A/N; My first fan fiction for Cordelia Chase and Allan Francis Doyle, though it certainly won't be my last I hope. This is my all time favourite pairing. I absolutely adore them and I always have done. I've always resented the fact that their relationship came to an end before it could even begin and the story of Glenn Quinn is so tragic, too. Doyle's character has a strong place in my heart.
This chapter was emotional to write, aha. I sound so darkish, but I really don't care. It was sad enough watching Doyle's death, but typing it was even worse. I changed Cordelia's reaction slightly. Don't bitch at me for it. Don't bitch at me for anything in fact. If you have a problem with the way I write things, don't bother reading, aha. I've never had tacky reviews yet, but I've seen some people review other stories rudely and it's just disrespectful.
I don't have a BETA reader yet. I proof read it myself, though I can't promise that there are no mistakes. If you want to be my BETA reader, I would really appreciate it! (: So yeah. I think that's all the author notes I need to do.
DISCLAIMER; I do not own anything and I never will. I wish I owned Doyle, but I don't. The only thing I own is my imagination and that is all. Everything else belongs to its rightful owners. I am not getting any credit out of other people's creations.
A SELFLESS ACT;
Cordelia Chase/Allen Francis Doyle
Doyle's death devastated many, though affected Cordelia the most. All chances of telling him how she felt lost. All chances of having a happy ending with her funny little Irishman gone. Six months have passed and Cordelia is learning to cope with her visions; learning to cope without him. But just as she decides it's time to move on, he returns to her; calling for her help. He's not really there...is he? Stuck in limbo, refusing to let go, Doyle's love for Cordelia has him clinging on. He refuses to depart before he gets one last chance to tell her how he felt. But can he tell her before the hell hounds finally tear him down to the fiery pits? Can Cordelia save him in a selfless act of love?
CHAPTER ONE; THE FIRST HERO FALLS
SONG; STAY WITH ME – DANITY KANE
"What does that thing do?"
Eyes were wide in terror as Doyle voiced the question everybody on the boat wanted to know. Cordelia usually found comfort in that soft, Irish accent but right now, there was no comfort to be found. All that could be found right now was fear, confusion, nerves, panic...nothing positive; nothing to lean into. The light of the beacon that had descended from the air was growing brighter and brighter as the seconds ticked by. The demons below were clinging to each other, murmuring words to one another, some of them already saying their goodbyes because they assumed that this was going to be the end; that no promised one was going to save them.
But somebody would save them; Angel would save them...wouldn't he? That was what he did; that was what all three of them did. They helped the helpless. Angel was going to find a way out of this and Doyle was going to help. Cordelia was certain of this; Cordelia had to be certain of this. However, no matter how certain she was, her heart was still pounding against her chest, her breathing somewhat more laboured than usual where her chest had tightened in anxiety.
"Its light kills anything with human blood." Angel tried to murmur his words, but some ears still picked up on them, including Cordelia's. Her eyes widened and she watched as Doyle's face paled more so if that was even possible. She took a step forward, moving towards the two males in her life, hoping, practically praying that they had a plan. They had to have a plan. If they didn't have a plan, they were all going to die. Everyone in this boat, her, Angel...Doyle; they would all be killed by this light that was forming. No; damnit. They couldn't die. LA needed Angel. These demons had families. Doyle had finally asked her out on a god damn date; they weren't allowed to die!
"Well, it's getting brighter and that doohickey – "Doyle paused as if a realization had just slapped him around the face, his eyes turning to look at Angel. "It's fully armed, isn't it?"
"Almost." Angel murmured. There sounded as if there was intention in his voice. Cordelia felt a tiny twinge of hope; surely that intention meant he had a plan? Angel's eyes flickered onto her form for just half a second, before moving to look back at his Irish friend. "If I pull the cable, I think I can still shut it off."
Doyle didn't look like he liked this plan and Cordelia frowned, trying to find fault with it. "How're you going to do that without touching the light?" He asked quietly, his head tilting to one side, his eyebrows knitting down into a frown.
Angel didn't say anything. He was silent. He stared at his friend and the look in his eyes said everything his silence didn't; he wasn't going to be able to do that without touching the light. Cordelia's eyes flickered onto the light as she bit down on her bottom lip – but then...if he touched the light, it would kill him. He had human blood in him. He might be a vampire, but Cordelia knew that this would kill him. "Angel, that's suicide!" She exclaimed, her head snapping to look back at her overhanging forehead friend, shaking her head viciously just to show how much she disliked this idea.
"There's got to be another way." Doyle sounded just as panicked as Cordelia, disagreeing with it as much as she did. There had to be another way; right?
Angel glanced at Doyle, then down the demons. They were all looking up at them, so scared but still so hopeful. He had to save them. This was what he did now; he saved people. They might be demons but they weren't bad. They were good; they were worth saving and he wasn't about to just let them die – not on his watch. Slowly, he turned back to look at Cordelia, trying to look reassuring. "It's alright..."
"No!" Cordelia half shouted, shaking her head once more, refusing to believe that this was their only option. She took a step forward, but then she noticed the light getting brighter and her head snapped in direction of the beacon, holding her breath as it caught in a lump at the back of her throat.
Angel tried to ignore the look on Cordelia's face as he turned to look back at Doyle. There was sorrow in his eyes, but beyond that, there was determination. His arm lifted, his hand moving down to rest on Doyle's shoulders as their eyes connected. There was a knowing look in Doyle's eyes as he stared at his friend; an understanding look and Angel took it the wrong way. He saw it as Doyle respecting his decision. He saw it as Doyle realizing Angel needed to do this. If only he had known what was going on inside of Doyle's mind; if only he had been able to look further and realize his friend didn't understand his decision...but was making his own. If Angel had just seen this, maybe he would have been able to stop what was about to happen; maybe he would've been able to save him.
Doyle lifted his own arm and his hand moved to rest on Angel's arm. There was fear in his face; his body shaking slightly as he gazed at his friend. "The good fight, yeah?" He questioned and Angel nodded his head. Angel had no idea that he was actually helping his friend make such a life changing decision by answering. Doyle swallowed dryly; "You never know until you've been tested..." Blue eyes flickered down and Doyle looked at the demons below. This was what he had to do. He didn't want to leave; god, no, Doyle didn't want to die. There were so many things he that he wanted to stay with; whiskey, strip clubs, hot dogs, gambling...Cordelia Chase. But this was what he had to do. Angel was a warrior; Angel was the true protector. Doyle had just been a link; a player in the deadly game and now he was losing. He had let his family die once. He had refused to help them and they had suffered because of this. He wouldn't do that again; he would save them and in the process...he would save others by saving Angel – by saving Cordelia. "I get that now." He whispered, his eyes looking back at Angel.
Realization hit Angel. His eyes went wide and he parted his mouth to quickly protest, but he never got the chance. Doyle moved too quickly. Doyle hauled himself back, drawing his arm away and then thrusting his fist forward, punching Angel hard in the face. Cordelia gasped in shock as the vampire stumbled backwards and his body tumbled over the railing, falling down onto the cargo below with a groan, the fall catching him off guard and leaving him somewhat unable to move for a few moments; dazed and confused. Doyle didn't waste any time. He knew he didn't have long. Turing around, his blue orbs fell upon the woman he adored so much. He regretted never being brave enough to tell her how he felt; to admit his feelings for her...to admit that he had fallen in love with her. He was stupid, but he couldn't linger on that. Regret was nothing now; hesitation didn't exist and he moved forward, walking towards her as she stood there, staring at him.
Cordelia watched the man approach; the man she had spent so much time mocking when really, she had fallen for him. Her eyes were wide and her lips parted. Part of her knew what he was doing; knew what he was planning to do but she didn't want to think it. She tried to convince herself she was wrong, but she wasn't. Suddenly, Doyle's fingers ran through her hair, his hand moving to the back of her head as he pulled her face closer to his. His mouth was warm against hers as he crushed a kiss to her mouth and her eyes instantly fluttered shut. Her hand lifted, resting on his arm and body leaned into his as she kissed him back; kissed him for all that she could while he kissed her as if it were their last. Cordelia was so lost in his touch – which wasn't nearly as clumsy as she had imagined it would be, far from in fact – that she didn't notice the strange blue light that passed between them, moving from his lips and to her own before shimmering away. She didn't feel that dull throb suddenly appear in the back of her head as the visions moved their way into her. All she could feel was his tongue as it moved against hers, slow but passionate. He tasted like a mixture of whiskey and stale smoke, but she found she liked the way he tasted. It was something she could find herself getting addicted to...though she knew she shouldn't because this was the first and last time she was going to taste it. His tongue was moist against hers; warm. The way his fingers groped in her hair was dominating, but gentle, reminding her that she had a choice. Her body hummed with content, but her heart pounded, her palms sweated...she didn't want this to end, but soon, his mouth was departing from hers, the heat of his body abandoned her as he stepped away.
He didn't want to pull away from her. Doyle would have given anything and everything to stay there, with her, clutching at him and kissing him. She tasted as sweet as he had imagined in his dreams. Everything about her seemed to scream perfection, despite her demanding and superficial ways. God, he was going to miss her. The thought of leaving her tore him up inside, but he had to. He had to do this for her, for them...for himself. This was what the Powers That Be had intended for him when they sent him to Angel. He could see that this was his destiny; he could feel it. This was his second chance; to right the wrong that he had made in the past. He couldn't save Lucas and his clan, but he could save this clan; he could save Rieff and the rest of the Listers. He had to do this. He just wished that he didn't have to leave Cordelia in the process. There was still so much he wanted to tell her, so many things he wanted do with her, so many moments he wanted to share. He regretted holding back now; regretted fearing her rejection. If he had just taken the chance, been daring and risked it, maybe things would have been different. Maybe this wouldn't have been their first and last kiss, but just their last. He supposed they would never know now. Hearing Angel grumble his name, he slowly and reluctantly pulled away from their kiss, knowing he had to move fast before Angel stopped him.
Her eyes were wide when they opened, staring at him while her breath caught in her throat. She wanted to pull him back to her, wanted to cling hold of him and beg him not to go. She knew that was what he was planning to do; he was planning to leave. He wanted to take Angel's place on this ridiculous suicide mission; he wanted to be the hero. She didn't want him to be the hero though – not at the expense of his life. Perhaps it was selfish, but she didn't care. Doyle couldn't die. Doyle owed her a date, Doyle was...Doyle. It felt as if he had always been there, he couldn't just leave like this.
"Too bad we'll never know..." Doyle spoke and she clung to every single one of his words. Suddenly, his face began to morph. Spikes began to appear, numerous amounts, too many for her to count and his skin complexion changed to a pale green. Red eyes stared at her and despite the harshness of the colour; there was so much pain in those eyes as he said his goodbyes. Cordelia didn't find herself withdrawing. She didn't care that he was half demon and it wasn't as if she hadn't seen scarier. She'd seen way scarier than this; such as the Scourge. All she could do was stare at him, her hand twitching where she wanted to reach out and touch him, to press a finger to the spikes to see how sharp they were, to explore this whole new side to Doyle that she would never actually get to know but she was frozen on the spot. "If this is a face you could learn to love." Doyle finished his sentence in that sweet, accented voice and Cordelia felt as if somebody had just taken her heart into their palm and clenched their fist around it, crunching it, wrenching it. Tears were brimming in her eyes as she watched him turn away from her and she took one step forward, preparing to stop him but she knew she wouldn't be able to.
"Doyle..." She could hear Angel murmuring from below as she finally pulled himself to his feet. He stumbled though, still drowsy from his fall and therefore didn't move as fast he could. He would move in time though; he would stop Doyle. Cordelia tried to tell herself this but she could tell by the way that Doyle was already edging towards the barrier that Angel would be too late. "Doyle...Doyle!" Angel was shouting his friends name now, yelling at him as he raced towards the ladder, grabbing hold of the bars as he began to move himself up them, climbing up as fast as he could. "Doyle!" He reached the top of the platform, just in time to see Doyle suddenly leap, his body flying through the air, heading straight towards the beacon. "NO!" Angel yelled loudly, his voice echoing around the boat as he watched the friend who had become more like a brother to him land on the beacon.
Cordelia wanted to scream. She wanted to beg him to come back but all she could do was stare as Doyle's head slowly turned towards them. His eyes stared at them and then he did it; he smiled. It was that trademark smile Cordelia had grown to love; so cheeky, so full of life, so...knowing. He knew what he was doing was brave; he knew this was what he had to do. He was their protector; their promised one. Cordelia blinked and a tear fell from her eye, rolling down her cheek as she rubbed her lips together, heading falling to one side. Why couldn't she scream? She should be stopping him but all she was doing was standing there. She felt so useless. Angel was gripping hold of the railing, his teeth grinding together, his eyes wide and his knuckles whiter than normal as he stared helplessly, watching his friend die, unable to help him now that he had overstepped the boundaries and jumped across.
Doyle's smile soon faded as he turned back round, their back now to them as his hands pulled at the cable, trying to tear it apart, putting all his strength into switching this damn light off. Pain was coursing through his body as the light began to work its magic on him, triggering as it felt the human blood moving through his veins. He felt his face shift, felt his demonic appearance fade away as he morphed back into his human form. The pain began to grow even more excruciating. The light was burning him; he could feel it. His body was shaking and his flesh was beginning to peel away from his bone. His teeth ground together so hard that he was certain any second now he would break his own jaw. He didn't let any of this stop him though. He continued to tug at the cable, his fingers crumbling as the flesh melted. The light got brighter and brighter; he heard someone scream, heard someone sob. Was it Cordelia? He didn't have time to look. The cable suddenly pulled apart, broke and the light got brighter than ever. He wanted to scream out in pain but he didn't even have the table as his body burnt up, until there was nothing left – not even dust. He was gone.
The light faded. The beacon went dark. The boat was silent as they all stared at the place Doyle had stood just seconds before.
Cordelia was the first to make noise. "No!" She screamed in denial, shaking her head. She took in a sharp gasp for air, one tear falling from her eyes, following by a second...a third, more kept coming. Taking a step forward, she moved towards the barrier, wanting to get a closer look, hoping to find some hope that Doyle was there; that he wasn't gone. Strong arms caught her as Angel took a step forward, his arms moving around her waist to prevent her from getting too close to the edge. His own eyes were stinging with salty tears at the realization that Doyle was gone. His chest felt restricted and even though he didn't need oxygen, he was suddenly struggling to breathe. Doyle was gone. The first solider had fallen.
Cordelia struggled for a few moments, desperately trying to get to the barrier and she even screamed out Doyle's name, her tone sounding so desperate and pleading, begging for an Irish accent to answer her, but it didn't. There was nothing. "Doyle..." She repeated, choking on a sob as she did so. Her cheeks were soaked with tears now, but she didn't care. He had been there just seconds ago and now it was like he had never existed; like he had never even been there with her, kissing her, holding her...there wasn't a single trace of him, not even a body.
"He's gone, Cordelia..." Angel told her, but he sounded shocked and dazed, as if he were not only trying to convince her, but himself as well. Doyle had been like a brother to him. They had been close and Angel hadn't been able to save him. That was what he was supposed to do; he was supposed to save people. Why was it he never managed to save the people that actually meant something to him; the ones he loved? Why did they always have to be the ones he couldn't help? "He's gone..." He choked on his own words, a tear falling from his eye as he felt her body stop struggling. She shook her head as if trying to deny his words, but deep down, she knew he was right; Doyle was gone.
Cordelia's body crumbled downwards, grief consuming her, making her unable to take her own weight. Angel moved down with her, refusing to let go of her, needing to comfort her and needing her comfort as well. Her knees hit the cold floor beneath them and Angel's did too. He kept her close to his chest, rocking her slightly. Her hands were gripping at his shirt, clutching at the material as her whole body shuddered with her crying. He wanted to say something; wanted to soothe her, but he couldn't because Angel knew how she was feeling; he was feeling it too. He just remained, the sound of her sobs wrenching at everybody's heart as they echoed around the heavy walls, the noise heart breaking. Angel's eyes fell shut as he kept her close, his own cheeks wet as one hand moved to the back of her head, resting there as he tried to calm her down but she was a mess; she was broken. This wasn't a side to Cordelia that Angel had seen before and he didn't like it. He didn't want to see it or hear it.
The Listers had been right; their prophecy had been right. There had been a promised one to save them; a protector to guide them to their new life but it hadn't been Angel. It had never been Angel; it had been Doyle all along and he had done that. He'd found his redemption. He'd saved their lives and thousands of others too. Angel knew he should have found comfort in that, Cordelia knew too but neither of them did. They felt proud, yes, but not comfort.
"If you need help, then look no further. Angel Investigations is the BEST!"
That accent that had been so sweet, so husky filled her ears and tears filled her eyes. Cordelia stared at the television screen, watching the commercial that had only been filmed yesterday. Death was such a fickle thing. One minute, somebody was with you. They were talking, walking, breathing, kissing, hugging, touching...they were there and they were a part of your life. And then in just one simple blink, they were gone. There was nothing left to remind you of them. There was no sign that they had ever even been there apart from the memories that were in your head and you were left to wonder; were they there? Was this person a dream? It was impossible to believe that just less than twenty four hours ago, Doyle had been with her. He had been helping them. He had been talking to her; he had been asking her to go on a date with him...how could he be taken from her just like that?
It didn't make sense to Cordelia. She didn't want it to make sense. She just wanted Doyle and she couldn't have him. Her arms wrapped around her knees as she hugged them tighter to her chest and she bit down on her lower lip as it begun to quiver. A tear rolled down her cheek and she felt a hand on her shoulder as Angel stood behind her, able to smell the salty water without even needing to look at her face.
"Our rats are low – "
"Rates!"
"It says rats..."
Cordelia let out a strange gurgled noise as she held back a sob. She had been so mean to him in the past; she had always knocked him back and this video was a reminder of that. God; she had told him he'd had weasel factor. Why? She was selfish, that's why. She wanted to have her cake and eat it too. Cordelia spent all her life waiting for somebody rich and handsome and muscular to come in and sweep her off her feet, that she hadn't realized what was right in front of her. Doyle might not have riches, but...he had a heart. He was a hero. He would have protected her, cherished her, loved her...and Cordelia had spent so long trying to fight her feelings for him because her own pathetic commitment issues. Her friendship with Doyle had been a strong bond...she didn't want to wind up the way her and Xander Harris had wound up. She didn't want to hate him; the thought of hating Doyle wasn't pleasant and so she knocked him back. She knocked him back because she, Cordelia Chase, had actually been nervous about dating with the intent of getting attached to someone. She had been scared of getting to attached to Doyle; of ruining what they already had.
Now they had nothing.
"Our rates are low, but our standards are high. When the chips are down, and you're at the end of your rope, you need someone that you can count on. And that's what you'll find here – someone that will go all the way, no matter what. "So don't lose hope. Come on over to our offices and you'll see that there's still heroes in this world."
Doyle had gone all the way. Cordelia had always known that he was a superhero – a badly dressed one mind, but a superhero none the less. She had always known he had something, even if she had never shown that she knew this, but...what he had done, his sacrifice...she was proud of him. She wanted to be proud of him anyway, but her grief seemed to prevent he from being proud. She was angry, more than anything. She was angry at herself for letting it happen, for not stopping him. She was angry at Doyle for leaving her like this, for kissing her like that, for looking at her with so much emotion and then just jumping to his death. She was angry at the Scourge for being the pathetic creatures they had been. She was angry at the Listers for not being able to cope with their own problems. She was angry at Angel for not getting up that ladder in time. She was so angry and her angry was uncalled for; her blame was unfair but she felt as if she had to blame someone because for some reason, it made her feel better.
"Is that it?"
Cordelia's cheeks were damp with silent tears that had been falling and she visibly flinched at the last three words of the video.
"Am I done?"
And then the tape went blank; Doyle's nervous looking face was gone.
Doyle was gone.
A/N; MY GOD THAT WAS PAINFUL TO WRITE. And I'm sorry if it was painful to read. Please review if you have the time. Chapter Two should be up shortly; I hope!