INTERCEPTED OWL #76756b
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To Mr. Petros Funderbunk, Esq.
Governing Board of Hogwarts-
We, the undersigned, write on behalf of the staff and faculty of Hogwarts under the jurisdiction of one Ms. Dolores Umbridge. While Ms. Umbridge has made commendable strides in her efforts to prune wherever we find practices that ought to be prohibited with her visionary suspension of three well-liked and long-standing members of staff, including ordering a forceful removal of one such faculty that seriously injured one of the most senior professors, we hope our proceeding proposal shall assist our esteemed Headmistress in her most worthy mission to strike a balance between change and innovation.
While all at Hogwarts have seen and felt the laudable change Ms. Umridge has brought about during her tenure as Headmistress, we wish to inspire the innovation Mrs. Umbridge hopes to achieve. On this front, there have been several entirely reasonable suggestions made, to the very practical-minded call to establish an internship program at Weasley's Wizard Wheezes, to a proposition that would truly benchmark Hogwarts' historic era of progress by desegregating the school to allow students from all of the noble magical races --from centaurs to vampires, to attend classes alongside our students.
However, there is little more that can better address a moderation between old and new than Professor Pomona Sprout's proposed establishment of a new course in the Amorous Arts. After all, what is the basest desire but the oldest magic known to humankind? I hardly think the undersigned need remind the Board that intimate copulation is, as of yet, still necessary for the continuation of the Wizarding race. Indeed, to say that the Amorous Arts is crucial to all who pass through halls of Hogwarts is a grave understatement.
Perhaps Madam Poppy Pomfrey can best attest to the need for such a course at Hogwarts --nearly every week she is approached by a red-faced fifth year seeking out instruction in contraceptive charms. Furthermore, before his probation, Professor Severus Snape noted a curious increase of empty love-potion bottles appearing amongst the glassware in the sterilization cabinet of the potions classroom.
While we don't believe the staff should promote such behavior amongst our students, it is a long-established fact that teenagers will be teenagers and our young witches and wizards are no less immune to the onslaught of hormonal flux than our Muggle counterparts. It is clear that in an enlightened, modern era such as the one we find ourselves in, our students will surely benefit from such an element in their education, as has been common in Muggle classrooms for decades. The undersigned consider it wise to follow the lead of our non-magical cousins is this arena.
In short, it is clear that lust, as well as the natural progression of lust, will happen regardless of our ignorance of the fact. Hence, it is better to guide our young students along a path to a healthy and responsible maturity, rather than ignore even the most innocent of snoggings behind the Quidditch stands. The most dire need for such instruction occurs in the students' fourth year when students are not only well into puberty, but when school-sponsored events become increasingly mature in nature, such as the annual Yule Ball.
However, we believe the entire student body can benefit from such a class and do not wish to deny a single student of the chance to study such a universally important subject, no matter how young. Moreover, we have little doubt that the parents of first years will appreciate this addition to their child's education and will thank Ms. Umbridge for the unflinching innovation she has brought upon Hogwarts.
Let us end with the wise words of our Headmistress.
"Every headmaster and headmistress of Hogwarts has brought something new to the weighty task of governing this historic school, and that is as it should be, for without progress there will be stagnation and decay."
May our humblest wishes achieve her aim.
With utmost regards,
The Undersigned
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