This story deals with the aftermath of rape, with some graphic sexual content. Please be warned, if these types of storylines trigger you. Takes place in season 17, although I have not written Dodds into the story. I'm not a fan of the kid storylines in crime dramas, as I find it takes away from the show, so Noah and Jesse do not exist in this universe.
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"And I came to get hurt
(Get hurt)
Might as well do your worst to me
(Get hurt)
Have you come here to get hurt?
(Get hurt)
Have you come to take away from me?
From me, from me
Might as well do your worst to me."
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Amanda Rollins leans against the wall, her head braced on her arms and her eyes squeezed tightly shut as the man pushes into her roughly from behind. His hands are on her bare hips, fingers squeezing hard enough to leave bruises, her pants and underwear pooling around her ankles. She hadn't even had enough time to get fully undressed or onto the bed before he had grabbed her, impatiently pulling at her clothes and yanking them down.
She keeps her eyes closed, sweat matting her blonde hair against her forehead, trying not to listen to the grunts and groans of the man behind her. The sex is quick and brutal, like it usually is, and even though she knows she'll be feeling the pain for days afterwards, she still she welcomes it.
This man, whom she had met a few months prior in her gambling addiction support group, is also a sex addict with a penchant for hurting his partner, but Amanda doesn't mind the pain, and in fact, enjoys it. She deserves it for the things she has done, for the things she hasn't said, for the things other women have been through because of her.
She bites her lip and winces at a particularly hard thrust from the man whose name escapes her at the moment, even though they have done this several times now. She doesn't even care who he is, his name, his age, what has happened in his life to make him enjoy this as much as she does; all she knows is that she needs this, the pain, the punishment, the humiliation. Maybe it will finally make things even.
But deep down inside, she knows that no matter what she does, it will never be even and she should never be forgiven for what she had done back in Atlanta when she had let her superior take advantage of her; when she had buried it so far into that dark little corner of her brain that held every terrible thing that had ever happened to her, when her shame had kept her quiet and he had been free to do it again.
The man behind her clamps his mouth onto the delicate skin between her neck and shoulder and bites down hard, Amanda stifling a whimper as tears spring to her eyes. She blinks them back furiously, not allowing herself to cry in front of this brutal stranger. She never cries during their time together; she saves that for when she is at home in her apartment, curled up with her dog Frannie and drowning her sorrows and dark thoughts in a bottle of beer. That's when the tears come so hard and fast, she sometimes cries until morning, sleep eluding her. Sleep is when her worst nightmares come alive, so the hours of sobbing are preferable anyway.
The man's breathing suddenly picks up and Amanda knows he is close, knows he will get his release soon, although she will never get hers. His hips pump harder into her and she has her hands pressed flat against the wall now, trying to steady herself and keep from slipping to the floor. She prefers to do this on the bed of the seedy motel room they always rent for an hour, but sometimes he is too impatient and needy to wait. They have done it on the floor and even in the car, when his patience is thin.
He stiffens behind her and lets out a guttural moan, resting his sweaty forehead against her shoulder blades for a moment before pulling out of her roughly and smacking her on the ass with a firm hand. Amanda turns around slowly, still resting against the wall, and watches as he gathers his clothing off the floor and begins dressing, not even throwing a glance in her direction. Now that it's over, she knows he has no more use for her and will likely leave without a word. They will have no more contact until the next time one of them needs this quick, dark release, and a sparsely worded text with the date and time is sent to the other.
Sure enough, he leaves the motel room a moment later without even a backward glance, and she is left alone to shower in the dingy bathroom and pull herself together enough to return to work at the precinct without it looking like she has done nothing more than go out for lunch with some friends. At least that is what she tells her co-workers, and so far no one has mentioned anything.
Amanda does her best to return to work looking as sleek and well dressed and non-rumpled as she had leaving an hour earlier. She smooths her hair down against her head as she walks back into the squad room, and her hand grazes the bite mark on her skin. She inwardly winces, pulling her shirt collar up higher on her neck and hoping no one will notice. Amanda is usually more careful about where she allows the man to hurt her, as the last thing she needs are questions from her co-workers. They are well-meaning, but her personal life doesn't concern them and they likely won't understand anyway.
She settles down at her desk, noticing Fin and Carisi have not yet returned from their break but that Olivia is in her office, pacing and talking on the phone with a serious expression, and Amanda guesses that she hasn't even left or eaten yet. Her eyes meet her boss' through the office window and their gazes lock for a moment. For a split second, Amanda is sure that Olivia knows what she was up to on her lunch break, that the older woman can somehow spot her shame, and she looks away quickly, feeling heat rise to her cheeks.
When she looks up again, Olivia has turned away from her, still talking on the phone, and Amanda sighs, partly in relief and partly in disappointment. There is some small part of her that wishes her boss would take an interest in her; would care a little more, would find her to be a capable employee and not the nuisance that she usually is, always getting into trouble and taking matters into her own hands when a case isn't going her way.
She and Olivia have not seen eye to eye since Amanda had arrived in New York several years earlier, and sometimes it still baffles her how everything had gone so wrong between them so quickly. She had admired Olivia Benson for a long time before coming to the Special Victims Unit, and had been hopeful for a great relationship with her boss; had come ready and willing to learn everything that Olivia had to offer and teach her. But it hadn't gone the way she had hoped, the older woman standoffish from the get-go and things had only worsened between them throughout the years. She is pretty sure Olivia only just barely tolerates her presence there, as she is a good enough detective to solve most cases and impress the older woman with her skills, but Amanda knows that she is on shaky ground with her superior most of the time. She just can't seem to stop screwing things up, no matter how hard she tries.
She knows Olivia has been through a lot in her life, both personally and professionally, and that most likely contributes to her behavior towards Amanda, but it hurts when she sees how differently the other woman treats Fin and Carisi, and how she had acted with Amaro before he had left the unit and moved to California. There was a part of her that had been hoping things would finally change between them after she had finally revealed what had happened with Patton, but as usual, it hadn't gone the way she had wanted it to.
Amanda sits at her desk with her chin in her hand and realizes that she is staring at her boss as she thinks about her, and is about to avert her gaze when Olivia turns around and their eyes meet again. This time the older woman frowns slightly and Amanda mutters, "Shit," under her breath, quickly turning her computer on and pretending to be busy. Olivia is very adept at reading other people and Amanda doesn't want her boss to see it on her face; the humiliation, the hurt, the shame.
She keeps her head down as she hears Olivia exit her office and start walking toward her.
"Amanda-" the older woman starts to say, but is interrupted by the noisy arrival of Fin and Carisi who are just returning from their lunch break, joking around about something and jostling each other with their elbows.
Amanda looks up and smiles at Fin as he passes her and reaches out to quickly squeeze her shoulder in greeting, and before she can stop herself, she winces as his fingers come into contact with the bite mark. The boys don't seem to notice but when she glances at Olivia, her boss is staring at her questioningly, dark head tilted slightly to the side.
Amanda gives her the same smile she has just given Finn and then turns to Carisi to ask how their lunch break had been. They chat for a moment before Olivia interrupts to tell them about a new case and everything is back to normal, the older woman barely sparing Amanda another glance as she talks.
Amanda sighs softly, that same mixture of relief and disappointment coursing through her as she tries to shake off what has happened over the past hour, listening intently as her boss explains what is going on with the case and instructs them on how to proceed.
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Around the dinner hour, everyone begins packing up their things to go home for the night. It has been a busy afternoon, out and about interviewing the victim of their latest case and possible suspects, and Amanda feels tired and cranky, her body sore, an ache between her legs, and the bite mark throbbing insistently. She had popped a painkiller a few hours earlier but it has done little to ease the various aches and pains throughout her battered body.
She says goodnight to her boss and co-workers and heads into the bathroom before leaving the precinct, wanting to splash some cold water on her face and dig around in her purse for another painkiller. She stands at the row of sinks and stares at herself in the mirror, her reflection looking pale and disheveled, purple rings standing out underneath her eyes and her blonde hair mussed from another day of long, hard work.
Amanda glances quickly towards the bathroom door and then gingerly pulls the collar of her blouse down and away from her skin, the ring of teeth standing out starkly against the milky white of her skin. She stares at it, cursing herself for letting the man do this to her. It will takes ages to heal and she will have to be very careful to keep it covered until it fades away. He is only supposed to hurt her where the injuries won't normally be seen.
Suddenly the door swings open and Amanda whirls around from the mirror to see Olivia standing there with her arms crossed in front of her. They look at each other in silence for a moment and Amanda can see that her boss' lips are pursed and her brow is furrowed, and she quickly lets go of her blouse, hoping the older woman didn't see the mark.
"Uh, hey, Liv," she mutters, turning back to the sink and zipping up her purse. "I'll see you in the morning." She tries to skirt around her, but Olivia is blocking the door.
"Amanda," Olivia says softly. "What happened to your neck?"
Amanda's hand flies up to the bite mark to press protectively against it before realizing what she is doing, and hastily lowers her arm back down. "It's nothing," she murmurs, suddenly desperate to get out there and wishing the older woman would move out of her way. She resists the urge to shove past Olivia and flee, and instead just stands there staring at the floor, her long blonde hair hanging down in front of her face.
She is shocked when she feels a gentle hand brush her hair away from her eyes, and she looks up at Olivia to see her boss regarding her with concern and what looks to be compassion. Now Amanda is the one with the furrowed brow, confused by the other woman's actions, and she steps back from her, pushing her hand away.
"It doesn't look like nothing," Olivia says quietly. "It looks like a bite mark to me."
Amanda shrugs and looks back down at the floor, feeling a hot red blush creeping up her neck and into her face. Her cheeks feel like they're on fire and she is suddenly so uncomfortable, both physically and emotionally, that she feels tears welling up in her eyes. She blinks rapidly, willing them not to spill over.
"Amanda, please talk to me. What's going on?" Olivia is using the same soft, gentle voice she uses with the victims they deal with, and although Amanda had previously wanted this kind of interaction with her boss, she now wants nothing more than to run from the room and be safe at home with her dog; no one else there to judge her and question her.
"I said it's nothing," she replies, her tone a little more forceful this time. "It's not a big deal, Liv. Don't worry about it."
It is silent in the bathroom again, and Amanda can feel Olivia's intense gaze fixed intently on her. She holds her breath, staring so hard at the floor that the pattern of the tiles begin to blur in front of her eyes.
"Okay," Olivia finally says, and Amanda breaths out in relief. "I won't pressure you to talk to me, but I'm here if you ever need to have a conversation."
"Thanks," Amanda mutters. "I'm fine, though. I'll see you in the morning." She says this last sentence more firmly and this time when she tries to get to the door, Olivia moves out of her way without another word.
She glances back at her boss as she leaves the room, noticing that Olivia's eyes are still on her, and Amanda hurries away, walking as fast as she can down the hallway and into the elevator.
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*Song lyrics are by The Gaslight Anthem's "Get Hurt"