The Neonate Paradigm
Synopsis: With Penny left in charge with her best friend Kate's baby cousin, she has nowhere left to turn than to let the guys take care of little Marianne until Penny returns from work. The problem is; the guys have *never* taken care of a baby before, so they are totally clueless. Hilarity abounds and explodes.
"I can't be impossible because I exist ! What you mean to say is 'I'm improbable'."--Sheldon to Penny.
Chapter 1--Bearer of Bad Tidings
Kate's cousin, Rachel had just come into town for a reunion and she and her husband had 'billions' of errands to run to get ready to host the humongous part for everyone attending. Needless to say, she was feeling overwhelmed, particularly when Rachel had left her in charge of her baby cousin, Marianne. Marianne was still a newborn and since the weather was becoming colder, Rachel had become a bit overprotective of having Marianne exposed to the elements.
"I want you to do a favor for me.", Kate began, oozing sweetness with every syllable that poured from her charming lips. Penny wondered what her friend Kate could possibly want. She had always been willing to help her in the past.
"What's up ? Did your job at Macy's schedule for overtime this Columbus Day weekend ?", Penny began. Kate sighed in frustration and nodded her head.
"And worse yet, I have been chosen to hostess our oncoming reunion. My dear cousin Rachel wants me to take care of her newborn daughter, Marianne. I wasn't strong enough to tell her I couldn't because I've taken care of little ones before and she knows I would do anything to help her out.", Kate said, feeling utterly hopeless. Penny could sense the strain and uselessness in her friend's demeanor.
"I'll see what I could do.", she said, wondering how she was going to help Kate out, because in all honesty, she didn't have any idea what she was going to do with little Marianne.
When Kate handed her little Marianne from Rachel, it was a rapid shuffle of unbridled chaos. The precious infant was hungry and crying, quite loudly. She did whatever she could to keep darling "Mary" quiet, but the baby wouldn't be assuaged. Kate drove to Penny's apartment and handed the baby to her.
"Here you go. I know you shouldn't have any trouble with her. Normally she's not this fussy but no matter what I try she won't calm down.", Kate said, already stressed out with the wailing child in her arms, tired from bouncing her, and seemingly dreading going back to work for the Columbus Day overhaul. Penny was definitely out of her league. She had never dealt with children before, let alone babies. Now she was shushing little Marianne and trying as hard as she could to settle her down, but it was obvious that she was in over her head.
Chapter 2--Passing of the Torch, or Baby, That Is
Raj and Harold had been out for the evening to get Thai carry-out. Raj would get his typical lamb curry, and the others would have various Thai dishes that were graded from mild to moderately spicy. The two (mostly Harold) had been out hitting on Asian girls in the restaurant and Harold was beside himself.
"I can't believe I actually snagged a number this time !", he beamed.
"Luckily, she's a twin and her sister was interested in me !", Raj added. The two had their hopes up about getting lucky later in the week but were soon informed, by a very sober, stoic Sheldon that there was a baby in the house and Penny had just handed her to him.
"Did Penny get knocked up by Leonard and I didn't have the chance to hear all the naughty, saucy details ?", Harold asked, practically drooling in anticipation on his cell phone at the idea of Penny naked running around his lascivious brain. Raj simply wrinkled his nose in disgust.
"No, you dolt ! This is her friend's cousin's infant. It seems I cannot cease her crying.", Sheldon said, clearly becoming concerned even though he didn't visibly express it.
"We'll be there momentarily. Where's Penny ?", Raj said, inquisitively.
"She had a migraine headache and went to lie down in her quarters. Be still, strange, impish being !", Sheldon said, clearly becoming frustrated with the infant. Without warning, the baby made an awful stink in her diapers and Sheldon was beginning to freak out. Instead of calmly asking for Penny, he began yelling for her. Penny almost burst into giggles when she saw how the stench of dirty diapers affected Sheldon.
"I'll take over from here. My migraine's not that bad.", she reassured him. As soon as she left to wipe Marianne clean and powder her, Penny placed a new diaper on the tiny girl and lifted her up into the air, making funny noises at her. For once, the baby seemed to be delighted, cooing and giggling in joy.
"Seems you have a knack for these neonates.", Sheldon commented.
"I really don't know the first thing about kids, Sheldon, but at least this seems to be working for the moment.", Penny confessed, continuing to keep Marianne occupied.
Harold was not delighted that there was a baby back at the 'man cave' as he liked to call Leonard's apartment where the rest of his friends would socialize. At least Penny was there helping out and providing advice and much needed assistance in feeding her but after a while, she was becoming tired and wanted to go to bed.
"I have a long day tomorrow. Could you guys watch Marianne while I sleep ?", Penny asked. Leonard had come in late from a meeting and had to be 'brought up to speed' with everything that had occurred in his absence. She handed the baby to him, and she seemed to like him the most out of all the other guys. Penny gave him a knowing look and he laughed nervously.
"Honey bun, we're not having children for a lonnnnnng time, but it's nice to know you have given me a vote of confidence in the child rearing category.", Leonard retorted, sweetly after giving Penny a kiss on the cheek gently before she trotted off to bed.
"Once you do have kids, I want to be their godfather.", Raj piped up. Harold looked at him with a supercilious grin and melted at the sight of the baby girl in Leonard's arms.
"She does seem right at home with you. Maybe I too could be considered a second godfather when you and Penny have little ones.", he admitted.
"That won't happen for quite a while, Harold.", Leonard noted.
"It is pleasant to think about though.", Harold replied with a gentle grin. Seeing how Marianne had become quiet in his arms, he decided to keep her cozily tucked away in them so she could sleep. He had to admit. Harold was absolutely right about his aptitude for babies. Perhaps he would become a grand father someday, but for now that consideration would be considered a distant reality.
Chapter 3--A Long Night
While Penny slept soundly before work with the aid of earplugs, Raj, Howard, Leonard and Sheldon were kept wide awake by Marianne's wailing. It seemed as though she was homesick and longing for her mama so badly that she wanted to declare it to the entire world through her barbaric screams.
"Hush, sweet child.", Harold said, endearingly as he began to prepare a bottle for her as Penny had showed him. Making the formula hadn't been hard at all. He could read directions and his skills at crafting the 'perfect lactate substitute' had been successful. He sang Marianne a number of Broadway hits to calm her as he fed her and for the first time, she smiled at him. Raj couldn't help but take a photograph.
"I'm sorry, but it was such a Kodak moment.", he quipped, sheepishly. Normally, Harold would've been annoyed at such a pointless and seemingly banal action but he found Raj's photo-taking to be delightful and grinned back in glee.
The guys were starting to feel run down after what they presumed to be 'eternal moments', pondering if Marianne would ever be returned to her mother. Fortunately, this was only for one night. One measly night at that, and none of them could ever remember being this tired, not even after cramming for physics tests and working into the wee hours of the morning with inventions or new formulas.
It was 3:00 am and it was now Raj's turn to take care of Marianne. She had soiled her diapers once again and Raj hadn't really enjoyed changing dirty diapers after all the exposure he had experienced with them. The stench wasn't too awful, at least, not in his estimation.
"Besides,", he mused to himself, "the tiny thing really is adorable." At least she wasn't crying now and she seemed to like all the guys equally.
"You really are easy to please aren't you ?", he cooed to the infant, nuzzling her nose lovingly. Marianne giggled and grabbed his nose playfully and he blew a raspberry on her tummy, which caused her to squeal in elation. Raj didn't want to admit it, but he had grown fond of 'Mary' and wondered what it would be like to have his own progeny playing in his home, once he had one of his own. He cradled the infant in his arms and sang a traditional Indian melody to her and soon her tiny blue eyes shut. Tenderly as he could, he placed her in the bassinet that Penny had brought her home in and covered her with a blanket to keep her warm.
"There you are precious one. Sleep tight and dream beautiful dreams.", he whispered as he tiptoed out of the room. The other men were observing him via webcam on Leonard's computer.
"Quite the father figure, aren't you Raj ?", Sheldon quipped.
"Oh…bite me.", Raj retorted, trying to act tough, but the guys saw right through his 'macho' façade.
"I think we all have and I believe we have all concluded neonates aren't so horrible. In fact, I may even become a paternal unit some day.", Sheldon mused aloud after a pregnant pause. Harold sniggered a bit but was able to disguise his chortling as 'nasal allergies'. The four guys stayed up all night watching their web camera, transfixed and fascinated by the little girl's movements as she dreamed and sucked her thumb through the night.
Chapter 4--Saying Goodbye
It wasn't until the scientists were awoken next morning by the pleasant 'awws' coming from Kate's cousin herself upon receiving her daughter into her arms.
"Who's mama's perfect little angel ?", Rachel boasted. The guys laughed heartily in their sleep-depraved state. Even though they hadn't slept a wink the night before, they had to admit that baby-sitting really wasn't so terrible. They could see why her mother adored her so dearly. Leonard wouldn't admit it but little Marianne was now a permanent fixture on his PC wall-paper. He prayed that Penny would never see the communal PC, but even if she did it would probably give her a new perspective.
Columbus Day had caused Penny to return to the 'bachelor's pad' a bit late at night. Amusingly enough, Sheldon was still online playing World of Warcraft, but he was also doing something else that piqued Penny's curiosity.
"Are you looking at baby photos, Sheldon ?", Penny queried, in the most saccharine timbre she could muster.
"I do not see what business it is of yours, Penny. What if I were ?", Sheldon replied, sarcastically. Penny thought it was rather endearing, but decided it was best not to probe Sheldon any longer. She sneaked out of the den quietly back into Leonard's bedroom to find him fast asleep. Grinning tenderly, she slipped under the covers and snuggled close to him, happy that she could spend another pleasant evening in his warm embrace. That night, she dreamed about the future they might have, with two gorgeous kids. She giggled at the thought, but then again, the idea of being a mommy wasn't so terrible. After all, her friend Karen had done such a great job taking care of Marianne when Rachel had been away at important meetings and Marianne knew her as a second mother. Besides, it felt nice to feel the softness of a baby's hands upon her skin.
"I know you don't want babies for a long time from now, Sheldon. But someday, I hope I can be a wonderful wife and an exceptional mother to the beautiful children we will someday have.", she vowed as the dream continued and she watched these incredible children grow. But as for now, it was only a dream and she was simply glad being near her 'little homunculus' through good times and bad.
Epilogue
Oddly enough, the 'neonate phenomenon' as Sheldon had labeled it was causing the guys to be closer to each other, and even less surprising, had caused Penny and Leonard to grow as a couple. Diwali was right around the corner, and Raj was hanging up lights in order to celebrate.
"Remind me why you are doing this again.", Harold began.
"I've already told you, it's to ward off evil spirits and to coax the light in as we begin another new cycle of life.", Raj said.
"Does doing this attract hot chicks ?", Harold asked, wriggling his eyebrows.
"For the last time, Harold…no.", Raj sighed and finished his decorating. Raj was pleased with his decorating arrangement and how it brought a hint of color and expression to the den. Penny and Leonard were watching television and noticed a splendid smell coming from the kitchen.
"What is that amazing aroma ?", Penny questioned.
"It's curry. Tonight, we celebrate !", Raj said. They hadn't had any idea that he had been cooking all day because they had all been so busy running errands they had overlooked Raj's homemade lamb curry. He had also had rice pudding he had bought from the store especially for this occasion.
"That's awfully thoughtful of you, Raj.", Sheldon stated, gratefully. Leonard and Harold agreed. The lot of them soon dug in to the sumptuous dishes, relishing the flavors.
"Here's to many more years of us traveling down the long, dusty pathway of life.", Raj said as he held up a can of Dr. Pepper.
"L' chaim !", Harold agreed with relish. They all cried 'L' chaim' in unison and drank, knowing that whatever the week had in store for them that they were better human beings now knowing what it was like to care for a life-force so fragile, helpless and dependant on others to provide it with love, affection and education.
The End