The edge of something beautiful
Serena sighed as she awoke, all too familiar with the irritating beeping noises and harsh florescent tube lighting, which was replacing the natural sunlight and delicate radio she was used to awaking to. It was the second week she had been on this ward, the oncology ward, and as much as she was hating it she was still relieved (if somewhat surprised, admittedly) that she was not awaking alone. As she had done right since Serena had first collapsed, and been scanned on AAU before being admitted up here, Bernie was sitting in the chair beside her bed. This time she was sipping a cup of strong black coffee, and reading a book.
"Ahh, good, you're awake!" Bernie smiled upon hearing movement from the bed. Serena was becoming weaker and weaker, and even the slightest movement required so much effort for her. The various medications she was on to control the pain, and reduce the nasty side effects on the rest of her organs from the aggressive cancer were effecting her, and although she didn't like to admit it, she knew they were beginning to fail.
"Morning darling." Serena replied simply, squeezing Bernie's hand and smiling slightly. Strong, dependable Bernie – her big macho army medic, the one person in the world she could fully trust, had been there every step of the way. Even as Serena had crumbled, and Bernie wanted nothing more than to do the same, she had stayed with her, a positive constant every step of the way.
When she was first told, Bernie had been positive in the "You can have treatment, you can fight it!" way. When she was told it was untreatable, so far advanced and aggressive that all they could do was control the symptoms and try to stop the pain, she was positive in another way. Positive that Serena would have her support, that she would be there every step of the way, every day and every night.
She kept her promise, even now when there was no hope and nothing left to cling to.
They sat together, in companionable silence, until Serena's consultant came into the room, holding Serena's file, with a sombre look on his face.
"Serena. Bernie." He spoke in a soft voice, that of a well-mannered, kind gentleman who was so well prepared for what was to come.
"I'm so sorry. You are both doctors, so I see no point sugar coating this. The thing is, the drugs we were administering to lessen the impact of the cancer on your liver and kidneys is not working as it should. Your organs are finding it hard to process the medications in your body, and I'm truly sorry but that medication is no longer an option. There are no other alternatives." He spoke softly, pausing so they could both take in the news. Bernie turned to Serena, her eyes sparkling with unshed tears as she looked across at her pale, tired girlfriend.
"How long?" Serena asked, a lump in her throat. She'd known all along of course, that it was only a matter of time, that the medication to help her body would eventually become too much and start to do the opposite. It was a strange kind of acceptance; knowing one's fate and being totally powerless to do anything at all to change it.
"Days. Serena, I'm so sorry. I know this must be so difficult. We'll keep the pain relief going, and help you remain as settled as possible. I promise. If there's goodbyes you need to say, people you need to see, I suggest you do it now sooner rather than later." He smiled softly, Serena was a colleague, and although they had not worked together much or knew much about each other until her stay on his unit they'd quickly established a rapport, and although he knew he could not delay the inevitable it was one of the cases that really got to him.
The doctor left, leaving the two woman in the room alone.
"Bernie. I have some things I need to do. I've already sorted out all of the paperwork, and everything like that, the practical things. But I can't just go without saying goodbye." She spoke gently, rubbing Bernie's hand. As hard as it was for Serena, as she knew from her own experiences of grief it was always much harder for those left behind.
"Of course Serena, everything you want. What do you want me to do?" She asked, smiling slightly as she wrapped her arms around Serena, who had manoeuvred herself into a sitting position.
"I need to see Henrik. And Fletch, and Raf and Morven and… Jasmine. And Sacha. Zosia and Jac please too, them first. Anyone else who wants to come and see me is more than welcome too." Serena listed, mentally straining as she remembered everyone she needed to see.
"OK my love. I'll go to Darwin and get Jac and Zosia, and I'll sort things with Henrik so he can come and see you after ok? And I'll organise everyone else." She laughed gently, even though Serena was in this God-awful position, and even though there was so little to laugh, even smile about, it was amusing to see that Serena was just as demanding as ever. And she wouldn't change her for the world.
Minutes after Bernie had left in the lift, Jac and Zosia appeared by her bedside.
"Please, sit down." Serena smiled, gesturing towards Bernie's recently vacated seat and the chair next to it. Exchanging a questioning glance the two cardiothoracic specialists sat down, Jac slipping her hand into Serena's in an uncharacteristic display of affection. In the months after Eleanor's death, after everything that had happened with Jasmine they had become close, confidants as such, and Serena felt it was most important that she spoke to her whilst she still could.
"Jac. You're a brilliant surgeon, and a brilliant mum, and you've proved yourself to be an amazing sister. I am so proud of you, how much you have changed and how much you've grown as a doctor, but also as a person, since I first met you. I know you and Zosia are together, I know you've tried to hide it but – if you can learn anything from me and Bernie you can see how well we were accepted. If you're in love you should bloody well be proud of it!" Serena drawled, smiling as she saw the look exchanged between the two heart doctors.
"Serena, how did you know? I mean, you make a valid point, but?" Jac questioned, eyebrow slightly raised as she looked inquisitively towards the woman in the bed.
"Jac, you don't get to my age without noticing some things, and you're as clearly in love as I'm clearly never leaving this place. It's obvious, and it's obvious it's real because I know you Jac Naylor, and I know you'd not be all mushy if it wasn't the real thing!" Serena laughed, wheezing slightly.
"Zosia, again – I'm so proud of you. You've achieved so much and if nothing else seeing you wind up your dad amuses me no end, but you should be proud of yourself. You two, it's just natural. It's just right and it's like Bernie and I. You're lucky you've both found happiness, just hold on to it, please." Serena choked, the lump in her throat increasing as she thought about just how much she'd give to see them grow together.
After a few more pieces of exceptional (if a little insane) life advice from Serena, the pair went on their way, both hugging Serena and failing to choke back the tears as they left their dear friend, mentor and colleague.
Henrik was next, and he entered the room quietly. Exchanging pleasantries, Serena smiled, beckoning him to come closer. When he did she pulled him into a hug, crying softly into his shoulder.
"Henrik, I don't want to do this in front of the others, I really don't want them to see me like this. I'm scared. I'm dying and it's not fair and I don't bloody like it. Please please please look after yourself, don't hurt yourself for the sake of other people or this hospital. We all have a lot of respect for you, and no matter what you do, don't forget your family. Your son and your grandson both love you, don't be alone." She whispered, pulling him close into her. At first his body was stiff and rigid, but he relaxed, and comforted her. It was nice to know that she could fall apart around him, in a way she didn't want to with Bernie.
After a few more minutes of conversation, and Henrik promising to look after Bernie, he was gone.
The next people to come and see Serena were Fletch and Raf. She gave them both advice for their careers, for Fletch's children, and for supporting each other. They'd reminisced, shared anecdotes and conspired about their future, until Bernie had arrived back and it was time for them to go back to their wards. In Bernie's absence, Raf was back on AAU and it seemed unlikely he was ever going to return to Keller.
After lunch, Serena managed to say her goodbyes to Sacha, Essie and Dom, with a few words of advice about crappy relationships and finding 'the one' For Dom, who was still reeling after the relationship breakdown, abuse and subsequent arrest of Issac. It was hard, giving advice and being unsure how things were going to turn out, but it was something she had to accept.
After a sleep in the afternoon Serena was feeling more energised. She was off her drip, and although she knew it was inevitable her organs would struggle she felt better than she had done in the past couple of days. The afternoon was spent with Bernie, both of them cuddled up together on the bed discussing everything, from their childhoods to Bernie's plans for her future and the trauma unit.
Not long after she woke up, she received a text from Jasmine.
"Hey, can I come and see you? Jas x"
Typing out a reply, Serena encouraged her to come up, She'd made peace with Jasmine a long time ago, that night on the roof, and they'd become so close. Jasmine had been to see every day without fail, bringing her little gifts and treats, and offers of support. She'd also been amazing with Jason, and looking after Bernie. She was staying with Bernie and Jason at the moment, and Serena had something she needed to tell her.
10 minutes later and Jasmine was sat on the foot of Serena's bed, holding the older woman's hand.
"Jasmine darling, I have something to tell you." Serena began softly, gesturing for Jasmine to make herself confortable.
"I've decided, seeing as I've got no other dependants, and Jason has £375k from his mother's house, and he's going to move in with Alan full time, and Bernie has enough money for my house 5 times over… They don't need money or a house and Jasmine, I want you to be provided for in the future because you don't have any family to help you… I've left you my house in the will. It's currently been valued at £400,000, and you can sell it, rent it or live in it, it's entirely up to you." Serena explained, holding the girl's hand tight.
"Serena… I can't take that, you know I can't. You don't need to do that. It should go to Jason, or Bernie at least… I don't deserve that." Jasmine protested, tears in her eyes.
"Darling, it's exactly what you deserve. I want to know that you're going to be provided for, looked after. It is SO important to me." Serena protested, an air of calm in her voice, although it shook.
"Thank you. Thank you so much. I love you." Jasmine cried, tears rolling down her face. Although they'd started off and mentor and F1, then hating each other, they'd become so close over the past 6 months since Eleanor's death and for Jasmine, she knew it was going to be like losing her mum, even worse than losing her mum.
"Yes. Now, enough upset. Tell me about your plans for the future!" Serena smiled, settling herself comfortably against Bernie as Jasmine sat on the bottom of the bed. There were probably rules about having 3 people on one bed, in fact she was certain she'd had to enforce them before, but what harm would it do? She was with two of the most important people in her life, the third being Jason of course, but it was so unsettling for him to visit she didn't want him to see her like this.
Despite everything, she was happy. She was at peace, and calm, and prepared for everything the next few days were going to throw at her.
A/N: I cried a bit writing that tbh! I hope everyone enjoyed, the next chapter has much more Bernie and actual Berena so we have that to look forward to! Any comments do let me know :) xx