They don't understand. You wouldn't tell them, even if the words would come, they shouldn't have to know. They shouldn't have to carry what isn't theirs. No one should have to carry it. To know that their every thought was a violation. That they were all constantly raping you with their minds. They couldn't know; it would do to them what it's done so thoroughly to you. Even Jayne, the very cruelest on board would crumble from the guilt of it.
Simon almost knows. He'd seen the victims of body, saw the parallels and knew that you were a victim too. The same, but different and so, so much worse. They had forced themselves on your mind, your soul, your very being. Taken you over and made you theirs. Forced you to feel and do things that weren't yours, tied you up so you could do nothing but watch. All tied up inside your head, couldn't move or scream or fight them. Simon almost knows, but he thinks it's over. He thought it had all ended when you're box had let you free and now what he saw was aftermath, rubble to be rebuilt.
He didn't know, you hoped and prayed and willed it so strongly that maybe the sheer force would insure that he never, ever knew. He couldn't ever know what he did to you with his needles. You'd blind him before you'd be so cruel as to let him see that he forced himself inside you just like they had. He didn't have a choice; it was needles or something worse. He did what he could and you loved him for it, loved him for loving you so absolutely. He thought he wanted to know what was done to you, what was still being done to you. Silly boy thought he could handle the demons and horror and blood, puffing out his chest to show he wasn't afraid. He took so much looking after.
Kaylee thought she cared, thinks she has empathy for the broken little girl, but you know better. There's anger in her, and it's all for you. Because Simon loves you more than he'll ever love her, because his mei mei will always come first. Anger and an odd sort of jealousy swirl inside her, so deep that not even she knows it's there. She doesn't want what you have, but the hugs and protection and forehead kisses that mean he's yours insure that she'll never have what she wants from him. He can love her, marry her even, but he will never be hers. You don't have the kind of love she wants from him, but you have every other part of his heart. You've taken up the places for sister and mother and child and best friend, taken up everything so that all she can ever be is lover. She hates you for it.
She would care if she knew, but she doesn't want to know. She has no desire to understand. She thinks she fears you, but you know the truth even when she doesn't. You can't help but know. One more thing that crawls inside you uninvited, never knocking before barging in and making itself at home. Not a person. She thinks she believes it; it's easier if you aren't real. She wants Simon to see you as metal and screws instead of flesh and blood and bone. Kaylee of all people should understand why it won't work. Even if she succeeded, even if he looked at you and saw a machine, his love would still ring true. Someone who talks to ships should surely know that a man can love an object just as well as any person. You're beginning to hate her too.
Thought she was your friend, that despite her anger there was a place for you in her heart, but now you've been betrayed. You saved her from her own cowardice and she's turned it against you. Made the hero seem like the villain. You want to scream at her, tell her that it's her own fault. She should be ashamed; her lack of violence isn't from strength like the preacher's is. Can't is not the same as won't. Won't shows conviction, shows courage and strength and belief. Can't cowers in the corner like a stupid little mouse, hiding from good things as well as bad. The preacher won't. Kaylee can't. You had to. Doesn't make you crazy to have good aim. Stupid, cowardly little girl.
You don't really blame her. You can't blame her for her subconscious mind, the parts of her that she can't control. It's her fault, but not really. She'd be horrified if she knew, if she really knew her own mind. Knowing what she did to you with her unjust anger and jealousy would break her. If she really knew she would want to help, she would mean it when she said she cared. But she would hate herself for the pain she caused with her thoughts. She would feel each of her violations as if she had done them on purpose, as if her thoughts were a scalpel she'd cut you open with willingly. You wouldn't do that to her. You wouldn't break her to make her stop slicing into you with contradictions. There was no need for both of you to hurt.
The captain thinks he knows. He always thinks he knows and he never does. He thinks you're the same as him but not as strong. He thinks what they've done to you is the same as what they've taken from him. The arrogance of it makes you want to bash his head in, show him who's weak. He thinks you've been through the same, that surely he wouldn't have broken, he would still be sane. He can't imagine that anything could be worse than what he himself has been through. Ignorant, prideful man, thought he was the strongest in the 'verse.
He is a man, there could be no mistaking that. Not just a man, but a good one. At the core of him was a compass that always pointed north, even when there was no direction. He did what he believed to be right, what he believed to be best for his crew. All the more reason he couldn't know, if he really knew the horrors of the world, the very worst of it, something inside him would shatter. He would rebuild it, because he was strong, just not strong enough to keep from breaking over again every time one of his thoughts made you flinch.
If you were to allow him to see what they had done to you, all the creative new ways they had thought up to make her scream and cry and beg, he would go to war. The man in him would have no choice but to hunt them down. Maybe he would win, most likely he would lose but he'd already seen too much war, and he would not see more of it on your account. One did not pay full price for a broken toy, but he would, and win or lose it would destroy him.
Zoe knew that she could not know. It was refreshing to see someone acknowledge their own limitations, not that the warrior women had very many of them. She understood that you were crazy for a reason, that whatever had happened had been bad enough to send you into psychosis. She was good like the captain, but smarter, less arrogant. She did not believe she was indestructible, did not believe that she had no breaking point. She didn't scream inside of you nearly as much as the others did. She had flaws aplenty but she knew herself, and that deserved more than a little respect. It would destroy her just the same as it would Mal, but she acknowledged that and it made her stronger than the rest.
Inara was so very much like Zoe in that she knew when to distance herself, knew what she could and couldn't take. But Inara was ultimately ruled by passion, while Zoe was ruled by cold logic even- no especially in the face of death. The Companion had learned control, but it was not in her nature. She was her heart, and her heart cried out to you in constant sorrow. It wasn't pity, not quite, more a general sadness as to what had befallen such a young girl with such a bright future. It hurt but at the same time it was appreciated in that she did not try to avoid it, but she did not think she could magically fix what was long broken. She felt for you, wished that she could change the past while accepting that she could not. Still, sometimes she was the loudest of them all, keeping all her emotions bottled up while they screamed inside of her, and thus inside of you. That was she couldn't know. No amount of distance would save someone made up of so much pure emotion. She cared little for right and wrong but she couldn't not care about a person in pain.
Wash wished so deeply that he could help you, he had from the very first moment he'd heard your story. It was not pride or conviction that fueled him, but simply that he hated to see such a small girl in so much pain. He could not stand to see someone hurt when they'd done nothing to deserve it. Of everyone the pilot was the most innocent, the most naïve to the terrible things the 'verse held. Just that was enough to hurt, reminding you of what you used to be, of what you could've been. It would kill him to know that his desire to help, the good in his heart made him guilty like the rest. More than anyone you wanted to spare him, because you wish you could've been spared.
Jayne understood, but he didn't comprehend. He knew pain and loss just like the rest, but the love he'd grown up with had provided him with a shield. He carried so much guilt since Ariel, and you want to say that you forgive him, but you can't because you don't. You don't hate him, because he wouldn't have done it had he really known the hell he was trying to send you back to, but you may never be able to forgive him, because he knew enough. He knew that whatever had happened had been bad enough for Simon to abandon his entire future as a doctor, knew that it had been sufficiently horrifying to drive you insane, but he didn't care. He cares now that he understands, and if he could comprehend- if he could comprehend he would protect with his life and that is why you hope he never does. You hope he stays inside his selfish cocoon because you wouldn't wish your mind on anyone.
Sheppard sees you as a lost little lamb and it makes you want to laugh and cry and scream all at the same time. He knows of the Alliance but he doesn't really know anything at all besides what's in his problematic symbol. If he knew it might break him of his faith, which would in turn break him. If he really knew the side in which he used to stand, the things he used to fight for, there was no telling what would happen to him. He' more than anyone else would be eaten alive guilt, because the part he played in this had been his own fault, not an after effect that couldn't be helped. No matter what he used to be, he is a good man now, and you have no wish to break him of that.
The big bad wolf is coming to blow down your house of cards, and more will be revealed to your new family in time. You will show them enough soon, and much more later, but never all. They can never know all. Now you must become the ship and fade away if you wish to be seen. They will know what they must, and truly you wish you could shield them from that. Nothing will stop their thoughts from hurting you, and there is no reason for them to hurt too.
A.N./ I switched tenses throughout on purpose, just in case you thought I was drunk and illiterate or something. It just didn't feel crazy enough, so I had to make it less sane. Also, this is what happens in my brain at three in the morning, it's either really funny, or really angsty or a wacky, irreverent combination of the two that I will almost positively never be so out of mind as to subject you to. I'm not sure if that sentence made sense, but I haven't slept in 36 hours and I've used up all my coherency in the above story. I decided to do River's pov for a reason. I would very much like of you would review. There might be happy dance involved, not that you'd know if there was because you can't see me, probably, I hope. I should stop before I actually double the word count on this thing from all my rambling. BYEEEEEE *waves frantically and then walks away, leaving you stunned and confused*/