Animal

Disclaimer: Hellsing belongs people who are not me. I am making £0.00 out of this fic, it is written purely because I have a burning need to create. Although I would like to own Alucard . . . then he'd be mine. The song 'Animal I have become' is also not mine.

Rating: R – Sexual references

Authoress note: Coming to terms with the obvious. Dedicated to Yermog.

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I can't escape this hell

So many times I've tried

But I'm still caged inside

Somebody get me through this nightmare

I can't control myself

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?

No one will ever change this animal I have become

Help me believe it's not the real me

Somebody help me tame this animal

(This animal, this animal)

I can't escape myself

So many times I've lied

But there's still rage inside

Somebody get me through this nightmare

I can't control myself

Somebody help me through this nightmare

I can't control myself

Somebody wake me from this nightmare

I can't escape this hell

{Alucard}

I cannot understand humans. Those were the words I said to myself when a human girl stood in front of me, believing me to be the answer to her prayers. To tell the truth, she was not my uppermost concern. She was a victim, she was going to die. That's what humans did, it matters little to me when they do it, humans are little better than beasts. I have always believed this, even when I myself was one I believed other men little more than beasts. But the way she looked at me as if I was her knight it was the same look Integra had given me over a decade ago. He held her threatening rape, death and enslavement and she could not see a way to stop him carrying out his threats, but then I had come and cut through his ghouls, something she and her fellow mortals had not been able to do and I had done it with no true effort on my part, I had even taken amusement in it. I had a strength they did not and she thought I was there to save her. But it was not that which caused me to ask that question, to make that decision. One moment was all it took, one moment she was a simple victim then the next I was looking at a potential child. In all honesty, I am still unsure what changed at that moment to make me see her as such, but it only took me seconds. He was shouting at me, begging for his life, but I was not listening; in those seconds I slid into her mind, gently so even she could not feel me there and I saw her, saw who she really was. She was not a timid creature, true there was fear, but it was a thin surface layer guarding who she really was. Underneath her fear, she had something so few humans have and it was that that changed my mind.

"You girl, are you a virgin?" It was the one question that would change everything.

Her eyes on me flickered with something unidentifiable, she thought I was her rescuer and had a foolish blind trust in me despite having witnessed some of what I was capable of, she had seen me pull myself back together, something that had sent brave men mad. Yet still the question froze her, and I had to ask it again. Her captor was screaming now, desperation making him half wild as he realised why I was asking such of her. His panic was what made her answer me so suddenly, and with those words I shot her. Even after I put a bullet through her lung she still believed that I was going to save her. Reaching up for me as she lay dying, I would not admit it to any other but her unconditional trust stirred something inside of me that I thought I had lost when Hellsing first got its claws into me. And although she thought I was speaking to her. I was not. I was speaking to myself. Her blood, what was left of it was warm and smooth, the freely given blood of a virgin girl, many have performed unspeakable actions for such a bounty and she had given me hers without any hesitation, it was a great gift and one I did not deserve. My teeth in my own wrist were a sharp pain, but I am accustomed to pain and all the sensation did was raise the hair on my arms. Her mouth on that wound though made my very core pulsate and tremble.

Her blind hunger, her desperate need and her trust in me combined with the sensation of being fed upon nearly made me swoon, but with an effort I stopped myself, it would not do well to lose face now. Her wound healed first, filling with my blood, the skin repairing rapidly, then her strength returned and her hands gripped my wrist hard, her teeth shifting on the bite I had made for her. It was no necessary for her to take much of my blood and I am still unsure why I allowed her to drink from me for so long, but nevertheless I did not push her away until I felt my head start to feel light. Her soft sound of distress as I pulled myself free of her made me smile, poor child, for she would not know the taste of true blood for many years to come. Maybe I would feed her myself for a time, it was a strange fancy and not one I have ever felt before but I wanted her to be well cared for, spoilt even. I shook that thought from myself and reached down to lift her. She was shaking and I formed a large cloth to wrap her in, more for the sake of comfort than from actual cold. It was only when I picked her up that I realised how small she was, she fit so perfectly in my grip that it was almost as if she had been made to fit there. I felt my grip on her tightening ever so slightly, holding her more firmly against my chest. She looked up at me then, her eyes more focused than they had been a moment ago although her mind was still cloudy and she smiled, a real genuine smile, fuelled by pure delight, a small sound of happiness left her and she closed her eyes and curled against me, shifting in my arms till she was comfortable. The smile had shocked me; I cannot remember the last time someone smiled at me in that fashion, when had someone truly been happy at my presence?

She gave me that smile again, weeks later. We were in the small Irish town on the border and Anderson had shown his face for the first time, he had hurt us both. Catching us off guard, throwing his blessed swords and piercing her back, anger flared in me at that action, hot, hard and completely irrational for I knew she was not truly hurt, her heart was intact yet the anger still lashed in me and it took some effort on my part to hide my inner reaction. But once the fight with Anderson had ended, if you wish to call that a fight, she had smiled at me again and I had admitted to Integra that I thought I had changed her out of sentimentality. Much time has passed since those days, but not much has changed, she still smiles at me and I am still confused by it. Although, now I do not hide my pleasure at it. Much later she has even risked herself to save me, even although I did not need saving. Anderson had finally found a way to hurt me, he had become a monster and my reaction had been powerful, the disgust has twisted inside of me like a living creature and I had forcefully remembered my own change. The memory had stunned me and I had fallen, he had cut me, but I didn't notice what I did notice, however, was her, she had realised something was wrong with me and had come to my aid. She had come to rescue me. Through the power that binds us as Master and servant I had been able to feel her emotions, she had been frightened but her fear was not controlling her, and greater than the fear of harm was the fear of losing me. It had stunned me, her terror at my loss, no one ever had feared losing me before, yet her fear of me being hurt was what propelled her to run at Anderson. Anderson, the man, now the monster that she had feared with an almost uncontrollable force since she had first laid eyes on him, she rushed him to save me. And later after his destruction when I was on my knees she had tried to come to me, she had started to move to me, I could still feel her and her grief at my own apparent pain was overwhelming. But I never got to find out what she would have done if she had made it to me for we were interrupted, by Walter.

It will do no good now dwelling in my memories. I'm awake now, looking down the hallways of this place which holds me, this place has never felt like home, always like a prison, always cold, always hard, never welcoming. I have always hated this house. When I was younger I would dream of others of my kind coming to me, calling my name hoping for a leader and together we would burn this place to the ground and I would once again be free. But now that dream is gone and now this place is more real to me than ever before, I look out at the dark corridors and I do not see a house. I see eternity stretching out before me again. I roam the basement, searching for meaning, for a reason, and finding nothing - only a blank, puzzling bewilderment. Why am I here, in this place? What does it matter, that I am here, and not another of my kind? Nothing matters anymore; I am completely alone in this place, as all monsters should be. But I am not truly alone, she is here with me. After millennium's final assault on us we recovered and returned here, the damage to the house was great but was slowly being repaired. I had spoken to her softly, she had been curious as to my reaction, both to Andersons betrayal of his humanity and then to his death and I found myself unable to keep it from her. I had spoken to her as I have never before spoken to anyone and I like to think she saw me, just me, not the weapon, not the monster, just me. When I had finished speaking she had almost thrown herself at me. I had been surprised by her action and even more surprised by the fact she was crying, crying for me. I let my arms rest on her back; her own arms wrapped around my waist and listened to her speak. She spoke of fear and nightmares, terror and loneliness and how she had never been truly afraid of me. She finished her flow of words with talk of love. To say I was surprised would have been a small understatement, but I knew her words were honest, and before I could find myself again through my surprise she had pressed her mouth to mine. She was very new to this and lost her confidence very quickly, I could feel her confusion, her lack of knowledge and so I took it upon myself to teach her. Sometimes being a master can be incredibly enjoyable.

A kiss is dangerous with one of our kind; sharp fangs make it impossible to be safe. Her enthusiasm outmatched her skill and she bled a lot, her tongue going back to my teeth again and again. If I had thought her cutting of herself on my teeth to be accidental the feeling of smugness I caught from her at the low groan I had made at the taste of blood, destroyed that thought, she was indeed doing it on purpose. Blood is more to us than just a food source, it is life, and it causes powerful reactions from us. My arms wound around her holding her to me, as one of her hands wound into my hair, to prevent me moving back away from her while her other hand wound around my shoulder, her claws easily piercing my coat, shirt and skin alike. She growled, a sound I found I quite liked, when I pressed back, returning her favour and cutting myself on her teeth, the flow of blood clearly shocked her and it spilled out between us, dripping into her coffin below. When she pulled back from me, she smiled again and licked her own blood from the corners of my mouth before resting her head on my chest and sleeping. I sat there awake, we were in her coffin, placed against the wall, my back rested against the cold stone as I sat there thinking, but my thoughts were meaningless, hard to understand with the taste of her still virgin blood on my tongue and her slow steady breathing.

I jerk suddenly, caught from my thoughts at the feel of another's mind. Fear bubbles up inside me, but it is a fear that is not my own, it is strange at first but once I push it back and become calm again it is understandable, I can see many shapeless faces all of which seem to be coming for me, all mean me harm and there is nothing to protect me from them. There is death everywhere and war all around me, the foreboding shape of one of the major's balloons can be seen in the sky. I understand that this is Seres' fear and not my own and without thought I find myself slipping into the darkness, slipping into my own power which wraps around me and moves me to where I want to be. I feel myself reform in her bedroom. It is a barren room, unlike my own, my room is not overly furnished, but it is comfortable, rugs and paintings I have collected make the room warm while hers is empty of such trinkets. Hers is not the bedroom of any woman I have ever known, women in my memory have always furnished their home's to be as decorative as possible, as warm as possible. It is why I have spent the majority of my time in places owned by women as they are the places I feel most comfortable surprisingly. Despite my own 'vicious' nature, I would much prefer to lie on something soft than something hard and thus I am not adverse to comforts. Seras is in her coffin, the lid half off and I can see her shivering under a blanket making small noises to herself, lost in the nightmare I too can feel lurking inside myself through the connection we share. Strangely I notice that the blanket is the same one I brought her here in, odd I thought it destroyed. I move myself towards her coffin, the lid is easy for me to finish removing, and I lift it simply and look at her for a moment. She is beautiful, I have rarely thought this about anyone, but she has a beauty that is rare among any creature, she has a delicacy and a strength that contradict each other but still for some reason work well within herself. She is beautiful to me, strong and in need of protection at the same time. She is disturbed at the movement of her coffin lid and I watch as she tries to wake herself but fails, the grip of the nightmare to strong.

"Police girl!" I snap hoping to wake her from her dream, "wake up." My command to her would slice through anything, be it exhaustion, drugs or nightmare, she cannot resist my call, I am her master. She wakes abruptly, eyes clouded, heart thumping although it has no need to.

"Master?" she looked up at me, frowning in confusion

"You had a nightmare," I said by way of explanation and stood from my kneeling position over her coffin "you'll be fine, go back to sleep police girl."

"Don't leave!" she snapped, her voice desperate and frightened. Turning back to her I find myself thinking of a child, a young child. I have lived with Hellsing long enough to see a few children roaming the halls all of which were future masters. I knew they had suffered from nightmares and when they had done so their parents had taken them to their own beds and allowed them to sleep there. Making my decision quickly I sighed to myself, I must be mad to indulge her thus. I went back to her and lifted her, she made a small squeak of a statement and I couldn't help but smirk then I pulled on my power again and moved us both.

Unlike Seres I have a bed; I had ordered hers destroyed because of her refusal to drink the blood. I had assumed she would refuse a coffin as well so I had given her no other choice. She needed something that would keep her strong. I now only needed my coffin when I travel or when I anticipated that I would need all my strength sometime soon, or even when I was just feeling nostalgic. I moved to the bed and dropped her unceremoniously onto it, she laughed as she bounced slightly on the mattress, I couldn't help the small frown I gave her, and she grinned at me looking endearing and foolish at the same time and shuffled around on the soft surface pulling the blankets over herself. I shook my head slightly amused as she disappeared into my bed a small tuft of blonde hair all that was visible of her. Her head reappeared a moment later and continued to smile at me,

"The sheets smell like you," she said, then as if just realising what she had said she blushed, I was pleased as this proved she had been drinking the blood left for her.

"They would, they are mine," I answered and turned away, only to be yanked back by a strong grip on my coat.

"Stay with me," She said firmly, the blush did not go away and she could not meet my eyes. I smirk at her, lifting her chin with my gloved hand.

"I was planning to," I answered, she smiled at me again and once more I found myself wondering why she did that, she smiled at me so easily and so often while no one else had ever done, even as a child Integra had never smiled at me, even when I tried to make her. "It is almost daybreak," I muttered standing, removing my coat, boots and shirt. She watched me and I found myself wondering how long it had been since anyone had watched me undress, even if it was only partial. Pushing the thought aside I returned to her and none-to-gently nudged her over, she laughed again and curled against me when I settled. Absently my arm went around her holding her to me her head resting under my chin; again it seemed she was meant to fit against me. She giggled suddenly and I cracked open an eye to glare at her, she squirmed back from me rubbing her nose, my one-eyed glare intensified.

"Your hair," she sniffed, curling against me again. "It tickles." I would have frowned had my eyes been open instead I shook my head a little, my hair had a habit of getting longer on its own unless I made a conscious thought to keep it short. I was about to shorten it when her hand clasped at it, gripping it, pulling slightly but not to the point of discomfort. With a quiet snort I dropped the thought and settled again, her head under my chin again, my arm around her, she was so warm.

"Why," she asked suddenly, her hand still clinging to those strands of my hair "why do you look after me?" I swallowed a growl, I have never been the most patient creature and I was tired, her questions keeping me awake when I would sleep.

"You are my blood," I answered forcing myself to be soft, it was a strange question to ask of me, and I was unsure what my answer should be.

"But why?" she asked again and I sighed

"Power," I said simply "power can destroy and destruction is addictive but what is the point of holding all this power if all you do is destroy when you can protect."

"You protect me because you can," she said softly, her voice sounded disappointed

"Because I choose to, I want to," I corrected, she nodded and smiled a little, it was clearly not the answer she was looking for, but it was the one I had given her so she accepted it and settled against me once again.

"Thank you," her voice was nearly silent and I could her sleep in her words so I did not reply, I just tightened my grip on her.

Warm, that was my first thought as my mind slowly returned to consciousness. It was so warm here, and so comfortable. I was wrapped in soft blankets with a comfortable warm weight sprawled over me. Both of which were responsible for the warmth and for the first time in decades I finally felt rested, almost peaceful. I felt myself waking up slowly and rather enjoyed it. Then the weight on me shifted and my eyes opened, oh yes, Seres. She had it seemed tired to cover me completely with herself, one of her legs was thrown over both of mine, and one of her arms was slung equally haphazardly across my chest. The hand attached to the arm was resting against my chin. And somehow, she had managed to push us both to the left side of the bed. My own arm had not moved from her waist, I smiled and closed my eyes shifting us both back towards the centre of the bed to stop us falling, then settled once again I yawned and tried to go back to sleep. Unfortunately, my movement woke her. She made a small sleepy happy sound and I felt her squirm on top of me, obviously waking slowly as I had moments before. It has been far too long since I had woken with another in my bed and having said girl squirm was not helping this fact in any sense. Thinking if I remained still she would go back to sleep I did not move, unfortunately, my masterful plan failed miserably when she shook me.

"Master," I could hear the smirk in her voice, and wondered briefly why she was so happy so early, no one should be this happy this early. I opened my mouth to tell her firmly to go back to sleep, but all that came out was

"NNnnnnn Seras," not my most eloquent speech, but it made her go very still, to hear me half groan her name, I'm unsure if it was the fact I had groaned or if it was because I was using her given name rather than the pet name I had dumped on her. She went still for a few moments and curiosity got the better of me, I cracked open an eye to watch her, only to find she was watching me from her position in my lap. The look on her face was mixed; there was a hunger there that I recognised but also confusion and hesitance. I leaned up and brushed my mouth across hers and let myself fall back to the bed, she followed me mouth closed over mine. I smirked into the kiss; I had meant the gesture only as one of comfort and had not expected such a pleasant reaction. Her tiny claws bit into my arms and drew drops of blood, I felt myself let out a sound akin to a purr and wrapped arms around her, moulding her to me. She was supple and warm and I am unsure of the sound I made at that only knowing that I made one. I felt her trembling against me as I took control of the kiss, making small sounds of desperation, her smell changed ever so subtly in a manner I had only half been expecting. She growled again and shifted on top of me squirming against me, making a slightly louder and greatly more pleased sound when her hips moved lower coming into sharp contact with my own. My own growl joining hers.

Her movements after were slow and curious, her hands soft and slowly gaining in confidence but still not brave enough to venture to more sensitive flesh. But still she found places that had forgotten the feel of soft hands and remembered only claws and bullets, and in turn I made her writhe, my own hands lacking the shyness of hers. Clothing came off slowly, my own giving more trouble than hers before my hands returned to her now bare flesh, along with whispers that I thought her beautiful. But my words were drowned out by her gasps and then silenced altogether when a timid hand brushed me gently, touching curiously but making me groan nonetheless, her grip tightened suddenly and my teeth found her shoulder. The bite making her twist and writhe under my weight her own cries' gaining volume, but it wasn't until she was arching against me that I decided she was ready.

"Master," she breathed and I felt her move, she reached up to me, pulling me down to her and closed her mouth on my throat, fangs breaking the skin as I pressed into her. She had missed the vein and the blood that she got was small, little more than a dribble. But that didn't matter right this minute. What mattered was this heat, and the tightness, and the slide, and her pale body arching beneath me, her voice moaning softly in time with my slow movements. I closed my eyes for a moment, and red throbbed behind the lids. It was, this was ... yes.

I loved her.

End

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My first Novel, Grey Wings has now been released!

GREY WINGS

Jason is stranded in a dark city, and is in desperate need of help when he has no idea how he will get home.

So, when he collides with Aurelius, an Angel only in the mildest sense of the word – who has committed a crime worthy of great punishment, but has been handed a rare chance at redemption – Jason can see a way home.

However, their journey will be hampered by Fallen Angels, Earth Spirits, and Griffons – and none can say if everyone will make it home.