AuthorsNote: Hey... I wrote this like 2 years ago, and was checking out my computer when I saw this... I laughed at some parts, and cried at others... not really... Well Its pretty funny, starcraft innuendo's, And a major syar Wats spoof... I thought it was decently funny, I have the other 2 parts saved on my comp as well, I'll release them later, Part 2 is the most funny. All three are very porrly written, but I think you'll enjoy them anyway. Most of it is dialogue, but considering some of the stories I've read on this site, most are anyway. I probably have more descriptions than half the stories I've read... anyway, r&r please, I would love to know if you thought this was funny.
Star Bores...
Episode IV An Old Hope
Chapter 1: "OH CRAP"
A long time ago, in a galaxy just to the left of Joe's coffee shop-you know the place... Star Bores: Episode IV-An Old Hope The evil Lord Thrad Redav has just recently built his new ship: The Thead Rats. The master Idej, Only One Bologna, has died from chicken pox and his Idej in training has been sent to Adoy, and old master to pick up training. Meanwhile Cpt. Nah Olos of the Millennium Fart and Queen Leela have been captured by Thrad Redav and his Storm Reavers. Bobo Fat has taken Nah Olos in carbonyte to Jabba-Da-Blob, for money...
"One way there is only, hmm." Said Adoy, pleasantly as Luck SkyScraper ate some old rat that Adoy found on the ground days ago.
"Pardon?" Luck said, chomping on what was once a rat's ass.
"Only one way there is, to save Nah Ollos and Queen Leela hmm?"
"Save them from what?"
"Thrad Redav has them, yes. Plans of pain he has, hmm."
"Stop saying sentences backwards." Adoy grumbled something and wobbled over to what he called a "door" over in the corner. Someone was knocking. Adoy put his hood on and answered reluctantly. "You want what, hmm?" Adoy said, not looking out the door, but reaching into his pocket for something. The answer came sort of squeakishly in a boy-trying-to-sound-like-a-girl voice.
"Can I come in please?" It asked. Luck tried to look out the door but his angle wasn't so great. The chair tumbled, from beneath him, and he fell right on his butt, onto the plantish brown ground.
"Are you who, I may ask, hmm?" Adoy said still not looking, fishing into his pocket.
"Im Thrad Reda-I mean Trixy...Susy...Rosemary...Pumpkin. KOOKAH" She said. Adoy looked absently at the figure in front of him. "Come in, will she, hmm. Next to Luck SkyScraper you shall sit, hmm." Adoy said. "If only my glasses could be found by myself I could get a better look at thee. Find them not, I do, though." Trixy Susy Rosemary Pumpkin stepped into the house quite quickly and ran toward the table where Luck was sitting. Luck stared at her. She was quite muscley. She was wearing a sort of black mask, with make up over the eyes. There was also a very black armor-ish suit under her pink skirt that was almost ripping off her body from being too small. A fake blonde Goldy Lox wig was upon her head...nothing abnormal here Luck thought. Trixy sat down next to Luck and spread her legs out like a man. She drew a beer from her pocket and opened the cap. She put it to her face to drink but the beer just slid down her black mask. She seemed to have thought she drank it however, and took a BIG burp. "So," Trixy Susy Rosemary Pumpkin began. "You're this Luck SkyScraper I've been hearing about.? KOOKAH."
"Yup. Just the one. You know, the one who knows everything there is to know about the Thead Rats, the one who learned to use the force from Only One Bologna. The one whose arch nemesis is Thrad Redav. That one."Luck said absently. He felt that he could really trust this girl. She was so nice, and was obviously not Thrad Redav in a cartoonish disguise. "Good, good... KOOKAH" Trixy Susy Rosemary Pumpkin said quietly.
"Ah, found my glasses I have now." Said Adoy from across the room. He had a bag of clothes open, and was now putting them away as he slipped on his glasses. Luck noticed that for some reason Trixy Susy Rosemary Pumpkin started to get nervous and all sweaty. "There!" Adoy said happily as he finished putting the clothes in the bag. "Now, see you I shall!" Adoy turned happily toward them and looked at Trixy. He nearly burst! His face turned all red and he ran into his room. He came back out holding a cigar in his hand. "Thrad Redav HOW DARE YOU enter my small and smelly house! You will DIE!" He screamed. Adoy lit the cigar and a blue laser flipped from its top.
"Thrad Redav? Where?" Luck asked dumbfounded. "Oh CRAP!" Thrad/Trixy yeeped. Luck was confused, what was going on? (yes he is an idiot.)
"Luck you blind baboon! That's Thrad Redav! Your arch nemesis! He came to destroy you!" "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Luck yelled. "Before I leave in fear of Adoy KOOKAH...Luck, I am your father-"
"WHAT? You're my FATHER?" Luck screamed. This couldn't be!
"No," Thrad Redav began. "You didn't let me finish. I am your father's brother's cousin's mother-in-law's son's brother's father's roomate's friend." "Oh..." Luck said. "So what does that make us?" "Two people in a very small world. KOOKAH" Thrad Redav said, and jumped out the window. Luck watched as his father's brother's cousin's mother-in-law's son's brother's father's roommate's friend ran away to the Thead Rats and blasted off into the sky. What a small world he thought... A small world.
Chapter 2: Nah Olos Escapes-kind of...
"Hehehe," Bobo Fat laughed eerily to no one in particular... considering he was by himself. "Oh, Nah Olos do you have any idea how much money I'm gonna get from dat ol' big boy Jabba-Da-Blob? Oooo, daddy's getting RICH tonight! Booya!" Although frozen in carbonyte Nah could still hear, and rolled his eyes. He could talk too... He was frozen with his mouth open. It was just hard to make "r" sounds or "m's" etc.
"Oo, know, oo aint gonna get 'uch 'oney 'rom dat dey Bobo-Da-Blob. He aint 'ery 'ice. He's a 'eany whe' oo get to know hi'." Nah said, rather unsteady. It was hard to talk in frozen carbonyte.
"Oh, be quiet you. I'm quite happy with 50 cents, thank you very much!" Bobo said flatly.
" 'ity cents? 'At all oo ge'in? Ah, oo sewiouse? Oo go' oo be ki'in' 'e. Go' wha' an i-iot..." And Nah was quite right. Bobo Fat sure was an idiot. Even worse than Luck! And someone that dumb was hard to come by.
Later that day when They finally got to the planet of Blob, Bobo Fat attempted to carry Nah out of the ship. He tried to use both hands first, straining, nearly breaking his back. (Nah of course couldn't help but laugh at this.) Then Bobo tried to lift him using his knees. He broke both his legs and lay there. He sat there quite a while just staring at Nah; two months they just sat there. Staring. Finally, when Bobo's legs healed, he got a fork lift and used it to carry Nah."Instea' o' calli' a doc'or oo 'aited 'or 'ur legs 'o 'eal? 'at whole 'ime , oo 'ere 'ating 'or dem 'o 'eal?" Nah asked, laughing.
"hmm," Bobo mumbled. "Never thought of calling someone to help me out. You're pretty smart Nah. Too bad I gotta give ya' to Jabba-Da-Blob. Sorry."
"'ah, 'e oo." Nah said, sadly. He knew that Jabba Da Blob wasn't going to let him out of this prison... But wait! What was this! The carbonyte wasn't really carbonyte! Just plastic casing! Nah was a collectable! How could he have been so dumb, they would ruin him if he was in carbonyte! Nah slipped his hand through the plastic, and ripped himself free. "Aha! 'ow I ca' star' 'alkin 'ormal...I mean: Now I can start talking normal!" Nah said excitedly. Bobo Fat was staring at him. His mask began to lower down, and it turned all red in anger. Steam began to rise from his ears and make a loud 'BRRRRIIIIINNNNNNNNGGGGGG' noise. His head just got redder, and redder, and redder, until finally, it just- blew up! With an amazing nuclear explosion, with mushroom shaped smoke, and brilliant colors, his body fell to the ground without its head. Olos was free! Nah went over to Bobo's ship, grabbed his belongings, and set off on his journey to find the Millennium Fart, and see ChewCracka again after all these months. Nah smiled to himself as he saw the sun rise in beautiful colors. Then, as he looked to his left he noticed a big fat blob slowly approaching him. Jabba-Da-Blob! Jabba took out a remote controller and clicked a button. Nah suddenly changed channel! He couldn't control what he said! He wasn't on PBS anymore! "Eat my shorts! Aye Carumba! WHY YOU LITTLE! Do'h!" Nah said. He couldn't stop! He had been changed to FOX! What an awful channel! This couldn't be! Jabba-Da-Blob changed his channel again!"Ni-Ni-Ni-Ni-Na, Nick, Nick-Nick, Nickelodean!" NOO! Not Nickelodean! NOOO!...Then Nah blacked out.
Chapter 3: "Oh, Poopy"
ArneySeeQue and SeePreePeeOh, were talking robot talk over in the corner, whilst chewCracka was fixing up the Millennium Fart for take off. ChewCracka was very lonely lately and really wished Nah Olos would come back from his vacation to Bermuda Briangle. ArneySeeQue only beeped, and SeePreePeeOh, was just annoying and a hard name to type, thus the author not wanting to write it down much, making him a minor character.
"Well, I'm rather bored, aren't you ArneySeeQue?" SeePreePeeOh asked the little robot.
"Boo Bop Beepy Beep BOOOO Beep." ArneySeeQue answered.
"RAAAHHHRG, Ooorg, agg." ChewCracka replied. Obviously this chapter will be very hard to write, considering only one speaks english, unless I just now, add another character... Which I will. Suddenly Jim Raynor stepped into the room. He wore official BlizZard employee clothes and whistled the starcraft terran mission tune. "What's up guys?" He asked.
"Beep boop beepy bopp bopp boop." ArneySeeQue answered bored.
"HaaaaRGGG, YarRG, mArginniGGNG SmmooriNGGNGNGN." Replied ChewCracka casually.
"Rather tired, sir." SeePreePeeOh yawned...which is a hard task for a robot with no jaw to do.
"Hmm... well Im gonna go play some starcraft I'll be back later." Raynor said and then yawned too.. This chapter is exciting eh? Suddenly, the ship started to rumble around, and Raynor came running back into the room. "Oh crud!" He yelled, "Wraiths!" Jim Raynor ran over to the gun-control room of the Millennium Fart and began to fire at the Wraiths. ChewCracka took control of the flying. "God damn ChewCracka, you SUCK at flying!" Raynor yelled into the control room. ChewCracka roared something back, but no one could understand it... Suddenly the top of the ship burst into flames. The engine roared a few times, and then automatically shut down. "Damn it!" Raynor yelled.
"Oh, poopy!" SeePreePeeOh sighed. The top of the ship began to melt in front of them. The acid-hot metal fell on top of them, and it burnt pretty bad. "I've got an idea sir!" SeePreePeeOh yelled over all the noise.
"Not now, SeePreePee-What ever. I've got to think of an idea!" Raynor yelled.
"But sir, I have an idea!"SeePreePeeOh said.
"Quiet! I'm thinking!" Raynor yelled, a little mad.
"But sir"
"QUIET!" Raynor thought fast; Aha! "SeePreePeeOh, you're a robot why don't you think if an idea?" Raynor said, rather cleverly. SeePreePeeOh rolled his eyes before speaking.
"Sir, why don't you just use the auto fix-it-up-erizer?"
"BRILLIANT IDEA!" Raynor yelled. He ran over to the auto-fix-it-up-erizer and flipped it to the on switch. "Im a smart man!" Raynor hugged himself.
"Raynor why don't you-I mean- ARRG, YARRGGGHH GHGHGARERERG!" ChewCracka said.
"If only we could understand you!" Raynor sighed. Suddenly a ship pulled up to their left. It wasn't a wraith. It was a copter 2000.
"Oh crud."SeePreePeeOh sighed.
"Pull your vehicle over! NOW!" The cop yelled through his mega phone. "We know that vehicle is stolen! Don't make us vaporize you! Don't be thinkin' we wont!"
"It's not stolen!" Raynor yelled. "It's the Millennium Fart!"
"No it aint!" The cop yelled back. "It's the Millennium Frat"
"Oh no! We must have grabbed the wrong ship by mistake!" SeePreePeeOh said.
"Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, DAMN!" Raynor screamed.
"Well sir,"said SeePreePeeOh, "We did notice that the entire ship looked completely differentŠand that it said: Property of Johanson Rust, and that their were pictures and letters and mail sent to Johanson Rust inside the ship, but we just thought they had messed up Nah's name!"
"Too late now... Sorry copper, but this space isn't meant for two! ArneySeeQue go get the light speed ready!" Raynor said agitatedly.
"Sir...this space is made for two. There was a sign about two asteroids ago that said 'space made for two.'"
"Ahg...okay." Raynor spit out. "Pull over."
Chapter 4: Nah Olos attempts to escape, but fails miserably yet again. He really stinks huh? Wow this chapter name is long! Probably the longest in the entire story! Holy Crap!
"Hurry! Throw him in dat dere chamber!" Jabba Da Blob screamed to his servants. He had dragged Nah by the hair all the way across the planet to his home, just so he could throw him in the chamber, and point and laugh. Which is just what he did. The servants tossed Nah into the chamber and closed the metal gate. Then, Jabba lifted his giant fat filled lumpy arm into the air. He lifted up his 400lbs index finger, and laughed uncontrollably at Nah.
"Shut up!" Nah whined. "Its annoying!" But Jabba-Da-Blob didn't listen. He just kept on laughing, and laughing, and laughing. Even his servants joined in. Nah started to cry. (He was always bullied as a child and the laughing brought back memories.) Suddenly, Jabba-Da-Blob made a HUGE laugh and blood spurted from his mouth. Jabba-Da-Blob fell to the ground dead. His servants tried to roll him over. He was lying on his face. Whilst trying to roll him over, Jabba-Da-Blob tipped over and rolled on top of all of his servants, save for one. All the other servants were immediately crushed. The one living servant was still laughing. That was the servant who had the keys. Suddenly, out of the blue, a laser shot came. The still laughing servant's head flew off its body and whammed the solid concrete ground. The rest of its body, just fell, slumped over, onto a chair behind it. The body, shrugged its shoulders and poured itself some tea. It poured the tea down its windpipe by mistake, and drowned. "Queen Leela?" Nah shouted toward the shape of the shooter excitedly. She must have gotten here to save him.
"Queen Leela? Who in the blue hell is that KOOKAH?" Came the voice. From the shadows stepped out...Thrad Redav!
"Oh no!"
"I have you now. KOOKAH." Thrad ran toward Nah and flipped out a cigar. He lit it, and out popped a red laser. Nah Olos reached for the keys to his cell. If only he could reach them! He was so close. Aha! Nah, slipped through the bars of his cage, ran toward the guard, and grabbed the keys. He ran back into the cage, and unlocked himself! He thought himself very clever. Nah Olos grabbed his .433 ray gun w/ scope, and took careful aim at Thrad Redav's head. He pulled the trigger. BAZZOOOPP! Came the noise from the laser. The red light ran toward Thrad Redav's head. Thrad let it come to him. Then as the light almost hit him, he took a deep breath. "KOOKAH!" and the red light disintegrated in thin air.
"Holy crap!" Nah exclaimed. "this is gonna be a tough one!" Thrad Redav swung his cigar in the air, and then swung it back down. Nah just barely got out of the way in time. The laser did, however, slice off his right arm. "You know," Nah said calmly. "I did rather enjoy having a right arm; but oh well. I'll just grow it back." As he said this, a new arm began growing where his old one once was.
"The force is weak with you, young Nah Olos. Very weak... I mean my god, its pathetic! KOOKAH." Thrad said laughing. Finally, Nah's new arm came back in, and he shot his .433 ray gun w/ scope, four times toward Thrad's head. Once again, he disintegrated them all with a mighty "KOOKAH". "Once again... I HAVE YOU KNOW. KOOKAH." He said hastily, and bopped Nah on the head, with his almighty fist. Nah flopped on the ground unconscious. "Hahahahahahaha..." He laughed. Then he took a quick glance to the bottom of the page and sighed. "Man, at least four more chapters. Jeesh."
Chapter: 5 I'm Going To Try And Beat The Record of the Last Chapter's Name. Want To Help? No? Too Bad! I'm Gunna try! ...So, How was your day? ...That's good...Almost... So close! And... HERE WE GO! BOOYA! WE RULE...Well I do atleast...
"Training is almost complete I think, hmm." Adoy said happily, putting on his glasses. After all these months, Luck was finally an Idej... either that or Adoy was sick of him living inside his house.
"You mean it? I'm almost an Idej?" Luck asked. "Well, yeah, I just said it stupid." Adoy laughed. Adoy went over to his bathroom and switched the sign from 'Vacant' to 'Im constipated, It'll be awhile'. "Wow..." Luck hugged himself. "I'm one amazing fellow." Suddenly the door knocked.
"Luck, let them in shall you, hmm?" Adoy yelled from the bathroom. "Because obviousely I...ARG...ERM...can't. I'll be a...AHHHHH... while..."
"Okay master Adoy." Luck kissed himself in the shoulder. "Boy im great!" Luck walked toward the door, and let the person at the door inside. The man standing before him was... Only One Bologna? But he's dead! "What the hell?" Luck said, confused.
"Yes Luck, It is I, Only One Bologna! I've come back from the dead... for..." Only One Balogna licked his lips. "For...those scrumptiouse... tasty... irresitable... BRAINS!" Oh no! He was a zombie! What was Luck to do? Luck ran down the hall and knocked on the bathroom door rapidly.
"Master ADOY! OOHH Master! Theres something you ought to SEE!" Luck yelled. He was afraid.
"Is it Only One Bologna coming back from the dead wanting your brain because he's a ...ERG... zombie?" Adoy asked, from the bathroom.
"Yep"
"I was afraid of this... well just con-AHG-sider this as your final-YAAAREEREREREGGHHFGRAHGGHGHGHGAA-test."
"But how do I-"
"Just grab my cigar. Its hidden in my underwear drawer... no one would ever even want to look there hmm?" Luck ran down the hall into Master Adoy's bedroom. He could hear Bologna yelping for brains, not far behind him. Luck opened Adoy's underwear drawer...
"It's not in here!" Luck yelled to Adoy.
"Of course, not in that one. My dirty underwear drawer!" Adoy screamed from the bathroom. Luck SkyScraper began to dig through Master Adoys nasty, dirty, sweaty, gross, poop smeared, dirty underwear. Where was it? It just couldn't be found! But wait; aha! It was right the-oh my gracious lord of all the heavens! It was INSIDE the dirty-est smelly-est grossy-est poop smeardy-est sweaty-est dirty underwear he had! Luck couldn't touch that! "Master Adoy, this is disgu-"
"I know! Just grab it if ye' want to live!"
Only One Bologna came inside the room, with both arms outstretched toward him. He was walking without bending his knees. Just like a zombie. "Brains... Brains... BRAINS... KNEES... Brains..." Only One Bologna was yeeping now. Slowly he made his way toward Luck. Luck looked at Bologna.
"hmm," Luck said aloud. "Death?" He asked, looking at Only One Bologna "Or poop?" He asked, looking at the dirty underwear. "Death... poop... death... poop... death... poop... death... poop."Luck couldn't decide! "Well... I guess... Death! ...nono, that wont do. Hmm... Poop!...nono, that's gross. Well, here I come dad! ...nono, that wont do...ok hand, get ready for some poop! ...nono that's gross..."
"Luck, just grab it already!" Adoy screamed from the bathroom. "You stupid moron!"
"Fine!" Luck said. But wait, he had the force right? He could just make it come up with the force! So brilliant! Luck did so, and lit the cigar. The red laser burst from the cigar, and Luck slashed it through Only One Bologna's head. "Few! I did it!" Luck yelled happily.
"Good...AHHGHGHHGHGHGH... now you are truly ready to save Nah Olos and the rest...ERGGRGRGR... of the gang." Adoy said, from the toilet.
"Who the hell is Nah olos?"
Chapter:6- "Please bail me outta here babe! PLEASE!"
"Okay, look," Said the cop. SeePreePeeOh, ArneySeeQue, ChewCracka and Jim Raynor were all in the jail cell. "Youse guys get one phone call."
"Each or just one?" Jim asked.
"Hahahaha you think we're nice enough to give you each one?" The cop said very loudly so the other cops could hear him. All the cops began laughing. One cop even wiped a laughter-tear from his eye. "Oh, that is RICH!" one cop yelled over all the laughing.
"Okay... anyway which one of youse guys is gonna make th' call?" Asked the leader cop, after the laughter died down.
"I am." Said Raynor.
"I am" Said seePreePeeOh.
"YARG I am ERGHG YARG" Said ChewCracka
"Beep-boop beepidy bopp bopp boop" Said ArneySeeQue.
The cop stared at them and itched his head. "Youse guys gotta make up youse minds." After a few hours of fighting over who would make the call, Jim Raynor picked up the phone. The other three were still yelling at each other about who would make the call. Raynor smirked, as he picked up the phone un-noticed. He called Queen Leela's cell phone. It rang twice before she hastily answered. "What the hell do ye' want ya rat bastard?" Queen Leela asked, as if lifting something heavy. She was breathing hard, and a mans voice was heard grunting in the background of her voice.
"Hey Queen Leela... what are you doing?" Raynor said, suspecting something quite disturbing.
"Im in a gym lifting weights... why?" She answered. "Oh, and sorry for calling you a rat bastard, I thought you were the cop who keeps calling me for a date, ever since I told him he didn't look half bad. That day after I was buried alive from the vicious murderer and he saved me by hearing my voice and dug me up, after searching for a few hours, while still eating a donut and drinking coffee from just being at Drunken donuts a few hours earlier with his friends after having a pool party at 5:00 pm on Saturday."
"Ok... anyway we need you to bail me and the crew outta jail. We got pulled over for stealing a vehicle. I swear it was an accident!"
"Ok, ok. You know the same thing happened to me once. But it wasn't an accident. It happened on purpose. Me and my friends were out stealing cars when we got pulled over by a cop. He yelled at us for a while before I seduced him into letting us go by. It was weird. Did I ever tell you about the time I-"
"Leela, please shut up!" Raynor said annoyed.
"Fine, I wont bail you out then. Hmph!"
"No please! Bail me outta here babe! PLEASE!"
"Jeez fine. You know the same thing happened to me once. We were out stealing cars when-"
"Queen, in all respects, you already told me that story."
"You say it like I don't already know that." She replied nastily. "Ok, look, I'll be there in an hour, just don't piss your pants, big boy."
END of book1 Look for the next book of the series: The Idiot Strikes Back! In stores never!