LICENSE TO DRILL
The major characters in this story are based very loosely, we hope on characters under copyright to Ian Fleming, and are meant in no way to profit from his work. As if we'd make any profit from this garbage if we tried.
TEASER
A familiar theme starts playing as a white circle migrates toward the right side of the screen. It stops at the screen's edge as it focuses on JAMES BOMB 006-1/2 in his trademark tuxedo. The circle expands to form a P.O.V. down the barrel of a gun, and follows Bomb as he walks toward the center of the screen. Once there, he spins toward the camera and aims his pistol straight at it. After a few tense moments, Bomb grins and re-aims the pistol toward his right. He pulls the trigger, and a BANG! flag pops out.
The circle drops onto the bottom of the screen with an audible THUMP! and dribbles pathetically toward the right-hand corner, whereupon it expands to fill the screen and show:
SCENE 1 - EXTERIOR, ESTABLISHING SHOT of CORPORATE BUILDING, LONDON
The building has a large sign about halfway up the front: "UNIVERSAL EXPLOSIONS". But in reality it's the secret headquarters of Great Britain's international espionage network, Am-I-Sick.
SCENE 2 - INTERIOR, HEAD OFFICE, UNIVERSAL EXPLOSIONS
W, the head of Am-I-Sick, is meeting with a cabinet MINISTER in the well-furnished office.
MINISTER
You know how important this shipment is, W! If it should fall into the wrong hands...
W
I know full well that the safety of the free world is at stake, Minister.
MINISTER
Not just the free world, the expensive world, the cheap world, the no-interest-for-one-year world...
(beat)
You must send one of your best agents to pick it up as soon as it arrives in England.
W
All of our double-0's are on other assignments overseas, although one was supposed to be back by now. He was in Cancun investigating a secret training camp for an international league of assassins.
MINISTER
Perhaps he's still tying up loose ends?
SCENE 3 - INTERIOR, PRIVATE BEACH CABANA, CANCUN
James Bomb is tying up the loose ends of a young WOMAN's string bikini.
BOMB
Where did you learn to hold your breath for so long?
WOMAN
I had quite a bit of training in breath control. Best in my class.
BOMB
Really? In what else were you best in class?
WOMAN
Marksmanship.
The woman sits up, reaches behind herself, and pulls out a compact pistol and aims it point-blank at Bomb.
BOMB
(surprised)
Where were you hiding that?
WOMAN
(getting angry)
That's for me to know, and you never to know. Say your prayers, Bomb.
BOMB
In what denomination?
WOMAN
(suddenly furious)
I DON'T CARE! Just sit there and die, you miserable spy!
BOMB
"Spy." Would this have something to do with the closing of the assassins training camp?
WOMAN
"Closing!" You demolished the entire campground and annihilated all the trainers and trainees! I was the only survivor, and I'm going to make you pay for what you did!
BOMB
I can understand the need to avenge your comrades -
WOMAN
Comrades, nothing! Do you know how hard it is for an assassin to get unemployment comp!
BOMB
Yes, the job market for assassins is dead, isn't it?
WOMAN
AAAAAAGGHH!
During the split-second the assassin is screaming at Bomb's horrible pun, Bomb kicks the pistol out of her hand. He tries to clobber her with a champagne ice bucket next, but she deflects it and throws a karate punch toward him. He flips her over his head and she crashes through the wall of the cabana, attracting a crowd of onlookers. She spots her pistol on the ground, grabs it, and quickly runs from the scene. Bomb jumps out of the cabana with his own pistol and chases after her. Their chase takes them to a nearby pier where two water-skiers and boats are preparing their equipment. The assassin reaches one skier, pushes him off the pier, and quickly straps on the skis. The BOAT OWNER in the boat attached to the tow line sees the attempted hijack.
BOAT OWNER
(yells)
Hey! Whaddaya think you're doing!
The assassin waves her pistol at the boat owner.
WOMAN
(yells)
Get going!
The boat owner, who must be at least a hundred feet away, isn't intimidated.
BOAT OWNER
(yells)
You really think you could hit me from that far away?
The woman fires her pistol, neatly shooting off the boat owner's sailor hat and leaving a narrow, shaved furrow in the hair on top of his head.
BOAT OWNER
(with sh*t-eatin' grin)
Hold tight!
The boat owner guns the motor and takes off at top speed. The woman jumps off the dock and expertly water-skis away just as Bomb reaches the end of the dock. He quickly spies another boat with another water-skier getting ready to go. Bomb shoves him off the dock, puts on the skis, and shouts to this boat's owner:
BOMB
Follow that skier!
The second boat's owner guns the motor and takes off after the first boat in a high-speed chase. They start out more-or-less parallel to the beach, Bomb and the assassin shooting at each other, the two boat owners desperately ducking to avoid crossfire and dodging to avoid all the buoys in the water. As Bomb catches up to her, both run out of ammo and throw their guns away. Once they're neck and neck, the assassin starts sideswiping Bomb, trying to knock him off his skis. Bomb responds in kind.
As they repeatedly slam into each other, they come upon a ski jump. Both take the jump, still slamming into each other in mid-air. Both misjudge their footing upon landing back in the water: Bomb ends up on his back, the assassin standing on his upturned legs, both their skis tangled with each other, as they continue moving at boat speed. They try to untangle themselves and continue fighting at the same time, ending up in a bunch of different positions that look like stunt skiing at Cyprus Gardens.
Both boats swerve sharply to avoid another beach just as Bomb and the assassin finally disengage, and in the process Bomb's ski snaps the assassin's tow line. Bomb is dragged into turning with his boat while the assassin continues speeding toward the beach, specifically toward a steep boat trailer ramp angling out of the water. Bomb lets go of his tow line and slows down to hit the beach at a safe speed, and watches as the assassin's momentum shoots her at top speed up the ramp and high into the air, screaming, tumbling, and flailing limbs.
SCENE 4 - INTERIOR, STUDENT HOSTEL, CANCUN
The scene inside looks like Spring Break's answer to "Animal House" : Dozens of rowdy college kids in swimsuits dance, drink, and cheer around a bucket of water under a tall makeshift ladder and diving board, egging on an idiot on the diving board preparing to leap off into the bucket. Suddenly the assassin crashes through the roof and into the bucket herself, her momentum carrying her body and the bucket through the floor and several feet into the ground below.
The kids stare in shocked silence for a few seconds as pieces of broken ceiling rain down amongst them, then cheer even louder than before.
Bomb enters the hostel to see them covered in ceiling plaster and cheering around the assassin's body.
BOMB
She really brought down the house.
TITLE SEQUENCE begins
Sequence includes TITLE CARDS:
"SHUN CANNERY"
"as Ian Phlegm's JAMES BOMB 006-1/2"
"in LICENSE TO DRILL"
The title sequence includes many titillating images or least what would be titillating if this weren't a spoof: Young women in bikinis with several missing teeth or removable hair; Bomb himself wearing a bikini; A young woman holding a large bazooka instead of a pistol; An explosion, out of which Bomb emerges charred and tattered; etc, etc.
TITLE SEQUENCE ends
TO BE STARTED
This is a work of fiction. If these events happened in real life, the policeman filing the reports would be laughed off the force.