Disclaimer: The song is 'Like a Virgin' by Madonna. No copyright intended.
The words flew out of my mind like water rushing down a ravine. The rhythmical pattern and lyrical sense was overwhelming and I just felt so much love and misery for Gale. I had been on the train, in my room, sulking at the fact that I had to face Gale and tell him that I was faking everything. I wish it was as easy as I'd explain and then he'd believe me; but I saved my star crossed lovers life, we both made it out, and I had to pretend like I was so in love with them so that Gale wouldn't get hurt and so that I wouldn't get in trouble. President Snow was controlling my life, and I would never get to live the one I actually wanted.
I was smiling internally on my plush train bed though, because I was going to see Prim, and Gale, and the whole district. I won, and Peeta barnacled along with me. But I'm glad for that, because I wouldn't have been able to have killed that boy. He meant a lot to me, because he'd experienced the same thing that I'd experienced. Something Gale – fortunately – would never have to do. I didn't really understand my draw to Peeta until I ripped out a piece of paper and found a small black ink writing utensil in the nightstand drawers. He was too kind, too loving, too easy, too soft. He was like Prim, my sibling. He was supportive in the way that was brotherly.
And Gale on the other hand, who I had thought was the one who was like the older brother I never had, was the one who protected me like I was his property, his life, his light. In any other circumstance I would have protested against any thought of myself being someone's property. Women are just as equal as men and the majority of the time, smarter too. But when I realized Gale felt that way about me, I felt more loved than I have in years, more beautiful than when I was up on stage in my fiery dress, more happy than anything.
But Gale didn't know how I felt about him. He'd only seen me with Peeta, kissing in the cave, sleeping together for days. And that was all televised. The last thing I wanted to have was my personal life with my lover televised. And then my pen was flying. Writing out a scenario in which I could maybe give to Gale about how much I did love him and how I wished I didn't put us in this mess.
I made it through the wilderness
Somehow I made it through
Didn't know how lost I was
Until I found you
I was beat, incomplete
I'd been had, I was sad and blue
But you made me feel
Yeah, you made me feel
Shiny and new
At the time I didn't know that Gale had been labeled as my cousin by Haymitch because it wasn't suitable for me to have a boyfriend but also have a good-looking best friend. My upbringing was different than other girls my age, but every girl should be able to have a guy best friend without it being weird. And Haymitch just fucked that up for me. Gale was my rock; he was my steady, and go-to guy. I couldn't live without him if I tried. I nearly broke down in the arena when I set up my first snare. The thought wrenched my stomach.
I was in the woods now. It had been a few days since the train arrived, and my mother and Prim had already moved into our new house in the Victor's Village. I had been sleeping in my real home every night since though. The train doors had opened and immediately my eyes scanned the crowd for my loved ones, it wasn't hard to spot Prim up on Gale's broad shoulders. I smiled at her while she smiled back tears streaming down her face. My mother was standing next to Gale and Prim holding Hazelle's hand.
I looked at Gale and if it was possible my smile got larger and my heart expanded. But then I looked closer at his expression; and while he smiled, his grey as were stony as dark granite from inside the Earth. I pressed my expression into a meaningful: I missed you. He nodded and that's when Haymitch whispered in my ear that he was going to be shown as my cousin.
My smile dropped abruptly, the crowd faltered cheering, I ripped my hand from Peeta's which happened to be creeping the heck out of me. Everyone that I was close to noticed this and their expressions shifted too. "Katniss, what's wrong?" Peeta whispered, still half-facing the crowd and talking while grinning for the oblivious camera men.
"Get away from me." I dashed off the platform with Effie and Haymitch calling after me. The crowd parted for me and I knew my face looked furious. Faces blurred past me and I ran to my home; my only home. The springs had creaked and I buried my face in my hands and moaned about everything. I moaned about how I fucked up in the Games and how much danger I would inflict on anyone if they knew of my mock love for Peeta. Just the thought of loving him like that disgusted me to the slightest degree. I cared about him like a brother. That was a very rough day. I cried hours on hours, even passed when my tears had dried up. Why did I have to be in the Hunger Games? Why did I have to spark something contagious and frowned upon in Panem? Why did my dad die on me? Why did my mom leave me? Why did I let Rue die? And I didn't know any of the answers. I went seeking the places that I received the most clarity on that third morning back.
And now here I'm sitting journal open, next verses coming out as desperately as I needed to see Gale and explain my thought process and actions these past few weeks. I thought about how I could express the butterflies in my stomach and uneven thump of my heart when my eyes had rested upon Gale's rough face and familiar features,
Like a virgin
Touched for the very first time
Like a virgin
When your heart beats
Next to mine
My hands had a mind of their own, but my brain definitely agreed: I was going to do anything to prove that my love for him was eternal, he deserved it, and I deserved it. But that was selfish; I was going to tear down anything in my way to get to Gale. It was like all my hormones were unleashed in one big group and they were so attracted to Gale I could never feel this way about anyone else. Was this how you were supposed to feel about your soul mate?
Gonna give you all my love, boy
My fear is fading fast
Been saving it all for you
'Cause only love can last
"Katniss?" His voice is so formal, stiff; I jump and my humming immediately diminishes. He stands in-front of me just ten feet away, and by his stance, I'm guessing he's been there for a while, just enough to have been hearing and seeing me writing.
"Gale." I breathe. And up jumps the cunning victor and I crash into his arms. He wraps his arms around more out of surprise than anything, but when I squeeze his lower back with my embrace-full arms he holds me tighter and laughs. He props me up onto my balance and inhales my hair's scent.
"Kat,"
"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." I wail. He pulls out slightly and looks down at me with a handsome shadowed face.
"What are you talking about?" He asks me. "Don't be sorry. I'm so proud of you. I'm so glad you're back. You kept your promise to me, to Prim… you even managed to bring out another person," He stops mid-sentence.
"Gale, I did what I had to do to get out of the arena. Please hear me out. Please, I'll die if you don't." I'm surprised at my own emotion; Gale has never seen me this helpless. Gale stays silent and puts us down on the soft green grass. He sits crisscross in-front of me and the no-contact gives me physical pain. "I was scared." I begin. "I've never been so scared or alone in my entire life, and when the only person who I really could talk to, or could trust wasn't with me; I couldn't think straight. I only wanted to get back to that morning when everything was good, when our fates weren't being played with. But Haymitch told Peeta to confess love for me and oh!" There were dry tears coming out of my eyes and I gulp to get rid of the paste that is collecting in my mouth because of the anxiety of telling Gale this without him getting mad at me.
"Katniss," Gale starts.
"We needed sponsors. I knew he was going to die; I just couldn't let him though. I couldn't come back to the district knowing that he died because I couldn't cure his blood poisoning. And he believed me when all I told him were lies. That killed me Gale. And the whole time we were there in the Capitol or in the arena, I felt like I needed to be with him."
Gale grunts in discomfort. "No, no! Listen to me Gale." I say, my voice rising higher on each word. "On the train three days ago, that feeling went away and I felt like things were going back to the way they were before the games."
"That's stupid to think Catnip." His nickname for me sent shivers along my spine and made my toes curl in my boots I had snagged from my humble abode.
"Then I started thinking about seeing you again," He raises his eyebrows, "And I don't know, I've never felt this way about, I can't explain it but… I mean you get what I'm saying, like I," I pause.
Gale chuckles and the words came back to me. Easier this time. "I had this new emotion whenever I thought about you, and I had the same bland feeling about Peeta that I used to have around you when we first met."
"What in the world do you mean Katniss?" Gale asks. "You're not making any sense."
"I've never made sense before; I'm still the same Katniss. Gale I'm trying to say that Peeta had the reactions from me that I would to a brother." I don't know how Gale did it, but in a split second. I'm on my back on the ground and Gale's on top of me, his lips on top of mine. Warm, chapped, soft, and totally mine. He pulls away a millimeter to gauge my reaction and I smile at him. "Gale with you, you were never supposed to be my brother. You're more than that. I want you more than that."
Where did that come from Katniss? I didn't think you had the guts to spill that. "I'm glad I didn't run away from you today, I bet you are too, huh?" His hot breath splays across my face.
"Uh huh."
"What's in your journal, little singer?" He questions, getting off of me after pecking me on the lips. I've got to admit, his kisses are so much more passionate and adventurous than Peeta's it makes me feel sad I never got these kisses as my first.
A certain stirring in my lower stomach begins whenever Gale kissed me. And all my senses were dulled because I could only focus on that new feeling inside of me. I wanted to be able to explore him more, now I had the chance too, a reason too, but I couldn't focus on him. What was wrong with me?"
I'm so wound up in my thoughts, that I don't see Gale go to pick up my page where I started the song about him. He reads it out loud and I blush profusely. Especially on the first line: I made it through the wilderness. After reading it, Gale is speechless. He quickly recovers and compliments me like there is no tomorrow. "Katniss, who is this about?"
He already knows, but he's wheedling it out of me. "You." I whisper nervously.
"It's ingenious Catnip." And then out comes his beautiful smirk. My insides tingle and I grab the book from him, grab my discarded pen and sit up against his firm chest. Gale vibrates when he rereads what I've already written. The like a virgin part has got him cracking up. I jab him playfully in the stomach with my elbow and he feigns pain. I laugh and poise my writing tool.
You're so fine and you're mine
Make me strong, yeah you make me bold
Oh your love thawed out
Yeah, your love thawed out
What was scared and cold
You're so fine and you're mine
I'll be yours 'till the end of time
'Cause you made me feel
Yeah, you made me feel
I've nothing to hide
It's true. Gale knows me better than anyone else in the universe. I always came to him if I had any questions or any problems. I know him like the back of my hand, and him to me. Gale is mine, and I am his. Anything else is unthinkable. "I'm glad you think that way." Gale says to me. "But I do want to talk to you about something."
"Go ahead." I say nonchalantly, trying to think up another verse.
"How could you go and do that to me?" Knowing Gale, I realize that he is hurt while he says this. But his tone his sharp, and harsh, and his eyes are hard.
"I didn't mean to upset you, or scare you… what did you do while I was gone?" I suddenly ask accusingly. Gale bats his eyelashes and his cheekbones quiver.
"Nothing." He shrugs and casually leans back against the ground. I fall with him and land with my head on his stomach.
"You're lying. Did you go anorexia on me?" I joke while tilting my head up to look into his eyes. Eyes are the windows to the soul, or so I've heard. His body vibrates with laughter so my head bobbles up and down slightly. "Gale," I warn.
"No."
"Liar."
"But I did have trouble sleeping. I watched you all day, no school, no hunting, no nothing. I prayed for your safety, I cursed whenever it was in danger, I cried whenever you needed me." He was referring to the tracker-jackers, the tree escape, and the snares.
The mood quickly changed from light to dense. My face softened. "I'm so glad you weren't there with me. We never would have both made it out."
But the thing is one of us would have. It would have gone like this: Get high scores, bomb the interviews, never think of the Star-Crossed-Lover's angle, kept each other alive for as long as possible, either committing suicide together, or sitting up on the cornucopia arguing about who had to die and why. Long story short.
I could see Gale thinking up the same conclusion as me as well. "No…" He dragged out, coming slowly back from his vision. "We would have landed in the same predicament."
"Gale I just want you to know, Games or not, before or after; it was always going to be you. The thought of you kept me going. You were there with me the whole way even if you knew it or not."
"About that," Gale said, picking up the casual conversation again, "How did you get the 'fabulous' training score? You didn't strip, did you?" The way he pronounces the word fabulous has me cracking up.
"Little white boy," I tease, ruffling his hair while also sitting up leaning down over his face, "First of all: no. I didn't strip. I tried shooting Seneca Crane with one of those little, sharp metal arrows, and I missed. And Second: its pronounced fab-you-lus. Not fab-oo-lus."
"Catnip's lost her touch, eh?" He straightens out too, taking childish revenge on my hair also. I smack him in the arm for ruining my hair, and for insulting my shooting skills.
He grabs my hand and pulls it to his mouth. "Sorry babe." And then he places a butterfly touch to my wrist. Tingles rush through me again, and the cold gives me another dose of clarity.
All I could think of at the moment was Gale in my bed, nude, with a flushed body. The sheets making a tent, him pressed up against me, with his hands tangled in my hair. His woodsy scent, and the manly aroma drifting off of him. His choppy dark brown hair crowning his glistening face. His tongue dancing with mine, numbing me. All thoughts of the Hunger Games behind me.
Very dirty, Katniss. My conscious scolds me. I tell it to fuck off and write the next part to my song:
Like a virgin
Touched for the very first time
Like a virgin
Because your heartbeat
Is next to mine
Like a virgin, ooh, ooh
Like a virgin
Feels so good inside
When you hold me, and your heart beats
And you love me
"Like tonight, milady?" Gale suggests extending a hand to me once he has gotten off of the ground.
"Hell yeah." I say, brushing off his gesture and walking past him and heading down the hill towards the fence.
He jogs to catch up to me and then he whispers randomly in my ear: "I'm not letting anyone touch you ever again. You're mine, and I'm not losing you. I've loved you since the beginning."
A shudder runs up through my veins. "The beginning?" I ask playfully. "When was the beginning? When my ass was sticking out that black leotard?"
"The beginning was when I walked in to say good bye with the intention of kissing you, but never getting the chance." He tells me. My heart stops and then begins again double time. My body turns warm, and I also halt in mid-stride.
Ooh, baby
Can't you hear my heart beat
For the very first time?
"And I'm so glad it's me who does."
"Me too. It's like when it comes to you, in everything I'm kind of like a virgin." I commented. He just smiled. Thump, thump.