Guys I feel like an utter shit and I need to get myself functioning right again T.T So I wrote this.
Warning: Suicidal thoughts and mentions of self harm might be triggering. Don't read unless you can handle it.
Karma's P.O.V.
I looked at it again.
A razor, so clean and so beautifully sharp. Just half an inch from my hand. Just half an inch from ending it all.
Did I really want this?
Did I deserve this?
Did it matter?
Many questions whirling my mind, no answers to be found. I don't understand. What's wrong with me? What's going on? What is it that drove me to this state? The fact that my one and only family was gone? That Koro-sensei was dead, Nagisa-kun hundrets of miles away, parents who knows where and I... I alone, abandoned?
I decided to stay in this school. I decided to never tell anyone about my feelings.
Worthless. Pretendious. Empty.
Even Koro-sensei didn't know. And he was the first one I considered my parent.
But even then, he didn't know.
And now that it actually got so bad I would actually willingly seek his help,
he's no longer here.
No one is here anymore.
I'm alone.
I wanted to stop thinking like this. Everyone got over it. The class was alright, everyone was okay and enjyoing their youth and everything. Only I was drowning in self-hatred, only I acted as though I was alright while slowly dying.
How pathetic.
Despiseful.
Everything felt so empty. I don't think it was only loneliness that was suffocating me now. I have always had that habit of getting depressed, of forgeting the meaning of life and getting lost in the stream of thoughts.
But it never got this bad.
The room was dark. I lived in the dorms for Kunugigaoka since I thought I would stop hurting myself if I were in a place full of people.
Oh how wrong I was. People or not, alone or in company, I still craved it. The thought cold merciless blade on my skin. The thought of depriving myself of food, sleep and sometimes even oxygen. The wonderful ideas of how to end it all. The satisfaction when I bought all the sleeping pills.
I never used them but now? Now was different.
I wanted to try it all. Sleeping pills, hanging myself, drowning, jumping from a building. But I could die only once. So I choose the razor because I wanted to end it in red. Not to mention that for the last time, I would be able to feel. Even if it were pain. I would feel.
Red was a beautiful colour.
Red was what I wanted all over my wrists.
Once again, I glanced at the thing in my hand. It urged me to do it. Just half an inch. Just a small distance.
"I can't do this now, can I?" I muttered, feeling something hot dripping down my cheeks. Tears. Oh how long has it been since I shed tears? "Sensei might be watching."
It was actually what made me stop for a bit. It was what made me reconsider whether I really had no way to overcome this.
But I needed it. Just this once, I wanted to be free.
"Nagisa, Nakamura, everyone... please forget about me." I continued with this meaningless monologue. I don't know what was the purpose - to atone? Apologize? Or to prepare myself?
Maybe I could get better.
Or maybe I could just end it all.
Maybe if I did give up, everything would be better.
There was no meaning to it anyway. My life had no meaning anyway, it never had.
So why try?
At that last question, I smiled. It was so easy.
One cut.
neat
quick
liberating
One last tear.
bitter
regretful
relieved
And everything...
Everything went black.