My Danna's So Pretty! Chapter 1: What Type Of Mission Is THIS!, a naruto fanfic

My Danna's So Pretty: Part I

Summary: Sasori is sick to the death of Deidara's stupid jokes about how pretty he is, his crazy complaining, and disputes about the tiniest of things, blowing up stuff up, and simply Deidara in general. Yet, little does Deidara know that karma always comes back and bites you in the ass... At least they can put Deidara's feminine looks to good use now.

Genre: Humor/Romance/Parody

Disclaimer I: Don't own. If I did, Deidara would be ALL MINE.

Disclaimer II: This takes place when Deidara is younger. It explains his crazy attitude.

By aBoOm-Un

"Mmmm… So, now what that this is over, un?" Deidara queried, with a grin spread across his face. "Why should we go the boring way, when we could fly out..."

Sasori twitched slightly, and then said in a calm, icy tone, "We are WALKING. I am NEVER going back onto that horrible clay contraption ever again…"

Deidara put on a little pouting face, which Sasori admitted, made him look like a cute GIRL, but still cute. Sasori simply let out a sigh, and began to walk away. Deidara let out a bored groan, but then ran after him. He jumped next to him, and then said, "So, we hide your beauty? Because y'know, people would pay to see my danna, 'cause…"

"He's so pretty. Taken the information, spat it back up."

Deidara pouted, "You're no fun!" He then murmured under his breath, "Fogey…"

"I heard that!"

"Well, you are! You don't know me!"

Sasori's eye twitched; this was the worst side of Deidara you could possibly meet. Seriously. He would make cracks about you, and go all angsty when you say one thing wrong to him.

"Maybe he's PMSing…"

Deidara, who was walking somewhat stiffly along, staring up at the sky, stole a quick glance at Sasori. When their eyes met, Sasori raised an eyebrow. Deidara let out a rather loud "Hmph!" and went back to staring at the sky.

"Yep. It's his time of the month again… Wait, don't girls only get that? Maybe he's a girl… But then… Oh god…"

Sasori was flooded with disturbing, and remarkably vivid images. His eye twitched, as he raised his hands up to his face, and shook his head wildly. Deidara raised a (scarily) perfect eyebrow, and then smirked.

"Watcha thinking about, un?"

"Never you mind…" Sasori grumbled. "Just need some pain-killers…"

"Why would you need pain-killers? You're mostly just puppet…"

"I still need FOOD, don't I?"

Deidara (once again) raised his eyebrow, and said in a confused tone, "I've never seen you eat…" Sasori simply shrugged, and continued walking home.

…

"GAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! I can't take this!" Deidara reached into his bag of clay after 3 hours of walking, and his palm-mouth ate some. Sasori looked at him with a strange look on his face, so Deidara sighed and said angrily, "I'm SO SICK of walking, un!!! We've been walking for three hours, non-stop! I'm flying back the rest of the way, un!"

Sasori sighed, and said, "Deidara, let's keep mov…"

"No!"

Deidara then plonked himself down on the ground, and dug his hands into the earth. Sasori rolled his eyes and said calmly, but in an angry tone, "Deidara… GET UP."

"No! No! No! Un!"

Sasori cussed under his breath; Deidara was so troublesome. He grabbed his arm, and pulled him with all his might. Unfortunately, Deidara wasn't gonna let go any time soon. Hell, he would probably have his arms ripped out of the sockets and be dragged back to the Akatsuki lair by Sasori than let go and walk the rest of the way!

Sasori pulled and pulled at Deidara's arm, who was now screaming in an unusually high voice, "OH EM GEE!!! I'M BEING ATTACKED! HELP MEEEEEH, UN!!!"

Sasori, losing his cool, yelled, "For the love of god Deidara, SHUT UP!!!"

"NAY, VILE BEAST, UN!"

At times like this, Sasori actually wished Orochimaru was still his partner…

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Sasori and Deidara turned up at the Akatsuki lair three hours later than they usually would of (No thanks to Deidara's complaining), with Deidara in a hyper mood, and Sasori prepared to kill Deidara.

"WE'RE HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOME, UN!"

Deidara charged into the lair, and instantly jumped onto the tiny couch in the main room. Sasori trudged in after Deidara, while rubbing his temples, and groaning. Deidara was now jumping on the couch, jumping and giggling like he had just skulled a case of Red Bull. Sasori rolled his eyes at his partner, and sat himself in the armchair over in the corner and kinda sunk into it. Itachi chose that moment to walk into the room, Itachi looking bored as always.

Itachi chose a chair next to Sasori, then nodded at him and said, "Sasori. Mission went well?" Sasori let out a groan, and said, "If you mean well partnership-wise, then HELL NO." Itachi looked a bit unconvinced, so Sasori pointed at Deidara, and said, "Could you put up with THAT?!"

Itachi looked over at Deidara, who was now chewing on a toothpick, humming the tune to "Star Wars."

Itachi recoiled slightly, and said, "Wow…"

Sasori took a deep breath in, and said, "Deidara better watch his back…"

Itachi gazed out into space for a bit, but then said slowly, "Yeah, that's right… Zetsu said that Leader was gonna give one of us a new mission." Sasori was about to ask, "About what?" but Itachi cut him off. "Get all Akatsuki in here now, Sasori."

Sasori said with a touch of impatience, "Show some respect, Uchiha…"

Itachi rolled his eyes, and then said, "Whatever. I'll get them all then…" Itachi then went out the room, leaving Sasori alone with his partner once more. He looked at the Iwagakure Missing-Nin, who was now lying down on the couch, staring at the ceiling, still chewing on the toothpick. Sasori watched him for a bit, until Itachi and all the others came in, excluding the oMg-So-EvIl leader-san…

Kisame leisurely strolled in, looking strangely at Sasori. Sasori noticed this and said sharply, "What?" Kisame smirked, and said, "Nothing, Sasori… You tired, or something?" Sasori frowned at him, and opened his mouth, but Zetsu then started to speak.

"Ok, so Leader has given me some instructions to find the six-tailed weasel… Anyway, if any of you are smart, Raijuu sleeps in human navels. This will probably cause some problems, because the host of Raijuu is a guy. Now, to get Raijuu out of the guy's navel, you usually have to shoot it with an arrow, thus, stabbing the host through the gut."

Kakuzu said, "Yeah… And? So stab him through the gut! Who cares?"

Zetsu sighed, and his black side then hissed, "This guy is also the only guy who knows who Houkou's host is."

Kazuku cussed loudly, and slammed his fist on the table. Kisame let out a sigh, and said, "So what the hell are we s'posed to do then? How do we get info on Houkou AND get Raijuu?"

Zetsu grimaced slightly, and then Sasori said, "Well? How do we do this?" Zetsu took a deep breath, and said something that sent chills down everybody's spine…

"We're gonna have to seduce the information on Houkou and Raijuu out of him."

…

"WHAT?!?!" Hidan yelled, slamming his fist on the table. "One of us has to seduce a GUY?! Who the hell is willing to do THAT?!?! Who and where is he? Where is the goddamn tutu wearer?"

"I say Sasori does it!"

"WHAT?! No way, idiot!!!"

"Well I'm sure as hell not!'

"I say Itachi does, 'because he gave us the bad news!"

"Leave weasel alone! It's not his fault!"

"Alright, you're doing it, since you're already gay for weasel!"

"He isn't gay for me!"

"Hell yeah! Take that, you tiny loser!"

"I'm bigger than you!"

"Like hell!"

"Wanna bet?"

"You are NOT gonna flash your dicks all around the place! I'm already scarred by what's underneath Kakuzu's bed!"

"Hey, I have them because Yaoi is a great way to make money!"

"So you Yaoi for money?"

"Nobody cares about your sex life!!"

"Fish-boy knows all about Itachi's!"

"WHY DON'T YOU GO FUC…"

"ENOUGH!!!!!!!"

Everybody spun around. There, standing in the doorway, was…

"Leader?" Deidara gasped, standing up. Everybody stood up straight after Deidara. There, indeed, in the flesh, was… UCHIHA MADARA!!! Nah, it was the Akatsuki Leader. Although… Heh…

"Leader… Is Zetsu telling the truth? Does one of us have to seduce… A GUY?" Sasori said with wide eyes.\

"Mmmm… Yes, Sasori. One of us HAS to do it, and has to do it well…" The Akatsuki Leader sighed, putting his gaze on Sasori.

"Well, who looks feminine enough to seduce a guy out of information and poke him in the navel?

Eight sets of eyes came to rest on Deidara…

…It took Deidara approximately twenty-three point seven seconds to realise that everybody was staring at him.

"…un?"

"DEIDARA JUST VOLUNTEERED!!!" Sasori yelled, shoving the blonde-haired, blue-eyed 'beauty' over to the Akatsuki Leader. Deidara's eyes widened, and he let out a scream…

… A high-pitched, girly scream.

The Akatsuki Leader smirked, and murmured to Sasori, "Doll him up." Sasori grinned, and grabbed Deidara by the ponytail. As he dragged him off, Itachi, Kisame, Kakuzu, Hidan, Zetsu and the unknown member all followed Sasori and Deidara, smirking to themselves, ignoring Deidara's screams.

"Ok, first off Deidara, how 'bout you let your hair down…" Sasori suggested, reaching for his blonde partners hair tie…

"NO! I REFUSE TO LET MY HAIR DOWN, UN!!!" Deidara screamed, jumping away from the Puppet Masters reaching hands. Deidara, for the first time, had a look of genuine terror in his eyes, and his mouth was slightly open. Hidan raised an eyebrow, and asked, "Why not?"

Deidara stuttered, "I… Uh… Just… Just NO! No touchie the hair! Don't… Un…" Deidara was interrupted by the feeling of hands touching his hair.

He spun around to stare at the offender. It was Itachi. He was kinda… Running his fingers through his hair. He seemed to be enjoying the touch… Suddenly, Itachi pulled his hand away, and looked Deidara in the eye.

Itachi glared at Deidara slightly, but then smiled, and said in a calm, steely tone…

"Deidara… Have you been using my hair styling products?"

"Holy crap on a stick! HE KNOWS!!! Oh em gee! Un!" "Noooooooo… What makes you say that, un?"

"Because…" Itachi frowned and he once more ran his fingers through the bomb-specialists hair. "It feels like it, looks like it, and it even…" Itachi took a second to sniff his head. "SMELLS like MY shampoo."

Meanwhile, Kisame, Hidan, Kakuzu, Zetsu and the unknown member were all staring in shock at Itachi and Deidara, while they were discussing HAIR PRODUCTS. "Gay pansies…" Hidan muttered, stroking a rather large, rusty sword sticking out of his shoulder. The unknown member grimaced, and moved slightly towards Kisame, who was oblivious to the movement.

From then on, making Deidara pretty was nothing but a blur of words and colors…

"Wow…"

"What is it, Sasori?"

"Itachi… If Deidara uses your shampoo… Where do you get it?!"

"Hn?"

"It's so… Soft!"

"And bouncy!"

"You don't like bouncy things, Kisame…"

"Oh go sacrifice your dick to Jashin!"

"MAYBE I WILL, Mr. Smartass!"

"That was just uncalled for, Hidan…"

"… I hate you…"

…

"NO Kisame, we are NOT using the expensive red nail-polish on him!"

"Why not Kakuzu? It was only a buck more expensive than our usual purple…"

"We're NOT using it, THAT'S FINAL!"

"Party pooper…"

"… Why do we even HAVE red nail-polish?"

"Kakuzu… Why do you have girl's clothes in your closet…?"

"It's excellent for making money! Trust me!"

"Err…"

Many Hours Later…

All the guys finally stopped, and looked at their work. They all stared at Deidara.

"Wow…" Kisame sighed.

"Oh my god…" Sasori breathed out.

"…" Even Itachi was speechless.

Yes, because standing in front of them… WAS NOW A TRANSVESTITE! Naaah, it was just an 'even-prettier-than-usual' Deidara. Deidara had now let his hair down, (which was discovered to go down to his waist) had red nail-polish on, (Kakuzu cracked after he discovered how pretty Deidara looked without it and couldn't bear the fact that Sasori would turn him into a puppet if he refused anymore), and was now wearing a Sakura-style top in silver, and a long, brown gypsy skirt. His eye was twitching, and he looked like he was ready to kill. Sasori swallowed, but then grinned and said, "Time to add the finishing touch!" Deidara's eyes widened.

"No, you are NOT shoving that down my top…"

"C'mon, you idiot! You can seduce a guy without huge jugs!"

After Sasori shoved the two soccer balls down Deidara's top, he looked at them for two seconds, and then said, "Errr…"

Hidan coughed twice, and then said, "Errr, Sasori? You wouldn't know, but… They like jugs, NOT BIG SAGGY… THINGS."

Itachi recoiled a bit, and Kisame looked very pale in his blue, fishy skin. "Ewww…"

Kakuzu however, looked like he was in ecstasy. His eyes were slightly closed, and he then licked his lips.

Unconsciously, everyone backed away from Kakuzu at that moment.

"…"

Deidara coughed twice, and rubbed the back of his neck. "Errr… How do I look, un?"

Kisame yelled, "Hot!"

Sasori said, "Err… You look… Nice?"

Black Zetsu murmured, "Delish-ous…" and White Zetsu said, "Agreed…"

Kakuzu didn't say anything…

Hidan groaned, and said, "Like you do every day…"

Itachi mumbled, "Alright… You look pretty. VERY pretty."

Deidara sighed, and slapped his forehead. "For god's sake guys, I'm STILL DEIDARA. I'M NOT SOME RANDOM CHICK. Stop gawking me… Un…" He trailed off when he saw Hidan's face, though. He hurriedly said, "Ok, can you just tell me where to meet the guy, so I can get this over and done with, un?!" He was panicking now. Kakuzu looked like he was ready to jump him…

Zetsu shook his head a bit, but then reached into the inside of his Akatsuki cloak and pulled out a scroll. "This is the mission information… Sasori will come with you, just to make sure you don't get into trouble. The rest is inside, alright? The guy lives in Iwagakure, so be careful, Deidara. Good luck."

"Do we have to leave now, un?"

"Yep."

"Why do I have to come?"

"Itachi said why… Are you blind, as well as pretty, Sasori no Danna, un?"

"Quiet you…"

"Have fun guys!"

"Wha..?"

Before Deidara could finish what he was saying, both Sasori and him had been shoved out of the Akatsuki lair, and into the worst mission Deidara could possibly get.

Oh dear… What horrors will Deidara and Sasori run into? Will Deidara really have to seduce a man? What does Sasori think? Will relationships change? Will Hidan get Deidara? Will aBoOm-Un get a romance fix? FIND OUT NEXT TIME I CAN BE BOTHERED UPDATING!!! Reviews please! I LOVE YOU ALL.

Love always,

- aBoOm-Un