PIKMIN: TALES OF THE EXTREME
My first comedy. It's a break from my other story, PIKMIN: THE SOUTH. I'll return to that in a few days.
Anyway, I don't own Pikmin or anything like that. So don't sue me.
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There was once an orange Pikmin named Smee. He had two stalks, one growing out of each shoulder, and was obsessed with anything that had to do with Olimar.
One day, while Smee was sitting on a rock near a pond, he saw a fish. However, it was a very large fish, unlike the fish he usually saw. So Smee waded out into the water to see what type of fish it was. Much to Smee's surprise, it was the S.S. Dolphin!
"OMG!" cried Smee, waving his arms around and splashing water everywhere.
Smee quickly scrambled to the shore and dashed off to find his friends. When he brought everyone back, however, there was no more S.S. Dolphin. One of Smee's friends, being a blue Pikmin, dived beneath the surface to see what was going on. The water was very clear, and the blue Pikmin did not see the S.S. Dolphin anywhere.
Afterwards, everybody knew Smee as "The Dolphin Guy."
Two years later, Smee was throwing rocks out into the pond. Suddenly, he spotted a fish. It was... the S.S. Dolphin! Smee quickly went to get his friends, and managed to get most of them to follow him.
Of course, the S.S. Dolphin was nowhere to be found.
Afterwards, everybody knew Smee as "Mr. Eyes-Go-Twitch-Twitch."
And nobody ever spoke to him again.
Finally, thirteen years later, Smee, who was now very old, returned to the pond. And, wouldn't you know, there was the S.S. Dolphin! Eager to touch it, Smee waded out into the water. Soon, he was standing just out of arm's reach of the fabled ship. He took a step forward, arm outstretched... and fell off an embankment. The only people ever to see Smee again were the fish.
And, of course, the fishies ate him.
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Mongol was a yellow Pikmin. It was said that he was a genius. He went around talking about "Atoms" and "Quarks," and "Einsteins Theory of Relativity." Since nobody knew what the heck these things were, Mongol was said to be more crazy than smart. It didn't help that one of his eyes was bigger than the other.
This all changed, however, when aliens came down from outer space with bullets and guns and attack-copters and tanks. They rounded up the Pikmin and made them slaves.
After a while, Mongol managed to escape. He created a superior weapon, which he called "The Lancer," and began to work on other inventions.
One year later, Mongol returned, heavily armed and fully armored in a metal-suit so bulky, it made him look like a yellow Olimar. He carried his Lancer, a surplus of GOW-Grenades and a bayonet attachment for his Lancer that he called "a chainsaw."
Needless to say, Mongol was blown to smithereens.
Spurred on by Mongol's show of stupidity, the remaining Pikmin...
...The remaining Pikmin decided never to mount another rebellion. Ever.
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There once was an albino Bulbmin named Gumth. Due to his particularly dangerous skin-affliction, Gumth was never allowed to go outside. He was forced to stay in his cave for all his life.
Wishing to see the fabled Sun, Gumth decided it was time to act.
For three months, Gumth worked on a series of products to cure his albino-ism. He created sunscreen, and went outside with it. He was burned black and carried back inside his cave.
Then Gumth used his pigmentation-process to give himself the proper skin tone. When he went outside, his pigments screamed and all ran away. Gumth was burnt black and carried back inside his cave.
Finally, Gumth used his greatest invention: the Ice-Bomb. He launched it out into space to get rid of the harmful light, and stepped outside.
Unfortunately, Gumth's ice-bomb had destroyed the sun and everybody froze to death.
Reportedly, Gumth's last words were: "Oh, the irony."
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Bug'umblo was a Spotty Bulborb. He liked to eat Pikmin. From the zesty (some might say spicy) red Pikmin, to the melt-in-the-mouth blue Pikmin, to the super-sour yellow Pikmin.
Bug'umblo became a famous chef, known the world over for his ultra-tasty Pikmin recipes.
One day, Bug'umblo heard the news that white and purple Pikmin had been discovered.
Bug'umblo said to himself, "I will find these new Pikmin, and I will eat them. For this is my destiny."
And Bug'umblo set off.
First, he ventured into the Submerged Castle and worked his way to the Final Floor. He somehow managed to miss the Ivory Candypop-Bud in the cave (but, of course, it was on break at the time, so, meh).
Bug'umblo braved fire, tsunamis, Wollywogs, Firey-Bulblaxes and Waterwraiths to find the Final Floor.
Finally, finding the purple Pikmin, Bug'umblo said, "I will eat you now, for it has taken me many moons to find you."
And, of course, he ate the purple Pikmin.
It was like an explosion for the taste-buds, Bug'umblo later said. So oily, so sweaty, so smelly... they were perfect for his Pikmin-Garlic sauce recipe. And they were good.
Next, Bug'umblo ventured into the White Flower Garden. He managed to reach the sublevel on which the white Pikmin were located.
Bug'umblo braved tiny bugs, musty smells and mothballs to reach the Final Floor.
Finally, finding the white Pikmin, Bug'umblo said, "I will eat you now, for it has taken me many short cat-naps to find you."
And, of course, he ate the white Pikmin.
And, of course, he died of Pikmin-food-poisoning. :)
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Once, long, long ago, there was a race of Pikmin. They were colored Pink. One of them, a male, got sick and tired of being called "Pinky," and "Girly" by all the other masculine-colored Pikmin.
This male Pink Pikmin, named, sadly, Plinko, decided to embark on a great journey to find the only person who could change him into a masculine-colored Pikmin.
That person was Bob Barker, host of The Price is Right television show.
Plinko followed the Lonely, Winding, Overly-long Path up to into Much-Snowia. Once in these fabled, snowy mountains, Plinko changed his course to go north.
Soon, Plinko had crossed Much-Snowia.
After travelling for many days in the Razzberry Forest, Plinko finally came across the Desolate, Nobody's-Ever-Been-Here Swamp. He travelled across it.
Finally, near the middle of the swamp, Plink found Bob Barker, sitting on a log.
"Why, hello little Plinko," said Bob, picking up the little Pink Pikmin and holding him in his palm. "I have been waiting for you."
"What must I do, oh Omni-Present and Wise, Wrinkly Old Man?" asked Plinko.
"You must play a game..." said Bob Barker. "A game that nobody else has ever won... A game that, if won, wil--"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," sighed Plinko, "I get it, I get it."
Bob gave a HARUMPH, and continued. "If won, this game will change you into... a purple Pikmin, the manliest-colored Pikmin of all."
Plinko's eyes widened in awe. "A purple Pikmin? Really?"
"Yes, really!" yelled Bob.
"With hair on my armpits?"
"YES!"
There was a short pause.
"But first, you must play... PLINKO!"
The swamp suddenly gave way to a brightly-colored stage. All around were people, people and more people!
"Now," said Bob, "What are we playing for today?"
"WE'RE PLAYING FOR," came a deep, manly voice... "THE CHANCE TO BECOME A PURPLE PIKMIN!"
Plinko nearly fainted. It was just so overwhelming.
Bob quickly explained the rules. Plinko must lower himself into one of the slots and allow himself to tumble, bouncing off countless pegs. If he landed on 10,000 spot at the center of the board at the bottom, Plinko would become a purple Pikmin. But if he landed on one of the two 1,000 spots, he would become a red Pikmin. If he landed in a 500 spot, he would become a blue Pikmin. If he landed in a 50 spot, he would become a yellow Pikmin. If he landed in a 1 spot, he would become a white Pikmin. But if he landed on one of the two 0 spots... Plinko would explode.
So, climbing to the top of the ramp, Plinko lowered himself into one of the slots. The crowd began to cheer.
And then, with a scream, Plinko allowed himself to fall.
OW
OW
OW
OW
OW
OW
OW
OW
OW
OW
OW
OW
OW
OW
OW
OWW!!!!
And, unfortunately, Plinko landed in a 0 spot. You know the rest.
Bob looked unimpressed. "13th person this week," he muttered.
And then, turning towards the screen, Bob said, in a low, haunting voice:
"Spaaaaaaaaade and Neeeeuuuutttttterrrrrr your Pettttttttsss..."
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This was just a little funny story. If I get reviews for it AND my other story (PIKMIN: THE SOUTH), I might just add a few more chapters to it every now and then... you know, as a sort of sabbatical from my serious writing.
This was all original stuff. Except the very last joke (spade and neuter your pets) which was inspired by the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson.
R&R