AN: Updated 4/12/13 - just a few changes made to make it even better and easier to read. I felt it needed a bit of fixing up as it's been almost a year since I originally wrote it! Hope both new and old readers will enjoy! And thank you for all the lovely reviews, I really appreciate them! x
"You really need to tell her." Abby said from the doorway of the hospital room.
She'd been there for a good 3 minutes already, watching the bruised and bloodied man stare transfixed at his mobile. She knew he was staring at a picture by the way he moved his finger across the screen every couple of seconds to light it up again; she knew it was a picture of Jess by the soft, gentle, and very rare smile on his face.
"Leave it, Abigail. It's none of your business," Becker muttered, turning his attention to Abby.
"You almost died today!" She was at his bedside in one swift move, "I will not leave it. Not after the emotional breakdown I witnessed back at the ARC."
Becker felt his throat tighten and he looked away from Abby as he thought of Jess back at the ARC having to watch him nearly die, unable to do anything. He imagined what her face may have looked like when nobody came to his rescue and he had to fight for his life, he imaged the face that went with the screaming he heard over his com before finally blacking out, unable to help himself anymore. He didn't want to know what she was like while he was blacked out, his body barely holding onto life by the time it was finally safe to call an ambulance in without fear of two dozen Utahraptors killing the EMTs. He still wasn't sure how he'd held on for so long and managed to kill the three raptors that had pursued him into the alleyway he finally blacked out in. He vaguely remembered falling to the ground as he tried to take out that last one, adrenaline finally wearing off from the chase and making him realize just how severe the bite in his arm was. He remembered whispering into his com "Don't worry, Jess, I got it." and somehow being able to aim one handed and through his slowly blurring vision. After a moment of shock, his military instincts kicked in and with the strength he could muster he'd torn apart his shirt to wrap around the wounds as best as he could. Then he'd slumped against the wall, trying to breath. He'd blacked out just after making eye contact with a fourth raptor and using the last of his strength trying to get back up. The last thing he'd heard was Jess scream his name.
"What happened after I blacked out?" He finally asked, turning his head to make eye contact with Abby again.
"The raptor got distracted by Connor running past. He didn't realize you were down there till Jess screamed about it over the coms. As soon as he finished off the raptor he ran back to you. He did all he could to make sure you were in a stable position, but we couldn't call in an ambulance till the last of those creatures were taken care of," she explained, her eyes glancing down at his wrapped up arm. "It's a real miracle that raptor missed your main arteries. It's the only reason you were able to last as long as you did."
He nodded his head as he took in the information, "I suppose I owe Connor big time, eh?"
"Becker —" Abby started, but she was immediately cut off.
"Abby, please. I don't want to hear about what it was like for her."
"Just promise me you'll tell her already. It's killing her more and more everyday you try to avoid it."
"I'm not avoiding it," he tried to say, but Abby was already walking out the door.
"Thanks for saving my life." Becker said as he raised his glass to Connor, a small smile of appreciation crossing his face.
"It's what friends do. I wasn't gonna leave you back there, mate." Connor smiled back, "Even if I'd wanted to, no way Jess would have let me. You should have —" Connor stopped abruptly, realizing how stupid that was to say. "Sorry," he said, glancing down at his feet, afraid to make eye contact with the soldier. "I just mean…there was no way any of us were gonna leave you behind, especially not Jess."
Becker swallowed hard and nodded his head, then took a sip of his beer.
"It's been a week. Maybe…maybe you should —"
"Don't tell me Abby's been talking to you." Becker cut him off.
Connor immediately regretted bringing the conversation up and turning their guy's night sour. It wasn't often Becker even agreed to do one, but this time it had been his idea, his way of thanking him and he'd gone and blown it.
"No…I just…never mind, forget it." Connor sighed, "Uhh…who's playing tonight?" he asked, glancing up at the pub's television.
"Chelsea and Arsenal," Becker answered simply, now watching the game to avoid looking at Connor.
"Oh, cool," he responded, though he lacked enthusiasm. He really wasn't much a sport person. "Er…who you supporting, then?"
"I'm a Manchester United guy. Chelsea is alright though."
"Oh yeah. Abby loves Manchester United too." He tried to smile towards Becker, but sighed when he realized the other man was paying him no attention now. "Listen, mate…I really am sorry for bringing it up."
"It's fine, Connor." Becker sighed, glancing towards him.
"It's really not though. I think…I think we really do need to talk about it."
"Why, Connor? Because Abby said so?" Becker said, annoyance filling his voice as he turned his attention fully on Connor.
"No! Because you don't want to wait till she's dangling off a cliff side to say it!" Connor burst out.
Becker stared at him in silence for a moment, went to say something, then held it back and closed his mouth again.
"Trust me on that one. I should have said it earlier, I should have said it the moment I knew I really meant it, but I didn't. I said it in a moment of danger and high emotion and it was the stupidest thing I could have done. I regretted saying it the moment we were safely through that anomaly again."
"I don't get what you're getting at." Becker finally said, placing his now empty cup on the bar.
"My point is, whether you realize it or not, everybody else does. You love Jess and she loves you. You've been tip toeing around it for months now, despite the fact we can all see in your eyes how much you love her. And you don't want to avoid it any longer, you don't want to end up going through this like me. Years, Becker, it took years for me and Abby to finally get properly together. It took a cliff, a trip to the future, and a year in the Cretaceous. You don't want that. And I know you're scared to say it, but she needs to hear it sooner rather than later, and preferably not in the face of danger because all that high emotion and adrenaline running through you really, really makes it worse in the end. You end up regretting it and feeling generally stupid about it."
Becker looked down at his feet as Connor's words sank in. For once he really did seem like the older one, and he knew that what Connor said came from experience, but something inside him wanted to fight Connor anyway, it didn't want to accept his help.
"You think me and Jess haven't been in just as horrible situations? She nearly died, twice. In case you forgot the beetle incident and the future predators your anomaly caused. And I nearly died last week."
Connor knew this was coming, he knew Becker too well. "And how many of those times did you just want to admit you love her?"
Becker stared at him, blinking and looking nearly incredulous. It really was obvious, wasn't it? "Every single time."
"Don't wait till the next time. Tell her now. Tell her soon. Tell her before it's too late. Just tell her!"
Becker's defenses fell and he looked Connor in the eyes, a serious expression crossing his face. "I'm scared." He admitted, and half expected the other man to laugh in his face because for once, the big, strong soldier was genuinely scared.
"Tell me about, mate. Emotions are scarier than the creatures we deal with. I would have rather faced an Allosaurus than confront Abby with my feelings. The fear of rejection that comes with love is the absolute worst," he said just before turning his attention to the barman and requesting two more drinks. He noted the genuine worry in the other man's eyes and began to shake his head, "You have nothing to worry about though. Jess would rather be devoured by a Giganotosaurus than say no to you. She truly, honestly loves you. Don't tell me you can't see that."
Becker couldn't help but laugh at Connor's choice of words, but in his mind and his heart, he knew it was true. After all, it was the way Jess looked at him that made him fall so hard.
He wanted to do this right, he wanted to be a proper gentleman as his mum had always taught him, he wanted to ask her out on a date tomorrow, take her somewhere nice, make her smile all night long, and at some point during the night make his feelings known. But another part of him just wanted to rush to her house right now, despite the fact it was nearly midnight, knock on her door and tell her he loved her and kiss her right then and there. He wasn't sure what part to act on, and he sat in the parking lot of the pub long after he and Connor had said goodnight and goodbye. Finally he sighed, started his truck and headed home. He purposely took the long way, just so he could drive past her flat. The light that belonged to her was only just going out as he slowly drove past.
"Goodnight, Jess." He found himself blushing when he realized he'd actually said it out loud, as if she could actually hear. He drove off quickly, fighting off the blush.
He lied in bed that night thinking of how he'd ask her tomorrow, thinking of how he'd finally tell her and wondering if he'd have the courage to kiss her. He almost felt silly, actually thinking of how he would kiss her. That was until he realized he'd been imagining the same scene for months. This was just the first time he was completely conscious of it. He turned over in his bed, face planting into his pillow, mumbling to himself about how ridiculous it was that he'd let Connor talk him into doing this. It was like being a teenaged boy all over again.
He had woken up bright and early, much earlier than usual, in hopes of being at the ARC before Jess. It was quite a task, getting there before her. If he didn't know any better, he would assume that she never even left. He tried to ignore the horrible mess of butterflies that seemed to take up residence in his stomach over night as he combed his hair back and grinned in the mirror. Just his luck, he arrived before Jess and he immediately headed for the hub. He found himself staring at her chair for awhile, frozen as he suddenly wondered if he should really do this.
"Hmm…I suppose it is a lovely chair, Captain." A voice from beside him said, startling him out of his frozen state. "The red really is a nice touch, don't you think?"
Becker blinked in shock at the man beside him, then found himself stumbling over the words, "Yes, sir."
"You're here rather early, usually Jess is the only one here with me at this time. What brings you in, have I missed an anomaly alert?" Lester asked, scanning the blank screens of the ADD.
"No, sir. I…I was just hoping to uhh…check in on some records from…" he paused, trying to think of the best excuse. "from my accident!" he finally sputtered out. "I'm still kind of fuzzy on the details. Didn't want to ask Jess to pull it up for me…"
Lester nodded, though not quite believing what the Captain said. "Ahh yes, good idea. Do hurry though, she should be in soon."
Becker nodded his head and was quick to sit down, Lester's warning springing him into action. He found himself typing in Jess' password to open up her documents. He was one of the only people to know that particular password, as she had fully trusted him to not snoop around and only use it when necessary. Come to think of it, he was one of the only people she even trusted to sit in her chair, never the less actually touch the ADD. He almost succeeded in keeping his butterflies down, until he had to type the password in again and suddenly realized he was typing in his own birth date.
"Alright Connor…I suppose you're right….I have nothing to worry about; she does truly, honestly love me." He breathed out as he finally managed to pull up a blank document.
Quicker than ever before, he typed out the message he knew he'd be too nervous to ask face to face, especially in the middle of the ARC.
Jessica -
Would you care to join me on a walk after work?
I'll meet you in the car park, as soon as you're ready.
- Becker
A walk in the park, he had decided, would be the perfect way to talk to her. He almost always took a walk there after work, it was his way of calming down before heading home. Since it was something he was used to doing, he hoped he'd feel more comfortable and actually be able to talk to her. He knew the routes well, and he knew the perfect place to stop and watch the sunset if they got out in time. It would be the perfect place to tell her. He pulled himself out of his thoughts when he felt somebody tap him on the shoulder. He nearly jumped, but calmed down when he realized it was only Lester again.
"Just a fair warning, Jess is on her way in, Romeo."
Becker wasn't sure how to feel about what Lester had just said and he felt himself turning red in embarrassment. He turned his attention to the document still on screen, immediately minimized it, hoping she would notice the untitled document and wonder what it was. Then he was up and running off towards the safety of the armoury. He thought he heard Lester laugh as he rounded the corner and he felt his face heating up again. He carried on to the armoury and locked himself in, wondering if he'd have to face Jess, or Lester, again for the rest of the day. "If ever there were a good day to not have an anomaly alert, today would be that day."
"Where's Becker at, anyway?" Abby asked in the break room just before taking another bite of her sandwich.
"I have no idea. Haven't seen him all day. His team came out of the armoury not too long ago, but no sign of their Captain," Connor answered around a mouthful of crisps. "He seemed fine last night. Confident even," he added as he licked the BBQ flavoring off his fingers.
Abby rolled her eyes at his eating habits, then she smiled when she saw Jess nearly beaming at the fridge and it suddenly clicked in her head.
"He said something to you, didn't he, Jess? And now he'd hiding away in the armory like a little baby, isn't he?" She asked in a teasing voice. "Spill it, Jess! What did he say?"
"He didn't say anything." She spoke matter of factly, trying to hide her grin. "Technically speaking, he wrote something."
Abby rolled her eyes yet again, but the smile on her face grew. "Alright then, what did he write to you? Tell me! You have to!"
"I don't have to tell you anything," Jess retorted, taking a seat across from Abby.
"Yes you do, it's the number one rule of best friends. Spill. It."
Jess bit at her lower lip, trying to suppress the smile and hold back the information.
"Jessica Parker! You will tell me what that emotional idiot wrote this instant!"
"I'm kind of interested too," Connor added in before popping another crisp in his mouth. "Do tell. I'd like to know what I convinced him to do."
Ohh, okay! Fine!" Jess squealed. "He left me a little note on the ADD asking if I'd like to join him on a walk after work today!" She beamed, "Isn't that wonderful? We're finally going to go on our first date!"
"That's it? Jeez…hope he says more during the walk," Connor practically scoffed.
Jess shot him a glare, "It was quite sweet, I'll have you know!"
Connor threw his hands up, "Alright, alright. I'm sorry! I was kidding!"
Abby was smiling, "I think it's sweet too. No wonder he's got himself holed up in the armoury, he doesn't want us to realize he has a sweet side. He probably thinks we'll poke fun at him," she laughed.
"He's right though. You will poke fun at him, Abby. You always poke fun at him." Jess pointed out, laughing with her.
"Yeah, well, he's like my little brother. Of course I poke fun at him. That's what big sisters do, isn't it?" She said before finishing off her sandwich. "In fact, I don't know what I'm waiting for. I know the passcode to the armoury. I'm gonna go poke him now!"
"Abby!" Jess called out as she headed for the door, an almost desperate tone taking over.
"Yeah, Jess?" She asked, curiosity filling her voice.
"Tell him not to worry, I'll be there." She smiled, her face softening, and a blush crossed her cheeks.
"Will do," Abby grinned back.
"Hey, Lover Boy!" Abby called as she walked through the armorury, stopping at the office door in the back she knew to be his. "Stop hiding! I just want to congratulate you on growing a pair!"
"I'm eating lunch, go away!" Becker called back through the door.
"Don't care, let me in!"
"No!"
"Why!?" Abby whined, knowing full well she was already getting on his nerves.
"Go away, Abigail. It's none of your business."
"When has that ever stopped me? Don't make me pick the lock!"
"You can't pick the lock, you know full well the offices only open with bracelets."
"Yeah," she sighed, "I was hoping you'd forgotten and would just let me in."
She heard the sound of his approaching feet and the door opened just enough for him to stick his head out, "You're annoying, you know that?" He grinned and rolled his eyes though.
"That's my job, isn't it?" She laughed and reached out to mess up his hair. "Now either you let me in, or you stop hiding."
"I'll have you know I spent extra time combing my hair this morning in hopes nothing would mess it up. Thanks a lot," he huffed, but his playful smile was still evident as he opened the door wider. "Alright, fine. Come in. If that'll really make you happy."
"Of course it will! I want to hear all about your plans, Mister. You better spill."
Abby's final words to him, before leaving to take care of a problem in the menagerie, echoed through his head and he couldn't help but smile as he waited patiently in the car park. "By the way, Jess says no need to worry, she'll be there. I don't think she'd miss it for the world, honestly." He'd watched Abby and Connor leave, then Matt and Emily, and lastly, Danny - after giving him a nice punch in the shoulder and a "Good on ya, mate."
He was just glancing down at his watch when he heard a voice call out, "I'm coming! I'm coming! Sorry!"
He couldn't hold back the smile that crossed his face when he saw her rushing towards him.
"It's just, I remembered that I had a pair of flats in my office so I wanted to change into those for the walk! The heels would have been much harder to walk in!" She tried to explain, though she was speaking a mile a minute and all Becker really caught was that she kept shoes in her office. Typical Jess.
"It's quite alright, Jess. If I remember correctly, I told you to come when you were ready."
He watched as she got all flustered and nodded her head in reply, "Yes! Yes, you did!" she said as she beamed up at him.
His own smile grew when he caught sight of hers, it was impossible for it not to.
"So, the park I like to walk in is just around the block. I figured we could just walk there. I mean, that's what I usually do."
"That's fine, yeah. I don't mind at all!" she smiled.
Becker placed his hand on her back and guided her out of the car park, then, getting nervous, soon retracted it and held his left hand in his right behind his back in military style. He'd adapted it as a nervous habit long ago, though he couldn't quite remember when. He noticed Jess' smile fade a little as his hand left her back and it made him feel horrible. He vowed that as soon as they were in the park he'd surprise her and take her by the hand. He would feel comfortable by then, he was sure of it…or so he tried to convince himself.
They walked in silence for a bit, then Jess asked him how his day had been. He was almost glad, after the initial internal panic, because it started the small talk needed to break the ice. He tried to make an excuse for spending his whole day in the armoury, but was sure Jess saw right through it.
As they walked along the routes so familiar to Becker by now, he felt himself starting to relax and he finally dropped his hands from behind his back. He could feel his palms sweating a bit and he tried to rub it off on his trousers without Jess noticing. When he was content, he took a deep breath, continued on with their current conversation and reached his hand out to grab hers, trying not to think about it and just let it happen. Her fingers curled into his almost immediately and when he looked over at her, she was smiling the smile he loved so much and trying to fight back a blush. She also seemed to momentarily lose track of the conversation and he had to remind her that they'd been talking about her new kitten.
"Oh yeah! He's a Scottish Fold, absolutely adorable. I rescued him from the shelter. His name is Soie. It's-"
"French. For silk." Becker finished her sentence.
"Yeah. How did you know? I didn't know you knew French!"
"Oh, I don't really know much. Just bits and pieces, really. Silk is kind of a random word to remember though, isn't it?' He laughed and gave a shrug.
"Just a bit random," she giggled. "Anyway, he's a total sweetheart. Loves to cuddle!"
There was a moment of silence as Becker looked towards the sky, then he said "Hey, Jess…?"
"Yeah, Becker?" She asked, softly as she noticed the change in his voice.
He came to a stop and faced her directly, looked her in the eyes and slowly dropped her hand from his.
"Umm…it's…it's getting late, they're going to be closing the park soon. But I…I was wondering if you wanted to walk just a little bit further? There's a bench up ahead. We…we could watch the sunset and…" He broke off, started to rub the back of his neck and glanced down at the ground. "I don't know…" he said as he felt his ears and cheeks start to burn.
"I would love to watch the sunset with you." She smiled sweetly up at him, her bright, gentle eyes making contact with his as he looked at her again.
"Yeah?" He asked, returning the smile as she enthusiastically nodded and taking her hand again.
As they sat down and watched the sun start to set, Becker's mind filled with all the things he wanted to say. "Come on, Becks. It's not that hard. You can do this." He thought to himself. "Just…just say it."
"Jess…I…I meant to say something different back there," he admitted, looking away from the sky to look at her. "I mean…not that I didn't want to invite you to watch the sunset, I just mean…there was something more I wanted to say."
Jess sucked her lips in, trying to hide the smile she could feel growing with the thought of what he actually had on his mind. She could see him shaking slightly now, she knew that what was to come was making him extremely nervous and she started to feel nervous herself. She didn't know what to say to him, all of her thoughts were suddenly lost and she found herself just simply looking at him, wondering what he had to say and if it was what she hoped it was.
He licked at his drying lips and started, "I…I wanted to say that…today was really amazing. I am so glad you decided to come walking with me and…I'd really like to do it again. If…if you want."
She watched as he closed his eyes in frustration and she could tell that still wasn't quite what he wanted to say, but she answered anyway. "I would love to come walking with you again. I had a really great time, Becker." She smiled, a very sweet and genuine smile and added, "Feel free to leave me invites in my documents any time you want. I quite enjoyed that."
"I…I will." Without hesitation he added, "Your password is my birth date," with a grin he couldn't quite help.
"Took you long enough, smart one," she teased, poking at his shoulder.
It went quiet again for a moment and he wanted to say it, he wanted to say it right then and there, but his voice was catching in his throat and the words just wouldn't come out. He sighed in defeat and found himself saying instead, "Shall we head back now? The sun is just about set."
Jess tried to hide her disappointment in not hearing the three words she had been dying to hear him say for months. She reminded herself that Becker could be quite the emotional idiot, but after today, he may just come around soon and she'd just have to be patient with him. She smiled and nodded her head in response, immediately putting her hand in his as they stood up.
"I really did mean it when I said that today was amazing, you know that, right?" Becker asked as they stood outside her car.
"Of course I know." Jess beamed, "I thought it was amazing too. I can't wait till our next walk!"
"Tomorrow then?" He asked, that unstoppable grin of his returning again.
"Tomorrow!" She nearly squealed, unable to hold back the excitement of going on a second date with him so soon.
He couldn't help but chuckle at her enthusiasm, "Same place, same time. I'll see you then."
He stood there awkwardly for a moment, wondering if he should give her a kiss. But it didn't quite feel right, it wasn't at all like he'd imagined it. So instead, he opened his arms to offer her a hug. She almost immediately fell into them and he hugged her close, savoring the moment. When they broke apart, he smiled again and then started to walk away, towards his truck on the other side of the car park.
"See you tomorrow!" She called after him before getting in her car.
He felt content with the way things had gone, even if he hadn't quite said what he meant to, he was sure Jess understood and that was what was important, right? He stopped when he heard the sound of her car starting up; it suddenly hit him that it really wasn't enough. He couldn't let her leave, he just couldn't let her go without having said those words. He turned around where he stood and ran back to her, calling out her name and urging her to stop. When he got to her car, he reached to pull open the door and was relieved to find she hadn't locked it yet.
"Becker!" She exclaimed in surprise.
"Jess!" He cried out, his voice noticeably raising an octave and almost sounding desperate.
"Wha -" she started but was immediately cut off.
"I forgot to say I love you."
Jess' hand flew to her mouth in complete shock and she didn't know what to say. She felt her eyes begin to water as she looked down at his big sappy, smile and the noticeable shock in his own eyes at what he'd just said.
"I love you, Jess," he said again, with more confidence this time.
Jess threw her seatbelt off and jumped from the car, landing directly in front of him with a huge smile taking over her face as her tears began to fall. He put his hands on her waist to steady her and she threw her arms around his neck.
"I love you too," she breathed into his ear.
Becker pulled away after a few moments, then he moved one hand to her face to gently brush the tears away. Happy tears, of course, he could feel them trying to form in his own eyes as her response sank in. Instead, he smiled at her again, then found himself placing his hand on the back of her head and pulling her in for a kiss; the kiss he'd imagined and waited months to finally give to her.
"I really, really love you, Jessica," he breathed out, placing his forehead to hers as a very satisfied smile crossed his face.