A/N: VIVA LA REQUEST YEARS! I did say I'd do a Not Going Home version of this, did I not? In the end it was simply too tempting to pass up. This is going a COMPLETELY different direction from "Life is Ramen" by the way. And by different direction I mean absolute plot-fucking-hilarity and INSANITY.
ALSO!
We've now got an annoying little twat known as Mizorebatj who apparently wants me to kill myself. Funny how he happened to show up RIGHT after I called out a certain anonymous hater. What has he said, you ask? Well, this for starters:
"You are garbage and anyone who likes your shit deserves to die."
Fun fellow, isn't he? His reviews literally consist of senseless hate as well as chanting "Kys" over and over again. I can only assume that means kill yourself. He also smacked my recent fic "Life is Ramen" with his hateful words, too. Read the review section there if you don't believe me. He's even blocked PM's to himself so no one can get back at him.
Now, that DID make me very upset, but then I realized something.
THIS IS FANFICTION. Our. Fiction. Not yours. You do NOT dictate how we write~!
Mizore, dude, for every one person like you, I have a THOUSAND others backing me up, telling me not to quit. I can't please anyone, but its bullies like you that give humanity a bad name. So, sorry, I won't be "do the world a favor and die" anytime soon, or at all for that matter. Go ahead and hate all you like, but at the end of the day, you're just adding to my review count! So that is all I have to say about THAT.
U mad, bro?
If he starts to harass anyone else, I suggest you report him as I and the rest of my fanbase have. We don't have to stand for this kind of foul behavior!
I wouldn't be surprised if he tries attack me again, but what you gonna do? Haters gonna hate.
Oh, and Mizore? Your constant hate only belittles you and you alone.
...
Now, off we go! I tease many different things here!
And let's clear something up.
Time-wise, this chapter starts during the events of Life is Strange shortly after Max gains her powers...
"You just had to mess with reality again, didn't you?"
...I have furthered the cause of girl on girl."
"What is that supposed to mean, oi?"
"It means my work here is done!"
~?
Timey Wimey
Well.
I think I may just accidentally broke another universe.
Wait, wait, WAIT!
Its not my fault!
I can explain!
Really!
So here's what happened. After a few days of poking and prodding with various universes to varying degrees, I honestly found myself getting bored. Hell, I even stuck my head into other realms with OTHER versions of myself for shits and giggles. And boy, wasn't that a mess! Ever fought a deity on equal footing? No? I fought one! And his wife! At the same time! Pretty sure the three of us ended up warping most a galaxy before we finally called a truce. If you can call a "I got my balls ground to paste by an angry demoness-turned-goddess" a truce, that is. To that, I say only this:
Fear Xanna.
FEAR her, I say!
Run away no jutsu!
The Reaching for a Dream universe is DANGEROUS! I'm never going back there again! Nope! Noping that something fierce!
So, in lieu of actually dying, I decided to venture back into the realm of video games. Again. This time, I wasn't just searching for something fun to do, but someone. See, getting my ass handed to me made me realize something. Other than the fact that I'm not fond of fire.
Y'see, I don't have an equal, myself.
I mean, Indy and Diny are sweet and Esdeath's powerful and all and Miya can kick my ass when it comes to swordsmanship. Don't get me wrong. I love 'em to bits. I love the rest of my girls too, but, none of them are really a peer when it comes to strength and ability. If I ever got into another tussle with someone who either matched or exceeded my power, they wouldn't be able to help me in time. That's when I got to thinking about it. TIME. The strongest weapon there is! And as luck would have it, a little bird just happened to know the perfect place where I could find such a time-wielder in this universe. Life is Strange, she called it. Not so Strange for me, but still!
Time travel is an interesting thing, wouldn't you agree?
So when I felt someone messing with the very fabric of reality as we knew it, I just HAD to take a peek.
And I found a rather interesting gem this time around!
Of course said gem would later break reality.
Meh.
I.
Regret.
NOTHING!
Long live the Log!
But hey, lets start from the beginning...
(...A Heartbeat Later...)
"Psst! Hey! Maxy! Over here!"
Max Caulfield nearly jumped out of her skin as a clawed finger reached across the class and poked her in the back. Realizing she'd become capable of messing with time was one thing, but the sudden, jarring poke in the shoulder nearly sent her tumbling out of her seat and facefirst into the desk!
'What the heck?'
Only sheer incredulity prevented the college student from yelping outright. It did not, however, prevent her from jerking around in her seat and rounding upon the unfamiliar voice. A second passed. Then another, and another, and another still, her brown eyes still fixated upon the newcomer in the seat opposite her. At first, she didn't understand what she was looking at. The world seemed to have slowed to a crawl around her, as if someone had simply reached into reality and pressed pause.
There was Mister Jefferson, his mouth frozen in a question that, by now, she already knew the answer to.
She could see Kate hanging her head, preparing to flinch as a paper ball hurtled towards her face.
Someone had raised their hand, fingers frozen against each other.
Even the clock itself had ceased to move, its hands rigid and
Somehow, she was the only one aware of it.
"Did...Did I do this?"
"No, that was me."
Max turned her head.
Blinked.
Once.
Twice.
Three times.
In the end all she managed was a flat-sounding:
"What."
Merry bright blue eyes, gazed back at her, whiskered cheeks, pinked in an cheery grin. A pair of glimmering red horns jutted up violently from his otherwise pale saffron hair, lending him an almost demonic appearance as his gazed back at her with thinly veiled amusement.
In place of where Victoria once sat a young man now crouched, arms folded in voluminous sleeves.
"Yo!" A hand waved lazily from within said sleeves. "So, you're the one whose been messing around with time? You're...not what I expected, really. I thought I'd be dealing with a witch or something. But you? You look about as harmless as a fluffy little kitten. Not that there's anything wrong with that, ya know!" he grinned, flashing pearly white teeth. "But hey, I've been through this shtick too many times to count by now, so lets cut the dramatics and introduce ourselves, neh?"
His palm twitched, extending forward.
"Nice to meet you. I'm Naruto Uzumaki. Multiverse deity. Mind not freaking out, dattebayo?"
Incredibly, she found herself obeying.
"Great!" the now-named blond grinned. "Now its your turn." Expectant azure eyes turned towards her. "Shake?"
"I'm not a dog!"
Naruto blinked.
"Of course you're not." a flicker of annoyance danced through the dark depths of his eyes, gone when she looked straight at him. "I'm trying to treat you as an equal." he clarified, extending his arm another inch. "Now, would you kindly shake my damn hand so we can continue the story?"
"Oh. Wait, story?"
A cheeky grin plucked at those whiskered cheeks.
"Yes, a story." he elucidated, laughing. "The author is but a slave to my whims. He writes what I wish him to!"
A beat of silence passed between them.
"What...are you, exactly?"
"I'm not going to use the horny joke." the blond deadpanned. "Nope!"
"Fine. What did you do with Victoria?"
"I may have dumped her in the bay." the deity replied offhandedly. "Meh, she'll live. I think."
Max couldn't help herself.
She snorted.
"You think?"
"Hey, I'm not good with math. I don't know what terminal velocity is these days."
'That's it. I'm going crazy. I must be. This is all a bad dream...
"Not a dream, mad Max." Naruto chimed. "You're woefully sane. A pity really." his grin grew as her eyes widened. "I find its always the quiet ones that snap the hardest. Oh, I could tell you some stories, there!"
"How did you...?!"
"God, remember?" a clawed finger rose, tapping his forehead. "Telepathy's pretty basic for me."
"You expect me to believe you're...god." she frowned.
"Yup. Well, not the god of this universe. They're dicks."
...huh."
"You don't believe me." he took her skepticism in stride, levering himself up off the desk and chair. "Its alright, most people don't. But you will."
His blue eyes seemed to dance with mirth, distracted yet focused all at once, paying no notice to their surroundings whatsoever. It gave her a chance to realize what the hell was going on, here. His state of dress was almost comical in its absurdity and outlandishness; she didn't see a single matching piece anywhere amongst his odd attire.
He couldn't have been stood out more if he tried.
All violet and pewter sleeves with light scarlet plating scattered haphazardly near the joints and other odd places, random bits of armor flowing up past a strange belt with strange cerulean-colored spheres tethered around his waist and an equally strange metal cylinder, all the way up to a garishly white-washed breastplate, a strange metal piece that seemed to shift and waver into different colors when she looked at it directly. If Max had to guess, he looked as though he just walked out of one of those eccentric anime-cons.
What was it with this guy and bright colors?
Could you possible make more of a statement?
And there, tethered to his back by a thick orange-of course it was orange!-strap and, somehow defying the very laws of gravity and physics themselves was a giant...something. Max hesitated to call it a sword because it clearly wasn't. If anything it resembled a giant, metallic, fleshy scythe, shimmering bleakly with the souls of the damned. It screamed vile on an almost primordial level, and just looking at it made her head hurt. How he sat in the chair with that thing was beyond her...and notimportantrightnow!
Girl!
Gun!
Bathroom!
Running out of time!
"Look, I need to go! I don't have time for this!"
Bolting to her feet she tried to push past him, only to find he'd moved to block her; inexplicably shifting from one plane of existence to another to bar her path.
Then he noticed her expression.
"What?" came the frown. "Why the long face? You look like you've seen a ghost!"
By now, Max was sorely confused.
Try as she might, she couldn't bring herself to understand what was happening; she knew on some level that she had to save the blue-haired girl from the bathroom, but "Naruto" seemed intent on barring her way until she answered his questions. That left her glowering at the interloper, powerless to make him budge. Out of sheer desperation she rewound time and tried to step around him; only to find her way barred yet again at the very moment she ceased affecting time as the hulking blond once more moved to intercept her, a hand locking around her wrist.
"Let me go!"
"Oho!" he grinned, tugging her close. "Sneaky! I didn't sense a thing!"
"What do you want?!"
Incredibly, this time, the rogue answered.
"Aha," he snapped his fingers jarringly. "And now we get reach the heart of the matter. As I said before, I'm Naruto, your average orange, ramen-eating, prank-loving, dimension hopping deity, who happened to be in the neighborhood when I felt that little ripple in time just now. That's a pretty neat gift you've got there." absently he eyed her hand, turning it over in his grasp. "Its not chakra-based, so I'm willing to guess you didn't train to get it. This universe doesn't have chakra, so not a bloodline. So? How'd you do it?"
"I don't know, okay?!" Max railed against him, struggling to escape the vice on her wrist to no avail, "It just happened! Just move, damnit! I don't have time for this shit!"
Naruto scoffed.
"On the contrary, you have plenty of time!"
"Please!"
To her disbelief, it actually worked.
"Done."
Naruto simply released her wrist and let her stumble past. Freed from his grasp Max tripped backwards, nearly slamming into Mr. Jefferson's frozen form. Somehow she managed to skirt around the petrified teacher by the narrowest of margins as she hastened for the door. She half-expected to find herself blocked again by the bemused blond but no-incredibly the door turned easily in her hand, even as the rest of the room remained unmoving like so much glacial ice around her. Disbelieving, she risked a glance back at him, only to find the horned deity absently fiddling with a speck of dirt beneath his nails.
"Why'd you let go?" she whispered.
"I said, done." Naruto replied cheerily. "All you had to do was ask nicely. Buh-bye Maxy. Say hi to Chloe for me! I'll be visiting you later!
"Huh?"
"Oops, spoilers! Just go!"
To the deity's disbelief, she actually dithered a moment, waffling beneath those words. But in the end her own anxiety-and the need to be a good person-took over and she bolted like a deer in the headlights. He'd have to help her get over that crippling fear and shyness someday. Ah, but there would be time for that later! Ha! Time. As easy as it might seem to some, stopping time in a localized space wasn't exactly kid's stuff. Draining didn't even begin to describe it. Forcibly fucking reality and rewinding it altogether, that was another matter. Even he couldn't do that with impunity.
Ah, but Max Caulfield could.
As many times as she wanted.
In that instant, Naruto liked this girl.
She had spirit!
Even so, the horned deity waited until he was wholly certain she'd gone. He didn't want her getting caught up in what he was about to attempt. Oh, he would eventually unbend reality and let all events flow down their predetermined pathways. Until he decided to subvert them, that is. Subverting was so fun~! Like he'd done with those little birds way in Shinto Teito back when. He'd always thought turning the entire capital inside out and splattering Minaka's remains across it was one of his finest feats. The universe hadn't even fought him on that one!
But this time, in the coming days, he was determined to exceed even that.
He was going to push this world until it finally pushed back.
Whatever forces or deities ruled this humdrum world did not enjoy being fucked with. Fate did not savor subversion and destiny despised being denied. Chloe Price was meant to die today. They had decreed it. The loom had been spun, her thread measured, the scissors readied. Yet, because of Max's strange gift, her thread was not cut. Chloe lived on. So Fate and Destiny-so used to having their way-threw a hissy fit. Thus, they lashed out in a series of cascading events that threatened to destroy everything as she'd ever known.
A fact he was relying on.
Pressure reality enough, and they'd make an appearance. Push anyone-or anything-hard enough and they'd either lash out or simply run away. Naruto was banking on the former.
They'd show, sooner or later.
And once they did, he'd have all he wanted and more.
There was a silence. And then.
And then:
Naruto grinned.
"Boys!"
Whistling softly to himself, he materialized a bucket of pain in one hand, and a paintbrush in the other. A thought summoned a handful of clones, each armed with similar implements. Each knew their task from the very moment of their birth; each did not need to be told what to do. They did not ask questions. They simply did as they were told. Of course, one would be lying if he said they didn't enjoy their assignments. They were part of him after all, and there was a certain impish gleam in their eyes as they awaited his command.
As such, Naruto took great relish in declaring:
"Execute protocol Orange Gamma!"
The first of his four copies saluted and leaped through the nearest window, shards of glass drifting lazily through the air at his departure.
The second performed an about face and phased into the floor.
The third gathered itself up and shot into the ceiling.
The fourth simply took the door.
Naruto took a moment to savor the chaos that was to come.
Then he advanced on Jefferson, brush in hand.
"Let the games begin!"
A/N: And there we go.
ALL HELL IS ABOUT TO BREAK LOOSE~!
Also!
Noodlehammer is alive! He hadn't updated in a while, so I was really starting to worry for a bit, there.
Oh, and in case ya'll didn't know, his BRILLIANT "Reaching for a Dream" fic was what inspired me to first make the "Not Going Home" series as a whole. Collaborating with him would be a dream come true, but sadly I don't think that's going to happen in this lifetime. Still, kudos to the man himself for ever being an inspiration and a wonderful writer on this site!
Check out his works!
While we're on the subject, a few people have asked what would happen if his Naruto and mine ever went at it.
Besides utter CHAOS?
I can say with the utmost certainty that I'm certain HIS Naruto would beat mine into paste. Without a doubt. Oh, it'd be a fun fight, but my Naruto isn't known for fighting. He's more a laidback "fix your shit or I'll fix it for you" kind of guy with a complex for helping anyone who needs it. He doesn't wrestle with deities and other superpowers on a daily basis and he doesn't know half of what "Reaching for a Dream" Naruto does when it comes to Senjutsu and sealing. Alternatively he isn't the best at picking his battles, while Noodlehammer's is practically a damn veteran when it comes to taking high-class foes apart.
Also, Naruto AND Xanna versus my Naruto? Yeah, two on one guarantees almost instant death, there.
Now that I'm done singing the man's praises...
So...in the immortal words Atlas...
...Review, Would You Kindly? And of course, enjoy the preview! We advance further unto canon next chapter!
(Preview)
"You know, its been awhile since I've met someone who could mess with time."
Max frowned.
...and what are you suggesting?" she asked pertly.
Impossibly, the blond's grin grew.
"How would you like to become a Goddess, Miss Caufield?"
The silence was telling.
"Okay, twist my arm why don't you!" the blond muttered. "I'll even include your friend Chloe."
...pretty sure you shouldn't."
Naruto blinked.
"Really? I think she'd be perfect."
Naruto grinned.
It was all teeth.
"You have one second to shoot me, Nathan-kun. If you don't, you lose the arm. Of course if you do, I'll BREAK the arm."
"Fuck you!"
"Wrong!"
Prescott might be a big name where Blackwell Academy was concerned, but Naruto had no way of knowing that. Nor did he particularly care, for that matter. So when the entitled little twat squeezed off a shot, Naruto retaliated the only way he knew how. With excessive force. Breaking the brat's arm. Followed by his leg.
Muscle memory was a hell of a thing.
"See, you should've just shot yourself. Would've been easier!"
"Do you have any idew who I am?!"
"Nope! And the other arm goes breeeeeaaaak~!"
"AARGH!"
Hope ya liked it! R&R! =D