Title : Water Bliss
Author : JackB
Prompt : Anxiety
Warning : mention of self-harm, dissociation, mention of masturbation,
Word : 875
Resume : Bruce have some particular relationship with water.
Tag : Bruce Banner, Betty Ross, Water, Self-Harm, Masturbation, dissociation, DRDP, Suicidal Thought, I'm proud of this work !
Cold Water
Cold water is a friend. It stops the burn, any burn and it makes him numb, help him focus, help him forget.
It washes away the violent hands who bruised him. It calms the burn of the cigarette that has been crushed on his skin, it makes his breathing calm down once his body got used to it. It make him feel fresh and new, like a new person, a new body, not the freak he is, it doesn't last, but it's enough for him.
Later, cold showers helped him concentrate on any problem his research had made him face. He focus and drift away from the tiredness, from the sound of other humans, from his own body. There's nothing but his mind and the problem, what did he miss ? What did he forget ? What is the solution ? Cold water always helps him find out.
Over the years, after the gamma incident, cold shower took a new meaning. On some day, if he could we would add ice onto a bath and emerged himself. He would get numb and shaky at the same time. This moment were not to focus on a problem, it was to forget them, ground himself out of his tortured mind, until all he could think was to get out of the water. He always stayed. Long and patient until he reached the peak of it, the bliss. When he finally could imagine he was dead, like he thinks he should be. Enveloped in a cold chrysalis he felt like in peace for an instant.
Boiling Water
That day had been worse than most. Terror and anger were crawling under his skin since he woke up and his mind was focused on a destructive loop. Everything was fine, but he got the urge of pain. It's been some time nobody put him under misery, and he hated it but today he felt like being his own bully.
It was midnight or something and they finally finished their work for the day. Betty and him were starving and as she took a shower to warm up from the heavy rain that has been falling all day and relax, he was the one who cooked, pasta, cheap and simple. The water was boiling and seeing the tormented water just made him want more pain and destruction. At the same time very conscious of what he was doing and out of the sane part of his mind he immersed his hand on the water. Intense pain rushed through him but he didn't feel like moving, he felt tired.
Betty, who came out not so long after, jumped right to him, pulling his hand out in urgency.
« What are you doing ? Are you mad ? » She screamed in worry watching carefully the burnt hand. When he said nothing she looked up to him. He seemed lost. And indeed he barely felt any bother for his own damaged body.
« Are you okay ? » She asked as she manipulated his face to see if he was under any drugs or if there were a more urgent problem. « Bruce ! » She called him with insistence in a strong voice to ground him an instant.
« Hm. »
« Are you dissociating ? »
He frowned, looked up his hand, it wasn't his hand. He knew it was, but also, it wasn't.
« Anyway, keep your hand under cold water, I'm coming back with the med kit. »
He kept his hand under the water, but couldn't stop thinking about 'what's the point ?'. Rain was still heavy outside. It quieted his mind.
Rain
Bruce love rain. It's so peaceful whiles still caring particular vibe that just work well with him, no matter how he is and how he feels at the moment.
Because rain doesn't care for you and it can't hurt you. It just exists, with this perfect neutrality Banner needs and that he only found in the pure states of scientific research. Having just this problem or this mystery waiting for him to investigate and dismantle until he understands. Until all the part get linked. Then he can have the bliss to rip off a part of the veil that cover the way the universe function. It's thrilling.
Rain offer him something similar, another bliss, a physical one.
There is nothing like rain for him, he loves to feel the drop on his body, naked or not. Because it holds nothing. Absolutely nothing. There's no intention, there's no need to fill, it's just it. But it gives. The sensation is pleasing, different from what other humans can give him. There can be no hurt with rain.
So when he can, he let rain fall and run on him and sometimes, if the circumstances allow it, he would masturbate under the rain. The touch of the water is good, calming and it gives. The moment brings him to the edge of selfishness. It's all for him, only him. He takes everything and give nothing, he doesn't have to, he doesn't want to, only him. It's a comfort he never really had and sometimes he just needs it.
Rain is a friend. Rain is bliss.
End.