Toys' Law
Robbie has a talking donkey. More precisely, it's a singing Christmas donkey that his uncles Quil and Embry found in a five-and-dime store in Port Angeles.
They stop by for some of Bella's mulled cider one gloomy December evening in the tow truck after a callout. Robbie is soon far more fascinated by Bethly Hemm the singing donkey than he is by the tow truck, his previous favourite toy.
After three straight hours of tinny, computerised Christmas songs, Jake wants to murder Quil and Embry. More so than usual. He even contemplates returning to phasing just to kick their furry asses.
Ruby, Bella's black and tan Kelpie given to her by Jake when they were first married, hides under the bed. High pitched noises don't agree with her ears.
Rachel and Paul laugh mercilessly the next time they visit Jake and Bella's house. Quil and Embry sprung the same damned donkey on them but Rachel was quick enough to rip its batteries out. Their daughter Sarah-Beth thinks the donkey's no better or worse than any other stuffed toy.
Bella groans and says she wishes she'd been fast enough to intercept the gift but she'd been busy washing gingerbread-scented and -textured vomit off two-year-old Lailey. (Apparently an entire gingerbread house doesn't fit in a toddler's stomach very well.)
Jake fumes, "Fucking Quil and Embry. Technically we're not even Christian anyway. What right have they to brain wash my son into thinking Christmas is a part of our culture?"
Bella looks at him arching one eyebrow sharply. Ever since he took a place on the council, Jake's been keen on preserving the tribe's heritage, especially among its younger members. But that being said, Bella doesn't remember a single Christmas where Jake has complained about roast turkey, cranberry sauce, baked sweet potatoes or her special fruitcake and brandy butter. He also didn't complain the year she dressed up in a red velvet Mrs. Claus teddy and surprised him under the tree on Christmas Eve.
Perhaps Jake realises what Bella's thinking because he stops mid-rant and asks Paul what he thinks about the Seahawks chance in the Super Bowl.
Rachel winks at Bella. After all, Rachel was the one who found the Mrs. Claus costumes. Paul accidentally shredded hers in his excitement.
XXXX
Christmas Day is chaotic.
Thankfully Robbie gives up on Bethly Hemm. He finds his new Lego robot to be of superior entertainment value. Boys who are nearly five don't play with donkeys.
Lailey, however, decides she likes Bethly Hemm nearly as much as gingerbread. She screams if the donkey isn't within arm's reach. Bella thinks the screams were preferable to endless, tuneless carols. Then she gets a headache and relents.
Three generations of Blacks, Clearwaters and Swans convene at Jake and Bella's long, handmade pine table for Christmas dinner. They are serenaded throughout the meal by the mechanical strains of Little Drummer Boy, Away in a Manger and, Jake's personal favourite, Frosty the Snowman.
Despite double helpings of everything, Jake is not a jolly, happy soul.
"Can't we drown that bloody thing in the punch bowl or something?" he mutters darkly.
Ruby comes out from under the bed. The temptation to catch food dropped by Robbie, Lailey and Sarah-Beth overrides any desire to protect her sensitive ears.
Billy glances up from his sugar-free desert to catch Charlie's eye at the opposite end of the long table. (No one is quite sure how Bella makes fruit cake without sugar but Billy shyly asks every November if she's started the 'diabetic's delight' yet. Originally she made him a single serve sized cake, unsure how it'd go down. Now it's nearly as large as the family's main cake. Jake is convinced Billy cheerfully eats fruitcake for breakfast all through January.)
Charlie smiles knowing Billy's up to something. You don't know someone for over forty years without recognising when they get that glint in their eye.
Sue looks over from helping Robbie extract a bit of Lego from the brandy butter. She too knows Billy well enough to deduce that he's plotting something.
Billy clears his throat and there is instant silence.
Charlie's always wondered how Billy does that and thinks Billy would have made an excellent big city police commissioner. If he can shut the squabbling Black family rabble up this easily, he'd have commanded press conferences like there was no tomorrow.
There is instant silence except There must have been some magic in that old silk hat they found... Even Billy's presence can't stem the tide that is Bethly Hemm, the energiser donkey.
"Jake, son, have you heard of toys' law?" Billy asks.
"No dad," Jake grunts out around a mouthful.
Billy explains, "It's a variant on Murphy's Law that says the annoyingness of a toy is inversely proportional to the amount of time that the giver has to spend with the recipient."
"What's a wee-siprocant?" asks Robbie.
"Someone who gets something," whispers Bella to her son.
"Oh," says Jake in a flat-voiced response to his father's comment. "Still doesn't help us shut that damnable dumb donkey up."
Billy smiles. "I learned about toys' law the year Charlie gave you a lightsaber for your birthday."
Charlie frowns, not liking the implications that he may have failed at gift giving and broken a law, albeit one he didn't know existed. Sure, he had never known what to give Bella when she was growing up. For starters, she'd been a girl. And then there was the fact that she lived all the way down in Arizona. But Jake had been a boy – much easier – and a happy, easy-going one at that. Surely a lightsaber had been a manly sort of sword-like object suitable for a boy? (Secretly Charlie wishes they'd hurry up and invent the real thing so he could use one at work.)
Jake finally grins and Bella relaxes now. "Best present ever Charlie. I loved that thing to bits, wonder what ever happened to it?"
Billy's smile twists around his spoon. He swallows and says "I think it's still in the attic where all your old toys got stashed when you outgrew them."
By the look on his father's face Jake knows there's more to the story, "And?" he prompts.
Billy looks smug. "I might have dismantled it one night when you left it out in the back yard. Taken the sound effects chip and the flashing lights out of it."
Jake chuckles and eats a chunk of cake from Lailey's high chair that missed her mouth. "I do remember it stopped working, but you," he points a cakey finger at Billy that Lailey tries to grab, "You, old man, told me the dew must have got into it because I left it outside. Now I know the truth.
"Your grandpa is a sneaky, mean old man," Jake tells Lailey, poking her in the tummy. She giggles and pokes the donkey in the tummy. Away in a manger, no crib for his head... fills the dining room.
"Still wish I could chuck that thing away in a trash can," Jake grumbles.
Sarah-Beth has been unusually quite which means she's lost in thought. She breaks her silence with, "How big is the sky, Momma?"
Rachel looks at Paul. Paul looks at the last of the mashed potatoes and smirks. He's not going to help this time.
"Big enough to hold the sun, all of the stars and the moon, sweetie." Rachel feels proud of her answer.
"But how come Santa's reindeer don't get lost in the sky then?" her daughter persists.
Paul emerges from potato heaven (he really has to get Bella to teach Rachel how to cook properly) to field this one. "Rudolph's got a GPS in his nose."
Sarah-Beth's eyes pop, "Like Auntie Bec's car?"
"Exactly," Paul confirms.
Rachel sighs. Jake winks at Paul and Bethly Hemm serenades them with a few Rumpa-pum-pums. Jake looks murderous again.
"Consider yourself lucky, son" Billy tells Jake. "The lightsaber had sound AND lights. Double whammy. Quil and Embry aren't quite up to Charlie's level of infraction against toys' law."
"Don't tell them that," Jake begs.
Paul just snickers and wishes there were more potatoes. Desert's looking good though.
"Not to worry son," Billy placates as he eyes the dish in front of Bella as if to ask for another piece of his special fruitcake. She acquiesces, giving him a second helping. "I've already got Quil and Embry back for you Jake," Billy says as he pats Bella's hand lovingly.
Jake finishes mopping Bella's plate with a spare piece of bread and asks his father, "How?"
"Told them you and Bella were finally going to use that gift certificate to the lodge in Port Angeles over New Years and they could babysit while you were gone," Billy replies slowly and simply.
He has deadpan down to a fine, fine art.
Then the entire table roars with laughter. Ruby woofs. Lailey waves Bethly Hemm in the air and he proclaims something about the little drummer boy. When the laughing dies down, Jake looks at his son and says, "Your grandfather is a brilliant, wise old man. Did you know that?"
"Is that cuz he's a wee-siprocant? What does he get?" asks Robbie.
"He gets the fact that Bethly Hemm combined with a New Years Day hangover is going to make your uncles Quil and Embry suffer," Jake answers cheerfully.
Charlie realises he loves his son-in-law so much because Jake is so similar to Billy.
Ruby licks Lailey's fruitcake-covered foot. Lailey squeals and wishes there was more gingerbread, it's so much better than fruitcake.
Bella allows herself a small smile but is not keen on leaving her children at the tender mercy of Jake's two best friends.
Sue sees this and tells Bella not to worry. She'll be in charge. The boys are coming to her place to celebrate with Seth while he's home from college.
Rachel adds, "I'll send you the batteries I took out of Sarah-Beth's donkey. We wouldn't want Bethly Hemm going flat on his big day, would we? I'll give you some ear plugs too, Sue. I've got plenty for when Paul cranks up the Whitesnake and Springsteen."
"You'll be an ear pug wee-siprocant, Nana Sue," Robbie declares, sticking four pieces of Lego on her plate.
Bella reaches under the table and squeezes Jake's hand. He suddenly smiles her smile. It's a smile that out-shines the Christmas tree and Sarah-Beth's glowing reindeer antler headband.
"Christmas isn't just about toys," Jake states half solemnly. Bella expects him to continue by saying 'it's about food', but when he resumes, he surprises her, reminds her why she married him.
"It's about love. I love all you guys so much," Jake pauses then adds, "Even you Bethly Hemm. And I'll love you, darling little donkey, twice as much on New Year's Day all the way from Port Angeles!"
A/N - Wrote this a couple of months ago and have been saving and saving it in honour of Christmas in July here in the southern hemisphere! That's been quite a challenge because I'm not great at keeping anything under wraps, but here it is and happy July 25th everyone :)