Kakuzu wishes his partner wasn't such a foul-mouthed, bloodthirsty religious freak. It turns out there really is truth to the phrase "be careful what you wish for," but now it's too late to take it back.

I personally don't like swearing, so I'm censoring Hidan's more colorful words. Sorry if you find it unnecessary, distracting, or annoying.

Chapter 1: It's Really Not So Bad

Kakuzu grasped the back of the corpse's shirt collar and lifted it over his shoulder, letting the blood-soaked man dangle at his back. He looked over at the symbol drawn with blood on the rocky ground. The man lying in the center wasn't moving, and even more blood trickled from his mouth.

"Are you done yet?" asked Kakuzu.

"I'll be done when I'm f***ing done!" said Hidan.

"Time is money," said Kakuzu. "I'm not waiting for you to finish your pointless ritual."

He walked away. Hidan lifted his head, glaring at his partner. "Pointless? Hey! Where do you think you're going, you impatient a**hole?"

"The bounty station," said Kakuzu.

"You and your f***ing obsession with money…" muttered Hidan. He grabbed the spear protruding from his chest and tugged it out. After standing up, retracting his spear, and picking up his scythe, he hurried after Kakuzu. "If I have to wait around while you collect your dirty money, you can wait for me to finish my rituals! Praying is more important than bits of paper anyway!"

"Money has value," said Kakuzu, keeping his gaze ahead. "It's reliable. Your prayers do nothing but waste time, so do us both a favor and skip them from now on."

Hidan bared his bloodstained teeth. "Blasphemy!"

"It's not as though your so-called god will kill you for not praying. Although that would be a nice bonus…"

"Jashin-sama will not forgive you, you f***ing heathen!"

"I don't need his forgiveness," said Kakuzu. "If anything, he should thank me for stopping your prattle. Your prayers add up, and if he has to listen to you for hours a day…well, I'd empathize, were he real."

"I'll f***ing kill you, f***ing motherf***er!" shouted Hidan.

"Shut up, Hidan," said Kakuzu.

Hidan yelled and swung his scythe, but Kakuzu caught hold of the handle before the blades could reach him. The spear in Hidan's other hand extended, but gray threads shot from Kakuzu's arm and wrapped around the spear and Hidan's wrist, holding him back.

"Get your f***ing tentacles off me!"

"Calm down," said Kakuzu.

"Calm down? Don't f***ing tell me to calm down, f***ing a**hole!"

Kakuzu wrestled the spear and the scythe from Hidan, all the while holding the corpse at his back. He raised the scythe and struck Hidan across the head with the handle.

"Ow! Give those back, you—" Hidan ducked another swing of his scythe.

"Shut up or I'll cut out your tongue and force you to eat it," said Kakuzu.

Hidan opened his mouth, thought better of it, and closed his mouth. Eyes narrowed, Kakuzu threw the scythe and the spear to the ground. His threads withdrew into his arm. Hidan wiped the blood off his chin with the back of his hand, glaring at Kakuzu as he walked on. After making several rude hand gestures behind Kakuzu's back, Hidan retrieved his weapons.

They walked through the desolate field in silence. Hidan glanced at Kakuzu and the sizable gap between them. "…Praying isn't a waste of time, and I won't stop."

Kakuzu's eye twitched. "Are you still upset about that?"

"F*** yeah I am!" said Hidan, drawing closer. "You don't understand a damn thing about praying!"

Kakuzu stopped and threw out his hand, catching hold of Hidan's rosary and pulling him over. "You honestly believe your god is listening to your prayers? Fine!" He lifted the rosary to his face and closed his eyes. "Jashin, turn Hidan into a polite, intelligent atheist, and I'll believe in your existence."

"How dare you!" Hidan wrenched his rosary out of Kakuzu's grasp and stepped back. "You dare mock Jashin-sama?"

"It seems there's no Jashin to mock," said Kakuzu. "Let's not waste any more time, Hidan."

He continued walking, ignoring the crude insults Hidan threw at him. This was going to be another long day.

The next morning, Kakuzu woke to a splitting headache. He gazed up at the ceiling of his room, wondering how early it was, and he ran his fingers through his hair. There was no way he could fall back to sleep like this. Turning his head, he looked over at the bed at the other end of the room. Hidan had managed to kick his blanket to the floor in his sleep. He was sprawled there on the sheets, shirtless and (thank ryō) quiet as he dreamed some no doubt gory dream.

Kakuzu sat up, clutching his head. He got out of bed and dressed, careful not to wake Hidan, for frankly, this was a morning on which a minute of his partner's chatter would drive Kakuzu to chop off Hidan's head and bury it ten feet underground. Just as he finished putting on his mask, he heard Hidan's mattress groan behind him. He glanced over his shoulder and saw Hidan sitting up and rubbing his eyes. Kakuzu headed swiftly to the door.

"Good morning, Kakuzu," said Hidan.

Kakuzu paused with his hand on the doorknob. He must have misheard.

"Why am I wearing this?" asked Hidan. Kakuzu looked back; Hidan pulled off his rosary and dropped it on the nightstand. He stretched and glanced over, seeing his partner staring at him. "Is something the matter?"

Kakuzu was silent for a long moment. "No."

"Still tired, are you? Not to worry, my friend. I understand." Hidan smiled.

Kakuzu slowly looked back at the door and turned the knob.

"Excuse me, do you have a spare shirt I could borrow?" asked Hidan.

Kakuzu paused again. "…Since when did you wear shirts?"

"It has been a while," said Hidan. "It's rather silly not to wear one, though. Would you please lend me one?"

His eyes were wide as he released the doorknob. Kakuzu walked to his closet and pulled out a gray shirt, not really looking at it as he approached Hidan and held it out.

"Thank you," said Hidan. He took the shirt and slipped it on before sliding his feet to the floor and standing up. "It's a little big on me, but it works fine. I appreciate the favor."

He bowed his head. Then he smiled at Kakuzu, whose hand twitched. He seized Hidan by the neck and squeezed. The smile vanished from his face, and he grabbed Kakuzu's hand with both of his own, trying to pry it off.

"K…Kakuzu!" he choked.

"What's wrong with you?" asked Kakuzu. When it became apparent that Hidan couldn't speak, he loosened his grip. Hidan gasped for air.

"W-what do you mean?"

"Is this some sort of joke?" asked Kakuzu, but he realized there was no way Hidan would go to such lengths for a joke, and there was no way he could be such a good actor.

"Joke? I'm afraid I don't understand!" he said.

Kakuzu threw him to the floor and strode to the door. He opened it, stepped out, and slammed the door behind him. Thoughts of the previous day flooded back to him as he walked down the hall. Was this not what he had "prayed" for? The politeness was there, he seemed to be rejecting his religion, and although his intelligence was still open to debate, his manner of speech was…weird. Everything about him was weird.

A door opened ahead of Kakuzu and out poked a tired face half concealed behind long, blond hair. "What's with the racket, hmm? I appreciate the effort to start the day off with a bang, but it's too early! …Kakuzu?"

He walked past Deidara without a glance or a word and headed to the kitchen. Upon entering, he almost walked into Tobi.

"Good morning!" said Tobi.

Kakuzu did not reply. Instead, he got himself a cup of the black coffee Tobi had made. Tobi tilted his head slightly.

"What's the matter?" he asked. "Isn't it a good morning?"

"Shut up, manservant," said Kakuzu.

"Tobi is a helper, not a servant," said Tobi. "Someday I'll be a real member of Akatsuki! Just you wait, Kakuzu-san!"

He continued preparing breakfast for everyone, and Kakuzu went into the dining room, sitting at the table. His fingers almost crushed his cup as he stared at the wall. He could not get the disturbing image of Hidan's kind smile out of his mind. Pulling down his mask, he took a sip of his coffee.

Either his headache was preventing him from thinking too hard, or he was succeeding in clearing his mind so as not to aggravate his headache. Maybe this coffee was all he needed to distract himself. Whatever the case, he was not dwelling on Hidan's strange behavior. He had to stay calm.

A few minutes later, Kisame came in and joined Kakuzu at the table. "You look like crap."

"You smell like rotten fish," said Kakuzu. He sipped more coffee.

"Got up on the wrong side of the bed, I see," said Kisame. He looked over at the kitchen. "Hey, Tobi! You almost done?"

"Almost!" Tobi's cheerful voice called back.

Kisame rested his arm on the table and glanced at Kakuzu. "Where's your cloak?"

"In my room," said Kakuzu.

"You normally wear it in the mornings, though," said Kisame.

"Not this morning."

"What's up?"

Kakuzu took another drink from his cup as he watched the wall. Frowning, Kisame leaned back in his chair.

"Fine," he said. "Don't talk to me. I'm used to it."

Someone else came in, and Kisame looked to see his partner gliding over. Itachi sat beside Kisame and stared at the wall. Kisame looked from him to Kakuzu and back again, frowning.

"Is this some sort of joke?" he asked.

"Joke?" Itachi glanced at him. Kakuzu squeezed his cup tighter.

"Kakuzu's acting odd," said Kisame. Itachi's eyes scanned Kakuzu.

Tobi bounced in carrying a tray covered with chopsticks, cups, bowls and small plates. "Good morning, Itachi-san! Kisame-san! How are you?"

"Hungry," said Kisame.

Tobi hummed a cheery tune as he set down the cups of green tea, plates of fish, bowls of rice and miso soup, and chopsticks with their stands on the table in front of each Akatsuki member (Kakuzu didn't get a cup of tea, for he already had coffee). Itachi and Kisame clasped their hands and bowed their heads.

"Itadakimasu," they said together. Then they lifted their chopsticks and began to eat. Again, Kakuzu sipped his coffee.

"Aren't you hungry, Kakuzu-san?" asked Tobi.

"No," said Kakuzu.

"You should eat before your food gets cold!"

"I'm not hungry."

Tobi scratched his head as if he did not understand. "Well, it's there if you change your mind!" He went back into the kitchen.

Kakuzu closed his eyes. He did not open them again until he heard more footsteps approach the table. He, Itachi and Kisame paused as Hidan, wearing his cloak fastened all the way up, sat down at the end of the table by Itachi and crossed one leg over the other.

"Good morning," said Hidan. "That looks delicious."

"…Huh?" said Kisame.

"The food," said Hidan with a smile.

"Right," said Kisame. He glanced at Kakuzu to discover him staring at the wall again.

"How are you feeling?" Itachi asked Hidan, watching him closely.

"I'm excellent, thank you," said Hidan. "And you, Itachi-san?"

Itachi fell silent. Kisame looked utterly confused.

"What's going on?" he asked, but nobody answered. Tobi poked his head in.

"Hidan-san! Good morning!"

"Good morning," said Hidan.

Kakuzu's eye twitched. One more "good morning" out of anyone's mouth and he might just go berserk.

Tobi brought the tray over and set food and coffee in front of Hidan. "Here you go!"

"Thank you, Tobi-san," said Hidan.

Tobi seemed stunned. "You're welcome!"

"If it's not too much trouble, may I have some tea instead?" asked Hidan.

"Oh? Of course!" Tobi put the cup of coffee back on the tray and scurried into the kitchen, returning shortly with another cup, this one filled with green tea. He placed the cup in front of Hidan, who thanked him again.

Hidan put his hands together and bowed his head deeply. "Itadakimasu." He started eating, taking small, slow bites and savoring the flavor. Kisame and Itachi watched him. When he sipped his tea, his little finger stuck out daintily.

Deidara arrived, yawning and stretching as he approached Tobi. Without a greeting, he snatched the cup of coffee off the tray, sitting across from Kakuzu. "So," he said, "why'd you slam your door earlier?"

Kakuzu only stared at him. He was blocking the view of the wall now, and it was a lot more difficult to ignore someone when they were sitting in front of you and asking stupid questions. Deidara raised an eyebrow.

"Jeez…" he muttered. "Ignoring me, hmm? I don't know what I did, but whatever." He took a drink of his coffee and immediately spat it out, spraying Kakuzu in the face. "Ugh! Tobi, you idiot! You call this coffee? What the hell did you put in it?"

"Cream and sugar!" said Tobi, taking a few steps back. "Maybe I added a little too much… Whoops!"

Hidan, Itachi and Kisame looked at Kakuzu. He was sitting perfectly still, staring at Deidara, and his face, mask and shirt were dripping with coffee. Hot coffee. Deidara did not notice, too busy spitting into his cup and brushing the grains of sugar off his tongue.

"Let me help clean that off, Kakuzu," said Hidan. He set his chopsticks on their stand and rose from his chair.

Kakuzu's cup shattered in his hand, spilling coffee over the table. They all froze and stared at him. His hand, now curled into a fist, was quivering. His shoulders heaved, and his breathing was heavy. His eyes were fixed on Deidara.

"Er…sorry," said Deidara.

Kakuzu grasped the edge of the table and flung it over. Itachi had grabbed his cup and one of his bowls, and Hidan caught Itachi's other dishes before they fell, but everything else flew through the air, scattering chopsticks, bowls, plates, cups, soup, rice, fish, and tea all over the floor. Deidara and Tobi dropped the cup and tray and leapt aside, only just dodging as half the chairs toppled and broke and the table smashed upside down onto the whole mess.

Kisame jumped up. "My food!"

Deidara and Hidan gaped at Kakuzu; he stood there twitching. Tobi scrambled to his feet. Still seated in his chair, Itachi lifted his cup and took a sip of tea.

"…Kakuzu?" said Hidan.

Kakuzu turned his face toward him, and Hidan stepped back. There was murder in Kakuzu's eyes. Tobi stepped forward and held out his hands.

"Now, now, let's not do anything rash," he said.

"What the hell is wrong with you, Hidan?" asked Kakuzu.

"Hidan? What's wrong with you?" asked Deidara. Kakuzu shot him a look that shut him up.

"What's going on?" came a voice from the dining room entrance. They looked to see Sasori walking in, but nobody seemed to quite know the answer to his question. Sasori stopped behind Kakuzu and Kisame and asked, "Who did this?"

Deidara pointed at Kakuzu.

"What did I do to upset you?" Hidan asked his partner.

"You're the only one who can't see it!" said Kakuzu.

"He's right," said Kisame. "You're acting all…polite. You even caught Itachi-san's food!"

"I'm sorry," said Hidan. "I would have caught your food too, but I only have two hands."

"That's not the point!" said Kisame.

"Don't worry!" said Tobi. "Tobi will make more food for everyone!"

"Kakuzu… Hidan…" said Sasori. "The Leader would like to speak with you in his office."

Kakuzu closed his eyes, trying to calm himself. It only made his headache worse. He turned and strode past Sasori, leaving before he could try to tear off everyone's heads.

"Hold on, Kakuzu!" said Hidan. Tobi sprang over and relieved him of Itachi's dishes.

"Go ahead," said Tobi. "You don't want to keep the Leader waiting!"

"Thank you," said Hidan. He bowed his head to Tobi before hurrying after Kakuzu. When he caught up, he asked his partner, "What do you suppose he wants to speak with us about?"

"If you think this proves anything, you're wrong," said Kakuzu, keeping his gaze firmly ahead. Hidan looked mildly confused.

"I beg your pardon?"

"I don't care how polite you act. It doesn't prove Jashin exists!"

"What?" Hidan smiled, then laughed. "I'm sorry! You must be mistaken. I don't believe in Jashin, or any god for that matter. And if I did, I would never force my beliefs on you."

Kakuzu fell silent and slowed down. Of course this proved nothing. It was just a disturbing coincidence. Hidan's behavior may be unnatural, but was it really so bad? This was what he had wanted. He could get used to it. No more shouting, no more perverse praying, and he may even start getting some of the respect he deserved. His headache had blown this all out of proportion. This was a good change!

It was with a much calmer fist that Kakuzu knocked on their leader's office door.

"Enter."

Kakuzu opened the door and stepped into the room. Hidan followed, closing the door behind him and stopping at his partner's side. Their leader was sitting behind his desk, reading from a scroll. He seemed to be deep in thought. They watched him, waiting, until he rolled up the scroll and spoke.

"I have a mission for you," said Pain, and he looked up at them. "There is—"

He paused, staring at the coffee streaks on Kakuzu's face and shirt. Then he glanced at Hidan's attentive posture, fully fastened cloak, and earnest expression.

"It's a long story," said Kakuzu, answering Pain's unasked question. Pain continued to stare.

"…There is a group of thieves causing trouble for Hōseki Village," he said. "Find the thieves' hideout, kill them, and return the items they stole to the village head. Here is a list of the items. Retrieve as many as you can, for the exact reward depends on the items they get back."

Kakuzu approached the desk and accepted the scroll. After he stepped back, he saw Hidan and paused. His partner was bowing low.

"My sincerest apologies, but I must respectfully decline this mission," he said.

Apprehension rose up inside Kakuzu, and he glanced at their leader. Pain stared at Hidan.

"And why is that?" he asked.

"Killing goes against my moral code," said Hidan.

Kakuzu's eyes widened, but Pain's expression remained deadpan. A long silence ensued. Hidan kept his back bent, but he raised his head to look at their leader.

"Is there something you two would like to tell me?" asked Pain.

"No, sir," said Kakuzu. "We will take the mission."

Hidan straightened up and opened his mouth to protest, but the dark look from his partner kept him quiet.

"Very well," said Pain. "If the mission is anything less than a success, I'll kill you both."

Kakuzu bowed his head shortly and left the room, Hidan at his heels. This goody-goody reformed murderer better not screw up the mission, for it was Kakuzu's life on the line as well.

How had he been so stupid as to tell himself this was a good change?