"Tell me you didn't choose me because…because of us?" Kaidan said, his tone pleading.
Shepard shot him a warning look that told him to shut up. The crew shuffled into the com room and sat in their usual seats, eyes on the floor, silent. Shepard guessed they wanted to avoid looking at Ashley's empty chair. The absence of the usual chatter was deafening. Shepard pulled up the vidcom and dialed up Anderson. She gave him the rundown, leaving no detail out. Shepard knew she would have to face an inquiry about this. That's how it always was when you lost someone under your command.
"Sounds like you did everything you could," Anderson said, calm as always. "You stopped him for now."
Shepard nodded, but the lump growing in her throat prevented her from speaking. She could hear someone, Liara or Tali, crying behind her.
"Send me your report," Anderson said, "but get some rest first." His holograph image faded away.
Shepard took a deep breath before turning around to face her crew. "I need your mission reports by 2200 hours tonight," she said in a hoarse whisper. "Dismissed." Kaidan remained seated as the squad dispersed, all looking eager to get out of their sweaty armor. Soon, Shepard and Kaidan were the only ones left in the big, round room.
"Have something you'd like to discuss, Lieutenant?" Shepard asked. Usually she would have been happy for his company, but she knew what he wanted to talk about. Kaidan had been close with Ashley, and it was difficult to lose a squad mate, but right then she just did not want to face reality. She just wanted to be alone, to take a scalding shower and then sleep for a year.
"Tell me that Williams is not dead because of me," Kaidan said.
"Of course not," she said, "why would you think that?"
Kaidan jumped out of his seat, knocking his chair over in the process, "How could I not think that? She was the obvious choice, Shepard. Why did you choose me?"
"I don't have to justify my decisions to you!" Shepard paced across the room and looked out the window, at the silent stars passing by the window. Ash will never see those stars again, she thought. The lump in her throat grew bigger, and she leaned her forehead against the glass. "You're dismissed, Lieutenant," she said. She couldn't bring herself to use his first name.
"It was because of us, then?"
Bile rose in Shepard's throat as she rounded on him, grabbed him by the front of his armor, and pulled him down so his face was level with hers. "You have some fucking nerve," she spat, "I could kick you off my ship for insubordination, you know that?"
"Just tell me," Kaidan pleaded. His was white as snow, and his voice was thick with emotion. "Just tell me why you chose me, please. Ash was a great soldier, talented, young. It should have been me, Shepard. She was only twenty-five." His voice broke on the last word as a tear rolled down his cheek and splashed onto her hand.
"And you're only thirty-two," Shepard yelled. "You are the superior officer, a talented biotic, and you had to arm the bomb." She yanked him closer so their noses almost touched, "this was my decision, Ash's death is on me, not you. You got that?"
Shepard didn't know how it happened. The next second, Kaidan had closed the distance between them and pressed his lips onto hers. For a few seconds, Shepard was too shocked to react. A thousand thoughts ran through her mind, but she pushed them all away, wrapped her arms around Kaidan's neck and returned the kiss. Shepard felt Kaidan's tongue searching for hers, and she parted her lips to allow him access. Heat began to grow in her stomach, spreading into her chest and creeping down between her legs. Shepard knew she had feelings for Kaidan, she had admitted that a long time ago. She hadn't been aware of how much she wanted him, needed him.
Kaidan's fingers were fumbling with the latch on her armor, trying to pry it open. Without breaking the tight seal their lips had made, she helped him with it. Her breastplate clanged to the floor, and cold air rolled over her, which caused her sweaty skin to erupt into goose bumps. Kaidan's hands were on her breasts, cupping them and squeezing them through her tank top. Shepard moaned into his mouth, and dug her fingernails into his shoulders. Now he was ripping off the armor that covered her legs, leaving her only in the spandex shorts she wore underneath. Shepard did her part in removing Kaidan's shirt and pants. They kissed, bodies pressed together, panting and moaning each other's names.
Kaidan grabbed her around the waist and lifted her, causing Shepard to wrap her legs around his waist for balance. He backed her up against the wall and began kissing her earlobe. Shepard's caught in her throat, but Kaidan didn't even pause what he was doing, and began to kiss and lick the thin skin of her collarbone. Kaidan's hand slid down her body and disappeared into the front of her shorts. Shepard arched her back in appreciation, and an involuntary moan escaped her throat. "Kaidan," she whispered. She was on fire for him; her whole body ached with unsatisfied desire. She wanted to tell him everything; how guilty she felt about Ashley, how afraid she was of failing. She wanted to tell him how she felt about him, and that she picked him because she couldn't imagine her life without him. But she didn't say any of that. Instead, she squeezed her legs tighter around him so could feel how hard he was against her. Kaidan's mouth traveled lower, over her breasts, where her nipples protruded like tiny missiles. He nibbled one through the fabric.
"Kaidan," Shepard moaned.
"Mmm," Kaidan responded, not removing his mouth from her nipples. His hand was still down her shorts, his fingers sliding in and out of her opening. Shepard dug her nails into his shoulders, her moans becoming louder and louder. Kaidan moved up to kiss her neck again. Shepard couldn't take it anymore. She pushed Kaidan away, made him take his hand out of her shorts. Using his hips for leverage, she reached one hand down the front of his boxers and gripped the shaft of his cock.
It was Kaidan's turn to moan now, and the vibrations tickled Shepard's neck so much she almost laughed. She moved her fist up and down his length, stroking him to full hardness, and he lifted his head again to kiss her on the mouth. Their breathing was heavy, and Shepard was sure the air was heavy with the smell of sweat. Finally, Kaidan backed away slightly and forced Shepard's shorts lower. She kicked herself free of them and Kaidan slammed her against the wall again, almost too hard.
Shepard felt Kaidan poised to enter her, and opened her eyes to look at him. His deep brown eyes were full of lust and sorrow. Kaidan slid into her, soft and slow, at the same time a molten tear slid down Shepard's face. "I hate you," she whispered, and at that moment it was true. She hated his eyes, she hated the five o'clock shadow that was stinging her face when they kissed; she hated his laugh, his voice, his scent. Mostly though, she hated him for making her feel this way, so out of control of her own emotions. Shepard buried her face into his neck as he began to thrust into her. It felt just as good and just as perfect as she always thought it would. She hated him for that, too.
Kaidan groaned against her, his pace slow, yet somehow rough and desperate. Shepard moved her hips in time with his, forcing him in deeper. Their bodies slapped together, and she hoped to god nobody was hovering outside the door. Shepard bit the heel of her hand to stifle her cries, capturing Kaidan's head in the crook of her elbow and forcing him to moan into her neck. Shepard could feel her climax approaching as the heat in her stomach spread like wildfire. "I hate you," she mumbled, as more tears rolled down her face. Kaidan responded by nipping at her neck and thrusting into her harder than before.
Stars burst in front of her eyes as all her muscles tensed and released as an orgasm flooded her body. "I hate you," she repeated, because that was the only thing she could say. Kaidan's pace was becoming faster, more insistent,. She clenched her muscles around his cock, bringing him to the edge as well. Two more hard, deep thrusts and he came with a loud moan into her neck. Kaidan collapsed onto her, pinning her against the wall by his weight. Shepard could feel his breath ragged against her skin, and she bit into her hand hard to stifle the sobs that she could no longer control.
After a while Kaidan straightened up and lowered her to the floor. Shepard turned away from him and wiped her cheeks, embarrassed by her lack of control. "Shepard…" Kaidan started, as if anything he could say could fix what she had done.
Shepard began to pick up her discarded articles of clothing. "Don't, Kaidan," she said.
"It's not your fault," Kaidan said.
"Yes it is," Shepard said, as she pulled her pants back on. "And don't you ever think it isn't. This is my burden, not yours."
Kaidan seized her elbow, trying to turn her around to face him. Shepard refused to let him. 'This is not okay,' she thought, 'we can't have just fucked in the com room.'
"I love you," Kaidan whispered.
Shepard pulled her arm from him and scooped up her armor. "Well, don't," she said, and left the room.