"Uh-huh."
"Do you want me to take you to the emergency room?" he asked softly, already stowing the contents of his kit. He glanced at Ducky. "He's not going to believe us if we say we're done. We haven't been here long enough."
"Leave that to me." Ziva said and held onto his arm as another sharp pain coursed through her. She leaned on him for support until the pain died away. She allowed the natural nausea that accompanied the pain to overwhelm her and she vomited in the bushes, making certain that Ducky saw and heard. "Ducky, I am feeling really bad. I need Tony to take me home. We will call in and let Gibbs know he needs to send in McGee and perhaps Dorneget."
"I thought you looked a little under the weather again, my dear girl. Do you need me to stop by after work?" Ducky asked kindly.
"No, you do not have to. I will be fine," Ziva said as they quickly made their way to the sedan.
"Emergency room?" Tony asked.
Ziva shook her head. "No, take me to my doctor's office. I will call her and let her know we're coming."
The ride wasn't terribly long. Tony still believed that she was better off going to the hospital, but he was not about to push her into anything. Her doctor could decide.
They pulled up in front of the white stone structure. Tony got out and ran to the passenger side of the sedan where Ziva was already struggling to get out. He glanced at the seat and saw a red stain there. She bit off a cry as another cramp raced through her. She felt nauseous and dizzy and could barely stand. She felt Tony lift her and carry her inside. Her heart was pounding in her ears and she was dimly aware of being led into an examining room and laid on the table.
"Ziva, come on, dear, pay attention. I need you to co-operate with me," Dr. Golden said. She was a woman quite a bit older than Ziva, herself, with copper hair and an easy manner. Her deep brown eyes looked concerned. "I know it hurts, but I need to see. I don't want to have to cut your trousers off."
Ziva complied, disrobing from the waist down and laid back for the exam. Her cargos were ruined. Blood. She allowed Dr. Golden to place her feet in the stirrups.
Dr. Golden only needed a cursory glance to tell her what was happening to her patient. Ziva had just begun to bleed heavily; there was nothing she could do. She slid some sterile padding to catch the miscarriage and pulled a sheet over Ziva's legs to cover her. Dr. Golden rolled her stool toward her patient's head. She took her hand. "Sweetie, you're miscarrying. It's too far along and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I can just be here and hold your hand and talk you through it. The cramping that you're feeling right now is like labor pains. They'll stop in a little while. When it's over I'm going to examine you to make sure everything that needed to evacuate did and that there aren't going to be any complications."
"Okay," Ziva whispered. She closed her eyes and tried to sort out what she was feeling and found nothing but confusion there. Sadness, a sense of loss, relief and guilt all swirled around inside her. Nothing surfaced for very long or took precedence among any of the others. It made her dizzy trying to make any sense of it. At least she would not have to tell her father. That should have made her feel better, but it didn't. It just added to the confusion.
"I think the gentleman that brought you in wants to see you," Dr. Golden said. "Stacy says that he's nearly paced a hole in the carpet outside."
"Doctor, did I...is any of this...could I have-"
"Ziva, because of all the internal damage you sustained in Africa, I'm surprised that you even got pregnant in the first place. You miscarried because something wasn't right with the fetus. Remember, too, you're heavily scarred. Even strict bed rest wouldn't have saved this. There is nothing that you did or could have done to prevent or trigger this. It's not your fault," Dr. Golden said soothingly. "I know you said that you were frightened and that you and the father aren't together anymore and everything else that you told me. It's still not your fault. Fear and unwillingness would have only made the pregnancy hard on you, not cause it to end."
"Doctor, Special Agent DiNozzo is making me crazy. He's very concerned and is insisting on seeing Ziva," Stacy said, her head sticking in the door.
"Can you handle seeing him right now?" the doctor asked. When Ziva nodded, she told Stacy to tell him to come in. "Remember, it was a flaw in the biology, not anything you did or didn't do."
Ziva nodded and closed her eyes and rode out another contraction. Dr. Golden squeezed her hand once and left, leaving the door ajar.
Tony stepped quietly inside and shut the door. His heart hitched in his chest when he saw Ziva lying on the exam table. She looked so pale and fragile. He softly padded to her side and took her hand. "Zi-"
"Don't." It was just above a whisper but it held misery in it. She squeezed his hand as a low groan escaped her lips.
"Is it still...?" Tony asked, unable to finish the question.
"Yes," she choked.
"It's okay; I'm here. Squeeze as hard as you can if it helps."
She squeezed down as hard as she could until the contraction eased. She was not going to cry out or yell. "Sorry."
"That's okay." He stroked her hair in an attempt to comfort her. I can't imagine what you're going through right now; what you're feeling. I wish you felt you could confide in me.
"Tony, am I a terrible person to be feeling relief right now? I mean, I do not have a decision to make anymore and I could not be more relieved," Ziva asked softly, a single tear running from her eye. "I feel like a horrible person."
He took his finger an wiped it away. "Not any more than I was when, back in college, an old girlfriend told me that her pregnancy scare was just a false alarm. It doesn't make you a bad person; it just makes you human. What else are you feeling?"
"Guilt, loss, grief," she stiffened again and squeezed his hand hard. A small sob escaped before she could stop it.
Tony couldn't help his own eyes from tearing. He made nonsense soothing sounds and stayed with her until it was over. Dr. Golden came in and Ziva asked for Tony to stay while the doctor performed her examination.
"Everything looks just fine, Ziva," Doctor Golden said. "It was clean. Stacy will help you clean up and I'll send you home. Your pants aren't usable, but I'll give you some scrubs. I want you to rest for the rest of the day and all of tomorrow. Work can wait. Let someone else handle the bad guys. You need time to heal up before you get back in the game. You're going to be sore and bleed quite a bit for the next several days. Just take some ibuprofen if it gets to be too much. I want to see you in two weeks for a follow-up. You call me is you need me; if anything doesn't feel right, or even if you just want to talk."
Ziva nodded and allowed Stacy to help her. Soon she was once again fully clothed and slowly moved out into the waiting room. Tony automatically put an arm around her waist to help her and was surprised when she did nothing to shrug him off. He gently helped her into the car.
"I called and told Gibbs that you got violently ill at the crime scene and that I took you to the doctor. He told me to stay with you and to take the rest of the day to make sure you're alright. He's really worried and said he'd stop by your place tonight to check on you. I tried to tell him not to, but I think he suspects something more and he's coming anyway," Tony told her.
"Fine," she said softly. She leaned her head on the window and let the air conditioning blow in her face.
He drove in silence for a while. "I really am sorry that you lost the baby."
"I know. I was thinking of having it and giving it up. It is not like this job would let me be a single parent," Ziva said miserably.
"You would have made a perfectly good mother even if you won't believe me. What are we telling Gibbs?" Tony asked.
We? When did it become we? Do I like this we thing? "The truth, I guess. I know he's been very concerned. I might as well tell him the truth and get it over with."
"You know he's not going to judge you. He might be a little annoyed that you didn't come to him and tell him that you were pregnant when you found out. I think he's more concerned that you're okay," he said quietly.
The next time he took time to glance over at Ziva, he found that she had fallen asleep. He didn't blame her; she had been through enough already and it was only slightly past noon. He reached over and gently shook her shoulder. "We're home."
She slowly opened her eyes, realizing that the vehicle was no longer moving. "Home?" She asked sleepily.
"Yes, home," Tony replied, smiling slightly. "Don't try to get out yourself. Let me come and get you." He walked to the passenger side and helped her out, walking her to the door.
She turned to him. "Thank you, Tony; for everything. I mean it. I do not know what I would have done without you. I would have been so lost."
"And you're still not alone." He took the keys from her hand and unlocked the door, pushing it open. "Inside; now and into pajamas, young lady. The doctor told you to rest and you are going to rest."
"You are not going to get a fight out of me. Thank you for bringing me home. I will call you later."
"I'm not going anywhere. Boss' exact words were "take her home and stay with her". I'm not disobeying a direct order and I don't think being alone is something you really want right now. If you did, you wouldn't be hesitating," Tony said firmly. "I'm staying and that's that."
"Alright," she agreed softly and lead him inside. "Can I get you-"
"Ziva! Go get in your night things and lay down in bed. I'll make myself at home," Tony said, shooing her toward her bedroom. While she changed, he made himself at home in her kitchen, finding some canned soup, crackers and juice. He heated the soup then poured it into a couple of bowls. He dug out an old breakfast tray and arranged the soup, crackers and juice on it and then carried it to her bedroom. "Lunch is served."
"Tony, you shouldn't have," she protested, yet feeling a little flush of pleasure at being taken care of.
"Hey, eat your soup while it's still warm," Tony said, eying her carefully. "Penny for your thoughts."
She swallowed a mouthful of soup."I was just thinking about how wonderful you were through all of this. You took care of me in every possible way; mentally, emotionally and physically. Whoever the lucky lady is that captures your heart had better realize that she has herself a treasure and never to let go of you." Ziva fought for a moment with pending tears, the realization of her feelings for Tony becoming very clear. Damn Rule 12!
Tony's cheeks reddened. "Thanks Zi." He ate in silence for a moment. "I'm just sorry that things didn't work out with you and CIRay and he ended up being not such a good guy. I know he said he loved you. If he really did he wouldn't have-"
"Tony, please, you know how I...I mean, how much you..." Ziva broke off, once again fighting tears that she didn't know if they were hormonally triggered or just pent up emotion that she thought was long buried.
"It's okay, Ziva. This isn't a good subject for today anyway," Tony said gently. He took her now empty bowl off her lap. "Why don't you lay down and take a nap? You fell asleep in the car."
She scooted down beneath her covers. "Yeah, I think I will." She glanced at the bright sunlight outside her window. It wasn't even evening yet; in fact, the clock told her that it was just slightly past 2 pm. She never laid down in the middle of the day. Never. Yet today she was completely exhausted. Her eyes welled again as the full impact of what she went through crashed into her full force. It hadn't been bad cramps...A living being died inside of me. I know it's not my fault. Why do I feel like it is?I was going to have a baby; was. Now I am not. How can I feel...What do I feel...I'd rather have a gun in my face than have to go through this right now. She grabbed Tony's hand, unable to trust her voice.
He looked down and saw the tears glistening in her eyes and understood. Everything that happened to her since discovering that she was pregnant suddenly was real to her. He could see the fog lifting from her mind as her emotions played across her face. He sat next to her, putting his arm around her. She leaned into him, burying her face in his chest, soft sobs wracking her body. "It's okay, Sweetcheeks; it's going to be okay. You're not alone; you won't ever be alone." He continued his soft murmurings until she stilled and fell asleep. Tony carefully extricated himself out from under her and then carefully laid her back against the pillows, tucking the light blanket securely around her. He placed a soft kiss on her cheek and left her to rest.
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"Boss, she's really pretty fragile right now. Go easy on her," Tony said protectively, letting Gibbs in.
Gibbs glanced around the living room. "You act as if I'm going to interrogate her. I just want to know what's going on with her. I've never known Ziva to be in such ill health for so long and she's never had to leave a crime scene before. I am understandably concerned and I want to get to the bottom of it and I need to hear it from her. That is, unless you want to fill me in."
Tony shook his head. "I can't; it's not mine to tell. What I can tell you is that she isn't sick."
"Tony?" Ziva asked, coming into the living room. Her hair was slightly mussed and she hugged her abdomen over her over sized NCIS shirt. She looked like she had just woken up.
"Why are you out of bed? You know you were told to rest." he admonished gently.
"I heard voices. You know, I do live alone. Voices in my living room can only mean one of two things: I've forgotten to shut my TV off or someone is in here," Ziva explained, coming further into the room. She moved slowly, as if in some pain. "Gibbs, can I get you anything?"
"No, I'm fine," Gibbs replied, looking his newest Special Agent over carefully. While she looked better rested than he'd seen her in some time, she still didn't look quite right. For one, she looked as though she'd been crying and was moving as if she were in a great deal of physical discomfort. "I just came to check on you. How are you feeling?"
She gave him a half-hearted smile. "Better."
"But not great."
"No, not great," she replied, sitting on her sofa and drawing up her knees under her. "Please, make yourself at home. You have been here enough times to know I do not stand on formality."
Gibbs sat across from her in an overstuffed chair. He leaned forward as Tony sat down next to Ziva, his proximity a very protective gesture.
"I suppose you want an explanation," Ziva said softly. Her eyes were on the carpet.
"I would like one, yes," Gibbs replied, kindness evident in his voice. "I've been very worried, you know. I had hoped that you'd confide in me. What's going on, Ziver?"
She was silent for a long while, gathering her thoughts and trying to think of an easy way to put it. She could feel the heat of Tony's body next to her and she drew some strength from his nearness. She could also feel Gibbs' concerned blue eyes resting on her. She could sense no judgment from him, just bone deep worry.
Her voice was soft but steady. "About three weeks ago I found out that I was pregnant. I was...panicked, really. But it all made sense; the nausea, exhaustion, soreness, the constant trips to the Ladies'. I was scared out of my mind. I am a single woman with a very demanding profession and no life partner that I can count on to be there. Tony was the only one that knew and only because he walked in on me right after I found out from the doctor and was in a state of terrified panic. I broke down and told him and asked him to not say anything until I sorted everything out for myself."
Gibbs' voice was equally soft. "Ziva, you could have come to me. I would have helped you."
She nodded. "I know and Tony tried to persuade me to, but I just...I could not. It honestly wasn't really real in my own mind until today. I know I tried to block it out and continue as if nothing even happened despite the physical evidence. I wasn't ready and I didn't want it but I didn't know what to do."
"Does the father know?" Gibbs asked. He had a sick feeling that it was Ray Cruz. He was the last one she had been serious with and it fit the time frame. He could feel the fury boiling up inside him. How Cruz hurt her; how he let her down. Disappointed her, disillusioned her. How he lied to her and still had the balls to expect she'd accept his proposal. Ray Cruz never really KNEW Ziva at all. If he did...Gibbs was just glad that, despite the emotional pain it caused her, Cruz was out of her life. Yet she still carried his child.
She shook her head. "No. And before you ask, it is Ray. But all that does not matter now."
"Why?" he asked, his voice never more tender. Gibbs could see that she was raw and open and he didn't want to hurt her any further but he knew there was more. He had never seen her this vulnerable before.
"I did not get violently ill at the crime scene today, Gibbs, and Tony did not bring me straight home. He took me to my doctor's office and...and I...I lost it. I guess it was not supposed to be anyway. Not after Africa," Ziva pressed her face into Tony's shoulder, trying not to break down again.
"I'm so sorry, Ziver," Gibbs choked. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, keep it between us. I do not want it to get all over NCIS and I do not want it to be common knowledge that I am so damaged. I cannot take the looks I would be getting," she broke off, unable to continue. "It was bad enough after Somalia. The looks, the stares. I do not think I can endure it again. I am damaged beyond repair. I cannot even carry a child. I do not want the pity."
"Nobody would think that, Zi," Tony said fiercely. He hugged her tightly. "Don't you ever believe that. Let us just tell the rest of the team. You don't have to do it. I will. They're frantic over you. Abby has called a half a dozen times while you were sleeping. Put their minds at ease."
Ziva couldn't fight the logic of it. She loved each of them fiercely and would walk through fire for them and she knew they'd do the same for her. She realized that she'd be equally as frantic if she saw the same thing happening to Abby. "Alright, just them, nobody else."
Gibbs graced her with a rare smile. "Good. Now I don't want to see you back at work until at least Monday. Take the time to rest up and let your body heal."
"The doctor said that I can go back Friday," Ziva argued.
"Not until Monday. I don't want to put you on leave and I will if you show up before then. You understand me, David?"
"Gibbs, I am not-"
"Ziva, you've just been through an emotional upheaval and have suffered physical trauma. I don't want you back at work until you've had a good chance to at least physically recover from it," Gibbs argued, giving her his death stare. "You show up and I'll put you on a week's suspension for disobeying a direct order from your team leader. I am doing this, David, for your own good. You are in no condition now, nor will you be in any condition by Friday, to be back at work."
"Gibbs-" she began in that warning tone she reserved for serial killers.
"Goddammit, Ziva, you've just lost a child!" Tony suddenly exploded from next to her. "I saw what you have been going through since you found out; how emotional wrung out you are. Who do you think has been trying to hold you together? Listen to Gibbs and take the time to process. Why do you have to be so damn stubborn? This ninja warrior bullshit exterior of yours has to drop until you've dealt with this. Stop shutting yourself off and deal with what you're feeling!"
Ziva looked at him in shock. Tony, no, no one has ever spoken to her like that. How did he ever get to know her so well? How did he get behind her walls? When did he get behind her walls? Even Ray wasn't in so far and had never been. "Tony, I..." she said shakily.
Here it comes... "You what?" he asked.
Tears welled and began to slowly track down her cheeks. "I am sorry. I was so wrapped up in trying to not... I did not want it to be... The fact that I cannot handle..."
"Can't handle what?" Tony pushed, sensing she was about to crack.
"Not being in control of anything in my life, alright? Did I ask to get pregnant? No. Did I get pregnant? Yes. Did I want it? No, at least I do not think I did. Do I have any concept of exactly how I feel right now? NO I DO NOT!" Her voice both escalated in volume and emotion until she broke down, curling herself over into a fetal position on the couch, sobbing heart brokenly. When Tony tried to gather her in his arms, she pushed back at him. He refused to let go and finally her weak attempts to physically distance herself stopped and she allowed herself to be comforted.
Gibbs stood up and paced a short distance away, shaken. He had never seen Ziva explode like that, ever. She was always so in control and calm.
He looked back over at Ziva and Tony and suddenly felt like an interloper. This was a private moment that he felt he had no right to be involved in. He walked to them and stroked the top of her head, placing a fatherly kiss there, gaining her brief attention. "You need time so I'm going to go. I'm a phone call away if you need anything at all. Don't worry about anything. I'll take care of it. I'll let myself out."
She nodded, vision blurred by tears. "Thank you," she croaked before burying her face once again.
Gibbs let himself out, making a mental note to talk to Tony later, privately.
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Once Gibbs had gone, Tony held Ziva until she exhausted herself and fell asleep. He gazed down at her sleeping form. She had told him about the revelation she had had during the miscarriage and that she thought that she might actually have wanted it, but was terrified to want it. It seemed that fallout from Somalia may be with her for the rest of her life. He had held her, even though she hadn't cried. He was thrown for a loop when Ziva had begun talking about her feelings for him and how they were made so very clear throughout this entire ordeal of hers. Tony could tell she was struggling with the words and that the subject was hard for her to talk about. She had sounded so scared that he blurted out how he had felt toward her for a long time. It was funny, really, how they had each felt the same thing for years but never acted on it. It had taken one personal tragedy on top of another personal tragedy to get them to open up to each other. They still had to deal with Gibbs and Rule 12, but they agreed to take it very slow and careful and keep it far from the workplace for the time being. They just agreed to explore the possibilities and not push. They had both been too scarred in the past to rush head-long into a relationship.
Ziva sighed softly and snuggled closer to him, wrapping her free arm around his waist, content in her sleep. Tony smiled and laid his cheek on her head, breathing in her soft scent, a sense of contentment and well-being surrounding him. Let them deal with everything else on Monday. Keep whatever they now had out of the workplace for the time being and talk to Gibbs later. For now Tony just held her and wanted to help her heal. They would have to tread carefully, but that was for tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.