Serena wondered where Bernie had gone, they had both been cleaning up after a surgery but when she had turned round the women was nowhere to be seen. A small thread of guilt had entered Serena's head space, had she gone to far with the flirting during Mr Bliss' surgery, it had been a difficult surgery after all and she knew Bernie had wrestled to keep control as Mr Bliss had deteriorated in front of them. But she almost couldn't help herself since the kiss they had shared in the very same theatre all those months ago. She knew she was pushing the boundaries but she couldn't stop herself, almost consumed by her desire to kiss Bernie again, a thought that had intensified in the time Bernie had been in Kiev and she loved complementing Bernie's hands (and face and if she was completely honest her whole body) as she worked. It had been challenging since Bernie's return, as they both tried to sort out where they stood with one another, but they were getting there as friends and with some flirting going on Serena was hopeful she would break through Bernie's tough exterior.
Searching the corridors on the way back to the ward, even detouring into Pulses to check she wasn't grabbing a coffee, Serena was coming up empty. How can a women simply disappear with no trace? As she arrived on the ward she could see Raf sitting at the nurses station, walking over she asked Raf whether he had seen Bernie.
'I think she was heading to on call room, last time I seen her. Is everything ok?'
'Yes, yes, just a challenging surgery.' Serena answered quickly, whilst walking back out the ward. Raf looked on slightly concerned at the speed Serena had left, but with a busy ward had to let the worry leave his mind for the moment.
Reaching the on call room, Serena knocked quietly on the door, when there was no reply she opened the door quietly, surprised when she didn't see Bernie sitting on the bed. The room was quiet and dim with the blinds closed most probably from the last occupant. She almost closed the door again when the light from the bathroom caught her eye, listening harder she could hear the shower was running.
"Bernie are you in there?" Serena called gently through the bathroom door. When no reply came she tried knocking but still nothing. Serena started to walk back towards the door of the on call room but as she reached it she stopped, almost swearing she could hear sobbing. Turning back round she made it to the bathroom door again. Shouting firmly "I'm coming in" before opening the door slowly. What she saw in front of her caused her chest to tighten, almost tears rushing to her eyes, as she tried to hold it together. Bernie was sitting in the bottom on shower hands wrapped around knees, which were pulled up to her chest. Serena approached quickly, crouching down by the edge of the shower. "Bernie, whatever is the matter?" When Bernie didn't lift her head Serena lent in, not caring that her top was getting wet. Serena couldn't bear to see her friend hurting so much.
"Bernie the waters cold, why on earth are you under cold water, how long have you been like this?" Scolding herself as soon as she had said it. Serena stood up and turned the flow of water off before crouching back down "Bernie, speak to me? I'm here for you". Bernie finally looked up at her "I thought it would get easier, but it's not" Serena still puzzled by Bernie's response tried to explore it further, but realizing the women in front of her was starting to shiver more she switched into doctor mode. "Ok Mayjor, it is clear you have been sitting like this for quite some time and you are going to end up with hypothermia, I am going to turn the shower back on to heat you up ok?!" Acting on her words when there was no response from the women sat beside her, she turned the shower heat up and back on. "Ok Bernie, I need you stand up for me" When Bernie still didn't move from her secure position, Serena, spoke again more firmly, and the army medic responded to the orders. Serena maneuvering her under the warm flow of water for a minute. "You need to let me in Bernie, what are you thinking?" Bernie was still shivering as Serena, rubbed her hands up and down her arms, in a vain attempt to add more heat. Bernie continued to stare blankly at Serena, but she could see the emotion in her eyes changing as she began to heat up. "Let me into your head Bernie, you can't keep holding back." Still with no audable response from Bernie, Serena lent in and turned the shower off, letting out a barely audible sigh of frustration.
After grabbing a towel and safely decanting Bernie from the shower and wrapping her up, Serena guided them back through to the on call room sitting them down side by side on the bed.
"Bernie, please, talk to me, what isn't getting easier?" Bernie sat with her head down, eyes focused firmly on the floor. "Us, I thought I would be braver this time, I thought when I came back it would be easier for me to tell you how I feel, but I'm just not good with words when it comes to lo… well you know"
"Well actually Bernie, that's the thing, unless you can tell me, I'm not sure how I'm meant to know if you feel the same way." Serena, replied honestly but with an edge of doubt in her own voice.
"I, I, well, I care about you Serena, I don't want to hurt you" Bernie tried to respond, tears fallen from her eyes again. "I, well I have developed these feelings that well, its just…" Serena choosing a new tact as she needed to show the women she cared about her enough that she could trust her instincts embraced her in a tighter hug, using the towel to slowly dry the surgeon as they sat on the bed.
"Bernie, you are one of the strongest people I know, you are intelligent, humorous, a loyal and trusted friend, and don't get me started on hot, well attractive I find you (Serena, blushing briefly as she thought of how hot the trauma surgeon actually was), but do you know the reason, I have fallen in love with you, the reason that I still wanted to be with you even after you buggered off to Kiev for 3 months, it's because of you, the whole you, not a single part, and that means even those bits of you that you are still working on I want to be there for and help you with. But I need you to let me in." Bernie lifted her head and turned towards Serena, suddenly realizing how close she was to the women before looking back down at her lap.
"When I'm around you, I can't stop the fire within me building, that's why I came for a shower… you know after we had finished the surgery I needed to cool down, the way you looked at me, your smile, I used all my energy not to push you against the wall after surgery and kiss you there and then as we cleaned up. But when I got in the shower, the silence well you know it gives you time to think, and well I was scared, maybe I was misreading it, or worse what If I run again, I'm scared If I let you into my messy world, that I will hurt you again like I did when I accepted the secondment. I couldn't get the negative thoughts to stop Serena, it was like they consumed me,, I couldn't breath, I felt completely numb.. like they did when I was in Kiev and I just felt so alone."
Serena was holding the women tighter than she realized "So these thoughts have happened before?" Bernie nodded. "I felt so alone when I was there Serena, I know its what I deserved for going, but it was always so quiet and I couldn't distract myself, like I would in the army, or even here, the nights were long and cold" Serena cupped Bernie's cheek in her palm lifting her head back up so she could see Bernie's eyes. "Do you trust me Bernie?" Bernie nodded in response. "Ok, we are going to get through this one step at a time, but know this, you were not misreading the situation, I want you so much, I care about you more than you will ever know, but I intend to show you, each and everyday, until you are brave enough to trust the feelings you are having." Looking into her eyes, Bernie's muscles began to relax as her tears dried, the feeling of calm Serena had brought rising within her. Bernie tried to close the space between their lips, trying to communicate the feelings she was scared to speak. Serena responded by embracing her lips, this was a different kind of kiss than they had experienced in the theatre, or in their office before Kiev, this was a slow and caring kiss that communicated support and trust, holding their lips still as Bernie threw her arms around Serena needing the contact that she had been waiting on for so long. As their lips parted, Serena looked down realizing Bernies towel had opened, bit her lip, as she realized how close her hands were to Bernies naked body. "Right Ms Wolfe, lets get you dressed, I'm not sure how much longer I can restrain myself from touching your strong and hot body". Jumping up and walking to the bathroom, Serena came back with Bernie's clothes. Bernie dressed quietly, aware of how much she hadn't wanted Serena to see this side of her. Serena spoke as if she had read her mind "Bernie, thank you for trusting me enough to begin letting me in". As Bernie stood she put out her hand to Serena to help her up. "Will you let me buy you a drink after work?" Serena smiled never normally one to turn down a shiraz but on this occasion, thought twice thinking about the meltdown Bernie had just had. "Sure, how about we try that new coffee shop in town, its open late, we will have peace to chat without the FY1s wanting in on a round and I heard they do coffee just how we like it – Strong and hot."