My first fic – Hope it's not too boring or too poorly written. Trying to bold the words didn't work out too well, so, oh well… (S) signifies a shift between the active narrative (the diary account) and the passive narrative (past memories or present events). I know it's gonna be unbearable. Forgive me.
Please note:
Angel – Goku
Amber – Sanzo
Kyle – Hakkai
Ken - Gojyo
After time
The woman stared out of the window at the empty road beyond, looking to the world like a mother anxious for her child's return. But it was already past three, and there was a boy in his late teens upstairs working on his homework with a blaring stereo.
The woman took a furtive look at the colourful book beside her and finally, with obvious reluctance, fumbled for a pen on the counter and started tentatively:
(S)
Debbie,
Maybe it's starting to get to me. The fact that Angel's not coming back.
(S)
She paused, and slowly lifted her head to the window. She stiffly forced her attention back to her book.
(S)
I've been waiting for so long. But what am I waiting for? She has another home now. But how could she? Even if she really had feelings for that bitch, I'm her mother after all. I'm not content. I want her to return. But, at the same time, I want to slap her so badly that it'll be better for her to never come back.
You're right, after all, I guess. I need an outlet.
Perhaps it was my fault that Angel turned out the way she did. I was, after all, absent when she was at her most vulnerable. Despite what many other people will say and do, I find it perversely comforting to blame. Yes, many factors were out of my control, but that didn't mean that the loss was inevitable from the start. I just played my cards wrong, somehow, somewhere, and that had cost me my daughter.
I suppose an introduction is in order. I'll keep things simple, because I don't want to waste time getting to the point and partly because even back then there were already some bitter memories I don't wanna rake up.
(S)
She looked up again.
(S)
There's my son, Anthony, and of course, there's my daughter, Angel. There's nothing wrong with Anthony. The boy is probably the sanest among us. Being more than a full five years younger than Angel, he was shielded by his age from the brunt of his father's betrayal and his sister's unfortunate rape.
The two incidents happened within a month of each other. Angel was fifteen, more than old enough to understand why her father wouldn't be returning, when an amorous classmate deemed it fit to try to hit on her. The outcome wasn't pretty both ways – after Angel had been stained, she gathered herself and retaliated. She damaged his spine enough to paralyse him for life. The degree of bloodlust she had was staggering (she was actually trying to tear his limbs apart when the help she called for finally arrived), and even after the injuries were dismissed as acts of self-defence, Angel had to be sent for counselling.
(S)
Even as Isabella coldly regarded the bloody boy sprawled on the floor, she saw wine red in the raven hair and blue eyes and a much older visage in the face of the youth. To her, his eyes and lips were curled not with pain and fear but with pleasure. It was like she was once again standing at the door of the motel bedroom.
Throughout their eight years of marriage, Kyle was almost everything any woman could ask for in a man. He was a valuable worker, a loyal friend, a patient husband and a loving father.
He was a chaste man, proper to the point of being flawed. He was incompetent in bed, to the extend that after Anthony's birth he started to abstain from it. Isabella was naturally disappointed but reasoned to herself that one couldn't have everything in life. Indeed.
Her husband had been getting it on with his boss all along.
(S)
Even while I was meant to be there to comfort my own daughter in her time of need, I was unable to get past my own wound. It was a triple blow to Angel – she had lost her virginity, her father and her mother. Kyle did try to get to her, of course, but I had vengefully denied him time and again, though he would definitely have done her good. It had hurt Angel, but she wouldn't say a thing.
(S)
It was heart-warming and amusing at the same time. Isabella watched as her husband and his best friend and would-be boss Ken tried hopelessly to catch the hyperactive three year-old. The screeching young banshee evaded capture once again, and the two men finally gave up.
"Angel!" Called Kyle. The girl kept running. Isabella frowned. It was taking their daughter an awfully long time to respond to her name. But that wasn't what disturbed her…
"Goku!" Called Ken, "We give up! Come back, squirt!" Angel ran back to them instantly and looked up at them hopefully.
"She'll never learn her name if you won't use it." Chided Isabella.
"Well, she does respond to 'Goku' better, doesn't she?"
Angel, impatient for her snack, yanked Ken's long red hair. He jerked, "You chibi-"
"Here's your snack, darling." Kyle interrupted carefully, directing their attention back to the little girl who was now devouring her cookies with great gusto, "Such an appetite…"
Angel grabbed her snack tray suddenly, then rose and settled herself between Kyle and Ken on the grass. Isabella couldn't help admiring and resenting the chemistry between the three.
(S)
That, of course, was the period of vulnerability I was referring to. For a long time after that, Angel feared physical contact, darkness and most of all, isolation. She had frequent nightmares too. I wasn't there. I referred her to some psychiatrists, drove her personally to school and back, and splurged on her when I had the extra cash to. But I wasn't there. I knew, and I was guilty, but I just wasn't ready. And after a while, she didn't need me anymore. It was like she had some kind of self-defence mechanism within her that broke out whenever she neared the edge. She had tried to confide in me of course, but while I had been happy to see her get better, I had disappointed her severely when I didn't believe she could get better at all.
(S)
"Mom, something nice really happened to me last night. And I really feel like I'll burst if I don't tell anyone soon." Angel looked imploringly at her mother. She was delighted when the older woman smiled and made herself receptive.
"Last night, I dreamt I was chained in the stone cave again." She chattered excitedly, "I was longing for the sun as usual, then suddenly someone showed up to and peered at me through the cave. It was so beautiful: his hair was shining in the sun, no, in fact, he was shining all over."
"He?" Her mother raised an eyebrow.
Angel flushed slightly, "I really don't know… He looked like a man but he was wearing some really funny robes but I really can't tell. But that's not all!" She beamed, holding out two outstretched palms, "He held out his hands to me like these, and then – and then the chains were gone. Just like that. I was free."
Her mother noted the blush and the slight glazed look in her golden eyes suspiciously, "I trust that's not all?"
Angel snapped out of her reverie immediately, "No!" She cried out too quickly, "That's it, really!"
"I see." Angel hated that tone.
"You don't believe me, do you?" She asked softly.
"How and why should I not believe you?" Angel pouted. Her mother reeked of deliberate patience. "It's just your dream, Angel. Anything can happen in dreams. I understand that you're going through a tough time, but I hope you are not planning to rush headfirst into a relationship with another boy just to gain some relief from your nightmare."
"No, I'm not. I'm getting better from the rape already." Angel said quietly, silently angry at the insinuation. She had been raped, she had come to terms with it. It seemed to her, however, that her mother was still traumatised by the double blow. The latter had blanched visibly at the word. It wouldn't do then to tell her too much about the dream.
"That's good. You can always come to me for comfort if you need it."
"I will." But her trembling fingers twisted themselves behind her back.
(S)
I was still too caught up in my aversion to sex and homosexuality to care.
She turned her efforts to studying and so it came as little surprise that she could study her way into a prestigious private school. We were, however, puzzled by her choice since she had always detested the snobbish. Perhaps she really wanted to seek a new start like we had wanted to believe. Perhaps she went there because she knew what, or rather, who she was looking for was there.
(S)
Amber was more than aware that she had nihilistic tendencies. She was usually bored with school, with the house, with life and with everything. It therefore came as a personal surprise that she was actually eager to start yet another school year. She arrived at school much earlier than usual, found her new classroom for the semester, and sat patiently with her gaze at the door. Change was coming, that much she somehow anticipated.
The door cracked open and a small brown head darted in and back out on seeing her. The brunette stepped back to check the room number. Amber sat up lazily and ran her eyes over the newcomer's attractive petite figure and lovely golden-eyed face. The new student gave her a soft, almost loving smile.
Amber slowly coaxed her own poker face into returning the gesture. Then, allowing her facial muscles to slip into the more comfortable smirk, she gestured to the seat beside her. The brunette timidly slipped into the seat, "Will anyone mind?"
"Free seating on the first day."
"I see." Angel silently debated with her courage before she bravely ventured, "Are you Sanzo?"
"No."
"Oh… sorry."
Amber chuckled, "Baka saru."
Angel looked up immediately, "Huh?"
Amber rolled her eyes, "A Sanzo is the highest rank attainable by a Buddhist monk. Do I look like a monk to you?" She leant back and slid her elbows over the next desk in a casually seductive pose, "Stop looking so pathetic. If you want to talk to me, the name's Amber. I don't think your name is Goku, so what do I call you in public?"
"Angel." Amber noted her slight embarrassment in amusement.
"Oh?" She smiled, " So… How many 'angels' actually have memories of engaging in hot sex with priests?"
Angel flushed, but solemnly turned away, "I don't really know why I'm explaining this, but just in case you wonder why I behave funny sometimes, I was –"
"I know. You don't have to say anything. Now look at me."
Angel obliged… and found Amber's lips on hers.
The blonde pulled slightly and faced her steadily, "I still read the papers, you know. Forget that. It won't happen again."
Angel smiled and they kissed again. Then she grinned impishly, "Can I borrow your cell phone?"
Amber frowned, "Don't you have your own?"
Angel scowled, "My mother checks mine to make sure that I'm not contacting my dad. They're separated for now. I want to arrange a meeting between you and him."
"Why would I want to meet your father?"
"Because," With a last glance at Amber before the first outsider entered, Angel straightened herself. "You'll want to. Trust me."
"Humph. Later."
(S)
Whether it was a surprise or not, Angel's life changed drastically for the better. She had been popular in her middle school – what else would be expected out of a girl who was very pretty, very athletic and very friendly? – but her popularity in her new school was astonishing. Her open, sincere nature made her a breath of fresh air. Her talent in sports and field events was quickly noticed and her willingness to help out with the school activities was eagerly exploited. She was generally admired by her peers, and later even worshipped by some of her juniors. She made a best friend.
Amber Watson.
(S)
Isabella jerked up from her writing and looked at the window imploringly. When nothing happened, she glared at the name she had written.
(S)
The girl was filthy rich, no doubt about it. She was the orphaned niece of a supermarket chain magnate. Apparently, her busy and negligent uncle had his own successors and was merely raising her to return a favour to her late mother. No matter. She had her own substantial fortune waiting for her on her twenty-first birthday. This much came from the rumours I chanced to hear.
(S)
"This is Amber, guys." Beamed Angel in delight as she make way for the girl behind her, "We've been classmates and friends for three months now. Amber's really smart! She's got full scores for all the tests we've had."
"Nice to meet you." Amber said in a monotone. Anthony nodded dumbly, already bowled over by her beauty.
Isabella discreetly observed the guest as she gave her own hostess' smile. The girl was slim and elegant, with shoulder-length golden blonde hair and captivating violet eyes. Her neat appearance and impeccable poise contrasted sharply with Angel's casual and friendly behaviour, and yet, despite all that, the two looked adorable side by side.
Perfect scores too, huh? Beautiful and smart. No wonder Angel sees her as some sort of idol.
"Oh shut up already." Isabella snapped up at Amber's response to Angel's gushing. There were no signs of discomfort or embarrassment; the other girl merely looked irritated. Isabella was irked and indignant when all Angel did was to apologise and smiled sheepishly. Her daughter then excitedly pulled her friend up the stairs, "My room's the first on the right…"
(S)
It was easy to see why Angel worshipped her. But I had intuitively taken an instant dislike to her. There were two vice for her every virtue. When she wasn't trying to keep up with appearances, she was blunt. She was bad-tempered. She was spoilt. She was insufferably proud. She was uptight. She had the horrible tendency to vent her frustrations on the people she was close to, namely Angel. And she was obscenely violent for a girl. One would be hard-pressed to earn a kind word from her.
Yet, Angel had clung to her like a leech.
And Angel was truly happy with her, abuse, glares and all. It was inexplicable, but Angel's smiles were brighter than they had ever been in her life. In spite of the occasional spat, the two stuck together. They went to school together (Surprisingly, Amber was the one who waited for her more often than not), studied together every weekend and if they dated at all, they went on double dates. We even settled into a comfortable system: Amber took care of Angel's lunches on school days and she stayed over with us whenever her uncle's family toured overseas during their school breaks. Angel provided Amber with company and good humour. The latter helped with Angel's schoolwork and grades.
The picture was too perfect. I was to learn that it was a front. The pretence would have gone on infinitely, if not for Thursday afternoon.
Anthony had been waxing the floor when Angel returned, wet, muddied and in an exceptionally foul mood. A confrontation had naturally ensued and Anthony spilled the beans in his rage.
(S)
"Look! It's Thursday and your party is tomorrow. Let me clean myself up and I'll clean this up later. Now stop being such an ass!"
"Oh, look who's the ass? You promised me that you wouldn't get in the way of my party prep! Liar!"
"What would you have me do? God, Ant, I'm really not in the mood for this right now."
"What's the matter? Fought with your darling Amber?"
Isabella came down the stairs in time to see the panic on Angel's face. Angel shot her brother a warning look. It went unheeded.
"Mum, do you know what happened last Sunday when you went to the gym?"
Isabella shook her head, wondering how the quarrel could have involved last Sunday.
Before she could question Anthony, Angel turned to her, "It's nothing, Mum. It's my fault. I shouldn't have tracked mud all over the place. Just let me clean myself up and I promise I'll clean this up, ok? Ant's just so angry he doesn't know what he's saying anymore."
"Lying bitch-" With Anthony's thoughtless insult, the victory was obviously Angel's.
"Keep up with that language and your party's cancelled. Angel, you may go and clean up."
Angel gave her mother a grateful smile and went up.
"Damned bitch lied through a straight face…" Muttered Anthony darkly. He was shocked out of his swearing when Isabella spoke to him, "Tell me about Sunday."
"You don't believe her, do you?"
"I want to hear both sides, Ant. You're assuming too much."
"At least I'm not a fibbing lesbian."
Isabella was stunned into silence.
"They obviously thought that no one would be around. The guys decided they wanted to play baseball after all, so I was up to get my stuff. Saw them making out with each other."
"With who?" Isabella asked, though she already had an idea of who it was.
"Amber. Who else could it be? Angel positively freaked out when she saw me. She ran after me, begged me not to tell, and bribed me with her new choker. Amber just stared at her like she was filth then grabbed her stuff and left."
"Those are wild accusations, Ant. Are you sure you know what you're saying?"
"Of course I'm damned sure. It's the truth. Look at this." He shook the choker around his neck roughly. "And you can see for yourself just how fine a temper Angel's been having all week. Problems with Amber, I wouldn't wonder. I would have given such a freaking useless girlfriend worse."
"Mind your language, Anthony." Isabella said coldly, "I expected better out of you. It's not Angel's fault she tracked mud over the place. It is raining heavily you know."
Anthony regarded her in disbelief and stormed into the kitchen wordlessly.
Upstairs, the first door on the right slid shut silently.
(S)
I had shut Anthony up, but despite my words, I did believe him. While I could not understand Ant's animosity towards the situation, I was sure that he couldn't have gotten so upset over nothing. His words made sense too. Throughout the week, Amber did not show up at our place at all and Angel had been crabby and sullen.
Therefore, when Angel called home the very next day to say that she'd be over at Amber's for a bit, I was immediately suspicious enough to make my way there.
(S)
"Amber, wait up!"
The blonde went on with her rapid pace. When the brunette behind her started jogging after her, she started to run. Angel cursed and broke into a sprint. She had to get to the other girl quickly. Although she was faster, Amber could easily throw her off her trail. She caught up and grabbed the blonde's arm, only to see the latter's fist hurtling towards her. She stood her ground and grimaced at the resulting pain in her jaw.
Amber wrenched her arm free and leant against a lamppost with an unreadable expression as Angel tried to work her aching jaw. Impatient, the blonde kicked herself up, grabbed Angel and pinned her on the lamppost. To Angel's delight, she laid her hand on the injured jaw and massaged it gently.
"God, you're annoying."
The comment was spoken in Japanese, a signal that the conservation was to be carried in kind.
"Sorry."
"Stop being stupid."
"No, I meant I was sorry about Sunday."
The rubbing stopped. Angel continued, "It's not like I'm ashamed of being with you or anything. I was just afraid that my mom would find out. You know about Hakkai and Gojyo. It made her homophobic and I was scared of what she would try to do if she caught us together. Not that I don't get regret trying to bribe the brat though. He snitched on me anyway."
"What did you do to piss him off?"
"Nothing, okay? It was raining when I went home and I dirtied the floor he was waxing. Then again, it's got nothing to do with the floor."
"Your brother's homophobic as well, then?"
"More so than my mom can ever understand. And she thought she was the only one who was damaged by Hakkai's affair. But I don't think that's all. From what I see, the kid probably had the hots for you too."
"So what now?"
"We let things be for the moment." Amber missed the uncharacteristic calculating look in Angel's eyes since she already had her back turned.
Amber walked off.
"Sanzo!"
"After-school lunch time, baka saru. Or have you forgotten?"
Angel happily followed Amber, who was now walking at a much more reasonable speed. She slipped her fingers around Amber's.
"Sanzo?"
"What?"
"Do you want to give it a try?"
Amber stopped and stared at her, "Are you sure you're ready? Don't force yourself if you don't want to."
"Stuff like that should be forgotten as soon as possible. I want to see if I can finally get over it. Besides," Angel coquettishly trailed a slender finger from her lips down to her collarbone, thoroughly enjoying Amber's reaction, "You're just too darn sexy. I can't stand it anymore."
Amber tightened her grip, "Just for that, you won't get lunch."
They ran the rest of the way.
(S)
I could still remember that horrid day.
It had been all too quiet. Only the servants were around. Their employers had gone on another holiday. I had found Amber's room, and had cautiously opened the door a little…
And I was at the door of the motel bedroom again. Only the brunette on top wasn't Kyle this time.
I was in for a few rude discoveries.
Angel was hardly an angel in bed.
(S)
"Are you ok, miss?" A maid inquired when she saw Isabella standing numbly at the door. She approached the stricken woman.
Amber gasped at the maid's question and turned to the door. Angel calmly looked at her mother as if she had been expecting her all along.
"Is anything the problem?" Amber hastily shoved her lover under the covers. She then wrapped them tightly around her chest and addressed the maid who was now at the door.
"Nat, please take Mrs Williams to the dining room and entertain her for a while. When Angel comes back from the restroom, we will go down and meet up with her."
"Yes, Ms Amber." The maid hesitated, "Is there a problem, Ms Amber?"
"Angel wanted to give me a back massage. That isn't a problem, no?"
"No, of course not. This way, Mrs Williams." Isabella gritted her teeth and followed the maid.
Amber threw the covers off and dressed herself in silence. Angel did the same.
As the blonde smoothed her hair, Angel left the room and made her way through the corridor, "If you're coming, don't take too long."
Amber whirled around quickly, shocked and hurt. She savagely threw down her brush and rushed out to Angel, forcing the other girl into a searing, desperate kiss. When she finally registered the tears on her face, she turned and ran down to the dining room, wildly dabbing at her eyes at the same time.
Angel lifted a hand to her lips and smirked, "Baka."
When Angel arrived at the dining room, Nat informed that her mother had insisted on waiting at the door. Amber and Isabella were already there, and they were both blatantly ignoring each other.
"Let's go home, Angel," Said Isabella coolly, "I expect you to have a shower the moment we get home."
"I will in due time." Replied Angel, "There's something we have to settle."
Both Isabella and Amber looked up at the golden-eyed girl suspiciously. Angel sighed and said simply, "I want to be with Amber."
(S)
She had absolutely no intentions of leaving the bitch.
(S)
"Why?"
"Why not? If it's not meant to last, then you have nothing to worry about. If it lasts, at least we've found something worthwhile in life, isn't it? What do you say? I'm not ashamed of this."
(S)
Angel was also prepared to defend what she had with the bitch.
(S)
"No." declared Isabella brusquely, "You're grounded. I'll send you to school and back like I used. I'll discuss this with the principal so that you two can get separated in school."
"If you destroy Amber's reputation, you'll destroy mine as well."
"I can be persuasive."
"Angel." Angel clamped her mouth shut when the blonde girl hugged her abruptly. Isabella looked livid, but before she could do anything, Amber released Angel.
"I give you my word that we'll stop seeing each other, and you leave the whole matter alone. Is that ok?"
"Why should I believe the words of a girl who's just fibbed with a straight face?"
"Trust me, there really is no way you can bring me down without damaging Angel in some other way, so don't even try. For her sake, and yours. I've never really been bothered by what others think of me, anyway."
Isabella grabbed Angel's wrist and towed her away. Angel mouthed something to Amber, who gave a small smile in reply.
(S)
Perhaps, what was most surprising to me was that the bitch really had feelings for Angel.
Somehow, something in the way she said it made me listen. Still, the battle was won.
And then I made another mistake. I compared her situation to her father's.
(S)
"Can't we work out something? I really want to be with her."
"Shut up."
"What do you have against us? I'm happy with Amber and she's happy with me. Isn't that what counts in a relationship?"
"Like father like daughter."
Angel flinched only slightly, but Isabella knew that the low blow had stung. Angel had adored her father, and was reciprocally his favourite. Even so, Angel stuck to her mother because she believed she was doing the right thing.
"We're not betraying anyone…"
Isabella refused to back down despite her own alarm and remorse, which turned out to be a serious mistake. For the first time in her life, her daughter turned her back on her.
Angel simply clenched her jaw and strode to her room without another look. Right or wrong no longer mattered. It was what she wanted that counted now.
It was a week before Angel would drop her bombshell.
(S)
The week between was peaceful but bland. Angel's cheer had lost its sparkle. Of course I knew, but I had been too caught up in triumph and control to give that observation a second thought. Then, Kyle called.
(S)
"Hello?"
"Isabella, It's Kyle." The kindly voice added quickly, "This is important, so please don't hang up."
"We've got nothing important to talk about between the two of us." Isabella was glad that her clipped tone didn't betray the anxiety she felt from hearing her ex-husband's voice.
"We do. There's Angel and Anthony."
Isabella's blood chilled, "We've gone over this before. The children are not going to you. You heard Ang-"
"Isabella, calm down. Please tell me what happened between you and Angel."
The silence that reigned for the next moment was tense. Isabella spoke again softly, "Angel asked to go with you, didn't she?"
"Please tell-"
"I knew it!" Screamed Isabella into the phone, "I knew it! You want to know what happened? Angel turned out to be just like you! That's what! I caught her screwing her 'best friend'! That's what happened!"
Kyle remained silent as Isabella sobbed wildly. The latter eventually calmed herself and spoke roughly, "You set the appointment and I'll come."
"Tomorrow, three. We have yet to settle the rest of our divorce proceedings too."
"You'll let them stay together right? Somehow I don't doubt that."
"If she doesn't see a chance for this relationship to survive under my roof, do you think she'd have begged me to take her in? Angel's finally learning to be selfish…"
"Damn you."
"I'm sorry. Good night."
"Kyle."
"Yes?"
"Did you love me?"
"Yes. Or I wouldn't have married you."
"Then wh - When did you stop?"
"I don't think you'll believe this – I still do. But what I have with, " He paused, "Ken is different. I've been in love with him for too long. Denial just didn't work."
"Then why did you still…?"
"I was too weak to look forward. You wasted yourself on me. I'm sorry."
"I don't understand." Said Isabella softly.
"I'm glad you don't. You'll have to go through it to understand. It may not be worth it to you, but I'm glad I met you, after all. But I believe what I did was inevitable. Nothing will change even if I'm given a second chance, so it's not your fault at all. Tell Ant I miss him."
"We can work something out."
"Perhaps. See you tomorrow."
(S)
And it was game over.
When Kyle came for her, Amber and Ken were there, too. Knowing they were not welcome, they stayed outside to load Angel's things on the car. I stood numbly in the corridor, until Angel swung me into the room and grabbed me into her embrace.
I realise now that I've had yet to give her one myself for a long time.
Then she was gone and I was alone in her empty room. I walked to the window, in time to see Amber catching her by the arm when she tripped from her run. Angel rubbed her eyes furiously. Amber spoke softly to her and tugged her into Ken's sports car. Once they were seated, Angel threw herself around Amber and cried in earnest. Amber quietly held her.
(S)
As Isabel recalled that afternoon, she remembered something else -"I was longing for the sun as usual, then suddenly someone showed up… His hair was shining in the sun… He held out his hands to me… Then I was free."
Isabella bit her lip as her eyes shimmered.
(S)
Funny how I've only started to realise some things when it's too late. Maybe, if I'd done this earlier, Angel wouldn't have left.
Much as I'll like to say more, I've got to sleep. Ant's got a game tomorrow. Maybe I'll turn up for once, just to show him that I'm interested in his life. Well, heck, I am.
(S)
The woman looked up from her writing in confusion after she was finished, as if she was at a loss with what to do after she had completed her single preoccupation for five hours. She stayed in her daze for a little while more like a fresh newborn, then got up and ambled towards the window. The road beyond was still empty. She turned away and headed up the stairs, pausing only to pick up the precious diary on the table.
Without breaking a stride, she opened the door of the bedroom – the first on the right – and left it open before entering her own room. Just as she was getting into bed, she suddenly tensed and reached for the diary again.
(S)
You know, you were right after all when you said that confronting everything on black and white would help. I've finally disrupted routine. That's a start. Maybe someday I may even recover enough to really allow you to read this. That'll be the day.
Isabella